Growing my Organic Food

One of my hobbies that I haven't mentioned yet is growing organic food.

In the last few years  in our country really grew awarness about how important it is what you eat. So couple of years ago I asked my mother-in-law if I could have a small piece of land to grow vegetables. She was really nice, she gave me aproximately 40 square meters of land. I adore courgettes / zucchinis... so I always have lots of them. And I have also peppers, pickles, swiss chard, spinach, lettice, eggplants, cauliflowers, carrots...

And my balconies will be full of herbs. My top favourite is basil. And I have also plenty of others. Since wathcing Jamie Oliver a decade ago for the first time I find it so cool to use fresh herbs in cooking.

For the last two days I have been working really hard - I was preparing the earth (it was untouched since October). And I planted the first spinach, lettice and swiss chard (I have my Mum telling me when to plant what - she is expert in planting by the moon).

And besides working I went today also for 10-km walk with a friend of mine & my dog.

Now I am sooooooo tired. And happy.

It is excellent recipy for hapiness: having lots of physical work & activities on fresh air.

I am not normal

Today I got an email from an ex school friend with whom I spent 4 years together in secondary school. She sent invitation to 25 school friends, she is organizing 20th anniversary since finishing the school.

I have lovely memories of my class. I spent 4 happy years with my shool friends. I was a good pupil, with lots of friends.

So - normal reaction would be: So great! I will be able to see al my school friends! We will be able to talk about all the naughty things we did together. And we will be able to share what happened in the 5 years since our last meeting.

But, I am not normal. I guess I will never be. I just deleted the email. Can't bear to go to that meeting. There will be 23 people showing the pictures of their little ones. And there would be another friend, who just never found the love of her life, so she is single and childless . And then there would be me. No way.

My DH has a witty expresion for situations like that: he would say: I would rather have my knees shot :)

If somebody will contact me again, I will just lie . I got so good at lying in the last few years! Just to avoid all kind of possible events that would break my heart. Again. I have only one hearth. So I have to look after it!

Adopting? No, thank you.

At the beginning of our infertility path I was sure that if IVF treatments didn't work out, we would adopt. My DH was actually always against the idea of adopting, but I didn't really argue with him since we were SO sure that IVF treatments will work out eventually. But even after all failed IVF-s I never tried to persuade him. Adopting a child is too huge thing to try to persuade somebody into it.

Some years ago we bought pure-bread 7-week-old puppy and brought him home.  (I know that you think - what possible connection can a dog have with adopting a child - but I promise - it has!) We were very happy to have him (The Wolf) for the first two months, but then our nightmare began. He started to grow up and show his extremly dominant character. And my DH & me are not dominant at all. But I was the weaker of the two of us, so The Wolf decided to attack me. And he was attacking me for whole year - it was terrible. We couldn't sleep for many nights. And all we wished was to be alone. For good. Without him. And we kept talking - isn't it great that this is only the dog that we regret of having... how horrible feeling would it be that we adopted a child and then regreted our decision.

I read studies that told that many adoptions go wrong because character of the child is completely different as the character of parents. And adopting a baby you know absolutely nothing about child's character. And I believe that 80 % of everything is predominated by genes.

There are only 5 kids available every year for adoption in my country (and aproximately 300 certified couples waiting for a child). And we have a law saying that 1 year after adoption a birth mother can change her mind and take the baby back. It would break my heart... I am just not willing to take this risk.

Many couples from my country go to Russia to adopt a child. Total cost is aproximately 30.000 EUR (huge amount for us, since everage nett wage in our country is 980 EUR per month). But to tell you the truth, I do not trust Russian system. If even in Spain they kept stealing babies untill 30 years ago - how can I be sure that there wasn't some unjustice done to  parents that had their children taken away?

We have been in the train of wishing & hoping & having our heart broken for million times for the last 9 years. We are just done with wishing & hoping.  We just want to live. Now. Life. Our life.

I know myself. I just know that adopting a child wouldn't erase my desire to have our biological child.
I love so many things about my husband. I would love to have his child. A child with his bright smile. His great mind. His kind heart.  No adoption can give me what I really want. His biological child. Our child.

*****
With the help of Cesar Millan (Dog Whisperer) we learned how to deal with The Wolf. So our life togehter now is a happy now, we love him so much!  But - it is not necessary that also our story of adoption would have such a happy end. And we are just now willing to take any chances...

Having a beautiful family of two with a dog is also a great thing :)

EI

Some people have no Emotional intelligence at all.

If I am with a colleague my age that is single, I never ever talk about my husband and how happy I am with him. Because it does not seem nice thing to do. Because you never know (if you do not know the person well) - if this was a choice or not to remain single.

If I talk with a person who has multiple sclerosis, I do not boast about long walks that I do with my dog.

If I talk to a person for whom I know that earns only little, I do not boast about buying flight tickets to other continents.   Or about buying really good (and expensive) bike.

***
So - why do people constantly talk about their kids / pregnancies / deliveries / difficulties with raising kids  etc. to me??? It is not stuff I want to hear or know about.

I just had a hard weekend (as you see). I had to work whole weekend, I was away from home from three days. I was with a group of 15 women, mostly my age, that I have known (through work) for the last few years.

And since we don't know each other that well, the only common thing that all women have (well, all except me) - are children.   So - this was the topic that went on and on...

My coworker is the only one who knows my story (well, not all details, but generally). She is nice girl, my age. And I love her. And hate her at the same time. For the complete lack of EI.  She was the one who constantly brought our conversations to the topics I hate the most: conception / birth control / deliveries / pregnancy anouncements...

Just an example.

Morning. Hotel breakfast room. She eating breakfast. Me coming to the room.

Me: Good morning. Did you sleep well?
Her: Yes, until 2 am when I got an sms from my distant relative, who just got a baby boy. Oh... I am so happy for him. ..... (followed with all details about this family)

Do I fucking want to hear this for the start of a new day? No! Do I want to hear this story at all? No! And she knows that my husband will never ever be able to send that kind of SMS to anybody. 

Anyway, I am happy that weekend is over I can get back to my old, cosy life. I am looking forward to a long walk with The Wolf today after work.

Why I like rainy Sundays

I just returned from a long walk with DH and the Wolf. We made a 13-kilometer-walk around the most beautiful Slovenian Lake. Since it was a rainy day, we met only few adults and 3 dogs. On a sunny Sunday we would meet tons of families with small kids.

So I really like rainy Sundays, to be able to visit the most beautiful parts of my country without the crowds. 

Bloggie friends

Not so long ago I couldn't find even one single good thing that childlessness brought me. Now I can already see more than one. And the most important is: having  bloggie friends from ALL around the world. Isn't that awsome?

So far I have met in person only one bloggie friend and it was absolutely great. We spent some wonderful days together.  Here is a post about my country, seen with the eyes of my bloggie friend's husband:
http://open.salon.com/blog/alex_tsigdinos/2011/08/08/i_left_my_doubts_in_slovenia

I am looking forward to:
- meeting P&A many times again
- meeting more bloggie friend also in person, any time in the next 15000 days :)

The toast

What a great way to start a new morning. I have just read Pamela's toast :

Thanks, Mali and LoriLavenderLuz! In addition to toasting you right back. Is it too early to start drinking (wait, scratch that, we are coming up on St. Patrick’s Day weekend!), I’d like to toast two bloggers I’ve met overseas in real life the past few months — Klara in Slovenia (http://thenext15000days.blogspot.com/) and ShiftyShadow in Australia (http://shiftyshadow.blogspot.com/). They are kindred spirits — two of the most thoughtful and delightful women walking this planet!

on Stirrup Queen's blog: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2012/03/toasts/

I am deeply touched! Thank you Pamela!

I discovered different blogs only couple of years ago, when I was already facing childfree life. I have heard so many nice things about Stirrup Queen - but I have never read her blog. I just glanced it briefly to realize that she has twins. Of course I am happy for her (and for all the others who got their babies). It is only that in the last two years all I needed were blogs of other women who face childfree life. For good. I needed those blogs just to realize, that you CAN live happily ever after, even if the biggest wish in life doesn't come true.

Pamela - thank you for a beautiful toast. I am toasting you back. And I would like to toast to all of you, my readers. I wish you a beautiful weekend!

4 children & 1 hour

I just came back home from two short afternoon visits (it is so great that spring is here: I can move around with my bike again). First of all I visited Mattie and her two children. And then my two nieces. All four children are aged from 0 to 6.  It was nice to see them. But very laud and vivid.

So it is quite nice to come to our pieceful home. And enjoy our quiet evening.

***
One really cute question from my four-year-old niece. She asked me: "Klara, what's the name of your daddy?".  I was surprised by the question since I always thougt the family relationships are clear to her. I answered "The father of your daddy is  also my daddy.". She was completely shocked and she just said :   "Noooooooooooooooooooo". 

I showed her our family photo (when me & my brother were her age)... but according to my niece that photo does not mean anything. She understood that on the photo there were her dad and daddy's mum and dad and next to his dad a little girl who just happens to be Klara, but this does not mean anything

:) :) :) :) So cute!!!  I have been laughing whole afternoon because of my niece.

Zumba

I decided that I do not like the extra layer of fat on my belly and that it is time that I do something for my body. So I went - for the first time - to Zumba yesterday evening. It was great fun! I was a bit unconfortable at first, since I haven't attended any organized sport in over 10 years. But I liked it. It is always fun to try something new. There are three Zumba classes more waiting for me in March. And it is nice to feel a bit of mucle fiber today!

The one thing that I don't liked with organized in-door sports are smelly rooms. So I am looking forward to 10 kilometers walk through forrest with the Wolf today, after work. It is great motivation to try to finish work as soon as possible.

Infertility suchs

 

I wathed a beautiful movie March of the Penguins with my husband yesterday. It was really lovely. But seeing it made me sad. There was a scene with a couple of penguins that accidently broke their precious egg. How lost they were when they realized that their egg was broken. It made me think of our 10 unsuccessful IVF treatments. And  all of our broken eggs...

 Infertility really sucks. You never are the same after it.

Spring has come

Do you know the name of this flower in English? I do not know it... but these flowers are now everywhere.... the sign, that spring has come. Slovenian name for them is "zvončki".

I love spring. And I feel good. I have just booked a room for us in a nice bed and breakfast in Kuala Lumpur (for the first two nights and for the last two nights). It costs only 33 USD / room / night.  This BB has great reviews on Tripadvisor.

I finished reading a novel "The memory keeper's daughter" that I took from Mattie's rich library (thanks, Mattie!). I liked it. I like novels that describe complicated family relationships.

I came home yesterday from a short, two-day-business trip with a coworker who is my age and has two kids. I like being with her, she is really nice. And she explained how exhausted she always feels, working full time and then coming home to two small kids and she feels she just doesn't have any energy left most of the time. She envied my time that I spend on travelling, reading and long walks. And of course I envy her two beautiful daughters. It is just fact of life that it is impossible (for most of the people) to have it ALL.  But, I wasn't sad or anything. It just made me appreciate the things that I do have in my life.

I have to stop writting.... I have a date in one hour with a friend of mine (single, childfree) and with a dog of mine :)  We will go for a long walk.

Malaysia & Singapore

It was a beautiful day yesterday. I had a lovely walk through the forrest with my dog. And... in the afternoon we bought two tickets on Expedia.com to Kuala Lumpur!!!  We will be flying with Emirates for the first time, with A380. Can't wait!

We have 8 weeks now to read some more about Malaysia & Singapore. With more information it is easier to make the most of our holidays. We are already looking forward to delicious malaysian cousine.

Travelling is our favourite way of spending the money.

We  have a private joke that we are not going to leave any money to our nephews and nieces. We will spend it all on travelling :)

Mattie

Let me introduce you Mattie. She is the best friend I have ever had. We have been friends for exactly 20 years. And I hope that many decades of beautiful friendship are waiting for us. She likes me just the way I am. And I like her, just the way she is. 
(Yes, quote is from Bridget Jones that we both loved).
It is so nice to have a friend that you never have to pretend to be something you are  not.

We got married in the same year. So we always assumed our children will be more or less the same age.
Mattie has two beautiful children, a boy who is 6 and a girl who is 4.
The first few years were really hard for me.  I was happy for her. But I just couldn't witness her hapiness. Because her happiness reminded me, what me and my husband don't have and will never have. So I just stopped seing her for a while.

Some other friends understood my going away as the act of my selfishness.
But Mattie has a golden heart. She understood that this is just an act of self-preservation.

During this hard period she sent me a long email from time to time. And it almost always began with: "Dear Klara, I miss you terribly. I will write you an email, just to miss you a bit less...... "
As I read her emails, I almost cried my eyes out. I was so heartbroken because my infertility. But also so happy to have a friend like her. And touched by her kindness.

Anyway, each year that passed by it was easier for me. So piece by piece, we gained our friendship back.

I just came back home, I spent a lovely afternoon with her and her kids.

Some months ago we had a nice walk through the forrest. And to reach the forrest, we had to drive a short distance so the children were asking her with which car would we go. And Mattie explained them that we have to go with their car since Klara doesn't have children so she doesn't have  car-seats for children. So the boy thought for a moment and he said: "Well, if Klara wants, me and my sister can also belong to her a bit".  What a sweet comment! Isn't it? I was deeply touched.

***
Today I told Mattie that I am writting a blog. First question was: is it in English? (she loves English)
So if / when you are reading this post - just that you know: I love you!!!  My life would be lonely without you!