Saturday, September 1, 2012

OUR children

I spent the years from 2009 - 2011 in deciding whether to go for an egg donation or not. At the end I decided that I would love the baby more then anything, even if he/she didn't have my genes.

So - exactly one year ago we drove to Czech Republic, to a clinic for an egg donation. We liked the clinic that we chose.  Everything went smoothly, we were thrilled to get two super good embryos. It is just that my body rejected them... 

I am not sad any more. It is just a part of my infertility journey that I had to walk before I could accept my childfree life for good.

Whenever I thought in the last year about our children, I always thought of the last two embryos. That had my husband's genes & genes of 20-something Czech girl. Not mine.

Few days ago me and my DH commented how unfocused, unorganized, without a goal some teenagers are. And that our children would be different since I would be their mother. I just commented that he could never be sure since our children wouldn't have my genes.

 DH said, that he never ever thinks about a child from an egg donation. That for him, when he thinks about our children, he thinks only about the children that would be really ours.

With that sentence my darling husband gave me a dream of our children back. Our children, that will stay for good only in our dreams...

It is a rainy, cold Saturday morning. I will go for a long walk through the forest with my beloved Wolf, who is already anxiously waiting for me.  


  1. (((HUGS)))

    I usually dare not think of this anymore for fear of a "complete meltdown", but I suppose there're some sweet aspects of the bittersweetness of the dream of our children...I'm sighing right now, allowing myself for a little while to relish in the thought of our children (that are giggling in delight right at this moment while playing outside in the sun with us). THANKS for this post, for allowing me to have these moments...:-)

    P.S. It's also rainy and cold here (10'C) and soon we'll have fun at MIL's, playing cards and eating her food he he...Can't wait! :-D

  2. As your wolf waits for Andra and Rowan are as well waiting for me. Lets go for a WALK they say!


  3. dear Amel & KT,
    thank you for the hugs!

    I feel a bit better. Walking the dog in the nature definetely helps! We walked aprox. 10 kilometers today.

    All together we had more then 10 embryos. But only once, 3 years ago, I got a photo of our two embryos, before they put them in my womb. I put the photo in the dark corner of a box, I never looked at it since. But I could never throw the photo away, it is the closest that we will ever come to a baby photo.

    If you are reading my blog often you know, that this is something I usally do not think about. I put that in the past and left behind. It was just that I got a phone call from one of my IVF-buddies (we had almost all IVFs at the same time) and she is again on the drugs, so talking to her brought some memories back...

    1. Yeah, I guess there are also some moments that just bring the dream back up...I understand the feeling of not wanting to throw the photo away. :-) Glad to know you're feeling a bit better. :-)

      I feel better too, now that I know my period has started. No more PMS before I meet my friends. YAY! :-D

  4. This ...

    "That for him, when he thinks about our children, he thinks only about the children that would be really ours.

    With that sentence my darling husband gave me a dream of our children back. Our children, that will stay for good only in our dreams..."

    was lovely.

  5. My body rejected perfect donor embryos as well, three times :( The last and final cycle was only about a month ago so it still hurts to think about it but I comfort myself with the thought that maybe the embies didn't take for a reason. I think it would be hard for me to raise a child that would have not a single drop of Slavic blood in him/her, and I don't mean looks here but a personality.

    My husband is like yours, he was never fixated on the donor part but I was. I threw away all the embie pictures...

    1. dear Obie,
      I never reread old posts unless somebody comments them. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
      Yes, a month ago is really not far away.
      I promise, it gets easier with each month.

  6. Thank you, Klara! I know it will get easier but it will require some inner work on my part... I don't want to be stuck in depression.

    Please don't feel obligated to reply or to reread your posts. I am so new to blogs and I am so used to message boards/interest forums where one can revive old topics anytime that I just can't help myself sometimes. I will adjust to the new blog environment soon!