An excellent question

From time to time I exchange emails with a pen-friend from France and earlier this week she asked a question:

"... I  wonder, in being childless not by choice, how much of the pain comes from the lack of children in itself and how much from the society?"

I think this is an excellent question. 

I replied that I would define my pain with a formula: 30 % lack of children, 70 % society. 

I had some days to think about it and the formula  is true for me now. 
But in the very early day of infertility, it would be like 90 % lack of children, 10 % society. 


*** 

Enough of thinking. It is now time for one hour of swimming in the Olympic pool with my mum.
(I definitely inherited my love to swim from her)

Missing Dalmatia

Today I just got this sudden desire that I need my summer dose of swimming in the sea on my favourite Croatian island (photo attached). 

I have just written to the owners of the apartment where we always stay. Hopefully they do have some availability for us.

I love swimming in the sea.

(I am off for a swim in a swimming pool now. It can not be compared to swimming in the crystal clear sea, but better this then nothing)

Borrowed Kids

I was a babysitter of 3 out of my 4 nieces & nephews today. 

I took for a long walk two girls (aged 7 and 5) and a boy (aged 2 and a half).  

It was lovely having them. I wasn't bribing them with any sweet treats, all we did was going for a long walk. 

We also went to the library. At the library they know me, since I go there so often. The librarian (I don't really know her, I don't even know her name) saw me and said  in surprise: "So you have kids. They are beautiful."

I replied: "No, they are not mine. They are borrowed." 

The best part: I didn't feel bitter after this comment. I felt good after finding a good reply.

*** 

I still regret never being a mother. But also being a very cool auntie is pretty cool.

Fit Granny

There are huge billboards in our town, promoting local Fitness centre. They have many different classes, one is called Fit Granny. And the description on the billboard states: for women over 50. 

How horrible name for a fitness class. It makes me angry whenever I see it.

Hello! Not all women are grandmothers.  Can't you get it?  
(not to mention that I will be 50 within 8 years and I am still coming to terms with the fact that I will never be a mother).

I am so boycotting this fitness centre. 


(my friend's father attends fitness centre and the name of his class is Silver Sneakers. I love this name.)

Focusing the mind on the beautiful things

New Year is an excellent opportunity to send emails with good wishes to kind people that meant something to me in the past, and with whom I lost contact (very often the reason was my infertility, I could not handle being around when all their cute babies were born). 

One of the friends wrote back, writing something nice, I wrote back and we arranged a coffee date for Friday evening.   

This friend is actually my longest friend. We were school friends already in the first grade, when 7 years old. 

I remember meeting her for the first time few years ago, after the darkest years of my infertility. 
She visited me in my home and I was telling her all the sad things regarding my infertility. When she listened to me, she started to cry. And she asked me for tissues.

Then she started to tell me about her life. She was blessed with two beautiful healthy children (then 1 and 2 years old). But then she was recently diagnosed with MS and she was telling me about the disease. Then it was my turn to start crying. I borrowed the tissues from her.

It felt good, crying together.  

This was 5 years ago.

When we were arranging a coffee this time, she asked me if I could come to her apartment to get her, since she has problems walking alone.  Sadly, she has a fast version of MS, she really walks with difficulty, we needed 15 minutes for walking 250 meters from parking to the coffee bar. 

It felt good talking to her. Her disease really made her much wiser as usually people in our age are. 
She was explaining how horrible disease it is. That it occupies her mind all the time. That it is so horrible that she even dreams about it at night. In order to survive she needed to train her thoughts to focus on the beautiful things that she does have in her life. 

I loved this wisdom, about focusing the mind on the beautiful things. 
(this wisdom helped me to survive infertility). 

Childlessness, pain and healing: the early days of life after infertility

thank you Mali, for writing this post:
http://nokiddinginnz.blogspot.com/2015/01/pain-and-healing-early-days.html?showComment=1420965041510#c5472809779748871659

5th of January

I was doing very well during the holidays. I was glad, this means that the darkest years of infertility are already gone.

But then something happened today. I take it as a reminder that I am not OK and that I probably never be OK, at least not completely. 

A colleague at work invited for a short coffee & cake celebration of her birthday. There were 10 of us, only women. As it often happens in gatherings like that, when people do not have much in common, they start to talk about children. Today's topics:

• which fairy tales are good and which not
• detailed description of New Year's celebrations with children
• counting how many of the 10 women has a perfect pair of children (=meaning one daughter and one son).

All I wanted was to scream and leave the horrible torture. 
I didn't leave. Since it would be just to obvious that I left.

Interesting part is how other people don't care. Nobody noticed that I didn't speak even one word. Nobody noticed that my soul was dying.
 

***


One of this year's resolutions is that I will try to focus on the positive things.

So today's positive thing: 
Me and my DH are celebrating today 13 years since our first date. He is the love of my life. I am really happy that we met. I can't imagine my life without him.

Too late for God's miracles

I know a kind older priest who knows a lot about dogs and I phoned him today for an information regarding canine word. 

At the end of the conversation regarding dogs he asked if we have any children now. 
I responded:  "We don't since the God didn't give us any."
(BTW: what a cool answer it is, I was quite proud by responding this way and not feeling any sadness). 

The priest said: "Don't worry, God will give you children." 
And I responded: "No, it is too late for us. We tried for many years and it didn't work out."
The priest: "God's miracles are everywhere, miracle will happen when you least expect."
Me:   "No, you can not say this to me. I am too old. Do you know that my next big round birthday will be already 50? It is way too late for God to help with any miracles."

So the priest started to apologize, he said I looked way younger.  


Yes, I am way too old for a baby. 
But I am exactly in the perfect age to find myself a perfect puppy.

Life is beautiful when you have something to look forward to.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year to you, my bloggie friend!

I used to love to include in my New Year wishes a sentence that a new year should fulfill all the wishes.

I don't write that to anybody anymore. Since life taught me that not all the wishes are to be fulfilled. I struggled for a long time to accept this life's truth. 

So, I wish you lots of happiness, health, love and peace in your heart.



PS: photo was taken couple of years ago, in Tuscany. I love sunflowers. Italian name: girasole.