Dedek Mraz

This is a post I wrote exactly one year ago: http://thenext15000days.blogspot.com/2011/12/ded-moroz.html 

This year I invited two of my nieces to the celebration of Dedek Mraz. My brother's daughter (5 years) didn't want to go (she prefered to stay with her parents). But my sister's daughter (3 years) was hardly waiting for it.

I had her for 4 hours and it was picture perfect. We took a train to the city centre. We had a walk around beautiful Ljubljana. We went to McDonald's for a Happy Meal (yes, I know it is not healthy, but aunts are alowed to spoil nieces). And we saw Dedek Mraz and all magic & kind creatures.

On the train ride back home I asked her which thing she loved the most and she said very loudly: "Klara!". What a beautiful compliment! She really is a picture perfect kid.

When I had the first few really dark years of dealing with my infertility I never thought it would be possible for me to go on a event, dedicated strictly for kids and their parents and to really really enjoy it.

It was beautiful afternoon. But now I am really tired. Can't wait for my DH to come home, so we will enjoy a quiet evening in front of TV.

Adoption? No, I will stay childfree, thank you (part II)

I spent few days working on a project together with a colleague from other company a month ago. I knew she was my age before meeting her. When spending so much time together it is hard to avoid any personal topic so very soon came the inevitable "Do you have any kids?". I briefly replied that we tried and couldn't.

It turned out that both of her two sons were conceived by IVF. 

The next topic that she opened was: "So, have you thought about adopting?". 

I replied briefly that adoption is not something we consider.

She started to make lots of really long arguments why we should adopt. She explained that is she couldn't have her own children, she would adopt.

I explained that this is also what I thought & felt few years ago. And now, when I am facing either living childfree life for ever or making a decision to try to adopt, I chose (together with my husband) the first option.

Because now I feel differently as I did few years ago. And this is something that ex-infertiles can not understand. Feelings & emotions change. 

The other large discussion that we had was the nature versus nurture debate. I strongly believe that genes determinate the vast majority of someone (and with this belief it is really hard to decide for an adoption).

Anyway, this discussion took place a month ago, before my decision not to discuss adoption issue with anybody, who has children.

***
Have you ever heard about stolen babies in Spain:
http://edition.cnn.com/2012/04/25/world/europe/wus-spain-stolen-babies/index.html

Thousands of babies were stolen... up to the year 1990.  How could something like that happen in Western Europe, not long ago? 

Foreign adoption was not really an option, not for us.
How could we be sure that a child was not taken from her/his mother in an illegal way?

Home, sweet home

I have some great news to share.

Few days ago me & my DH bought a small piece of land. We were looking for it for more then 5 years, but couldn't decide for before we found the right one. It is sunny, in a beautiful village, close to the capital and really close to beautiful forrest for long walks.

Now we are living in a small apartment. It is OK since we are not home much. But we would both love to live in a house.

It will be a huge investment (and it will take up to 10 years before we finish it). I love discussing all the aspects with my DH. And we both agree, that since not having children, there will be no one to look after us when we are old. So owning a house represents a financial security for us.  Our plan is to sell the house when we are 80 and go to a home for elders.

Now we are in the middle of thinking whether to decide to build a house or to buy a prefabricated house. I would love to hear, how it is in your country. Regarding new houses: are there more prefabricated houses or built houses?

PS: I am attaching a model of a prefabricated house that we both like.

Argentina

I spent quiet Christmas, just the two of us and beloved Wolf.  We went for a really long walk. Walking the dog is the best therapy ever.

I was thinking about the best moments I had so far with my DH. A lot of our best moments happened while travelling... so I hope there are lots of travelling is waiting for us in the next few decades.

I am attaching some photos from Argentina. We just loved Patagonia and lakes around Bariloche. We went there after second failed IVF, as a therapy for my broken heart.

A merry Christmas & a happy New Year

My dear bloggie friends,
I wish you all a merry Christmas & a happy New Year.

When I was younger, I loved to add in my Christmas cards a sentence: "May all your wishes come true." I don't use that sentence any more. I learned that not all wishes come true. And it is OK as well.

I am enjoying my 9-day-holiday. It is lovely.

Christmas greeting cards? No, not this year.

I went shopping for Christmas greeting cards and I picked the ones above.
I liked them, because they are happy & full of colors.
Just before paying I realized that on all of them there is the same motive: mother & father & 1 or 2 or 3 kids.
I returned the greeting cards and walked out of the shop with empty hands.

No Christmas cards, at least not this year.

Adoption? No, I will stay childfree, thank you.

I had two quite unpleasant conversations about adoption in the last month. Both with colleagues from work.

First, the second conversation (since it was more disturbing), from last week (it happened after a client commented very rudely that it was high time that I had children).
(the post about it: http://thenext15000days.blogspot.com/2012/12/this-is-my-favourite-time-of-year-to-be.html )

Anyway, when we went from the client, my colleague asked me: "So, did your husband change his mind about adoption?" 

I: "I haven't changed my mind. Nor did he."
She: "I think you should adopt."
I: "Why should we?"
She: "You would be happier".
I: "I am happy. It just pisses me off when I get comments like now. And it pisses me of, when everybody thinks that adoption is magical solution for everybody. It is not."
She: "I think you should adopt."  
I: "We decided not to adopt (=quick list of all the reasons why we do not wish to adopt, among them is also a reason that there literally are no children available in our country and we do not feel like going to Russia and buying a child for 30.000 EUR since we doubt that everything is legitimate there.") .... Besides that, we have all together 6 nephews / nieces, so we have company of children when we want to."
She: "But - having nieces & nephews is not the same".
I: "Neither is adopting. I just know that deep in myself an adopted child could never heal the desire of having our own child. "

..... lots of lots of discussion, already forgot a lot of it

She: "I think you should adopt. Or take foster children"
I:   "Why don't you?"
She:  (shocked by the question) "But - I do have my own children!"
I: "And - this is exactly what I wished for. If I couldn't get them, it is my choice to stop there and live happily childfree ever after."
She: "But - you are supposed to do something good for someone."
I: "Really? Just because I am infertile, I am expected to be a Samaritan?"

(just a note: the most horrible thing is to take foster children and then have a broken heart when you have to return them)

***
What is wrong with people? Why can't they leave me alone?

If I was really mean, I could hurt this coworker really badly. She just lost her brother two years ago. She knows what grief is (but is only able to understand her own grief).
I could suggest her to borrow (for example) my brother once every month - so she would have a brother too. 
I am not mean. I did not comment anything about her brother. I just asked her politely to appreciate my decision. Because, my life is mine. And my decisions are mine to make.

First New Year resolution: I will never ever discuss adoption with anybody.
Exception: childless friends.

First Blog Anniversary

It is exactly one year since I started to write my blog. Here is a my first post:
http://thenext15000days.blogspot.com/2011/12/living-new-happy-life-after.html

Writting a blog has really helped me!


I will be happy to get your comments also in the future. It is nice feeling - not to be alone!

And - I would be happy to get some emails from you:

klara.soncek   (at)   gmail.com



Looking forward to your comments & emails :)

Life after infertility

I got my period today. My first thought was: Great! I will be without it on 31st of December (I am planning short holidays with DH). It will be more romantic without it :)

Then I remembered of all the pain and grief that the first day of period caused me for many long years, each month.

How happy am I that those dark years are over! 

*** 

For the ones who are not there yet: Life after infertility does get easier and more beautiful.

Looking forward to May

Two days ago I got  wonderful news. A dear friend of mine is coming with her DH to Dubrovnik in May. Can't wait!!! We are taking some days off to meet them there.

Dubrovnik (on the photo) is one of the most beautiful towns that I have ever seen. It lies approx. 700 kilometers from our home, so it is more then a decade since I visited it the last time.

More info about Croatia: http://croatia.hr/en-GB/Homepage 
(I had seen some seas... and the most beautiful sea (at least for me) is Dalmatia.)

Emilie

This is the first photo of a child that was killed in Newtown that I have seen. Beautiful child. How could anybody harm any child?

***
Compared to tragedies like this, my dealing with infertlity really seems like a piece of cake.

***

Sweet eternal dreams to all baby angels!

Omar

 

 

I read this article on BBC: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-20466027 three weeks ago and just can't forget about it.

 

Omar was really a picture perfect baby. How sad that he is gone.

It is sad to think how many children die around the world every day.

 

Not long ago I read a good book of a war journalist. He thinks that it is emotional stealing - if tragedy happens to other people and you pretend that your pain is the same as the pain and grief of the people who lost beloved ones.  

 

***

So I think that it is actually really very selfish of all  parents who have their mouths full of words that you can undesrstand pain and grief only if you are a parent. Really selfish!

 

Only Omar's parents (=and all other parents arounds the world who lost children and beloved ones in tragedies) can understand what parents in Newtown feel.

 

 

I feel the grief. And - I am not a parent.

I regret that a tragedy in Newtown happened. I feel deep sorrow for the ones who lost their children and beloved ones.

I watched Obama's speech and he made me angry. Here is his quote:

"I know there is not a parent in America who doesn't feel the same overwhelming grief that I do."


A question for Mr. Obama:
Do you REALLY think that you have to be a parent to feel grief?

This is my favourite time of year to be childless

Isn't it a wonderful picture? I found it on Facebook, on my cousin's page. What a brave girl she is, my cousin!

I had a tough day. I visited with my coworker some clients (=bringing them presents for Christmas / New Year). The last meeting that we had was with women few years younger as me. I have known her for almost a decade. Once I even met her little boy and her husband. We meet once or twice a year. We do business. We chat, but never anything really personal.

Anyway. Today, after we wished each other good wishes for a year to come, she asked me: "How about children?".

I was shocked about the question (since I thought she knew I didn't have any). I just answered, very politely: "I don't have any children."   (=full stop).

(If her further question would be - why not?  - I would answer that I tried and I couldn't have a child.)

But -  her further comment  was: "I know. It is high time you had one."

This comment REALLY made me angry. How dare she comment anything? I answered: "I have 10 dead children."

But she didn't give up. Her comment was: "Well, you are still young, you can still have one."

And I answered: "I am not young, I am 40."

Then I just quickly said goodbye and just left.


After few hours when my anger already got smaller, I got a kind SMS from a rude client:
"Carissima Klara, scusa per prima, sono stata senza cuore. Un bacio."

Translation: "Dearest Klara, sorry for before, I was without heart. Kiss."

Lovely apology, isn't it? Italians really do have a style!

Martha & Ernest

It is too cold outside (-10 C and lots and lots of snow) so  it is time to watch movies in cosy & warm living room with my DH.

I just loved the movie about Hemingway & Gellhorn. I really love movies where I can learn something new.

Looking back on a life  Martha Gellhorn once confessed: ''I'm overprivileged. I've had a wonderful life. I didn't deserve it but I've had it.''

I hope to be able to say the same when I am 90 :)

I am not sure, but I think Martha Gellhorn was childfree.





PS: The movie reminded me to read some of Hemingway books that I haven't read yet.

Finding a new dream

Don't get me wrong - I am happy that Kate & William are getting a baby. But please, could this not be news anywhere? December is hard enough without it...

I just came back from Italy (I spent 3 beautiful days working there). Have I told you that I just LOVE Italian cuisine? I am practising there ordering dinner and enjoying my own company. I was reading an Italian regional newspaper (Il Piccolo) and there they had really stupid article about royal baby arriving. The literate translation would be something like that: "Yes, they are able to reproduce. Thanks Heavens for that...." In the article there was word combination "in dolce attesa" (=in sweet expectations) like zillion of times. I tried to skip the article but I just couldn't. Luckily the dinner was delicious so my moods improved.

***

I had a coffee with one of my school friends from high school last week. It was nice to see her and catch up (she is also childless). Today in the morning I wrote her just saying that I had great time and that I would love to see her again sooner then in one year (this is how often we usually meet). And she wrote back immediately that she was dreaming about me previous night. In her dream I was holding lots of medical papers, I was very happy and was explaining to her that I am finally pregnant and that I need to make final test to confirm it.

I wrote back that I just burnt ALL my medical reports that I had after 10 IVF treatments. And that with the papers I also burnt my old dreams. And that now I am on a pursuit of finding a new dream.

It felt liberating to put it down!

Tons of documents from the hospitals

Only a woman that went through one IVF treatment knows, how much medical documentation there is for one treatment.

So you can imagine how many documents I had after 10 IVFs? Tons!

I just packed everything, my DH will burn everything tomorrow. It feels good!

The only thing that I could not throw away is a photo of our two embryos (we got the photo only once). This is the closest thing that we have to a photo of our children.

I put the photo of our embryos in a beautiful big box, where are plenty of nice memories. I can't say it is a nice memory. But it is a memory of a beautiful dream we once had.  I just couldn't force myself to put the photo away...

I don't feel sad. It is, what it is.

I  just know that I have to (and I wish to) make the most of the life I have.  It is not the life I planned for myself. But it is beautiful as well.

A toy

I love my sister. But sometimes she has absolutely no clue how to handle my infertility.

A while ago (I was in the darkest days of my infertility journey) she went to Australia for a holiday. She brought me a small present: a toy - koala with a baby koala.

I hated the toy from the moment I got it. I didn't want to be impolite, so I put it on our shelf in the living room.  Whenever I looked at koala it made me sad since a koala has something I will never have.

I was cleaning  the  living room today. I threw away many things that I did not need nor want anymore (for example some stupid books that I loved to read when I was 20).

And - I finally got the courage to throw away the koala as well.

I feel free!!!


***

Had a long walk with my Wolf today, in the snow. It was cold and beautiful.

Childless?

How can you call me childless if my life is full of children?
Well, the children are not mine, but they still belong to my life. 

Usually I see my nieces only 2 - 3 times per month, but this week I spent two afternoons with them since we are having a visit from Australia (two girls in their late twenties).

It was lovely to watch my two nieces (3 and 5) trying to communicate. They learned the words Hello and Goodbye. And they know how to count in English to 10... they were so proud that they could show their knowledge to Australian girls.

I enjoyed it so much! I am happy that my nieces have opportunity to speak English at such an early stage.

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Skyfall

In order to prevent us being couchpotatoes (=my favourite thing to do in winter), I took DH to movies yesterday.

It was nice to observe him how he loves watching James Bond movies.

I just love Adele theme song!

Water for elephants

I watched this movie yesterday, with my DH. Beautiful movie!

(Although I had to close my eyes couple of times, I can not watch scenes when somebody tortures an animal).

I loved Rosie, the elephant!


***

Before watching the movie we had a long a really long walk with our beloved animal, the Wolf.

Up

I love computer animated movies. The one I really love is UP:

Especially because it includes a beautiful love story of Ellie & Carl.

It was the first time that I saw an infertility isssue in this type of movie.

I remember crying in a movie, when watching the part when Ellie was dealing with the infertility.

Completely missunderstood

I was on messenger  with a coworker  from another department today, we were chatting a bit how  to fix some job related problem. She just moved to a new house and she asked me later on what were our plans regarding building a house and I explained that we think we might had found a perfect land and that we hope to buy it in few weeks...  (subject for another post, in January)

Here is the weird conversation that we had later on (I came to her office where 9 women are sitting).

She:  Oh, hello... I am so happy for you, I hope your dreams will come true.

Me:   Well, it is not sure yet... but I hope everything will work out.

She:   (obviously I missed some curious looks since I focused on the document in my hands).
          No, Klara is NOT pregnant!

Me:      (many curious looks that I DID noticed)
            Well, I am too old for that...

She:    You are not too old for that...

Only few seconds later (after delivering the document, wishing nice weekend and saying goodbye) I realized that she did not think that I am too old for pregnancy. She wanted to say I am not too old too have s**.

Bloody *****. Of course I am not too old to have s**!!!!

****

Closure for today: I will not comment ANYTHING EVER again to women who are mothers of small children. They just can not get it.

How to live beyond 100

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-18613263

I loved this article.

Books & finding a new old friend

I took a day off work yesterday and I went to our capital where there is a beautiful exhibition of books. So many books! I bought one book (about growing vegetables and herbs) and got lots of ideas which books to get at our library. Or which to order online, in English.

While walking around I met a colleague C from university. I haven't seen her for the last 10 years. When I finished university, there were no mobile phones, no email addresses to exchange... so I lost contact with the most of colleagues.

We were happy to see each other. We were chatting for about 5 minutes when C invited me for a cup of coffee. And I froze. Because I always fear of the torture part (involving the question: "So - do you have any kids?" )

C was in is a beautiful woman, full of life. I was sure she had at least three children.

The feared question never appeared.

I was explaining that I always check also for good children books for my nieces and nephew. I added that I do not have children of my own, so I have to spoil others.

And C responded: "I do not have kids either. I wanted to have them, but it did not work out."

Can you imagine? So many of us out there!

Our coffee break was long, we had so many stories to tell to each other!

I got a nice compliment from her. When I was telling her our infertility path, she added: "I can tell that you are already OK with it because you look happy."

I realized at that moment that I probably really am OK (well, at least most of the time). And I explained if I was telling her about my childfree/ childless life few years ago, I would just start crying and I wouldn't be able to stop. 

We agreed to meet again in December, for another, even longer coffee. I am looking forward to it!

A single man

I love love love Colin Firth!

I watched a movie A single man with my DH yesterday and just loved it.   It is sad & beautiful movie.

The movie made me think of how fortunate are people who find the love of a lifetime. I consider myself as one of them.

Fertility predicted by mother's age at menopause

One of the hobbies that I have had for the last few years is reading BBC News website, especially the section Health.

This week I read this:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-20217735

Strangely, I felt a relief.
My mother was 42 when she entered menopause.
Perhaps this is a clue why my ovaries just could not produce quality eggs during IVFs. 
So, it is not my fault. I just have  it in my genes.

I have never ever felt any regret about not trying to children when I was in my 20's. Reason. In my twenties I was in some really bad relationships (but was just too young to realize that then).

I met the love of my life when I was nearly 30. And he is the only man I ever wished to have a child with.

Weird question, weird answer

There is a weird conversation that I had with our secretary at work yesterday (she is 26, nice, loves to chat, she just started to work couple of weeks ago).

I was preparing some tea for me when she entered the kitchenette (we were alone, since it was very early):

She:   So, what about children?
Me:   What children?
She:   Your children.
Me:    I do not have children.
She:   I know you do not have children. So, when are you planing to have them?
Me:    I am not planning. I am too old. So, when are YOU going to have children?
She:   (Shocked by question). Well, I do not know. Not for some years, but I still have time. You are not too old. You can still have them.
Me:    Well. I have 10 dead children. No alive child. And I will not have any children more. 

The poor girl was shocked by my answer. She apologized briefly and went away. Then she avoided me for the rest of the day.

I felt total freedom. She will never ever ask me THAT question again.

I did not feel like explaining that my 10 children are only my embbies that decided not to stay with me.  Those are parts of my life that I do not wish to remember any more: the deep sadness when the period arrived after IVF.

Happy - Happy - Happy

I got a phone call from the hospital few days ago and I had ultrasound of the breasts this morning.
Everything is perfectly fine! I am so happy!!!
So - thank you for all your kind wishes couple of weeks ago.
They obviusly helped.

A doctor that was doing ultrasound was really nice. Older, wise and very kind. She was surprised to see how young I am and that I already had mammography. I explained about 10 failed IVFs. She took time and we talked a bit.  It was so great to talk with her.

She was surprised to hear that I had that many IVFs so she asked: "But why did you have that many?" I explained that I just could not accept my life without kids.

She  said: "I will tell you something that I have never told anybody. My best friend has three children, they are in their late 20s now. And she always says that if she was young again, she would never ever decided to have children. Children are not always blessing, you know?"

And her words made my soul smile :) 

Later on she asked me whether we thought about adopting.  I said that we are just too old to get a baby. Then she suggested Russia. I said that I do not trust Russia and explained that if there were so many stolen babies in Spain only few decades ago, how can I be sure that there aren't some stolen babies in Russia. And she just concluded that of course that there are stolen babies also in Russia.

PS: Later on in our conversation I learned that she is a mother (she was kind to me, so she did not boast, but I guess she just adores her children and grandchildren).

Fifty Shades Freed

I wanted to save the last book for Christmas & New Year period, but I just couldn't wait any longer.
No more time for blogging  today :)

The barren aunt

I spent yesterday afternoon my parent's house, together with my four nephews, aged from 6 months to five years. It was lovely. Very crowdy, vivid and loud.  Me & DH came back home completely exhausted. It was lovely to come to our quiet apartment to have our peace.

Today afternoon my sister came for a visit with her little ones (6 months, 3 years). It was lovely. I do not want to boast, but I really am good with children. They love me. I know how to talk to children, I always did.

It is lovely to be able to enjoy company of other people's children. I was not able to do that for the first 5 - 7 years of our infertility path. 

I guess I am quite OK with being childless.

The only thing that really hurts me are casual remarks of different people who regard my life less important (or even worthless) just because I do not have children of my own.

***
Today I read Mali's post The barren aunt and I just loved it:
 http://nokiddinginnz.blogspot.com/2012/11/the-barren-aunt.html 

Two days off

Today is a national holiday in my country and so is tomorrow. It is really great not having to go to work for whole 2 days!

DH had to work, so I made myself a beautiful day. I went for a long walk with my beloved Wolf, we walked 16 kilometers (10 miles). We had a great time together. He enjoyed it a lot... going to far away places that we usually do not go.

I did not take any photos today, so I am attaching a photo taken in the summer, from our walk to the mountains.  Isn't my Wolf handsome?

***
This week all schools have a week off. So literally all coworkers with kids took the whole week off. It was quite annoying - all the talking about different activities / holidays etc.  I stopped counting how many times I was asked where I would go for holidays this week. I invented the sentence: "I never go on holiday when EVERYBODY else goes." Without explaining any further. None of nobody's business.

I'm tired...

I have just seen it on FB and liked it:

Monday

The beginning of the day was really nice.  I had a cup of coffee with a business partner from the USA that I haven't seen for three years. She is a in her late forties. I don't know her that well. I know she is happily married (for 20 years), without children. I guess they could not have them, but we never talked about it.

They have been living in Europe for the last few years. I asked her whether they are planning to stay in Europe for good or they are planning to return to States. And she said that they do not know yet - that all possibilities are open for them.

Suddenly I felt so happy for them - literally all possibilities are open for them. Being childfree make them free.

And I felt good for me & my DH. We can have exactly the life we want to have.

***

Then I had lunch with two colleagues from another department.  Everything went well at the beginning, until the moment they started discussing pregnancy of another coworker and this encouraged them to awake their memories about their pregnancy some years ago.  I had to listen to every details... But I did not feel that bad.  It just proved my theory on how low EQ some people have. Unbelievable! And they didn't even noticed that I didn't open my mouth for 20 minutes. I swear - I am not and I was never as rude as that - to completely exclude another human being from the conversation.  

***

Then I had a long walk with my beloved Wolf. I love him so much! Can not imagine my life without him.

***
And then my Mattie dropped by in the evening, for a cup of tea. I know she is busy, combining demanding job & two demanding little children. So I really appreciate time that she takes to be with me, even if only for half an hour.

***
I am just watching the news.... I am keeping my fingers crossed that Sandy will not be as bad as predicted.

After 30 years of waiting...

I just read this article:
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/antonia-asti-brazilian-mum-gives-1401808

I am happy for this woman, that she got her children after 30 years of waiting for them.

But - what I am not happy about is that there are more and more woman having babies after the age of 50. It gives a false impression - that there are no age limits for having babies.

I am 40. I am so over needles & drugs & infertility clinics.

Yes. I am definitely too old to have a child.

Afraid

I got a letter from the hospital back, after the mammography.

The letter was short. No results. Only an invitation for some further tests (ultrasound of breasts).

I have to go back to the hospital in the first week of December.

Such a long wait!

I am afraid.

I went for a walk. I met plenty of people, some with children.

I wasn't envious of extra cute babies that I met with their parents.

I was just envious of all people that I met with a smile on their face.... without the heavy burden.  

Sophie & Sophia

My top top favourite TV drama is House, M.D. (so is my husband's). So never ever expect a post from me on Tuesday evening, we are always watching TV :)

When there is a new baby in one of my favourite TV shows I usually feel down. Not this time - Dr. Taub got two daughters with two women. It is quite complicated so I am not envious :)

It is a nice feeling - being to watch extra cute babies without feeling the envy.

Green Square

I have new inspiration. It's a book "Green Square", written by Croatian woman.
It has been translated also in my language and it's a best seller.

I didn't take enough time for my garden this year. I did grow quite some vegetables, especially courgettes / pumpkins. But there is a long list of a vegetables that I would like to grow.

I find working on my garden really relaxing, despite all hard work.

Luckily the winter is approaching so I will have quite some weeks to study some new ideas.

I am not funny

I realized already a while ago that I am already OK with being without children (at least most of the time). The only thing that I am not OK is small talk with the Others (=non childless people).

I spent the last two days at the seaside, working on some project. There was also another company, in which I have two work friends:
friend A:  my age, mother of 2
friend B: my age, childless, just lost a baby (at 17week pregnancy)

*note: those are not my good friends, just women I know through work and had spent quite some time in the last few years when working on different projects. Both of them know about my 10 failed IVFs. 


This time I was working on a project together with friend A. We were working, but there was still plenty of time for small talks.

Friend A was explaining that her company got new general manager and that she didn't have a meeting with him yet, but a friend B did. I asked him what was he like. And friend A explained that he was really nice, that he had even shown photos of his four children to a friend B.

Here is the conversation:

Me:  It is really unprofessional of a general manager to show photos of his children to his employees!
Friend A:  Klara, you are so funny! Isn't it nice that he is proud of his children????

long silence

Me: I am not funny. I just consider that a general manager has to know the difference between his business and private life. And how do you think that a friend B felt? She had nothing to show in return, except perhaps two photos of her two dead babies.

long silence. Then friend A changed the subject.


***

I am declaring that from this moment on I will not try the Others to understand us. Because they can not.

Exception are only our good friends who show genuine interest in us and our feelings. And there are really only few of good friends. I am lucky to have some.

Please, keep my fingers crossed for me!

I spent many sad days in the last 10 years because of my infertility. There were lots of sadness, grieving, anger, envy...

Today I had a moment when I realized that all those negative feelings do not make any more sense. I do not want them in my life any more. And that I am really really OK by being without children. As long as I am healthy nothing else really matters.

I had mammography today. First of all the doctor checked my breasts manually (sorry for the expression, I don't know the right one). And she could feel something suspicious, she said that it could be tumor and that mammogram will show.

Then I had mammography. It hurt. The doctor was unfriendly and rough.

I will get the results within 3 - 4 weeks.

I guess everything will be OK. But I am still scared a bit.

Please, keep my fingers crossed for me!


***

I felt really down when leaving hospital.
A really long walk with my beloved Wolf helped me.

Silent Sorority & my sister

Have you read Silent Sorority? There just aren't enough words for me to describe on how many levels this book helped me with accepting my childless life. During the winter I am looking to re-read the book, I will write more then.

Once I was describing this book to my sister and I was explaining that no book could describe how I feel better then this book. So she said she would love to read the book.

One evening she phoned me, I picked up the phone and she was just crying. I got scared that something bad happened to her baby girl. But my sister was just crying on the phone: "It is so sad that Pamela can not have children. It is so sad that you can not have children." So I also started to cry and we were just crying together... No words were needed.

Brave

I will tell you a secret.
Me & my DH love computer animated movies.
We are going to the cinema now, to watch Brave. For those who haven't watched it: it's first Disney story about a princess who decided to be single. Looking forward to it!!!

Mammography

The last time that I went to see my gyn, she told me that since not giving birth, I have increased possibility of breast cancer (obviously I knew that already). She sends all her childless patients to mammography when they are 40. And at 50, if they have children.

I got a date for the test yesterday, but I have to reschedule it (few days of a new business trip are waiting for me at the end of October!).

Arranging an appointment at the hospital brings many memories back. And they are not nice...

Alone But Together

How beautiful it is to wake up, have a nice breakfast with husband and than notice a kind blog post from one of my dearest friends:
http://blog.silentsorority.com/2012/10/02/alone-but-together-.aspx?results=1

I am attaching two photos, taken on two excursions that I had with you, Pamela. I am really so happy that we met!

And - I am so happy to have found a support group that has members all over the world!


Explanation for others:
- the first photo is taken in the north of Slovenia, in alpine part
- the second photo: the most beautiful castle in Slovenia: Predjama castle

If only she knew II

I have a new resolution. I will try to avoid multiple dates with mommy-friends for the next decade. I can handle only one mommy-friend at once.

Reason: if there is topic that I do not like, I can get our conversation to another, safer path.  For example - if I was only with one mommy friend, I would just stop participating in conversation with a topic "all details from the last school gathering of my first grader". But when two friends have a need to discuss every single detail in front  of me, it is impossible. I hate being invisible.*****

I was invited to celebrating a birthday of a friend. We went for a delicious cake, there were three of us. 

One of the girls is a good friend.

Another is a friend from the past, our friendship was seriously damaged because she did not know how to handle my infertility issues (her way of dealing of unpleasant issues: Let's stay positive & Do not even mention anything  at all. If we do not talk about, it means everything is perfectly fine.).

But she is kind and I still wanted that she knows me better.

So when there was a topic of why it is so popular to moan about husbands, I told them this story:
http://thenext15000days.blogspot.com/2012/02/if-only-she-knew.html

My real friend understood the point.
But my distant friend's comment was: "Oh my God. Children should bring couple closer together!" She completely missed the point of what I was actually trying to say.

Anyway, I really really love to spend my time with my DH. and our Wolf. They never ever hurt my feelings.



*****Why people do not get it which topics are safe area for somebody who has invisible scars? Few days ago I went for a long walk with another friend and my dog. We spent many beautiful hours together. This friend is single, childfree. She is single because she never met the love of her life. And I know she is a bit sad about it (she is two years older then me). Anyway, whenever I am with this friend, I am careful that I do not say something that might hurt her. Why can't other friends do the same for me?

Memories

I have never told you what my top favourite song is. I am attaching it. I am listening it right now & enjoying it....

It is exactly 1 year since our last - 10th -  IVF attempt  failed. I was heartbroken, because I was so sure everything would finally work out (since we were using donor eggs). For the first time I had lots of symptoms that made me believe that I was pregnant. I wasn't. The only eason for all symptoms were only strong drugs. We were sure that pregnancy test will show magic plus. And we just couldn't believe our eyes that there was just a big fat minus. Again.

There just aren't right words to describe how sad I was.

I am happy to see what a long way did I come in the last 365 days. I am proud of myself.

You is kind. You is smart. You is important.

I got a book The Help for a New Year present from Mattie couple of years ago and I just loved it. Then - as soon as the movie came to our country last winter, I watched it with her. Also loved it. And then yesterday I watched it on DVD with my husband. It was really nice to watch it again.

The most of all I like Aibileen's sentence: "You is kind. You is smart. You is important." I will start my day with having this in mind :)

Guilt

Infertility gave me many feelings. So many bad ones. If I had to choose one feeling that hurt me the most, I would choose guilt. Guilt of not being able to give my husband a child.

It took me only few years that I accepted that I was not able to have a child. But it took me almost a decade before I got rid off the guilt.

It seemed so unfair. My husband remained childless only because of loving me. I feared that one day, when he was old & grey, he would regret staying married with me. Obviously I knew that he married me because he loved me. But still.

I tried to have this conversation many times with him, but he refused to hear anything. But then, one day (few years ago) I made him listen what I had to say.

I told him that I loved him more then anything. And that it would break my heart if I knew that one day he regretted the decision to stay with me. Because with this decision he lost opportunity to have children with someone else. And that if he wished to get a divorce, it would break my heart, but I would completely understand it and signed everything.

The moment was so sad, so emotional, so  I do not really remember what he said. I remember just lots of crying & kisses & hugs.

And... we lived happily ever after. Together. Forever.

*****

I still feel good about having that conversation. My guilt dissapeared that day.

Black Swan

The winter is approaching and with it the part of the year where my favourite hobby is watching movies with DH.

Few days ago we watched Black Swan. Beautiful & sad movie!

Adopting? No, thank you (part II)

Few years ago a young woman wrote a book about foster system in our country. She was put in the foster family aged 4 if I remember correctly. She spent more than a decade in foster family and she had many bad experiences.

The book is beautifully written. I was deeply touched when reading a book. There were so many touching moments in the book. For example - her memories about being 8 or 10 years old and begging social workers to put her in adoption. How she wished to be loved.

I told my husband many times, if I met a little girl (even if 10 years old) that was so sweet, I would love to adopt.  

Years passed by and I forgot about that book and the author.

And then - I saw her again two days ago, on national news. She is accused of a criminal act (cheating many parents - she took the money as deposit for daycare that she had no intention to really open). 

***
My conclusion. Blood is not water (proverb in my country). Adopting just carries too many risks that I am not willing to take. Neither is my DH.

I was disappointed in this author. I watched some interviews and I was really impressed with her - the energy that she had. She was so kind and confident. I guess she is just really good in manipulating.

But can you imagine, how disappointed I would be, if my adopted child turned out to be like that?

Spring is far away for us

I guess that the vast majority of my readers has never heard my language. It is spoken only by 2 million people. One of the most romantic things about my language is that it does not have only singular and plural. It has also a dual form!

I am attaching my favourite song. Whenever I hear it, it makes me think of how much I love my husband. And that I really really hope that we will be happily together for many decades.

Here is translation of the song (by me, so it is not that perfect):


SPRING IS FAR AWAY FOR US

We are now old and grey

because of  the heavy burden of years.
We became so vulnerable,
the world became much too fast for us.

Our paths are short,
rarely we go out.
Always together, always alone,
She is all I have.

Far, far away is the spring for us,
the autumn has come.
Long time ago was the time that I told the girl "I love you."
And when I was her boyfriend.

Far, far away for us is the spring
I regret that the youth is gone.
But I would not want to become young and without her,
I prefer to be old and with her.  

We talk about all the memories,
there was so much of everything.

We say: "How everything passes by quickly."
And we feel sorry a bit.

But then we laugh,
happy because we found each other.
How beautiful it is, that we met
and went through the life together.

Clock root out memories,
"Come to bed," she whispers.
She holds my hand and
we rise up slowly.
 

At night she holds me tightly.
I know her every touch.
I banish the bitter thought:
Who of us will be left alone?

Far, far away for us is the spring
the autumn has come.
Long time ago is the time that I told the girl "I love you."
And when I was her boyfriend.

Far, far away for us is the spring
I regret that the youth is gone.
But I would not want to become young again,
I prefer to be old and with her. 

***

And here is the original version:

ADI SMOLAR: DALEČ JE ZA NAJU POMLAD

Danes stara sva in siva,
pozna se težko breme let.
Postala sva tako ranljiva,
mnogo prehiter je za naju svet.

Najine poti so kratke,
le redkokdaj še greva kam.
Vedno skupaj, vedno sama,
ona vse je, kar imam.

Daleč, daleč je za naju pomlad,
leta prinesla so jesen.
Daleč, ko dekletu sem govoril:"Rad te imam."
In ko bil jaz fant sem njen.

Daleč, daleč je za naju pomlad,
mi za mladostjo je hudo.
A ne bi hotel sam postati spet mlad,
raje star sem, star in z njo.

Govoriva si spomine,
mnogo vsega je bilo.
Rečeva: "Kako vse mine."
In malo nama je hudo.

A nato se nasmejiva,
srečna ker sva se našla.
Kako lepo je, da sva se spoznala
in skupaj skozi življenje šla.

Daleč, daleč je za naju pomlad,
leta prinesla so jesen.
Daleč, ko dekletu sem govoril:"Rad te imam."
In ko bil jaz fant sem njen.

Daleč, daleč je za naju pomlad,
mi za mladostjo je hudo.
A ne bi hotel sam postati spet mlad,
raje star sem, star in z njo.

Ura prepodi spomine,
"Greva spat," zašepeta.
Trdno me pod roko prime
in s težavo vstaneva.

Ponoči k meni se privije.
Vsak njen dotik tako poznan
mi prežene grenko misel:
Kdo od naju ostal bo sam.

Daleč, daleč je za naju pomlad,
leta prinesla so jesen.
Daleč, ko dekletu sem govoril:"Rad te imam."
In ko bil jaz fant sem njen.

Daleč, daleč je za naju pomlad,
mi za mladostjo je hudo.
A ne bi hotel sam postati spet mlad,
raje star sem, star in z njo

***

Isn't it a beautiful song?

I hope to feel exactly as this when I am very very old.