Tuesday, February 26, 2013

The meanest thing

What was the meanest thing that you ever heard after you began with your infertility journey? I will tell you mine. 

Just before going to the Czech Republic for an egg donation I had a date with two ex-coworkers (both my age, both mothers).

I was full of hormones (fertility drugs that you have to take before egg donation are devastating, I found them much worse then drugs that I took during previous 9 classic IVFs).

I haven't told them that that particular treatment is different. Egg donation was my & DH's secret.

I started telling them my fears that I would never be a mother. That that was our last attempt. That 10th tries are enough and that if the 10th  try will not work out, we will stop (just a note: my DH wanted to stop at the attempt number 4 or 5, but I just couldn't).

I told them how I dread facing childless life.

One of the woman is wise. She knew I just needed somebody to listen to. So she did what expected - she listened to me.

But the other (mother of three pre-school boys!) said: "You are making too much deal out of you infertility. It is no such big deal. I also thought I would never have children with my ex-husband and I was OK with it."

Just a note: she was obviously not OK being childless since she (aged 29 then) divorced seriously sick husband and found a new, healthy one (that was able to give her three sons).

Her comment hurt me.

It is the same as if I told a friend with terminal cancer that I know exactly how it feels to have cancer. Since I was afraid for one month that they found something wrong on my mammography.

Needless to say I avoided this colleague for some time. I ignored her invitations for coffee. But then in summer I finally accepted her invitation, just to see what happens. It was nice - at least until she started a topic that she really shouldn't discuss with me. She started to explain me how sad she was since she wishes to have a forth child (hopefully girl), but her husband thinks three children are enough. So they agreed not to have any child more. But she was sad since having to say goodbye for good to her fertility.

I wanted to scream. I didn't. But I left as soon as I could. And never returned to this colleague.

I really really really prefer to be alone as lonely in a company.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Snow & my beloved Wolf

Here it is .... today's photo.
Wolf is feeling better. It was lovely to go with him for a short walk.
The snow is still falling...

PS:  Wolf is saying thank you for all of your kind wishes. He is sure they helped!!!

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Things change

Once I thought it is not possible live happy & childless life.
Once I thought that infertility breaks your heart forever.
Once I though I wanted to have a child conceived by egg donation.
I don't think neither of it any more.

Monday, February 4, 2013

News: It is possible NEVER ever get pregnant

I got a letter on Friday (but forgot about it) so I opened it today. It was from the leading clinic in our country where I had hysteroscopy and laparoscopy before I began IVF treatments.

It is a long letter, with request to fill a short questionnaire. In the letter it is written several times that their mission is to analyze all  my pregnancies before the operation and after operation.

When reading it I really wanted to scream: " &%/??#"! (=lots of ugly words)"

I will fill up the questionnaire for the leading gynecologistss in my country later on - just to let them know that this (=never ever to achieve desired pregnancy) is also an option.