Memories

I have never told you what my top favourite song is. I am attaching it. I am listening it right now & enjoying it....

It is exactly 1 year since our last - 10th -  IVF attempt  failed. I was heartbroken, because I was so sure everything would finally work out (since we were using donor eggs). For the first time I had lots of symptoms that made me believe that I was pregnant. I wasn't. The only eason for all symptoms were only strong drugs. We were sure that pregnancy test will show magic plus. And we just couldn't believe our eyes that there was just a big fat minus. Again.

There just aren't right words to describe how sad I was.

I am happy to see what a long way did I come in the last 365 days. I am proud of myself.

You is kind. You is smart. You is important.

I got a book The Help for a New Year present from Mattie couple of years ago and I just loved it. Then - as soon as the movie came to our country last winter, I watched it with her. Also loved it. And then yesterday I watched it on DVD with my husband. It was really nice to watch it again.

The most of all I like Aibileen's sentence: "You is kind. You is smart. You is important." I will start my day with having this in mind :)

Guilt

Infertility gave me many feelings. So many bad ones. If I had to choose one feeling that hurt me the most, I would choose guilt. Guilt of not being able to give my husband a child.

It took me only few years that I accepted that I was not able to have a child. But it took me almost a decade before I got rid off the guilt.

It seemed so unfair. My husband remained childless only because of loving me. I feared that one day, when he was old & grey, he would regret staying married with me. Obviously I knew that he married me because he loved me. But still.

I tried to have this conversation many times with him, but he refused to hear anything. But then, one day (few years ago) I made him listen what I had to say.

I told him that I loved him more then anything. And that it would break my heart if I knew that one day he regretted the decision to stay with me. Because with this decision he lost opportunity to have children with someone else. And that if he wished to get a divorce, it would break my heart, but I would completely understand it and signed everything.

The moment was so sad, so emotional, so  I do not really remember what he said. I remember just lots of crying & kisses & hugs.

And... we lived happily ever after. Together. Forever.

*****

I still feel good about having that conversation. My guilt dissapeared that day.

Black Swan

The winter is approaching and with it the part of the year where my favourite hobby is watching movies with DH.

Few days ago we watched Black Swan. Beautiful & sad movie!

Adopting? No, thank you (part II)

Few years ago a young woman wrote a book about foster system in our country. She was put in the foster family aged 4 if I remember correctly. She spent more than a decade in foster family and she had many bad experiences.

The book is beautifully written. I was deeply touched when reading a book. There were so many touching moments in the book. For example - her memories about being 8 or 10 years old and begging social workers to put her in adoption. How she wished to be loved.

I told my husband many times, if I met a little girl (even if 10 years old) that was so sweet, I would love to adopt.  

Years passed by and I forgot about that book and the author.

And then - I saw her again two days ago, on national news. She is accused of a criminal act (cheating many parents - she took the money as deposit for daycare that she had no intention to really open). 

***
My conclusion. Blood is not water (proverb in my country). Adopting just carries too many risks that I am not willing to take. Neither is my DH.

I was disappointed in this author. I watched some interviews and I was really impressed with her - the energy that she had. She was so kind and confident. I guess she is just really good in manipulating.

But can you imagine, how disappointed I would be, if my adopted child turned out to be like that?

Spring is far away for us

I guess that the vast majority of my readers has never heard my language. It is spoken only by 2 million people. One of the most romantic things about my language is that it does not have only singular and plural. It has also a dual form!

I am attaching my favourite song. Whenever I hear it, it makes me think of how much I love my husband. And that I really really hope that we will be happily together for many decades.

Here is translation of the song (by me, so it is not that perfect):


SPRING IS FAR AWAY FOR US

We are now old and grey

because of  the heavy burden of years.
We became so vulnerable,
the world became much too fast for us.

Our paths are short,
rarely we go out.
Always together, always alone,
She is all I have.

Far, far away is the spring for us,
the autumn has come.
Long time ago was the time that I told the girl "I love you."
And when I was her boyfriend.

Far, far away for us is the spring
I regret that the youth is gone.
But I would not want to become young and without her,
I prefer to be old and with her.  

We talk about all the memories,
there was so much of everything.

We say: "How everything passes by quickly."
And we feel sorry a bit.

But then we laugh,
happy because we found each other.
How beautiful it is, that we met
and went through the life together.

Clock root out memories,
"Come to bed," she whispers.
She holds my hand and
we rise up slowly.
 

At night she holds me tightly.
I know her every touch.
I banish the bitter thought:
Who of us will be left alone?

Far, far away for us is the spring
the autumn has come.
Long time ago is the time that I told the girl "I love you."
And when I was her boyfriend.

Far, far away for us is the spring
I regret that the youth is gone.
But I would not want to become young again,
I prefer to be old and with her. 

***

And here is the original version:

ADI SMOLAR: DALEČ JE ZA NAJU POMLAD

Danes stara sva in siva,
pozna se težko breme let.
Postala sva tako ranljiva,
mnogo prehiter je za naju svet.

Najine poti so kratke,
le redkokdaj še greva kam.
Vedno skupaj, vedno sama,
ona vse je, kar imam.

Daleč, daleč je za naju pomlad,
leta prinesla so jesen.
Daleč, ko dekletu sem govoril:"Rad te imam."
In ko bil jaz fant sem njen.

Daleč, daleč je za naju pomlad,
mi za mladostjo je hudo.
A ne bi hotel sam postati spet mlad,
raje star sem, star in z njo.

Govoriva si spomine,
mnogo vsega je bilo.
Rečeva: "Kako vse mine."
In malo nama je hudo.

A nato se nasmejiva,
srečna ker sva se našla.
Kako lepo je, da sva se spoznala
in skupaj skozi življenje šla.

Daleč, daleč je za naju pomlad,
leta prinesla so jesen.
Daleč, ko dekletu sem govoril:"Rad te imam."
In ko bil jaz fant sem njen.

Daleč, daleč je za naju pomlad,
mi za mladostjo je hudo.
A ne bi hotel sam postati spet mlad,
raje star sem, star in z njo.

Ura prepodi spomine,
"Greva spat," zašepeta.
Trdno me pod roko prime
in s težavo vstaneva.

Ponoči k meni se privije.
Vsak njen dotik tako poznan
mi prežene grenko misel:
Kdo od naju ostal bo sam.

Daleč, daleč je za naju pomlad,
leta prinesla so jesen.
Daleč, ko dekletu sem govoril:"Rad te imam."
In ko bil jaz fant sem njen.

Daleč, daleč je za naju pomlad,
mi za mladostjo je hudo.
A ne bi hotel sam postati spet mlad,
raje star sem, star in z njo

***

Isn't it a beautiful song?

I hope to feel exactly as this when I am very very old.

Fifty Shades Darker

No time to write.
I am reading :)

How old are your children?

I was left without my usual lunch buddies today, so I went to self service  restaurant alone. There I met two colleagues so I joined them. We have been working for the same company together for five years, but we do not know each other well since they work in another department.

Anyway, we were chatting a bit. They are both my age. Both married. Both have two children. When the kid topic began I just ate lunch quietly and wished I had my usual lunch buddies (from my department) with me.

And suddenly one of them asked me: "And how old are your children?"

I was in total shock.

So far I learnt to deal with a question "Do you have children?". It is simple. In most cases I just say "No." Simple as that. And do not comment any further.

But on today's question it was not possible to answer only with "No.".

Black sheep

I found a wonderful support group online when going through infertility treatments. I am really grateful for those girls. I do not know how I would survive the darkest days of my infertility.

I just got an invitation for a dinner from one of those girls, inviting 5 of us. I don't want to go. The last time that I went, one year ago, was horrible. I just sat there and almost did not say a word. I guess you have guessed why.

I am the only non-mom there. Two of my friends adopted from Russia. Two of them gave birth. So, the only topic (and I literally mean the only one) threre are babies.

I think I have a beautiful life.  But for my IVF buddies I am the ultimate failure.

Today they exchanged tons of emails (I just received all of them, haven't responded yet). They were fixing the exact date of our (=their) dinner. And there were tons of comments - for example - "Oh, no, Saturday is not a good day, Daddy has to go....".

Oh my God. Can you imagine. And we all know what is her husband's name. No need to call him Daddy. At least not in emails that are sent to me as well.

Resolution: I am so not going. Prefer to stay at home and read a book.

Observation:  friends that got children after infertility are often the most insensitive ones.

I am really happy to have my Mattie... have to go now... we have an evening date (=quick walk, now she is free since the little ones are already sleeping).

Baby in our bed

Old proverb in our country says that there is a first time for everything.***

 

My sister visited me in the morning, together with her 3-year-daughter and a few months old son. It was lovely to see them again. I like spending time with them. (Although it was quite hard - see her breastfeeding. This is an issue for another time.)

After a while the little one got sleepy so she asked me if she may put him in our bed. I said OK.

It was bitter-sweet to see a sleeping baby in our bed. It was the first baby who slept in our bed. 


***The proverbs are sometimes wrong. There will be no first time of putting OUR baby in our bed for the first time.

Tattoos

Some days ago I was chatting to a woman I know through work. She is around 30 and planning to have a baby in the near future.

I was commenting her tattoo. Not that I would ever have a tattoo myself. But I liked hers.

She said that she would have further two tattoos in the following years: two tattoos with a name for each child she is planning to have. I joked and said that she has to have then a tattoo with the name of her husband as well. 

She responded that with men you never know, how long it was going to last so she would never have a tattoo with husband's name. And when you have a child, you have him for good.

I couldn't keep quiet and I disagreed. I commented that you have a child for 20 years or so. But then there is no guarantee that you really have him / her still in your life. 

***
My mother - for example - she really has my dad. He has been with her every day for the last 42 years. But - does she really have me? I love her (well, both of them). But for me, it is quite enough if I see them once a month. So - does my mother really have me?

***
Since not having children I really focused all my love towards my husband. I really really feel he is the love of my life. And yes - if I had a tattoo - I would love to put his name somewhere on me. To be always close to me. For good.

Fifty Shades of Grey

There are two reasons I haven't written anything for 5 days. I was very busy:

1. being on a business trip for 5 days. It was quite demanding - first renting a new car, then driving for 500 kilometers and then working there, in big caotic city. But I had nice moments... it is always nice to visit a new city.  I will tell you more about destination in a separate post, when I download the pictures.

2. reading Fifty Shades of Grey. First of all I didn't want to read it at all since the reviews are quite bad. But since my best friend read it and knowing that publishers of this book broke many records, I wanted to read it as well. And - I love it!!! Well, I read only 200 pages so far (I guess the nastier stuff comes after the page 200), but so far I just loved it . Can't wait until my DH comes home :) 

(PS: it is actually too personal ... so just a short comment that it really sucks how infertility affects sex life. Luckily, the black years are alredy behind us!)

Drugs? No, thank you!

I am learning all the time. Last time that I went to my gynecologist, I really felt bad, while waiting with all pregnant ladies. So for today's appointment (Pap cervical smear) I wanted to be the first patient, early in the morning. It was lovely to come to completely empty waiting room :)

We talked a bit. So I explained about my ten (!) IVFs. And how demanding the last cycle, using donor egg, was. And that we gave up and are just trying to enjoy our childfree life, as it is. My conclusion was that despite all efforts, medicine can not help always. And my gynecologist agreed.

She noticed the remark on my chart that I have regular periods, every 24 days. Lots of doctor knew that, but nobody paid any attention to it so far. My gynecologist said that we could put my periods in order. And I just asked, if she meant taking some drugs. Obviously that was the intention.

I just started to laugh and explained that I have taken enough drugs till the end of my life.

So...  my period & I will live happily ever after, every 24 days. Till it disappears... for good.

***
I feel good. Having a power to say No, thank you, to drugs.

19.213 kids

Yesterday was a tough day. It was the first day of a new school year. So the only topic everywhere, including all media, was school children.

There are 19.213 kids in the first grade in my country (total population: 2 million). If everything went well with my 1st IVF, our child would be born in 2006. Which means I would be a mother to a first grader this year. But I am not. I will never be. So school related topics are hard for me.

***
(since I have blocked tubes, our only possibility was IVF, but it did not work out. Our first dream was to get pregnant on our honey moon. It would be lovely to bring a baby back from New York / Niagara falls / Jasper National Park / Vancouver / San Francisco / Washington.  If that dream came true, our child would be already in 3rd grade).


***

Time to stop dreaming & to go to work! 

OUR children

I spent the years from 2009 - 2011 in deciding whether to go for an egg donation or not. At the end I decided that I would love the baby more then anything, even if he/she didn't have my genes.

So - exactly one year ago we drove to Czech Republic, to a clinic for an egg donation. We liked the clinic that we chose.  Everything went smoothly, we were thrilled to get two super good embryos. It is just that my body rejected them... 

I am not sad any more. It is just a part of my infertility journey that I had to walk before I could accept my childfree life for good.

Whenever I thought in the last year about our children, I always thought of the last two embryos. That had my husband's genes & genes of 20-something Czech girl. Not mine.

***
Few days ago me and my DH commented how unfocused, unorganized, without a goal some teenagers are. And that our children would be different since I would be their mother. I just commented that he could never be sure since our children wouldn't have my genes.

 DH said, that he never ever thinks about a child from an egg donation. That for him, when he thinks about our children, he thinks only about the children that would be really ours.

With that sentence my darling husband gave me a dream of our children back. Our children, that will stay for good only in our dreams...

***
It is a rainy, cold Saturday morning. I will go for a long walk through the forest with my beloved Wolf, who is already anxiously waiting for me.