Saturday, January 31, 2015

Twinge in my heart

"Among the more marginal news items was the one about how a former bodybuilder from Austria became the governor of California. Nombeko felt a twinge in her heart when she saw a picture of him in the paper, standing there with his wife and four children, smiling into the camera with white teeth. She thought that it must be an unjust world when certain people received an excess of certain things, while others got nothing."
Jonas Jonasson: The girl who saved the king of Sweden


I am just reading the novel 
I like it. It isn't about infertility at all, but the main character hasn't been able to conceive (at least not until 3/4 of the book). But it isn't really an issue, it was just briefly mentioned.

I really liked the quote above, so I thought I would write it down. I love the expression "twinge in my heart". How many times did have I felt it in the last 12 years!

Infertility does have some silver linings. At work one from our team had to go for a whole week this week to Italy, to visit some key clients. 3 of my coworkers couldn't go since:
a) coworker A's child had a flue
b) coworker B's child had a birthday and she didn't want to miss it
c) coworker C didn't have babysitting since her husband was on a business trip too

So I went and it was lovely. I visited plenty of beautiful Italian towns. I ate some delicious Italian dishes. And a extra benefit: for each day when I am abroad I get 44 EUR per day extra paid.  And this time I used this extra money entirely for me. I bought some really lovely clothes on winter sales.

But it is lovely to be back home too.

I should go.... it is picture perfect beautiful today. We have lots of new snow & the sun is shining. It is time for a long morning walk to the library.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

An excellent question

From time to time I exchange emails with a pen-friend from France and earlier this week she asked a question:

"... I  wonder, in being childless not by choice, how much of the pain comes from the lack of children in itself and how much from the society?"

I think this is an excellent question. 

I replied that I would define my pain with a formula: 30 % lack of children, 70 % society. 

I had some days to think about it and the formula  is true for me now. 
But in the very early day of infertility, it would be like 90 % lack of children, 10 % society. 


Enough of thinking. It is now time for one hour of swimming in the Olympic pool with my mum.
(I definitely inherited my love to swim from her)

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Writing My Way to Happiness

I was reading this article today on my train ride back from work:

I really liked it.

I copied one sentence from the the article and changed it a bit. Here is my sentence:

The goal of my writing is to prompt childless women to edit their own narratives about living childless not by choice. Rather than thinking they can not find happiness after infertility, they are encouraged to think that they just need more time to adjust.

I liked these parts of the article:
"...while writing doesn’t solve every problem, it can definitely help people cope. “Writing forces people to reconstrue whatever is troubling them and find new meaning in it.”

“The idea here is getting people to come to terms with who they are, where they want to go.”


I hope this article encourages some new survivor of infertility to start writing her own blog.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Missing Dalmatia

Today I just got this sudden desire that I need my summer dose of swimming in the sea on my favourite Croatian island (photo attached). 

I have just written to the owners of the apartment where we always stay. Hopefully they do have some availability for us.

I love swimming in the sea.

(I am off for a swim in a swimming pool now. It can not be compared to swimming in the crystal clear sea, but better this then nothing)

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Borrowed Kids

I was a babysitter of 3 out of my 4 nieces & nephews today. 

I took for a long walk two girls (aged 7 and 5) and a boy (aged 2 and a half).  

It was lovely having them. I wasn't bribing them with any sweet treats, all we did was going for a long walk. 

We also went to the library. At the library they know me, since I go there so often. The librarian (I don't really know her, I don't even know her name) saw me and said  in surprise: "So you have kids. They are beautiful."

I replied: "No, they are not mine. They are borrowed." 

The best part: I didn't feel bitter after this comment. I felt good after finding a good reply.


I still regret never being a mother. But also being a very cool auntie is pretty cool.

When Does the Pursuit of Pregnancy Go Too Far?

Another great Pamela's article.

Yes, I agree, I also wanted to believe science would deliver me a fairy tale ending.
It does for some.
Not for me.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

This post will be published only for few days

To understand today's story, you have to read this post first:

In the darkest years of my infertility I literally felt that all the bad things happen to me. Nothing really bad happened to me (knocking the woods) ever, except infertility. But infertility is so overwhelming that I really felt so.

I remember when writing this post, more then two years ago, that I really envied my client. I thought her life was picture perfect. It probably was, then.

Today I found out that her husband was murdered 13 days ago.

I am so sorry for her. I am so sorry for the little boy, who will have to grow up without his father.

Bad things happen. It is just the fact of life.

And infertility is really not such a bad thing, compared to tragedies like this.


It is time to get some fresh air, I need my daily walk.

Fit Granny

There are huge billboards in our town, promoting local Fitness centre. They have many different classes, one is called Fit Granny. And the description on the billboard states: for women over 50. 

How horrible name for a fitness class. It makes me angry whenever I see it.

Hello! Not all women are grandmothers.  Can't you get it?  
(not to mention that I will be 50 within 8 years and I am still coming to terms with the fact that I will never be a mother).

I am so boycotting this fitness centre. 

(my friend's father attends fitness centre and the name of his class is Silver Sneakers. I love this name.)

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Focusing the mind on the beautiful things

New Year is an excellent opportunity to send emails with good wishes to kind people that meant something to me in the past, and with whom I lost contact (very often the reason was my infertility, I could not handle being around when all their cute babies were born). 

One of the friends wrote back, writing something nice, I wrote back and we arranged a coffee date for Friday evening.   

This friend is actually my longest friend. We were school friends already in the first grade, when 7 years old. 

I remember meeting her for the first time few years ago, after the darkest years of my infertility. 
She visited me in my home and I was telling her all the sad things regarding my infertility. When she listened to me, she started to cry. And she asked me for tissues.

Then she started to tell me about her life. She was blessed with two beautiful healthy children (then 1 and 2 years old). But then she was recently diagnosed with MS and she was telling me about the disease. Then it was my turn to start crying. I borrowed the tissues from her.

It felt good, crying together.  

This was 5 years ago.

When we were arranging a coffee this time, she asked me if I could come to her apartment to get her, since she has problems walking alone.  Sadly, she has a fast version of MS, she really walks with difficulty, we needed 15 minutes for walking 250 meters from parking to the coffee bar. 

It felt good talking to her. Her disease really made her much wiser as usually people in our age are. 
She was explaining how horrible disease it is. That it occupies her mind all the time. That it is so horrible that she even dreams about it at night. In order to survive she needed to train her thoughts to focus on the beautiful things that she does have in her life. 

I loved this wisdom, about focusing the mind on the beautiful things. 
(this wisdom helped me to survive infertility). 

Childlessness, pain and healing: the early days of life after infertility

thank you Mali, for writing this post:

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Because we are fed up with hairdressers discussing their children

I hope that Nanouille, author of the drawing does not mind publishing it.
The drawing was made by an infertile buddy from France.

Translation of the text:
"Because we are fed up with hairdressers discussing their children."

Cool, isn't it? 

Yes, I feel like a hostage going to the hairdresser. I have to listen to all kiddies stories without possibility of escaping. For a while I changed a hairdresser, I went to a male hairdresser my age. It was nice change, to talk about travelling. But then, one day I came for a hair cut and he was wearing a belt in his jeans, with a huge sign DADDY. He just got a baby boy so he had to explain everything. Needless to say, I never returned.

Nail Salons Proven to be the Pit of Hell For Infertiles

I loved Sarah's story, it made my day:

All the facts in the story are so true. For example:
"Infertility is a disease that affects one in eight people, however, being the shunned minority in this families with kids centric world, its victims report often feeling as though they are one in a million."


Monday, January 5, 2015

5th of January

I was doing very well during the holidays. I was glad, this means that the darkest years of infertility are already gone.

But then something happened today. I take it as a reminder that I am not OK and that I probably never be OK, at least not completely. 

A colleague at work invited for a short coffee & cake celebration of her birthday. There were 10 of us, only women. As it often happens in gatherings like that, when people do not have much in common, they start to talk about children. Today's topics:
  • which fairy tales are good and which not
  • detailed description of New Year's celebrations with children
  • counting how many of the 10 women has a perfect pair of children (=meaning one daughter and one son).
All I wanted was to scream and leave the horrible torture. 
I didn't leave. Since it would be just to obvious that I left.

Interesting part is how other people don't care. Nobody noticed that I didn't speak even one word. Nobody noticed that my soul was dying.


One of this year's resolutions is that I will try to focus on the positive things.

So today's positive thing: 
Me and my DH are celebrating today 13 years since our first date. He is the love of my life. I am really happy that we met. I can't imagine my life without him.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Too late for God's miracles

I know a kind older priest who knows a lot about dogs and I phoned him today for an information regarding canine word. 

At the end of the conversation regarding dogs he asked if we have any children now. 
I responded:  "We don't since the God didn't give us any."
(BTW: what a cool answer it is, I was quite proud by responding this way and not feeling any sadness). 

The priest said: "Don't worry, God will give you children." 
And I responded: "No, it is too late for us. We tried for many years and it didn't work out."
The priest: "God's miracles are everywhere, miracle will happen when you least expect."
Me:   "No, you can not say this to me. I am too old. Do you know that my next big round birthday will be already 50? It is way too late for God to help with any miracles."

So the priest started to apologize, he said I looked way younger.  

Yes, I am way too old for a baby. 
But I am exactly in the perfect age to find myself a perfect puppy.

Life is beautiful when you have something to look forward to.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Happy New Year

Happy New Year to you, my bloggie friend!

I used to love to include in my New Year wishes a sentence that a new year should fulfill all the wishes.

I don't write that to anybody anymore. Since life taught me that not all the wishes are to be fulfilled. I struggled for a long time to accept this life's truth. 

So, I wish you lots of happiness, health, love and peace in your heart.

PS: photo was taken couple of years ago, in Tuscany. I love sunflowers. Italian name: girasole.