Friday, April 27, 2018

Looking forward to a fresh start

I have just celebrated 20 years since I got my first job. In 20 years I haven't been unemployed not even for one single day. Which means that except for 20 days of holiday that I get each year that I have been working constantly for 20 years.

Almost all my coworkers have 2 children which means that they all had two breaks of one year when they completely changed their daily routine. There hasn't been any change for me.

I am dreaming of doing something else. Like taking a sabbatical year (very uncommon here). Or just quitting.  But what I am truly afraid is that when I would start looking again after a year, nobody will want to hire a woman who is approaching her 50th birthday.

Not that now is a good time to quit the job... we urgently need all money possible to finish building of our house.

But it is still lovely to dream.

In order to finish the house we have to sell our apartment. There were very first visitors yesterday. A young couple in early thirties, they are expecting a first child. She loved the apartment, but I guess they will buy the apartment is some cheaper part of the country. She walked around the flat, focusing on the room that was in the long past a room for a child, for the last 15 years has been used only as a clutter room.

I wasn't sad watching that young woman. It is a lovely apartment with perfect location for a young family. Perhaps it is time that there is  children's laughter again.

It will be - at least for me - hard to leave this flat. I know that those walls heard lots of my tears, but looking back, what really stayed in my heart are our happy memories. And there were so many of them!

Deep in my heart I know it is time for us for a fresh start. We are both looking forward to it!

Friday, April 20, 2018

Licence for giving birth

I went for lunch with my coworkers. We were entering the small elevator, there were six of us,  when one made a joke and said: "The elevator is for seven so if only one of us in pregnant, it is OK. If there are more pregnant, there are too many of us." 

One of them (mother of two) said: "I am not pregnant, I have already returned my licence for giving births." One (very young one) said: "I am not pregnant, I haven't got the licence yet."

They all laughed, they thought it was a brilliant joke. Nobody seemed to notice that I remained silent.  

What should I add?  That when I was in the right time for giving birth the licence was rejected?

In moments like that I realize how I don't fit in and I never will. I truly think that even when I am 80, I will not find jokes like that funny.

Monday, April 16, 2018

Nothing is permanent

I love this quote! It reminds me that my sorrow and pain caused by infertility aren't permanent. One day I will be gone and so will they.

I have to live the life that I have. Not long for the life that wasn't meant to be mine.

Sunday, April 15, 2018


I have read a very good article recently on NY Times:

that explains maternal grandparent advantage. When reading this article I realized that it confirms what I have always known - there is also a maternal aunt advantage.

I have two nieces and I always try to get permission from their parents (which in reality means permission of my sister-in-law) to do some fun stuff together. And 4 times out of 5 my request is denied - for whatever lame excuse. It is such a pity - because the girls love me. And I love them.

The truth is that I was humiliated many times. If it wasn't for the girls, I would just give up.

But I don't want them growing up thinking that I don't love them. Because that is what they would think - because they would know that I am always taking only my cousin's kids for fun activities.

The older niece is almost a teenager, so currently I am not very interesting for her. But the little one, aged six, is in the best age for cuddling with her aunt. Whenever she sees me she jumps into my lap and cuddles like no other ever cuddled with me. She is so sweet.

And then there are my cousin's kids (this is my cousin with whom we lived all our childhood together in one house so she feels like my sister). There I have a maternal aunt advantage.

My cousin was checking the contacts that her almost 9-year-old daughter has in her mobile when she saw how the little one saved my number: NaughtyAuntKlara. 

My cousin asked her daughter whether Klara is her aunt and the little one confirmed.  So sweet!

I know that when the kids come into teenage years I will loose them, most probably for good. I decided not to worry about that loss now. I will only enjoy in the moments that I have with them now. It is lovely to be a part of their childhood.

Friday, April 13, 2018


I have just read this book, it is lovely.

“The best way to measure how much you've grown isn't by inches or the number of laps you can now run around the track, or even your grade point average-- though those things are important, to be sure. It's what you've done with your time, how you've chosen to spend your days, and whom you've touched this year. That, to me, is the greatest measure of success.”
R.J. Palacio, Wonder

Wednesday, April 11, 2018

Being fed up with being quiet

I have a coworker (a mother of two young boys) that really is one of the kindest people I know. But she is so focused on being a mum that she unintentionally hurts me many times. 

She was checking one client's application form with demographic data when she noticed that they have three children. She commented: "When seeing parents with three children I always wonder how do they handle everything. Parenting three children must me awfully lot of work."

I am always quiet. But somehow I was so fed up being quiet so I said: "When seeing parents with three children I always wonder if they know how incredibly lucky they are."


We have our very first guests confirmed for a visit in our new home. A dear bloggie-pen-friend of mine is coming from Netherlands, together with her husband and their little girl.  It feels therapeutic, being able to host a family with young child.  I can't imagine doing that five years ago.

Via my blog I have already met one little girl from France that I immediately loved (and also her mother).

It is a liberating feeling, not dividing the women to mothers and non mothers any more.
I divide now women to the ones with kind compassionate heart and to the ones without.

Monday, April 9, 2018

Being a part of life-after-infertility community

I had an awkward visit. It was from a friend from my youth. We were never close friends, but we did spend plenty of lovely days together, going to the mountains, with a group of friends. Together we climbed also our highest mountain (almost 3.000 meters high). 

I invited her to our home. It was nice at the beginning.  We haven't seen each other for 15 years so there was lots of catching up. She told me about her lovely daughters. I told her about my infertility.  It was OK at first, but then the silly questions appeared:
  • Did I consider trying some additional IVFs?  (=no, I haven't. If the IVFs didn't work when I was 32, they for sure won't work now that I am almost 45). 
  • Did I consider adoption?  Her close friend adopted twins from Ghana and they are sooooooo happy together. (=yes, of course we considered it but no, thank you, it is not for us). 
And at the end, when already leaving for a medical appointment, she told me that she is pregnant (she is 3 years younger then me).    I wish her all the best, but I don't think I am interested in another coffee with her and being a part of her pregnancy.

It is not because she is a mother. (My best friend is a mother.) It is because of the silly questions.

Otherwise it was a good week. The construction works with the house are going very well. And the link to my blog was published in some of my favourite bloggie friends' blogs: 
It is a lovely feeling. My thoughts and my feelings  matter. It means a world to be  - being a part of life-after-infertility community.