Thursday, November 29, 2012

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Tuesday, November 27, 2012


In order to prevent us being couchpotatoes (=my favourite thing to do in winter), I took DH to movies yesterday.

It was nice to observe him how he loves watching James Bond movies.

I just love Adele theme song!

Monday, November 26, 2012

Water for elephants

I watched this movie yesterday, with my DH. Beautiful movie!

(Although I had to close my eyes couple of times, I can not watch scenes when somebody tortures an animal).

I loved Rosie, the elephant!


Before watching the movie we had a long a really long walk with our beloved animal, the Wolf.

Saturday, November 24, 2012


I love computer animated movies. The one I really love is UP:

Especially because it includes a beautiful love story of Ellie & Carl.

It was the first time that I saw an infertility isssue in this type of movie.

I remember crying in a movie, when watching the part when Ellie was dealing with the infertility.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Completely missunderstood

I was on messenger  with a coworker  from another department today, we were chatting a bit how  to fix some job related problem. She just moved to a new house and she asked me later on what were our plans regarding building a house and I explained that we think we might had found a perfect land and that we hope to buy it in few weeks...  (subject for another post, in January)

Here is the weird conversation that we had later on (I came to her office where 9 women are sitting).

She:  Oh, hello... I am so happy for you, I hope your dreams will come true.

Me:   Well, it is not sure yet... but I hope everything will work out.

She:   (obviously I missed some curious looks since I focused on the document in my hands).
          No, Klara is NOT pregnant!

Me:      (many curious looks that I DID noticed)
            Well, I am too old for that...

She:    You are not too old for that...

Only few seconds later (after delivering the document, wishing nice weekend and saying goodbye) I realized that she did not think that I am too old for pregnancy. She wanted to say I am not too old too have s**.

Bloody *****. Of course I am not too old to have s**!!!!


Closure for today: I will not comment ANYTHING EVER again to women who are mothers of small children. They just can not get it.

How to live beyond 100

I loved this article.

Books & finding a new old friend

I took a day off work yesterday and I went to our capital where there is a beautiful exhibition of books. So many books! I bought one book (about growing vegetables and herbs) and got lots of ideas which books to get at our library. Or which to order online, in English.

While walking around I met a colleague C from university. I haven't seen her for the last 10 years. When I finished university, there were no mobile phones, no email addresses to exchange... so I lost contact with the most of colleagues.

We were happy to see each other. We were chatting for about 5 minutes when C invited me for a cup of coffee. And I froze. Because I always fear of the torture part (involving the question: "So - do you have any kids?" )

C was in is a beautiful woman, full of life. I was sure she had at least three children.

The feared question never appeared.

I was explaining that I always check also for good children books for my nieces and nephew. I added that I do not have children of my own, so I have to spoil others.

And C responded: "I do not have kids either. I wanted to have them, but it did not work out."

Can you imagine? So many of us out there!

Our coffee break was long, we had so many stories to tell to each other!

I got a nice compliment from her. When I was telling her our infertility path, she added: "I can tell that you are already OK with it because you look happy."

I realized at that moment that I probably really am OK (well, at least most of the time). And I explained if I was telling her about my childfree/ childless life few years ago, I would just start crying and I wouldn't be able to stop. 

We agreed to meet again in December, for another, even longer coffee. I am looking forward to it!

Thursday, November 15, 2012

A single man

I love love love Colin Firth!

I watched a movie A single man with my DH yesterday and just loved it.   It is sad & beautiful movie.

The movie made me think of how fortunate are people who find the love of a lifetime. I consider myself as one of them.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Fertility predicted by mother's age at menopause

One of the hobbies that I have had for the last few years is reading BBC News website, especially the section Health.

This week I read this:

Strangely, I felt a relief.
My mother was 42 when she entered menopause.
Perhaps this is a clue why my ovaries just could not produce quality eggs during IVFs. 
So, it is not my fault. I just have  it in my genes.

I have never ever felt any regret about not trying to children when I was in my 20's. Reason. In my twenties I was in some really bad relationships (but was just too young to realize that then).

I met the love of my life when I was nearly 30. And he is the only man I ever wished to have a child with.

Weird question, weird answer

There is a weird conversation that I had with our secretary at work yesterday (she is 26, nice, loves to chat, she just started to work couple of weeks ago).

I was preparing some tea for me when she entered the kitchenette (we were alone, since it was very early):

She:   So, what about children?
Me:   What children?
She:   Your children.
Me:    I do not have children.
She:   I know you do not have children. So, when are you planing to have them?
Me:    I am not planning. I am too old. So, when are YOU going to have children?
She:   (Shocked by question). Well, I do not know. Not for some years, but I still have time. You are not too old. You can still have them.
Me:    Well. I have 10 dead children. No alive child. And I will not have any children more. 

The poor girl was shocked by my answer. She apologized briefly and went away. Then she avoided me for the rest of the day.

I felt total freedom. She will never ever ask me THAT question again.

I did not feel like explaining that my 10 children are only my embbies that decided not to stay with me.  Those are parts of my life that I do not wish to remember any more: the deep sadness when the period arrived after IVF.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Happy - Happy - Happy

I got a phone call from the hospital few days ago and I had ultrasound of the breasts this morning.
Everything is perfectly fine! I am so happy!!!
So - thank you for all your kind wishes couple of weeks ago.
They obviusly helped.

A doctor that was doing ultrasound was really nice. Older, wise and very kind. She was surprised to see how young I am and that I already had mammography. I explained about 10 failed IVFs. She took time and we talked a bit.  It was so great to talk with her.

She was surprised to hear that I had that many IVFs so she asked: "But why did you have that many?" I explained that I just could not accept my life without kids.

She  said: "I will tell you something that I have never told anybody. My best friend has three children, they are in their late 20s now. And she always says that if she was young again, she would never ever decided to have children. Children are not always blessing, you know?"

And her words made my soul smile :) 

Later on she asked me whether we thought about adopting.  I said that we are just too old to get a baby. Then she suggested Russia. I said that I do not trust Russia and explained that if there were so many stolen babies in Spain only few decades ago, how can I be sure that there aren't some stolen babies in Russia. And she just concluded that of course that there are stolen babies also in Russia.

PS: Later on in our conversation I learned that she is a mother (she was kind to me, so she did not boast, but I guess she just adores her children and grandchildren).

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Fifty Shades Freed

I wanted to save the last book for Christmas & New Year period, but I just couldn't wait any longer.
No more time for blogging  today :)

Friday, November 2, 2012

The barren aunt

I spent yesterday afternoon my parent's house, together with my four nephews, aged from 6 months to five years. It was lovely. Very crowdy, vivid and loud.  Me & DH came back home completely exhausted. It was lovely to come to our quiet apartment to have our peace.

Today afternoon my sister came for a visit with her little ones (6 months, 3 years). It was lovely. I do not want to boast, but I really am good with children. They love me. I know how to talk to children, I always did.

It is lovely to be able to enjoy company of other people's children. I was not able to do that for the first 5 - 7 years of our infertility path. 

I guess I am quite OK with being childless.

The only thing that really hurts me are casual remarks of different people who regard my life less important (or even worthless) just because I do not have children of my own.

Today I read Mali's post The barren aunt and I just loved it: