Auntie time

I had a lovely time yesterday evening, I took my little nephew (aged 4) and niece (aged 5) to the capital, to see the carnival for kids. There were many magical creatures (polar bears, elves, reindeers ...) who were giving out free candies and it was the best thing possible :)

And Dedek Mraz / Ded Moroz in Russia / is Slavic version of Santa Claus / passed by in a carriage with two beautiful white horses and waved to them. That was awesome as well!

The train ride: was great.

I like to be an auntie who doesn't buy material gifts* but instead gives wonderful little adventures.  Since I have seen way to often adults who have "good" relationships with their own childless aunts only because of material benefits. Sadly, also in my own family. 
*the only exception to the rule = books

Ljubljana is just breathtaking beautiful in December. Here is video:
https://vimeo.com/194697349

Today's plan: I am taking the older girls (aged 7 and 9) ice skating this morning.  I am looking forward to it already!

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The best part of yesterday:  I didn't feel any sadness at all. I guess I have already learnt (and it took me a whole decade!) that I have to cherish the life that I have, not to mourn the life that just wasn't meant to be mine.

***
This December I talked to couple of friends who have both young children of their own and young nieces and nephews. I asked them if they can compare love that they feel to their own children to love that they feel to their nieces/nephews. The answers were different, but they ranged from:
"I love my children twice as much as my nieces/nephews" to  "I love my children hundred times more"

I guess that's why childless aunts are special (if the children parents allow this, but this is another topic). And I guess that's why I was never anything special for my own two aunts who have children of their own.

Forgiving / Forgetting

I have had a lovely December so far. I had many cosy and nice tea & cake dates with several of my girlfriends. 

But some dates just left me feeling empty.

I have forgiven all my friends who abandoned me during the dark years of my infertility.
But forgiving and forgetting are two different things.
I can't forget how cruelly I was abandoned  by some and I don't really want to forget.  

In my country there is a proverb that says "Only donkey goes twice on ice." 

So I guess I will be more careful with whom I will go out in 2017.
 

Because she doesn't have kids?

I have been pretty busy at work all December, but I don't mind. Especially since this is my best December after the beginning of my infertility. Which means this is the best December in the last 12 years. I almost didn't feel any sadness at all.

I had lovely evening teaching German - not only the kid I usually teach, but also his little brother, for the very first time.

Before going home I chatted a bit with boys' mother. I commented very silly teaching methods of the little boy's teacher and boys' mother said: "Well, this is just because she doesn't have kids of her own so she knows nothing about teaching."

I couldn't be quiet. In the last few years I refuse to be quiet.

I said: "I also don't have kids and I know a lot about teaching kids. It is just because this teacher is so young and she doesn't have the experiences."

I won the conversation. Since that mother really knows I am good with her kids, despite being childless.
(what she doesn't know is that I am so good at teaching her kids because I don't have kids - I have time and energy and creativity to think about the methods that will help her kids the most).

After Christmas thoughts

I am never lonely for Christmas. I always spend it with my husband, we go for a long walk with beloved Wolfie and we are invited to my parents, to eat my mom's delicious traditional sweet pastry.

I feel that I do belong somewhere, that I do belong to one family.

Hopefully this will not happen for many decades, but when my parents are gone, where will I belong? There will be only two of us, me and my husband.