Ironic

Before I got my new mobile number few years ago, it belonged to a doctor with a private practice. At the beginning I had many calls looking for medical advice.  Yesterday I got a really long SMS (addressed to this doctor) saying:

"Dear Doctor, do you remember me - I am XY. Six months ago I had an abortion and you advised me to start taking birth control. I did not listen to your advice and last week I had an unprotected (you know what) with my husband and now I fear that I might be pregnant again (I had all the signs). A girlfriend told me to take three birth control pills at once and I did and now I urgently need your advice. What should I do???"

I was in the middle of the office work when I got this SMS. I just couldn't believe my eyes. How stupid some women are! I thought for a second that it would be nice thing of me to reply back that the doctor changed her mobile years ago. But I did not reply anything. I just deleted it. The woman who has killed at least one baby and is planning to do the same with this one, does not deserve an SMS from me.

***
I finished work early. I went for mulled wine to the city centre with a coworker (few years younger, also tried some IVFs, without luck). I told her about this SMS and we just laughed that life just isn't fair. That mother nature gave to this stupid woman this perfect womb and perfect ovaries. And not to us.

Then we ordered another mulled wine. And we both agreed that life is good. Just the way it is. We drank to that.

Two little girls & a snowman

I had a lovely afternoon yesterday. I took two little girls (my brother's daughter: aged 6 and my cousin's daughter: aged 4) with a train to the capital. Mission: to see the New Year's carnival for children. 

Everything was perfect - a long walk around the city centre (it is beautiful, see the photo above), meal at McDonalds, we had a great viewing point for the carnival. They got lots and lots of candies from the snow bears / bunnies / fairies / snowmen** / and all other creatures that accompany Ded Moroz / Slavic Santa Claus.

It is interesting, how painful were for me the days when they were born (because they were both born in the darkest days of my infertility). And how much happy moments they bring me now.

My cousin thanked me via email for taking her daughter on this trip. And she wrote me that not all the children are lucky to have such a good aunt like me.

And I replied that I do not believe in buying huge expensive gifts to children (=this is what majority of aunts do). But I do believe in doing fun stuff together & building nice memories.


**PS: one snowman asked them if they were good the whole year, before giving them candies. They replied yes. And then he asked me how good they were on the scale from 1 to 10. And I replied 9. And then the snowman gave them candies and then he said: "And one candy for the mommy for telling the truth."  
Being called mommy did not hurt. I am not a mommy and I will never be. It is just the way my life was meant to be. I am OK with that. And I do enjoy being an aunt to those two little girls.

No more IVFs for me

Not that long ago my heart would be again full of hope if I read this article:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-25438535

Not any more. No more IVFs for me. I am over 40. I am done with that chapter of my life. It was not meant to be... so it is a relief that it is over.

***
Off  I go, to visit my parents. I am looking forward to Mum's delicious nut roll.

Merry Christmas

 

I wish a merry Christmas to all my friends!

 

(PS: photo was taken on a Christmas day, few years ago...

this year we still don't have any snow)

 

When a story is told, it is not forgotten

“And so I write this for you, My Sarah. With the hope that one day, when you’re old enough, this story that lives with me, will live with you as well. When a story is told, it is not forgotten. It becomes something else, a memory of who we were; the hope of what we can become.”   Tatiana de Rosnay, Sarah's Key

***
I still can not forget the movie. It is one of the movies when you watch it, you never forget.

I wrote my favourite quote in the movie.

By writing this blog, I am telling my story. A story of a woman, dealing with infertility and  finding a happy life after (despite being childless).

Infertility has always been and there will always be. It just is a fact of life.

So perhaps my story will help one day to somebody in the future...

My favourite post

If I had to choose my favourite post from the lat 2 years, it would be this one:
http://thenext15000days.blogspot.com/2012/02/master-of-living-in-moment-meet-wolf.html


I still miss him, every day.



But I know he would want me to enjoy my NOW.

So I am off, for a long walk with a friend of mine (my age, single, childless). Sometimes we went for a long walk together - she, the Wolf and me, it was lovely (the Wolf adored her - since she always knew how to talk with him. And yes. Dogs love to receive compliments :)

I want MY Christmas bonus

We found out today that this year will be the first year ever that we are not getting a Christmas bonus.
As a consolation we were told that this year's kids' Christmas presents (that kids of the employees get every year) will be much richer as before.

Can something else make me more pissed off?
The company is using MY Christmas bonus to buy gifts for OTHER children.

***

I am not allowing that this will spoil my first Happy December.
(well, it is not completely happy. I miss my beloved Wolf terribly, today I was dreaming about him).
                               

December Resolution

There are so many work parties that I can attend.
December Resolution: I will go only to the ones that I feel like.
For others (note to my self): white lies are great solution.

I will set dates in December to do something (visit city center of our capital that looks like fairytale in December & drinking hot tea / glue wine ....) only with few of the dearest friends (2 or max 3).
For all others (note to my self): white lies are great solution.

This is the first December after infertility dark age that I intend to enjoy fully.

Looking forward!

Reading & Travelling & Memories

I was away for five days, on a business trip with a coworker. We worked hard. But we also took time to enjoy. We had some delicious dinners. Drank lots of tasty capuccinos.  And in the evening I was reading a book written by a couple from my country who travelled around the world for 7 years. I really liked the book, all 370 pages. The end of the book hurt me a bit - she found out in Africa (aged 40) that she was pregnant, so they stopped travelling and returned home. They are parents to a beautiful baby boy now. 

(I wish them all the best. I just wish that one of our travellings would end the same way. We took quite some travelling in the years of 10 failed IVFs - all with the same purpose: to heal my wounded soul. The travelling really helped. It showed me that the world is huge and beautiful and worth living for... even if our lives did not turned out the way we hoped for.)

 

My way of travelling would be to travel one month per year. After one month of travelling we both miss our home sweet home...  Since for the next 9 months there will be no travelling for us, I wanted to share some photos from the past with you.  We did not actually like Peru that much (we did not feel safe all the time), but it definetely has some highlights that are worth seeing.

 

 

 

Machu Picchu:

 

 

Coca tea:

 

 

Cuzco:

 

 

Uros Islands, Lake Titikaka:

 

 

 

 

Island Taquile, Lake Titikaka:

 

 

Our favourite food in Peru:

 

 

Arequipa, Santa Catalina Convent: 

 

 

Our way of travelling:

Decision

My DH & I were long in a dilemma whether to build our future house with bricks or decide for a prefabricated house.

We visited a specialized fair and there was a company that builds houses in a traditional way - with bricks. And this company has a slogan: Why build a home for only one generation?  We looked at each other and I said: "We do not need a home for more then one generation". DH agreed and a decision was made.

We spend a lot of time searching about different options of prefabricated houses.

We are saving as much money as we can for our home.

We are both looking forward to it a lot (it will take some years, but still...).

Books

I took a day off yesterday, to visit the largest book exhibition in our capital. It was lovely, so many books!  I love to read books, but I do not often buy them (usually I borrow them in the library or from my best friend).

I bought a great book about growing vegetables for me. Some children books for my nieces. Some books for learning German for my DH and his nephew (the nephew and me learn German once a month together). A book for learning Italian for me. 

I had a lovely day.

After the exhibition I went for a long walk around the city centre, Ljubljana really is a beautiful city.
(some info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ljubljana )

During the walk I saw three sets of twins. Yes, IVF does do wonders for some people. Not for me. (I did not let this thought to spoil my perfect day).

My beautiful Wolf

I am attaching my favourite photo of my beloved Wolf. It was taken in spring last year. We went - as usually on Saturdays - on a long walk, just the two of us. And then in the middle of the walk, we took a break. I was reading a newspaper. And he had plenty of work to do - he had to guard me :)   Whenever I see this photo, my heart melts. He was so mine.

I am learning to live my life without him. I am doing quite OK, but I still miss him terribly.  And a question - Will you get another dog soon? - hurts.  No, I don't want another dog. The only dog I want is the Wolf.

Things that I did this weekend:

• I went to swimming pool & sauna world on Friday after work. It was nice.
• My cousin visited me on Saturday morning with her two kids (18 months and 4 years). It is great that she stopped breastfeeding so her visits do not bring any pain, only complete happiness. The little one discovered that Auntie Klara is the best thrower of kids into the air - so we enjoyed each other company a lot. The older one just wanted to watch cartoons on youtube.
• I went to the movies to watch this movie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FER3C394aI8   with DH yesterday. We liked it, but as a friend of mine said - you need a drink after it.
• I went for a long walk today with DH through the forrest.  We talked about the best ever moments with the Wolf. There were so many of them. Memories did not make us sad. They made us happy that we had him for six years and a half. We just wish we could be together longer.

Sweet eternal dreams, my beloved Wolf. I will always miss you.
OX

Feeling empty

I meet up with colleague from university & ex-coworker 4 times a year. It is our tradition - we always go for a coffee and cakes. Usually we have great time together - talking about life, work, politics, world, everything.

But yesterday she was totally focused on her two daughters (aged 7 and 13).  I felt so empty after our date. And angry at myself. It is hard to listen for three hours about somebody else children.

Where did the time go?

My DH & I recently celebrated the 10th anniversary of our wedding. Which means that I stopped taking birth control (how ironic!) 10 years ago.

I didn't have lunch today at work, I went for a short walk instead. It was a warm autumn day, so there were lots of mothers with babies in strollers outside.

After many years I really looked at those young mothers. And I realized that most of them were more then a decade younger then me. Some of them looked so young that they could be my daughters.

The decade went by so quickly. But in a way, I am glad.  The darkest years of my infertility are behind me, for good. This is good.

1st of November

 

 

 

 

 

Our day in pictures:

• we visited our beloved Wolf's grave and brought him fresh flowers (Wolf and me planted those flowers together in early summer, for completely different purpose).
• DH & me made a 13-kilometer-walk around our most beautiful alpine lake, for the first time alone, without the Wolf. It was lonely without him.

Graz

I went to Austria with my DH, to visit one of his clients yesterday. He always takes me with him, to help him translate to German (I like German language a lot as well).

Afterwards we went for a sighseeing for two hours in Graz (I am attaching some photos). It is a beautiful city. More info:
http://www.graztourismus.at/cms/ziel/2865539/EN

Seriously? Really?

Luckily I had a busy day in the office yesterday, I was working for 12 hours. It was good. It kept my mind off my beloved Wolf.

We are encouraged to use Skype with our business partners. And I use it also for chatting in private purposes sometimes.

I was online with a coworker from another department who lost a brother few years ago because of a cancer. I wished her quiet and not too painful holidays: 1st November is all Saints Day, it is a holiday in our country. Most of people visit the graves of their relatives.

My coworker wrote me how she misses her brother. And that she explains to all her friends / coworkers / people she knows that they should get along better with their siblings.

I wrote back that I appreciate my brother more since I know that she lost hers.
And I added that sometimes I remind my close friends that they should appreciate their children more.

And guess what was her reply back? I am quoting:
"Klara, I really hope you will change your mind regarding the adoption. You would be so much happier if you adopted."

****
Seriously? Really? 

If I were mean, I would write back that she can borrow my brother from time to time. Let's say once every two weeks (this is how often I see my brother). So she would have a brother too.

Nobody can replace her brother. I know that.
And nobody can replace our children that were not meant to be born. How can she not accept that? 

***
And yes. I am and was extremly sad for the last few days. But it is because I lost my second best friend. Not because I am childless.

Sweet eternal dreams, my beloved Wolf

Today early in the morning I kissed my beloved Wolf and said goodbye.
Then my DH (=his master) took him to the vet for an euthanasia.  

My heart is broken.
My only consolation it that our beloved Wolf is not in pain any more.
I miss him terribly.


PS: the photo was taken few years ago, when he was perfectly healthy.

Priceless & heartbreaking

Coming home and seeing the beloved Wolf's explosion of joy & happiness when he sees me: priceless.

Seeing how our beloved Wolf is dying slowly, day by day: heartbreaking.

If I had a gold fish that my one wish would come true?
Having a child? No.
Getting beloved Wolf's health back? Yes.

***

How I miss our long walks together! Now I go jogging almost every day, in the evening, for at least 15 minutes, alone. It is lonely without the Wolf.

No other life would I like to have more

Thank you Annie for commenting the post that I wrote more then three years ago.

My favourite part is this one:
And I really hope that one day (when I am old and grey) I will be able to say: this is not the life that I planned, but no other life would I like to have more.

This thought is always there in my mind- and after the darkest days of my infertility I can really say that I think that I might feel like this when I am old and grey.

***

I am saying goodbye untill Sunday, I am going on a business trip, aprox 6 hours of driving away. Hint: if you ask our friend Mali  - the best dishes on her European trip she had there. I am so looking forward to some delicious dinners!

Yes. This is definetely one of the advantages of being childless. I can afford to travel a lot for work.

The sun is shining. Life is good.

Memories

I used to spend all Friday evenings and 5 weekends per year with a group of girlfriends. We were together from aprox. 18th birthday to aprox. 34th birthday. 15 full years! We spent so many great moments together. So many adventures.

But - my infertility was too much for our friendship to handle. A bit of it is described:
http://old.silentsorority.com/2010/05/03/speaking-a-common-language-2.aspx 
(I wrote the guest post under the name Lucy... Lucy was the name that was always chosen for our baby girl (that lived only in our dreams).

Today I remembered one event from our friendship (it was after their first 5 children (of the total 8) had already been born). Two of friends suggested that it became to complicated to buy birthday gifts for all of us and all the children. Because that meant 10 birthday presents per year. So they (=the two dominant friends) decided that from that moment on we should buy only gifts for the children. The third friend agreed with them.

Another friend (my BFF then and now) and me disagreed, but it was already decided since the votes were 3:2.

Looking back I still can not believe, how selfish the other friends were. Did they not think about what this decision meant? Or they knew and they just didn't care?

They expected that I buy 5 gifts for their children every year (or 8 in the next two years to follow). And not to get any gift ever again?

Don't get me wrong... I am not not a materialist. Our birthday gifts were always small and cute (for example, 4 of us would gather money to buy a beautiful skarf. Or a book.) I always enjoyed discussions what gift would make someone else happy. And I loved getting a birthday present.

So, after no-birthday-presents-for-the-adults policy I was deeply touched when my BFF gave me a small birhdays present without the others to know.

Infertility tought me that is much better to have one or two good friends. As a large group of fake ones.

My beloved Wolf

It was a beautiful warm sunny autumn Sunday today. One year ago DH, me and our beloved Wolf would probably be whole day outside, on a walk that would be from 15 to 20 kilometers long.

Today we managed to walk only 2 kilometers and it made the Wolf really tired. Then we rested and read newspapaers & magazines together.

Wolf's illness made me realize, how everything in life passes by. And that we have to enjoy each moment as it is, too the fullest. 

My beloved Wolf - I hope you will stay with us for many years. I can not imagine my life without you.

Nobody cares about the aunts

Most of the days I am feeling OK in my childless skin. But then I hear some stupid comment and I get really angry & hurt. I know - there is still a long way to be healed completely.

This is a conversation that I had few days ago with my brother (beloved baby brother, now a father of two daughters).

He explained me a conversation that he had with our cousin (the one that was visiting us two weeks ago). 

The cousin is really spoiling her two nephews. She bought something that meant a lot to her 10-year-old nephew and the nephew thanked her. She said to him (jokingly) that she was spoiling him because she expects from him not to forget about her when she will be old & grey.

I know my cousin. I know that she does not count on her nephews to take care of her (BTW: she is only 34, so her old age is really far away).

This conversation was overheard by boy's mother (=her sister-in-law) and she replied to my cousin (in a very superior mode): "Do you really think that my son will want to have anything with his old aunt? Nobody cares about the aunts!"


***

My brother told the story and then stopped talking. I didn't really get it, what was his opinion on that. So I asked him, what was his comment.

I hoped the reply would be that cousin's sister-in-law was really rude.

My brother comment was - a quote - "our cousin is really stupid if she thinks that the nephew would take care of her".

***

So yes, my brother's comment really made be angry. I did not want to go into any discussion. So I just replied that our cousin will be very rich when she is old (=based on her well paid profession), even if she does not marry. And that she will pay, if she needs any help. 


***
So superior, my brother as well. Does he really think that his two daughters will take such a good care of him when he is old?

Yet???

While cooking a coffee in the kitchenette, I talked to a coworker (mother of two toddlers).  I asked her where she parks her car now. She said that she was thinking about it for a while, and then decided for a monthly rent of the garage near our offices.

I already explained to her before that I am not willing to spend 10 % of my monthly pay for a garage.

So she asked me, where do I park the car now. And I said that I always park on a large parking free of charge that is 15 minutes of walking from the office.

A coworker commented that this was really a lot of walking. I tried to make a little joke, so I responded: "I don't mind walking. Since I don't have any children yet, I am not in a hurry to pick them up at the kindergarten, so I have time to walk."

***
We prepared the coffee and went each into the office.

But I still don't know, where did this YET came from.

At my heart and mind I already made peace with the decision to accept childless life. But obviously my subconscious isn't there yet...

Lake Titicaca

Yes, Itchy Feet Syndrome can bring you places really far away :) 

I love travelling

Each of us finds different way of coping with grief & loss. My way was always: travelling!  Buying two flight tickets online, packing backpack, buying a guide and then ... holidays!

After every two failed IVFs we went travelling, to heal my broken heart. So if anybody asked me - are there any advantages of having 10 failed IVFs the answer would be: Yes. We did see lot of the World :)

I am attaching a photo, taken by me (or by DH) three years ago.  It definitely is a breath taking place.


***

I guess we will not be able to go any place for a while (because of taking care for a sick dog & saving money for our house).  But my feet start to itch. They would love to go somewhere, far away, at least for few weeks...

My cousin

I spent the whole day with my cousin. I really like her, it is just that I haven't seen her for some years (she lives approx. 7 hours of driving away). 

She is 34, very successful in her job and single.  While eating the best cake in our capital she talked to me how horrible is the pressure of the whole family - asking her literally every week if she already found anybody. How she hates advices that the time is running out and why is she so picky. 

I really hope that she finds the love of her life one day. She is a wonderful girl.

(but if she doesn't - I really think it is better to be single as in a bad relationship. I know that. I did live in a bad relationship almost 15 years ago, for many years. To put it mildly - it was not nice.)  

the truth about ivf, childfree

I love checking google statistics - how new visitors find me.

Today somebody googled:
the truth about ivf, childfree

and found my blog.

How cool is that?!

***

The truth is that not all infertility journeys include the marketing brochure happy ending.


And - the truth is, that (at least today)  I do not care. I had a good day at work, then I spent some lovely time with my beloved Wolf and now I returned from a short jogging in the rain. Life is good.

I am the wrong person to complain to

A coworker (that I otherwise really like) complained to me today:
"I have a parent meeting today afternoon for three hours at school for my oldest one and tomorrow another parent meeting in the kindergarten for the little one. How I hate it! It is waste of time."


Dear parents - please do not ever complain to me again. I would love to waste my time on things like that.


(The only good thing is that I am becoming a master at getting the conversation back to safe work talk).

9th June 2003: she will get pregnant

I had a regular gynecological examination yesterday.  I took a day off work, so I could go there in the middle of the day (if I went in the afternoon, the waiting room would be crowded with pregnant women). 

While waiting in the dressing room, I looked at my files.

First of all there were only remarks: Cilest, Cilest, Cilest (it is really ironic to think how many oral contraceptive pill I took in my life, completely needlessly).

And then, there was a gynecologist's remark written on Monday, 9th June 2003: she will get pregnant.

I remembered that period of my life. I was just few weeks before our wedding, I was 100 % sure that everything in my life will be just as I wanted. How little did I know about life then!

My gyn is really nice. The first think that she asked me yesterday was: "How are you?"

It was really kind of her - she really wanted to know how am I. So I told her that it was really hard for few years but that I am OK now.

I really am. At least - on most of my days.

 

Get well, my beloved Wolf. I need you!

I went jogging after work yesterday. I wasn't envious of all the people I met that had kids.

I was envious only of people who went jogging with their dog.

My beloved Wolf has been doing really well for the last six months, but now his kidney situation deteriorated. He spent 12 hours yesterday in the clinic, to have infusions with drugs that help him. And he will spend next few days in the clinic. 

He was so happy when we picked him up in the evening.

***
Get well, my beloved Wolf. I need you!



For five summers our Sundays were always going on really long hikes - sometimes up to 20 kilometers per day. And this year our Sundays were sitting in the garden together, reading and cuddling. He can not walk more then 1 kilometer per day. Wolf's illness made me think that health really is everything.


PS: The photo was taken few years ago, on one of those long hikes around the lake.

First day of school

It was the first school day yesterday. It is always a day that I would prefer to stay in bed all day, covered by warm blankets and not expose myself to the world.

But I had to go to work and it was hard. All the coworkers that have small kids had a free day either to take their children for the first time to kindergarten or they took their children for the first time to school.

In the office there were left only:

1. coworkers with older kids who loved to tell their memories - how was the first day of school each year for their children
2. younger coworkers who loved to listen to those stories - because they are looking forward to taking their future children for the first time to kindergarten / school.
3. me

I tried to focus on my work and ignore all the talking.

I didn't feel good when coming home. So the first thing that I did was putting my sneakers on and I went jogging - for the first time in months. I felt great afterwards.

***

Today I will have to listen all day how expensive school is (by the way: the schools in my country are free of charge - financed by high taxes that we all (including me) pay, parents need to buy only books).

I hate this complaining. I would give anything in the world to be able to buy schoolbooks for our children.

(our children are safe in heaven*. They do not need any books). 

*I am not really religious. But somehow I have chosen to believe that our children do live somewhere.

I am attaching a photo of a church near Ravenna that we visited few years ago. I loved the mosaic. It is just wonderful.

Beautiful Czech Republic

We just returned from the holidays. Here are some photos:

 

OLOMOUC

 

 

 

 

LITOMYŠL

PARDUBICE

 

KUTNA HORA

 

ČEŠKE BUDEJOVICE

 

 

ČEŠKY KRUMLOY

 

 

 

I was really looking forward to our holidays but on the other hand I was also a bit scared. Why? 

 

The only holiday so far that we had in Czech Republic was exactly 2 years ago, when we went to clinic in Brno for an egg donation. We used the days between egg retrieval and embryo transfer for the holiday.

 

I was afraid that travelling around will bring back sad memories. Well, the memories did come back. But not in a bad way. It is just part of my healing process.

 

I remember that last time I was filled with different hormones.. It was lovely to travel this time, 100 % drug free.

 

I remember that last time, whenever we visited any church, I prayed for Eliška & František (nick names for our so much wanted children).  This time I prayed for health, love and peace in my heart.

 

I remember that last time I loved observing cute children. And thinking if our half-adopted child would look like them. This time cute Czech children were just cute children, nothing more.

 

***

We had lovely time together, discovering a beautiful country.

 

If you are interested to learn more, here is the official tourism web site:

http://www.czechtourism.com/home/

 

 

 

Turning 40

I had my 40th birthday few days ago.

As a childless woman I was afraid of turning 40.  But it was not hard.  I just kept thinking about my dear friend Maria who died when 37. She would give anything to be 40  (and so would her husband).

As I have already written - my only mission right now is to get the best of my next 40 years.  If I am lucky, 40 happy years are waiting for me.

***
I had a lovely day yesterday. I went swimming in the lake with my best friend. It was the first whole day together that we had in the last 8 years. How great it is that her kids are getting more independant every day!

So I really feel that I am getting my old happy life back. Bit by bit.

Reading the Silent Sorority for the second time

I knew that Silent Sorority was published in spring 2009. But it wasn't until spring 2010 that I was ready to buy it and read it.

I remember when reading it for the first time, I almost cried my heart out. I felt so sorry for Pamela and Alex. I felt so sorry for my DH & me. No other book before (or after) touched my soul so deeply.

When reading the book for the first time, I was in the middle of IVF roller coaster (with 7 unsuccessful IVF treatments behind me and 3 unsuccessful IVF treatments still waiting for me).
 
I started to re-read the book again this week, three years later. This time the book did not make me sad. It was actually lovely to reread the book and see, how much happiness can come out of the dark years of infertility. You see, I met Pamela and Alex twice so far. And they are one of the happiest & loveliest couples I have ever met.

And I think that for my DH & me the darkest years of infertility are far behind. I really feel that only happiness is waiting for us.

If you don't have your own copy, here is the link:
http://www.bookdepository.co.uk/Silent-Sorority-Pamela-Mahoney-Tsigdinos/9781439231562

(whenever I buy books online, I always use this website nowadays since the postage is already included in the price).



PS: I took the photo on Sunday, while on the beach of the lake with my DH. Isn't it lovely?


PPS: I would love to get the photo of your book Silent Sorority travelling to a beautiful place. Please send the photo to  klara.soncek@gmail.com
It will be published on my blog (I took idea from the travelling dwarfs in the movie Amelie).

Heat wave & perfect day for swimming and reading

We have already had 10 days of heat wave & we are expecting another 10.

We had 34 C today, we will have 36 C tomorrow.

I spent the whole day swimming in our most beautiful lake - Bohinj lake with DH. I am attaching tree photos of the beautiful alpine lake and three photos of the rivers that flows into the lake.

And - I was rereading a book that means a lot to me.

Recipe for a perfect day!

I survived

I survived Niagara falls being blue.
I survived the royal infant being born.
It was quite easy. I just did not watch any TV news, didn't read any site with news.

***
Things that helped:
- swimming whole day in one of the most beautiful lakes yesterday: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lake_Bohinj 
- cycling today after work

Auntie

I have always lived under false impression that I look young. Well, I might be looking young for 40-year-old woman, but I am not looking young.

When cycling two days ago I met in the middle of beautiful nature, on a small pedestrian bridge, a group of young people (in the middle of their 20s). They were having great fun taking photos.  I could see from the distance that they were happy to see another person that would be able to take photos of all of them together).

When I was passing by, one of them greeted me and asked: "Auntie, could you take the photos of us, please?"

I always take photos, whenever asked. Just not this time.

I responded: "Auntie does not take photos." And went away. 

Felt good about being unkind :)

Srebrenica

I am always sad on 11th of July.  

Today is the 18th anniversary since the Srebrenica genocide happened. In July 1995 more than 8,000 Bosniaks (Bosnian Muslims) were murdered. The mass murder was described by the Secretary-General of the United Nations as the worst crime on European soil since the Second World War. 

Today on BBC: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-23267348

Srebrenica lies exactly 570 kilometers (354 miles) from my home town.  It is so close!

***
Sometimes, on a sad day as today, I am glad I don't have children of my own. 
(the entire region has peace now. It can last for a decade or two or more. But I am sure there will be wars again. I just hope that not in my lifetime.)

Having a job

I have been very busy at my job lately. Which is good.   So many meetings. So many things to organize and do.

Which made me think, how lucky am I to live in central Europe. Where it is a norm that almost every woman has a job.

How sad it is to live in traditional societies where the only role that a woman can have is being a mother. Which is absolutely fine for women with children. But - how do childless women fit in there?

I am off to work :)

Summer

If it was winter, those two conversations would put me in really bad mood.

Yesterday I went to wellness center, to have a pedicure (a luxury that I afford twice a summer). The lady who was making a pedicure was very chatty (I am not). She was chatting about her holidays plans and then out of blue she asked: "Do you have any little babies?".  I just responded "No." and continued to read a magazine.

Some days ago a coworker from another department returned from 10-day-holidays. I asked her if she had good holidays (she was very stressed out before going). And her answer was: "You know how it is with two kids. I am even more tired as before."   I didn't answer anything, I got to the work part. But what I really wanted to do was scream: "No, I don't know how it is to have two kids!!!"

***
But it is beautiful warm sunny summer so things like that put me in a bad mood for ten minutes and then I am OK. 

There are so many beautiful things that I did in the last 7 days:
- 3 cycling tours (one including an elevation of 450 meters). Feeling great after cycling!
- picking up blueberries in the forest
- spending lots of time with beloved Wolf
- picking up my very first peas and cooking delicious pea-risotto

no thanks i will rather stay childfree

Somebody put today in google search:
no thanks i will rather stay childfree

And found my blog.

(I was told this info by statistics)

It really made me smile.

Really cool search :)

Have a beautiful day!

Bittersweet

There are many children in my life that I love. But my top favourite was always my cousin's almost 4 years old daughter. She is the sweetest child I have ever seen (as sweet as was her mum. My cousin is 6 years younger, she always felt like a sister - since we lived all our childhood together, in the same house). 

My cousin needed babysitting for yesterday afternoon, so I volunteered.  

I asked my friend Mattie whether I can come with my niece to play with her children. Of course we were welcomed (Mattie's 5-year-old daughter was so excited over a new friend coming to her house). We came, there were already also two neighbours' kids, so there were all together 5 children aged 4 to 7. It was so vivid! And a great fun. My niece and Mattie's daughter got along perfectly.

Then we went to our apartment, to eat a muffin, draw a picture, play on the swings outside. When the evening came, I wanted to take her home, but she refused. She said she wanted to stay overnight with me. 

(I explained she can, when she is bigger. She asked how much bigger she has to be. I answered that when she is 7. Then I had to show her how many 7 fingers are :)

It was lovely and precious to have my niece (I know she is not really my niece, but she feels like) for three hours. 

But also bittersweet. To experience sweet moments that mothers can experience every day. And my infertility robbed me of them.  

Losing my last friend from ex-IVF-support group

Going through IVF cycles I had a wonderful group of friend.  We met twice a month, there were 4-6 of us. I have nice memories. Those girls helped me through the darkest days of infertility.

I will try to make story short.

In few years all of them (except me) got a baby (two of them adopted from Russia). And bit by bit I started to losing them. But until today I thought I had one of the friends left. 

I don't.

Let's call her Lili (that was her nick on-line where we met).   Lili has golden heart. She was always my favourite from the group.  But after having a baby she was always either busy or exhausted or both. So we hardly ever met, only once a year, sometimes twice. We phoned each other often and so I just always thought that long phone calls will be our substitute until Lili's daughter gets out of diapers / starts to go to kindergarten / ...

Lili told me that this week she is home alone (her DH took their daughter and his mother for a holiday) so she invited me for afternoon date after work. I was really looking forward to it!  And when I came (at 4.30 pm) she said that she has only one hour for me and then she is meeting two colleagues (she apologized, she described the reason, but it did not persuade me).

I was so pissed off. And hurt. 

So. It is official. I lost my last friend from ex-IVF-support group. Each person gets only one opportunity to treat me badly.

Perhaps it is OK this way.  Perhaps I needed this. To help me forget many years that were spent focusing on IVF.

***

When going back home I just thought how lucky am I to have my best friend, Mattie. She always finds time for me, despite two small kids. At least once a week (and not only once a year).

***
And how happy can I be to have my beloved Wolf. He ALWAYS has time for me :)