Monday, May 25, 2015

How lovely. Now also you have children.

I was a baby sitter on Sunday morning for almost two hours. I took for a walk my cousin's  3-year-old son. It was lovely. I took him to a beautiful bridge that he had never seen before.  

When walking across town center, I met my schoolfriend from Italian classes. We visited the same classes for few years, almost a decade ago. I hadn't met her for some years. 

When we met (she was with her husband and three kids) she said: "How lovely. Now also you have children." 
(btw: it is just silly to assume that if a woman is walking with ONE child, that there are some additional children somewhere else).

I wasn't surprised. I wasn't hurt. I just said: "No, I don't have children. Sometimes I just borrow one or two." 

She looked puzzled. So I just explained who the beautiful little boy was and nothing else.

It is really none of her business, finding  about my blocked tubes / lousy ovaries / broken uterus / broken-but-now-healed heart. 


I guess I really came to the point in my life where I cherish the things that I do have in my life. 
Regreting the things that I don't really doesn't make sense.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Wolfie & my aunt

I am having some tough time with Wolfie. I knew in advance there would be days when I would regret taking him home (it was the same when my beloved Wolf was a puppy). I know it will get better and that he will become a great dog. But now it is just hard dealing with land shark.

(just a note: when you watch Dog Whisperer everything seems so easy. But I am not a dominant type, neither is my DH, so nothing is easy).

But then, there are some moments when Wolfie just melts my heart. See the photo. We visited my mum's childless 83-year-old aunt and Wolfie was just perfect with her. He stayed close to her and enjoyed being cuddled. And the aunt had some wonderful moments. Just priceless.

(this made me think - who will visit me - when I am old and helpless? I hope there will be some kind young soul that will bring me a puppy to cuddle).

Friday, May 15, 2015

If you're not a mother, you know nothing?

I read Loribeth's review of Pamela latest book yesterday:

And this part of Loribeth's review just stuck in my mind since it so very true:
"the weirdness of being a childless woman in a culture where, "if you're not a mother, you don’t rate... For the benefit of all in our society, we need to rethink how we value and characterize the contributions of those who are not parents." "

It made me remember how many times I have been excluded from conversations  just because my opinion does not count since I am not a mother. Obviously nobody  would tell me this directly, but I just feel it. 

So it is really lovely that there are two women who are mothers and really appreciate my knowledge how to motivate and teach their kids.

I got a lovely SMS few days ago from Daisy's mother, saying "I am so grateful for finding you as my daughter's additional English teacher. She is enjoying learning something, for the first time in her life. When do you have time for her again?"

And then there is another woman who is a mother. I got her desperate phone call a month ago, saying that her 15-year-old son has a negative mark in English and has to get a positive mark in order to finish primary school. She added that she had to tell me that in advance that her son obeyed no authority, was very stubborn and rebellious. I answered that I did have experience also in that kind of kids since teaching in 10 years 45 kids.

And the boy was exactly what the mother told me. I used my calm assertive energy and at the end he did everything that I wanted him to do. We had only a week to practice and he did well - he passed the test with positive mark. After every hour of teaching I spent some time with his mother (more or less my age). And it was lovely to see that she was seeking my advice. She really admired me, how well (determined but gentle) I handled her rebellious teen.  She was always in another room, listening what we were doing. I actually like when parents are around. So I can give them assignments too (her assignments was to train her son to memorize all irregular verbs since I lacked time for doing it).  Boy's family is hiring me for whole summer (one hour per week) to improve boy's English before he enters secondary school.

And my coworkers / colleagues / friends think I know nothing about the kids? 

Thursday, May 14, 2015

La vita è bella

I just returned from a short business trip to Italy.
I took a photo of my delicious dinner. It was nice, dinning alone, after talking all day.
This was again one of those business trips that also my other coworkers could cover. But they are not motivated to go since they prefer to stay at home with kids.

Silver linings of infertility :)

Friday, May 8, 2015

Entering menopause?

I have always known that I will get to the menopause early, since my mom entered it when 42. But still, when it happens, it just sucks. I have been mildly depressed for the last ten days.

My period was never late. Not even one single time in 29 years, until last month, when was 7 days late. And this month it is already 14 days late. Perhaps gone, for good.

I started to read some articles to learn something new about the theme, but I just can't. Whenever I start reading, the entrance sentences include something like this "the fertile years are now over". This makes me to want to scream - which fertile years??? And I just stop reading.

I feel vulnerable. And old. Aging just sucks. 
(and then I think of my beloved friend Maria, who died when 37. She would give anything to get old. And so would her mom and husband. I miss her.)

Thursday, May 7, 2015

In God we trust

I love leaving small influences in other people's children. The list is already long, only two cute stories from this week.

I was teaching Daisy when she noticed some American coins on our shelves. I took 1 cent and gave it to her, as a fortune bringer. She was admiring the coin. I will be forever the first person who explained what "In God we trust" written on the coin means. And I will be the first who taught her where on the map the USA is.

My best friend's children did a lot of fun things during the spring holidays. They went to the seaside to Croatia for some days / went to the cinema / went swimming to aqua park / visited lots of friends who have children. After coming back to school her son (aged 9) had to write a homework what he did during holidays. The title of his homework was: "The day that I met Wolfie". And all the text was just about meeting my puppy! And when writing he asked his mom: "What is Klara to me? Is she my aunt?"

How sweet is that?

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Healing the pain of childlessness

Somebody was searching on google: "healing the pain of childlessness" and found my blog.
How cool is that?

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

My Wolfie

I have an extremely cute reason why I haven't been blogging lately. Photos attached :) 

We were owning a lovely puppy for two days. 
On the third day our lovely puppy turned into a land shark. 

Luckily he has met most of the children that are part of my life within the first two days. Children just love him, especially my older niece (aged almost 8).  

One of her questions was: "How long will he live with you?"
I replied : "We hope we will have him for at least ten years." 
She asked: "And then?"
I replied: "Then he will die. He will join our beloved Wolf." 
She was horrified: "But ten years is so little time!". 

I couldn't agree more with her.   

I have heard some silly comments lately (but not addressed directly to me), that childless people are compensating lack of children with pets. That pets are substitutes for children.  

This assumption is just stupid.   Since I know already now that when I am in my early fifties, there will be no Wolfie. 

With my beloved Wolf I learned how short and precious life is. You just have to enjoy life, day by day, to the fullest you can.  

I am looking forward to the time that Wolfie grows and will be strong enough for all the long walks.