Thursday, October 29, 2015

IVF Addiction

I have been so busy at work lately that I didn't have much time to follow anything online. So I read this brilliant post only today:

This is my comment to the post: 

I used to gather all the needles from my second round of IVF. It was a long protocol and I gathered all the needles and took a photo. Then, I was so sure that the IVF will work for us. I wanted to have a photo as a memory to show to my child one day.
I deleted the photo, after the negative result. But the photo is still very vivid in my mind.
Addiction. I couldn’t agree more. This is what I was, addict, in the first decade of my infertility.
I knew IVFs can leave me damage. But still, I just could not stop. I was so depressed that I literally did not care if I die. The word seemed so dark that I did not want to live if being childless.
The state fully paid for 6 rounds of IVF (also for ALL the drugs). But still, I wasn’t offered any counseling that I obviously needed much more.
I paid additional 4 IVFs by myself.
So yes, here I am. Living my life again, after 10 failed IVFs.
Breaking point for me was when I went to Czech Republic for the 10th round of IVF and the drugs caused me horrible side affects. I was so swollen – I gained 5 kilos in few days – it was water, I was all swollen, I had problems breathing and walking. That was the moment when I realized that I do love life. And that I want to LIVE.
That was the time I quit ALL fertility drugs for good.
And then I lived with my DH happily ever after :)

Friday, October 23, 2015

Belissima Italia

Somebody googled tonight "Is it OK if I am different" and found my blog.
How cool is that?  Probably the person wasn't looking for life after infertility, but still.

I am doing great lately. I am very busy, in the last 10 days I was twice in Italy on a business trip, each time for 3 days. I am too busy to even think about being sad about childlessness*.

I kept hearing this song on all Italian radio stations:

So I wanted to share some Italian music with you.

Driving through Slovenian alpine region to Italy: 

.... reaching Italian seaside:

*The only times that my infertility hurts is when interacting with colleagues or business partners. How I envy them. Most of them are my age. All of them have children. How easy is for them to find a common language. Even if they don't have much in common, there is always a sentence "So how are your kids doing?". And endless conversation can begin....  I was glad when the dinner was over, so I could go for a long walk along the beach.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

15th October

Infertility took a lot from me.

But on the other hand, it gave me so much. So many exciting, wonderful memories that will stay for me forever.

Exactly one year ago we landed at San Francisco airport for our 3-week-travelling around California & Nevada. Happy times.

Dear P&A: we are looking forward to many more travelling together in the next decades!

Tuesday, October 13, 2015


"If you can't fight, and you can't flee, then flow." 

 I love exchanging emails with my bloggie friends. This is the sentence that I read for the first time recently and it stuck in my mind. This is what I have been doing recently. Flowing.

Monday, October 5, 2015

Year of the Rooster

I have just finished reading an excellent book written by Czech author, Tereza Bou─Źkova, Year of the Rooster / original title: Rok kohouta:

It hasn't been translated to English yet, but it was translated in many European languages.

I applaud the author for the courage. Because, she wrote about the theme that it is a tabu in our society. Adoption story that did not went well. It is an autobiographic story.

She and her husband couldn't have children, so they adopted two Romany babies, two boys. They gave them all the love possible and offered best education possible. But still, when the boys were still teenagers, they went to the living that is written in their genes. Living somewhere without official address, without documents, without jobs, providing for themselves with small criminal.

I know there are many many adoptions with happy ending.

But deep in my soul I know that if we adopted, our adoption story would be the same as described in the novel. 

It doesn't really matter actually what we think about adoption any more. My husband will be soon 50 and I will be within few years... We are way too old for adopting now anyway.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Good news II

My gyn has just made another ultrasound.
The cyst has gone, completely.
I am really happy.

(Now all I have to do is to put under control the reflux that has been bothering me for the last three months and then I have no further wishes).

PS:  This year I had 40 sunflowers on my garden, they were beautiful. The photo was taken a month ago.