Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Ironic

Before I got my new mobile number few years ago, it belonged to a doctor with a private practice. At the beginning I had many calls looking for medical advice.  Yesterday I got a really long SMS (addressed to this doctor) saying:

"Dear Doctor, do you remember me - I am XY. Six months ago I had an abortion and you advised me to start taking birth control. I did not listen to your advice and last week I had an unprotected (you know what) with my husband and now I fear that I might be pregnant again (I had all the signs). A girlfriend told me to take three birth control pills at once and I did and now I urgently need your advice. What should I do???"

I was in the middle of the office work when I got this SMS. I just couldn't believe my eyes. How stupid some women are! I thought for a second that it would be nice thing of me to reply back that the doctor changed her mobile years ago. But I did not reply anything. I just deleted it. The woman who has killed at least one baby and is planning to do the same with this one, does not deserve an SMS from me.

***
I finished work early. I went for mulled wine to the city centre with a coworker (few years younger, also tried some IVFs, without luck). I told her about this SMS and we just laughed that life just isn't fair. That mother nature gave to this stupid woman this perfect womb and perfect ovaries. And not to us.

Then we ordered another mulled wine. And we both agreed that life is good. Just the way it is. We drank to that.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Two little girls & a snowman




I had a lovely afternoon yesterday. I took two little girls (my brother's daughter: aged 6 and my cousin's daughter: aged 4) with a train to the capital. Mission: to see the New Year's carnival for children. 

Everything was perfect - a long walk around the city centre (it is beautiful, see the photo above), meal at McDonalds, we had a great viewing point for the carnival. They got lots and lots of candies from the snow bears / bunnies / fairies / snowmen** / and all other creatures that accompany Ded Moroz / Slavic Santa Claus.

It is interesting, how painful were for me the days when they were born (because they were both born in the darkest days of my infertility). And how much happy moments they bring me now.

My cousin thanked me via email for taking her daughter on this trip. And she wrote me that not all the children are lucky to have such a good aunt like me.

And I replied that I do not believe in buying huge expensive gifts to children (=this is what majority of aunts do). But I do believe in doing fun stuff together & building nice memories.


**PS: one snowman asked them if they were good the whole year, before giving them candies. They replied yes. And then he asked me how good they were on the scale from 1 to 10. And I replied 9. And then the snowman gave them candies and then he said: "And one candy for the mommy for telling the truth."  
Being called mommy did not hurt. I am not a mommy and I will never be. It is just the way my life was meant to be. I am OK with that. And I do enjoy being an aunt to those two little girls.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

No more IVFs for me

Not that long ago my heart would be again full of hope if I read this article:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-25438535

Not any more. No more IVFs for me. I am over 40. I am done with that chapter of my life. It was not meant to be... so it is a relief that it is over.

***
Off  I go, to visit my parents. I am looking forward to Mum's delicious nut roll.

Merry Christmas




 
I wish a merry Christmas to all my friends!
 
(PS: photo was taken on a Christmas day, few years ago...
this year we still don't have any snow)
 

Monday, December 23, 2013

When a story is told, it is not forgotten

“And so I write this for you, My Sarah. With the hope that one day, when you’re old enough, this story that lives with me, will live with you as well. When a story is told, it is not forgotten. It becomes something else, a memory of who we were; the hope of what we can become.”   Tatiana de Rosnay, Sarah's Key

***
I still can not forget the movie. It is one of the movies when you watch it, you never forget.

I wrote my favourite quote in the movie.

By writing this blog, I am telling my story. A story of a woman, dealing with infertility and  finding a happy life after (despite being childless).

Infertility has always been and there will always be. It just is a fact of life.

So perhaps my story will help one day to somebody in the future...

Saturday, December 14, 2013

My favourite post

If I had to choose my favourite post from the lat 2 years, it would be this one:
http://thenext15000days.blogspot.com/2012/02/master-of-living-in-moment-meet-wolf.html


I still miss him, every day.



But I know he would want me to enjoy my NOW.

So I am off, for a long walk with a friend of mine (my age, single, childless). Sometimes we went for a long walk together - she, the Wolf and me, it was lovely (the Wolf adored her - since she always knew how to talk with him. And yes. Dogs love to receive compliments :)

Mommy

I love my brother. But I guess it is time that I mark him on FB as Hide all future posts from the person "Brother".

His wife baked a beautiful cake and posted it on FB. There were lots of compliments and my brother wrote to her: "Delicious cake, mommy!"

I hate it, when spouses are calling themselves mommy and daddy.

(and hearing it from my brother - is the hardest  - since mommy - at least for me - can be only our Mom).

Friday, December 13, 2013

I want MY Christmas bonus

We found out today that this year will be the first year ever that we are not getting a Christmas bonus.
As a consolation we were told that this year's kids' Christmas presents (that kids of the employees get every year) will be much richer as before.

Can something else make me more pissed off?
The company is using MY Christmas bonus to buy gifts for OTHER children.

***

I am not allowing that this will spoil my first Happy December.
(well, it is not completely happy. I miss my beloved Wolf terribly, today I was dreaming about him).
                               

Thursday, December 12, 2013

A fox, who found a friend

Yesterday I saw a woman in a brand new fox fur coat. It made me sad. How many beautiful animals had to suffer and die because of that heartless woman.

***
Then I remember a beautiful article that I read in Stern (I often read it, to improve my German):
http://www.stern.de/panorama/auf-den-hund-gekommen-der-fuchs-der-einen-freund-suchte-und-fand-2076550.html

Look at the photos, they are beautiful (the story is from Norway, about the friendship between dog & fox).

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

December Resolution

There are so many work parties that I can attend.
December Resolution: I will go only to the ones that I feel like.
For others (note to my self): white lies are great solution.

I will set dates in December to do something (visit city center of our capital that looks like fairytale in December & drinking hot tea / glue wine ....) only with few of the dearest friends (2 or max 3).
For all others (note to my self): white lies are great solution.

This is the first December after infertility dark age that I intend to enjoy fully.

Looking forward!

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Reading & Travelling & Memories

I was away for five days, on a business trip with a coworker. We worked hard. But we also took time to enjoy. We had some delicious dinners. Drank lots of tasty capuccinos.  And in the evening I was reading a book written by a couple from my country who travelled around the world for 7 years. I really liked the book, all 370 pages. The end of the book hurt me a bit - she found out in Africa (aged 40) that she was pregnant, so they stopped travelling and returned home. They are parents to a beautiful baby boy now. 
(I wish them all the best. I just wish that one of our travellings would end the same way. We took quite some travelling in the years of 10 failed IVFs - all with the same purpose: to heal my wounded soul. The travelling really helped. It showed me that the world is huge and beautiful and worth living for... even if our lives did not turned out the way we hoped for.)
 
My way of travelling would be to travel one month per year. After one month of travelling we both miss our home sweet home...  Since for the next 9 months there will be no travelling for us, I wanted to share some photos from the past with you.  We did not actually like Peru that much (we did not feel safe all the time), but it definetely has some highlights that are worth seeing.
 
 
 
Machu Picchu:
 
 
Coca tea:
 
 
Cuzco:
 
 
Uros Islands, Lake Titikaka:
 
 
 
 
Island Taquile, Lake Titikaka:
 
 
Our favourite food in Peru:
 
 
Arequipa, Santa Catalina Convent: 
 
 
Our way of travelling:

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Decision

My DH & I were long in a dilemma whether to build our future house with bricks or decide for a prefabricated house.

We visited a specialized fair and there was a company that builds houses in a traditional way - with bricks. And this company has a slogan: Why build a home for only one generation?  We looked at each other and I said: "We do not need a home for more then one generation". DH agreed and a decision was made.

We spend a lot of time searching about different options of prefabricated houses.

We are saving as much money as we can for our home.

We are both looking forward to it a lot (it will take some years, but still...).

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Books

I took a day off yesterday, to visit the largest book exhibition in our capital. It was lovely, so many books!  I love to read books, but I do not often buy them (usually I borrow them in the library or from my best friend).

I bought a great book about growing vegetables for me. Some children books for my nieces. Some books for learning German for my DH and his nephew (the nephew and me learn German once a month together). A book for learning Italian for me. 

I had a lovely day.

After the exhibition I went for a long walk around the city centre, Ljubljana really is a beautiful city.
(some info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ljubljana )

During the walk I saw three sets of twins. Yes, IVF does do wonders for some people. Not for me. (I did not let this thought to spoil my perfect day).

Sunday, November 17, 2013

My beautiful Wolf



I am attaching my favourite photo of my beloved Wolf. It was taken in spring last year. We went - as usually on Saturdays - on a long walk, just the two of us. And then in the middle of the walk, we took a break. I was reading a newspaper. And he had plenty of work to do - he had to guard me :)   Whenever I see this photo, my heart melts. He was so mine.

I am learning to live my life without him. I am doing quite OK, but I still miss him terribly.  And a question - Will you get another dog soon? - hurts.  No, I don't want another dog. The only dog I want is the Wolf.

Things that I did this weekend:
  • I went to swimming pool & sauna world on Friday after work. It was nice.
  • My cousin visited me on Saturday morning with her two kids (18 months and 4 years). It is great that she stopped breastfeeding so her visits do not bring any pain, only complete happiness. The little one discovered that Auntie Klara is the best thrower of kids into the air - so we enjoyed each other company a lot. The older one just wanted to watch cartoons on youtube.
  • I went to the movies to watch this movie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FER3C394aI8   with DH yesterday. We liked it, but as a friend of mine said - you need a drink after it.
  • I went for a long walk today with DH through the forrest.  We talked about the best ever moments with the Wolf. There were so many of them. Memories did not make us sad. They made us happy that we had him for six years and a half. We just wish we could be together longer.

Sweet eternal dreams, my beloved Wolf. I will always miss you.
OX



Thursday, November 14, 2013

Good people



Beautiful video.
Many different people doing many different acts of kindness.
Taken by cameras on Russian cars.

Feeling empty

I meet up with colleague from university & ex-coworker 4 times a year. It is our tradition - we always go for a coffee and cakes. Usually we have great time together - talking about life, work, politics, world, everything.

But yesterday she was totally focused on her two daughters (aged 7 and 13).  I felt so empty after our date. And angry at myself. It is hard to listen for three hours about somebody else children.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Where did the time go?

My DH & I recently celebrated the 10th anniversary of our wedding. Which means that I stopped taking birth control (how ironic!) 10 years ago.

I didn't have lunch today at work, I went for a short walk instead. It was a warm autumn day, so there were lots of mothers with babies in strollers outside.

After many years I really looked at those young mothers. And I realized that most of them were more then a decade younger then me. Some of them looked so young that they could be my daughters.

The decade went by so quickly. But in a way, I am glad.  The darkest years of my infertility are behind me, for good. This is good.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Empty nest syndrome never ever my syndrom?

I wrote this post almost two years ago:

http://thenext15000days.blogspot.com/2012/01/empty-nest-syndrome-never-ever-my.html

I was so wrong. Now that our beloved Wolf is gone, I do have an empty nest syndrome.
I have too much available spare time and I do not know what to do with it.
The wounds are still too fresh, I haven't been able to put my life together.
I spent  343 Saturdays in a row with my darling Wolf.
What should I now do on Saturdays?

I went swimming to a swimming pool today in the afternoon. I haven't done that for the last 6 years and a half. It was good. I will go again next Saturday.

Friday, November 1, 2013

1st of November

 
 



 
 
 
Our day in pictures:
  • we visited our beloved Wolf's grave and brought him fresh flowers (Wolf and me planted those flowers together in early summer, for completely different purpose).
  • DH & me made a 13-kilometer-walk around our most beautiful alpine lake, for the first time alone, without the Wolf. It was lonely without him.


Graz






I went to Austria with my DH, to visit one of his clients yesterday. He always takes me with him, to help him translate to German (I like German language a lot as well).

Afterwards we went for a sighseeing for two hours in Graz (I am attaching some photos). It is a beautiful city. More info:
http://www.graztourismus.at/cms/ziel/2865539/EN




Thursday, October 31, 2013

Seriously? Really?

Luckily I had a busy day in the office yesterday, I was working for 12 hours. It was good. It kept my mind off my beloved Wolf.

We are encouraged to use Skype with our business partners. And I use it also for chatting in private purposes sometimes.

I was online with a coworker from another department who lost a brother few years ago because of a cancer. I wished her quiet and not too painful holidays: 1st November is all Saints Day, it is a holiday in our country. Most of people visit the graves of their relatives.

My coworker wrote me how she misses her brother. And that she explains to all her friends / coworkers / people she knows that they should get along better with their siblings.

I wrote back that I appreciate my brother more since I know that she lost hers.
And I added that sometimes I remind my close friends that they should appreciate their children more.

And guess what was her reply back? I am quoting:
"Klara, I really hope you will change your mind regarding the adoption. You would be so much happier if you adopted."

****
Seriously? Really? 

If I were mean, I would write back that she can borrow my brother from time to time. Let's say once every two weeks (this is how often I see my brother). So she would have a brother too.

Nobody can replace her brother. I know that.
And nobody can replace our children that were not meant to be born. How can she not accept that? 

***
And yes. I am and was extremly sad for the last few days. But it is because I lost my second best friend. Not because I am childless.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Sweet eternal dreams, my beloved Wolf





Today early in the morning I kissed my beloved Wolf and said goodbye.
Then my DH (=his master) took him to the vet for an euthanasia.  

My heart is broken.
My only consolation it that our beloved Wolf is not in pain any more.
I miss him terribly.


PS: the photo was taken few years ago, when he was perfectly healthy.




Sunday, October 27, 2013

IVF: 'Where's all that grief going?'

There may be five million IVF success stories, but for many millions more women, the treatments have failed. So why do we never hear from them?

***

I loved this article from the Guardian:
http://www.theguardian.com/society/2013/sep/27/ivf-where-all-grief-going



Especially this part is really interesting:

"It's always this superhero patient who wins the jackpot. But if we look at the data from Europe, 77% of treatments fail. The Centre for Disease Control has it at 70% failure. But you never hear from the people who failed, which makes you think there's something wrong with you. The reality is that the science is fragile. It is amazing that five million babies have been born because of IVF but there must be at least 10-to-15 million couples whose treatments have failed."


For some years I really felt that I am such a looser. That IVF works out for everybody else except me. But me and my DH are only one couple in the crowd of 10-to-15 million couples whose treatments have failed. It seems selfish, I know. But it is comforting that we are not alone...

Hugs!


Stars

Good friends are like stars.
You don't always see them but
you always know they are there.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Priceless & heartbreaking

Coming home and seeing the beloved Wolf's explosion of joy & happiness when he sees me: priceless.

Seeing how our beloved Wolf is dying slowly, day by day: heartbreaking.

If I had a gold fish that my one wish would come true?
Having a child? No.
Getting beloved Wolf's health back? Yes.

***

How I miss our long walks together! Now I go jogging almost every day, in the evening, for at least 15 minutes, alone. It is lonely without the Wolf.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

No other life would I like to have more


Thank you Annie for commenting the post that I wrote more then three years ago.

My favourite part is this one:
And I really hope that one day (when I am old and grey) I will be able to say: this is not the life that I planned, but no other life would I like to have more.

This thought is always there in my mind- and after the darkest days of my infertility I can really say that I think that I might feel like this when I am old and grey.

***

I am saying goodbye untill Sunday, I am going on a business trip, aprox 6 hours of driving away. Hint: if you ask our friend Mali  - the best dishes on her European trip she had there. I am so looking forward to some delicious dinners!

Yes. This is definetely one of the advantages of being childless. I can afford to travel a lot for work.

The sun is shining. Life is good.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Memories

I used to spend all Friday evenings and 5 weekends per year with a group of girlfriends. We were together from aprox. 18th birthday to aprox. 34th birthday. 15 full years! We spent so many great moments together. So many adventures.

But - my infertility was too much for our friendship to handle. A bit of it is described:
http://old.silentsorority.com/2010/05/03/speaking-a-common-language-2.aspx 
(I wrote the guest post under the name Lucy... Lucy was the name that was always chosen for our baby girl (that lived only in our dreams).

Today I remembered one event from our friendship (it was after their first 5 children (of the total 8) had already been born). Two of friends suggested that it became to complicated to buy birthday gifts for all of us and all the children. Because that meant 10 birthday presents per year. So they (=the two dominant friends) decided that from that moment on we should buy only gifts for the children. The third friend agreed with them.

Another friend (my BFF then and now) and me disagreed, but it was already decided since the votes were 3:2.

Looking back I still can not believe, how selfish the other friends were. Did they not think about what this decision meant? Or they knew and they just didn't care?

They expected that I buy 5 gifts for their children every year (or 8 in the next two years to follow). And not to get any gift ever again?

Don't get me wrong... I am not not a materialist. Our birthday gifts were always small and cute (for example, 4 of us would gather money to buy a beautiful skarf. Or a book.) I always enjoyed discussions what gift would make someone else happy. And I loved getting a birthday present.

So, after no-birthday-presents-for-the-adults policy I was deeply touched when my BFF gave me a small birhdays present without the others to know.

Infertility tought me that is much better to have one or two good friends. As a large group of fake ones.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

My beloved Wolf



It was a beautiful warm sunny autumn Sunday today. One year ago DH, me and our beloved Wolf would probably be whole day outside, on a walk that would be from 15 to 20 kilometers long.

Today we managed to walk only 2 kilometers and it made the Wolf really tired. Then we rested and read newspapaers & magazines together.

Wolf's illness made me realize, how everything in life passes by. And that we have to enjoy each moment as it is, too the fullest. 

My beloved Wolf - I hope you will stay with us for many years. I can not imagine my life without you.



Monday, October 7, 2013

Fit route 65

I woke up this morning and decided that I do not feel comfortable in my skin. Before all 10 IVFs I used to have 65 kilos.  Now I have few more. Not a lot more, but just enough to not feel perfectly fine.

I decided that I need a new project in my life, so I created a new blog for getting fit:
http://fitroute65.blogspot.com/

My plan is simple. Eat a bit less. Excersise a bit more.

(it will be a boring blog. It is actually not meantt to be read by anybody but me.  I need something to track things down).


PS: I feel great after 15 minutes of light jogging.



Friday, October 4, 2013

Emotions in my heart

I just came back from a four day work trip to Italy. I went with my coworker, to visit some key clients.

It was lovely. We both love Italy & Italian cuisine so much.We had three delicious dinners together. 

The only hard part was talking for 4 days to a coworker (my age, mother of two).  I don't necessarily need to know all details of her kids. And she spent lots of time talking about all the fun things her family does during the weekend with their friends* who have kids.

*Just a remark: those aren't her real friends. They are just parents of children that go to school together with her children. She and her husband used to spend lots of time with parents they met in kindergarten, but since the kids don't go to the same school... they changed ALL friends in one year.
Real friendship? Well, not according to my opinion.


A childless coworker recommended me to read one of the books that was written by the best psychologist in our country 4 decades ago. I was reading it, few pages, every evening. I really loved it.

One part that I really loved was that there are always good things and bad things that are happening in life. But, it is up to us to decide, what kind of emotions we will let live in our heart.

I decided to have room only for positive emotions. So I didn't let my coworker to spoil perfect days in Italy.

Another proof that I definitely am on a road to recovery. We visited yesterday a key client that became a friend through working so many years together. She had given birth few weeks ago to  Riccardo. I envied my coworker how easy was for her to chat with Riccardo's mother. I didn't really want to go there, but we were invited so it would be unpolite not to go.

I dealt with my emotions and decided that it is just fact of life. Some women have children. Some don't. And I did not let bad emotions enter my heart.
(BTW: Riccarrdo is just a perfect little baby, in a way I am glad to have seen him).

Wishing you all a beautiful weekend.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Nobody cares about the aunts

Most of the days I am feeling OK in my childless skin. But then I hear some stupid comment and I get really angry & hurt. I know - there is still a long way to be healed completely.

This is a conversation that I had few days ago with my brother (beloved baby brother, now a father of two daughters).

He explained me a conversation that he had with our cousin (the one that was visiting us two weeks ago). 

The cousin is really spoiling her two nephews. She bought something that meant a lot to her 10-year-old nephew and the nephew thanked her. She said to him (jokingly) that she was spoiling him because she expects from him not to forget about her when she will be old & grey.

I know my cousin. I know that she does not count on her nephews to take care of her (BTW: she is only 34, so her old age is really far away).

This conversation was overheard by boy's mother (=her sister-in-law) and she replied to my cousin (in a very superior mode): "Do you really think that my son will want to have anything with his old aunt? Nobody cares about the aunts!"


***

My brother told the story and then stopped talking. I didn't really get it, what was his opinion on that. So I asked him, what was his comment.

I hoped the reply would be that cousin's sister-in-law was really rude.

My brother comment was - a quote - "our cousin is really stupid if she thinks that the nephew would take care of her".

***

So yes, my brother's comment really made be angry. I did not want to go into any discussion. So I just replied that our cousin will be very rich when she is old (=based on her well paid profession), even if she does not marry. And that she will pay, if she needs any help. 


***
So superior, my brother as well. Does he really think that his two daughters will take such a good care of him when he is old?

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Yet???

While cooking a coffee in the kitchenette, I talked to a coworker (mother of two toddlers).  I asked her where she parks her car now. She said that she was thinking about it for a while, and then decided for a monthly rent of the garage near our offices.

I already explained to her before that I am not willing to spend 10 % of my monthly pay for a garage.

So she asked me, where do I park the car now. And I said that I always park on a large parking free of charge that is 15 minutes of walking from the office.

A coworker commented that this was really a lot of walking. I tried to make a little joke, so I responded: "I don't mind walking. Since I don't have any children yet, I am not in a hurry to pick them up at the kindergarten, so I have time to walk."

***
We prepared the coffee and went each into the office.

But I still don't know, where did this YET came from.

At my heart and mind I already made peace with the decision to accept childless life. But obviously my subconscious isn't there yet...


Monday, September 16, 2013

Lake Titicaca




Yes, Itchy Feet Syndrome can bring you places really far away :) 














Sunday, September 15, 2013

I love travelling



Each of us finds different way of coping with grief & loss. My way was always: travelling!  Buying two flight tickets online, packing backpack, buying a guide and then ... holidays!

After every two failed IVFs we went travelling, to heal my broken heart. So if anybody asked me - are there any advantages of having 10 failed IVFs the answer would be: Yes. We did see lot of the World :)

I am attaching a photo, taken by me (or by DH) three years ago.  It definitely is a breath taking place.


***

I guess we will not be able to go any place for a while (because of taking care for a sick dog & saving money for our house).  But my feet start to itch. They would love to go somewhere, far away, at least for few weeks...

Saturday, September 14, 2013

My cousin

I spent the whole day with my cousin. I really like her, it is just that I haven't seen her for some years (she lives approx. 7 hours of driving away). 

She is 34, very successful in her job and single.  While eating the best cake in our capital she talked to me how horrible is the pressure of the whole family - asking her literally every week if she already found anybody. How she hates advices that the time is running out and why is she so picky. 

I really hope that she finds the love of her life one day. She is a wonderful girl.

(but if she doesn't - I really think it is better to be single as in a bad relationship. I know that. I did live in a bad relationship almost 15 years ago, for many years. To put it mildly - it was not nice.)  

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Selling the Fantasy of Fertility

I just read a wonderful article in the New York Times:
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/09/12/opinion/selling-the-fantasy-of-fertility.html?_r=1&

Wonderfully written, congratulations to both authors!

***
I just wish I could have read it few years ago. If I had read it in the darkest years of my infertility, perhaps I wouldn't have done 10 IVFs.

I do not want to think about the damage that infertily drugs did to my body. I can just hope for the best.

Love and light,

Klara




Wednesday, September 11, 2013

the truth about ivf, childfree

I love checking google statistics - how new visitors find me.

Today somebody googled:
the truth about ivf, childfree

and found my blog.

How cool is that?!

***

The truth is that not all infertility journeys include the marketing brochure happy ending.


And - the truth is, that (at least today)  I do not care. I had a good day at work, then I spent some lovely time with my beloved Wolf and now I returned from a short jogging in the rain. Life is good.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

I am the wrong person to complain to

A coworker (that I otherwise really like) complained to me today:
"I have a parent meeting today afternoon for three hours at school for my oldest one and tomorrow another parent meeting in the kindergarten for the little one. How I hate it! It is waste of time."


Dear parents - please do not ever complain to me again. I would love to waste my time on things like that.


(The only good thing is that I am becoming a master at getting the conversation back to safe work talk).

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Pass the Hat, Change the World

by: Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos

Instead of buying a glass of wine or beer tonight (oh, who am I to get between you and an adult beverage -- go ahead and do so) but also support TheCycleLivingATaboo and help eliminate infertility ignorance

 

Am I (and six other women) a little insane to stand on a stage in NYC on Sept 27 and share stories about how not being able to bear a child changed our lives? Perhaps. But we’re doing it because we know it will help others.


Some life experiences — coming of age, marriage, illness, death — are universally understood. That’s because we are socialized in how to respond to them. We have words and rituals. We share common behaviors, norms — etiquette — that allow us to navigate and move through them with either social celebration or social healing and empathy.

Infertility? Just whisper it and everyone runs for the doors. No one knows what to say, how to react, what is expected. It’s time to change that.


By giving voice to a complex, misunderstood experience we aim to reshape the way society views infertility. Why? So future generations won’t have to suffer the indignity of ignorance or disdain. You can help, too!

 

  1.  Share in a blog comment why it’s important to eliminate the taboo around infertility around the world
  2. *DONATE -- no contribution is too small or large (all donations are tax deductible)
  3. Tweet or blog details about this event to spread the word


Tweet: Join or support #TheCycleLivingATaboo, an #infertility forum led by patients, advocates, health professionals on 9/27 http://ow.ly/ojdEO

 

You’ll feel great for seizing the opportunity to help others move forward in a healthy way.

 

*Why are we passing the hat? To help a valiant documentary film-maker operating under a 501 3(c) pay for a NY theater she’s rented for the sole purpose of delivering a transformative, memorable, historic evening and capture a collection of stories that have never been heard.

 

Unlike other consumer-facing infertility outreach efforts, this event is not sponsored by the pharmaceutical or reproductive technology industries. The goal is to tell the "un-sponsored truth" about infertility. This means we are truly on a shoestring. In fact, The Cycle staff consists entirely of volunteers who have been in the trenches of infertility and devoted hundreds of hours of their personal time and financial resources to put together this public service event.


For the price a of designer cup of coffee ($5), a bottle of wine ($18) or a movie night ($25) you can make a difference not only to this project -- but to a significant, if silent, segment of society who wishes their family and friends could understand or better support them.

 

Thank you for making the world a gentler, kinder place.

 

 

Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos
Co-Producer: The Cycle: Living a Taboo
Buy Tickets to The Cycle: Living a Taboo
Author: Award-Winning Book Silent Sorority

Make a tax deductible donation to Change How Media Covers Infertility

Friday, September 6, 2013

9th June 2003: she will get pregnant

I had a regular gynecological examination yesterday.  I took a day off work, so I could go there in the middle of the day (if I went in the afternoon, the waiting room would be crowded with pregnant women). 

While waiting in the dressing room, I looked at my files.

First of all there were only remarks: Cilest, Cilest, Cilest (it is really ironic to think how many oral contraceptive pill I took in my life, completely needlessly).

And then, there was a gynecologist's remark written on Monday, 9th June 2003: she will get pregnant.

I remembered that period of my life. I was just few weeks before our wedding, I was 100 % sure that everything in my life will be just as I wanted. How little did I know about life then!

My gyn is really nice. The first think that she asked me yesterday was: "How are you?"

It was really kind of her - she really wanted to know how am I. So I told her that it was really hard for few years but that I am OK now.

I really am. At least - on most of my days.


 

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Get well, my beloved Wolf. I need you!




I went jogging after work yesterday. I wasn't envious of all the people I met that had kids.

I was envious only of people who went jogging with their dog.

My beloved Wolf has been doing really well for the last six months, but now his kidney situation deteriorated. He spent 12 hours yesterday in the clinic, to have infusions with drugs that help him. And he will spend next few days in the clinic. 

He was so happy when we picked him up in the evening.

***
Get well, my beloved Wolf. I need you!



For five summers our Sundays were always going on really long hikes - sometimes up to 20 kilometers per day. And this year our Sundays were sitting in the garden together, reading and cuddling. He can not walk more then 1 kilometer per day. Wolf's illness made me think that health really is everything.


PS: The photo was taken few years ago, on one of those long hikes around the lake.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

First day of school



It was the first school day yesterday. It is always a day that I would prefer to stay in bed all day, covered by warm blankets and not expose myself to the world.

But I had to go to work and it was hard. All the coworkers that have small kids had a free day either to take their children for the first time to kindergarten or they took their children for the first time to school.

In the office there were left only:
  1. coworkers with older kids who loved to tell their memories - how was the first day of school each year for their children
  2. younger coworkers who loved to listen to those stories - because they are looking forward to taking their future children for the first time to kindergarten / school.
  3. me
I tried to focus on my work and ignore all the talking.

I didn't feel good when coming home. So the first thing that I did was putting my sneakers on and I went jogging - for the first time in months. I felt great afterwards.

***

Today I will have to listen all day how expensive school is (by the way: the schools in my country are free of charge - financed by high taxes that we all (including me) pay, parents need to buy only books).

I hate this complaining. I would give anything in the world to be able to buy schoolbooks for our children.

(our children are safe in heaven*. They do not need any books). 

*I am not really religious. But somehow I have chosen to believe that our children do live somewhere.

I am attaching a photo of a church near Ravenna that we visited few years ago. I loved the mosaic. It is just wonderful.


Saturday, August 31, 2013

Beyond The Dream Of Motherhood

It is lovely Saturday morning. I am home alone, so I have time to enjoy some time on Internet.
I just came across a beautiful new blog: http://beyondthedreamofmotherhood.blogspot.com/2013/08/beyond-dream-of-motherhood.html 

It brought memories back, how difficult it was for me to end IVF treatments and to accept fact that I will never be a mother.  The memories are sad. But remembering, it does not make me sad any more. It just is the part of my past. 


Thursday, August 29, 2013

Beautiful Czech Republic

We just returned from the holidays. Here are some photos:
 
OLOMOUC





 
 
 
 
LITOMYŠL





PARDUBICE
 



KUTNA HORA
 






ČEŠKE BUDEJOVICE
 
 

ČEŠKY KRUMLOY
 
 
 

I was really looking forward to our holidays but on the other hand I was also a bit scared. Why? 
 
The only holiday so far that we had in Czech Republic was exactly 2 years ago, when we went to clinic in Brno for an egg donation. We used the days between egg retrieval and embryo transfer for the holiday.
 
I was afraid that travelling around will bring back sad memories. Well, the memories did come back. But not in a bad way. It is just part of my healing process.
 
I remember that last time I was filled with different hormones.. It was lovely to travel this time, 100 % drug free.
 
I remember that last time, whenever we visited any church, I prayed for Eliška & František (nick names for our so much wanted children).  This time I prayed for health, love and peace in my heart.
 
I remember that last time I loved observing cute children. And thinking if our half-adopted child would look like them. This time cute Czech children were just cute children, nothing more.
 
***
We had lovely time together, discovering a beautiful country.
 
If you are interested to learn more, here is the official tourism web site: