Monday, May 25, 2015

Which wolf will win?

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."


I got this story from a dear bloggie friend this morning.
The story is precious.
But even more precious is her email comment:
"Somehow this made me think of you (although I am usually not a big fan of so-called cherokee probably made-up wisdom), because you have been really good about feeding good wolves of all kind."

My dear bloggie friend - thank you - you made my day. 

How lovely. Now also you have children.

I was a baby sitter on Sunday morning for almost two hours. I took for a walk my cousin's  3-year-old son. It was lovely. I took him to a beautiful bridge that he had never seen before.  

When walking across town center, I met my schoolfriend from Italian classes. We visited the same classes for few years, almost a decade ago. I hadn't met her for some years. 

When we met (she was with her husband and three kids) she said: "How lovely. Now also you have children." 
(btw: it is just silly to assume that if a woman is walking with ONE child, that there are some additional children somewhere else).

I wasn't surprised. I wasn't hurt. I just said: "No, I don't have children. Sometimes I just borrow one or two." 

She looked puzzled. So I just explained who the beautiful little boy was and nothing else.

It is really none of her business, finding  about my blocked tubes / lousy ovaries / broken uterus / broken-but-now-healed heart. 


I guess I really came to the point in my life where I cherish the things that I do have in my life. 
Regreting the things that I don't really doesn't make sense.

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Yes, I am different and it is OK

I was home alone yesterday evening and I was enjoying my evening a lot - I was watching Eurovision 2015 song contest. I have loved this contest since I was a little girl.

There were lots of songs I liked. My top favourite was Italian - Grande Amore (Great love).


And I really liked also the Serbian song, especially lyrics, since I found them very meaningful for me:

"Finally I can say:
yes, I am different 
and it's OK. 
Here I am."

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Wolfie & my aunt

I am having some tough time with Wolfie. I knew in advance there would be days when I would regret taking him home (it was the same when my beloved Wolf was a puppy). I know it will get better and that he will become a great dog. But now it is just hard dealing with land shark.

(just a note: when you watch Dog Whisperer everything seems so easy. But I am not a dominant type, neither is my DH, so nothing is easy).

But then, there are some moments when Wolfie just melts my heart. See the photo. We visited my mum's childless 83-year-old aunt and Wolfie was just perfect with her. He stayed close to her and enjoyed being cuddled. And the aunt had some wonderful moments. Just priceless.

(this made me think - who will visit me - when I am old and helpless? I hope there will be some kind young soul that will bring me a puppy to cuddle).

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Where is Klara from?

I just love the new promotion video of my country.

Two random facts: 
  • 60 % of my country is covered with forest
  • my country is the only country in the world that in its English version of its name includes the word LOVE

Friday, May 15, 2015

Amiga del alma / soul mate

I didn't even not know this music until yesterday and now I just can't stop listening to it. 

A good colleague of mine lost her best friend yesterday. This song was her best friend's favourite. I did not know her, but I was following her battle with cancer. I am so sorry that she lost.

I am just sad. Sad for my dear colleague. Sad for her friend. And sad for her friend's little pre-school daughter who will have to grow up without her mom.  


Tragedies like this make me think of my Maria. I miss her. Can't believe she has been gone for already 6 years.  I started re-reading the story about Maria written by her husband. Whenever I come to the sentence:   "... a visitarla  su amiga del alma de Eslovenia, Klara. "

I realize how fortunate I was, that a person as wonderful as Maria considered me "amiga del alma" / a soul mate.

This is the true beauty of living: connecting with others and finding soul mates.

Accepter ce que l’on ne peut pas changer…

There are some wonderful blogs about life after infertility, but I don't know enough languages to follow them completely.

I do understand some basic French, so this post I was able to understand:

I love how the line from the Serenity prayer sounds in French:
Accepter ce que l’on ne peut pas changer…
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...

I left a comment on Aremise's post and her reply made my day:

Thanks Klara for your message, it’s really helpful to see how you reinvent your life and find happiness after infertility. Take care


If you're not a mother, you know nothing?

I read Loribeth's review of Pamela latest book yesterday:

And this part of Loribeth's review just stuck in my mind since it so very true:
"the weirdness of being a childless woman in a culture where, "if you're not a mother, you don’t rate... For the benefit of all in our society, we need to rethink how we value and characterize the contributions of those who are not parents." "

It made me remember how many times I have been excluded from conversations  just because my opinion does not count since I am not a mother. Obviously nobody  would tell me this directly, but I just feel it. 

So it is really lovely that there are two women who are mothers and really appreciate my knowledge how to motivate and teach their kids.

I got a lovely SMS few days ago from Daisy's mother, saying "I am so grateful for finding you as my daughter's additional English teacher. She is enjoying learning something, for the first time in her life. When do you have time for her again?"

And then there is another woman who is a mother. I got her desperate phone call a month ago, saying that her 15-year-old son has a negative mark in English and has to get a positive mark in order to finish primary school. She added that she had to tell me that in advance that her son obeyed no authority, was very stubborn and rebellious. I answered that I did have experience also in that kind of kids since teaching in 10 years 45 kids.

And the boy was exactly what the mother told me. I used my calm assertive energy and at the end he did everything that I wanted him to do. We had only a week to practice and he did well - he passed the test with positive mark. After every hour of teaching I spent some time with his mother (more or less my age). And it was lovely to see that she was seeking my advice. She really admired me, how well (determined but gentle) I handled her rebellious teen.  She was always in another room, listening what we were doing. I actually like when parents are around. So I can give them assignments too (her assignments was to train her son to memorize all irregular verbs since I lacked time for doing it).  Boy's family is hiring me for whole summer (one hour per week) to improve boy's English before he enters secondary school.

And my coworkers / colleagues / friends think I know nothing about the kids? 

Thursday, May 14, 2015

La vita è bella

I just returned from a short business trip to Italy.
I took a photo of my delicious dinner. It was nice, dinning alone, after talking all day.
This was again one of those business trips that also my other coworkers could cover. But they are not motivated to go since they prefer to stay at home with kids.

Silver linings of infertility :)

Monday, May 11, 2015

Avoiding humiliation

My period came, with almost 3-weeks  delay. I was relieved. Also because my DH encouraged me to buy pregnancy test (just to make sure I was not pregnant). And I told him that for me, buying pregnancy test at 42 just seems like a final humiliation. I have seen enough of the negative tests for one life. I don't want to be reminded of those days. 

I realized something. As much as I wished to have a child, I wouldn't really like to be 50 (and my husband 55) when our child enters primary school.  

I still regret not having an 11-year-old (Daisy's age) or 7-year-old (my oldest niece's age) child now. But it is way too late to have  an infant now. 

Friday, May 8, 2015

Entering menopause?

I have always known that I will get to the menopause early, since my mom entered it when 42. But still, when it happens, it just sucks. I have been mildly depressed for the last ten days.

My period was never late. Not even one single time in 29 years, until last month, when was 7 days late. And this month it is already 14 days late. Perhaps gone, for good.

I started to read some articles to learn something new about the theme, but I just can't. Whenever I start reading, the entrance sentences include something like this "the fertile years are now over". This makes me to want to scream - which fertile years??? And I just stop reading.

I feel vulnerable. And old. Aging just sucks. 
(and then I think of my beloved friend Maria, who died when 37. She would give anything to get old. And so would her mom and husband. I miss her.)