Monday, September 30, 2013


Anne Geddes Heartfelt 2014 Wall Calendar

There was a daydream that I had for many years and that I loved so much.

I was so sure that IVF will work for us, it was just matter trying again and again, untill one of them worked out.  And I was always sure that I would give birth to twins.

Before I tell the daydream I have to explain that I was always known for enjoying in surprising my parents. For example:
  • when 16 telling them that I found summer job in Ireland and that I will not even ask them for permission to go
  • on a Friday evening visiting my parents and ask them what will they do next Saturday. Their answer: nothing special. So I said: "Good. Then you are invited to our wedding".
  • list could be much longer

So the daydream from the past.  I planned of telling my parents that I was pregnant at 12th week. But, it would be our secret that we are expecting twins. So in my daydream I was imagining how suprised my parents would be when they would found out that they got two grandchildren at once.

I know. Very very stupid.

It is cold and rainy autumn evening, I just returned from a walk. This daydream isn't something I think about, I almost forgot about it. Walking in the rain alone just brought memories back...

(btw: I used to love Anne Geddes photos.Now I hate them).

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Nobody cares about the aunts

Most of the days I am feeling OK in my childless skin. But then I hear some stupid comment and I get really angry & hurt. I know - there is still a long way to be healed completely.

This is a conversation that I had few days ago with my brother (beloved baby brother, now a father of two daughters).

He explained me a conversation that he had with our cousin (the one that was visiting us two weeks ago). 

The cousin is really spoiling her two nephews. She bought something that meant a lot to her 10-year-old nephew and the nephew thanked her. She said to him (jokingly) that she was spoiling him because she expects from him not to forget about her when she will be old & grey.

I know my cousin. I know that she does not count on her nephews to take care of her (BTW: she is only 34, so her old age is really far away).

This conversation was overheard by boy's mother (=her sister-in-law) and she replied to my cousin (in a very superior mode): "Do you really think that my son will want to have anything with his old aunt? Nobody cares about the aunts!"


My brother told the story and then stopped talking. I didn't really get it, what was his opinion on that. So I asked him, what was his comment.

I hoped the reply would be that cousin's sister-in-law was really rude.

My brother comment was - a quote - "our cousin is really stupid if she thinks that the nephew would take care of her".


So yes, my brother's comment really made be angry. I did not want to go into any discussion. So I just replied that our cousin will be very rich when she is old (=based on her well paid profession), even if she does not marry. And that she will pay, if she needs any help. 

So superior, my brother as well. Does he really think that his two daughters will take such a good care of him when he is old?

Monday, September 23, 2013

Zum reisen: topfit

I just returned from a business trip. It was not nice - I had to drive alone - 600 kilometers - and I was obviously not healthy enough to go, I had a fever and horrible headaches for two days. It was lonely to be ill so far away. Luckily the high temperature went away on Sunday, so it was an easy drive back home today.

On the way back I have over passed a German camper (owned by an older couple). It had exactly the same words on it:

It made me laugh so much!

I hope I will have the same sense of humour when I am old. And the same love for travelling.

Translation for non-German speaking readers:

For working: too old
for dying: too young
for travelling: top fit

Cool, isn't it?

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Having a cold

I didn't feel good in the morning - I had a headache & a sore throat.  So I just took a day off work.

Vimrod: today has been cancelled. go back to bed...

It was cosy - being able to spend ALL day in the bed, reading a good book. Sleeping in the afternoon. Drinking lots of hot tea.

It was lovely, not having to worry about anybody but me.

I feel much better now.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013


While cooking a coffee in the kitchenette, I talked to a coworker (mother of two toddlers).  I asked her where she parks her car now. She said that she was thinking about it for a while, and then decided for a monthly rent of the garage near our offices.

I already explained to her before that I am not willing to spend 10 % of my monthly pay for a garage.

So she asked me, where do I park the car now. And I said that I always park on a large parking free of charge that is 15 minutes of walking from the office.

A coworker commented that this was really a lot of walking. I tried to make a little joke, so I responded: "I don't mind walking. Since I don't have any children yet, I am not in a hurry to pick them up at the kindergarten, so I have time to walk."

We prepared the coffee and went each into the office.

But I still don't know, where did this YET came from.

At my heart and mind I already made peace with the decision to accept childless life. But obviously my subconscious isn't there yet...

Another good book

The Elegance of the Hedgehog

I read that book not that long ago... I really liked it!


I have just discovered this website:

So many good books to read.
So little time!


Bye for now, I will go back to the book I am currently reading:

Gone Girl

Monday, September 16, 2013

Lake Titicaca

Yes, Itchy Feet Syndrome can bring you places really far away :) 

Sunday, September 15, 2013

I love travelling

Each of us finds different way of coping with grief & loss. My way was always: travelling!  Buying two flight tickets online, packing backpack, buying a guide and then ... holidays!

After every two failed IVFs we went travelling, to heal my broken heart. So if anybody asked me - are there any advantages of having 10 failed IVFs the answer would be: Yes. We did see lot of the World :)

I am attaching a photo, taken by me (or by DH) three years ago.  It definitely is a breath taking place.


I guess we will not be able to go any place for a while (because of taking care for a sick dog & saving money for our house).  But my feet start to itch. They would love to go somewhere, far away, at least for few weeks...

Saturday, September 14, 2013

My cousin

I spent the whole day with my cousin. I really like her, it is just that I haven't seen her for some years (she lives approx. 7 hours of driving away). 

She is 34, very successful in her job and single.  While eating the best cake in our capital she talked to me how horrible is the pressure of the whole family - asking her literally every week if she already found anybody. How she hates advices that the time is running out and why is she so picky. 

I really hope that she finds the love of her life one day. She is a wonderful girl.

(but if she doesn't - I really think it is better to be single as in a bad relationship. I know that. I did live in a bad relationship almost 15 years ago, for many years. To put it mildly - it was not nice.)  


Atonement (2007) Poster

I watched this movie couple of days ago with my DH. A beautiful movie.

How lucky are the people who find the love of their life! I consider myself as one of them.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Selling the Fantasy of Fertility

I just read a wonderful article in the New York Times:

Wonderfully written, congratulations to both authors!

I just wish I could have read it few years ago. If I had read it in the darkest years of my infertility, perhaps I wouldn't have done 10 IVFs.

I do not want to think about the damage that infertily drugs did to my body. I can just hope for the best.

Love and light,


Wednesday, September 11, 2013

the truth about ivf, childfree

I love checking google statistics - how new visitors find me.

Today somebody googled:
the truth about ivf, childfree

and found my blog.

How cool is that?!


The truth is that not all infertility journeys include the marketing brochure happy ending.

And - the truth is, that (at least today)  I do not care. I had a good day at work, then I spent some lovely time with my beloved Wolf and now I returned from a short jogging in the rain. Life is good.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

I am the wrong person to complain to

A coworker (that I otherwise really like) complained to me today:
"I have a parent meeting today afternoon for three hours at school for my oldest one and tomorrow another parent meeting in the kindergarten for the little one. How I hate it! It is waste of time."

Dear parents - please do not ever complain to me again. I would love to waste my time on things like that.

(The only good thing is that I am becoming a master at getting the conversation back to safe work talk).

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Pass the Hat, Change the World

by: Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos

Instead of buying a glass of wine or beer tonight (oh, who am I to get between you and an adult beverage -- go ahead and do so) but also support TheCycleLivingATaboo and help eliminate infertility ignorance


Am I (and six other women) a little insane to stand on a stage in NYC on Sept 27 and share stories about how not being able to bear a child changed our lives? Perhaps. But we’re doing it because we know it will help others.

Some life experiences — coming of age, marriage, illness, death — are universally understood. That’s because we are socialized in how to respond to them. We have words and rituals. We share common behaviors, norms — etiquette — that allow us to navigate and move through them with either social celebration or social healing and empathy.

Infertility? Just whisper it and everyone runs for the doors. No one knows what to say, how to react, what is expected. It’s time to change that.

By giving voice to a complex, misunderstood experience we aim to reshape the way society views infertility. Why? So future generations won’t have to suffer the indignity of ignorance or disdain. You can help, too!


  1.  Share in a blog comment why it’s important to eliminate the taboo around infertility around the world
  2. *DONATE -- no contribution is too small or large (all donations are tax deductible)
  3. Tweet or blog details about this event to spread the word

Tweet: Join or support #TheCycleLivingATaboo, an #infertility forum led by patients, advocates, health professionals on 9/27


You’ll feel great for seizing the opportunity to help others move forward in a healthy way.


*Why are we passing the hat? To help a valiant documentary film-maker operating under a 501 3(c) pay for a NY theater she’s rented for the sole purpose of delivering a transformative, memorable, historic evening and capture a collection of stories that have never been heard.


Unlike other consumer-facing infertility outreach efforts, this event is not sponsored by the pharmaceutical or reproductive technology industries. The goal is to tell the "un-sponsored truth" about infertility. This means we are truly on a shoestring. In fact, The Cycle staff consists entirely of volunteers who have been in the trenches of infertility and devoted hundreds of hours of their personal time and financial resources to put together this public service event.

For the price a of designer cup of coffee ($5), a bottle of wine ($18) or a movie night ($25) you can make a difference not only to this project -- but to a significant, if silent, segment of society who wishes their family and friends could understand or better support them.


Thank you for making the world a gentler, kinder place.



Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos
Co-Producer: The Cycle: Living a Taboo
Buy Tickets to The Cycle: Living a Taboo
Author: Award-Winning Book Silent Sorority

Make a tax deductible donation to Change How Media Covers Infertility

Friday, September 6, 2013

9th June 2003: she will get pregnant

I had a regular gynecological examination yesterday.  I took a day off work, so I could go there in the middle of the day (if I went in the afternoon, the waiting room would be crowded with pregnant women). 

While waiting in the dressing room, I looked at my files.

First of all there were only remarks: Cilest, Cilest, Cilest (it is really ironic to think how many oral contraceptive pill I took in my life, completely needlessly).

And then, there was a gynecologist's remark written on Monday, 9th June 2003: she will get pregnant.

I remembered that period of my life. I was just few weeks before our wedding, I was 100 % sure that everything in my life will be just as I wanted. How little did I know about life then!

My gyn is really nice. The first think that she asked me yesterday was: "How are you?"

It was really kind of her - she really wanted to know how am I. So I told her that it was really hard for few years but that I am OK now.

I really am. At least - on most of my days.


Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Get well, my beloved Wolf. I need you!

I went jogging after work yesterday. I wasn't envious of all the people I met that had kids.

I was envious only of people who went jogging with their dog.

My beloved Wolf has been doing really well for the last six months, but now his kidney situation deteriorated. He spent 12 hours yesterday in the clinic, to have infusions with drugs that help him. And he will spend next few days in the clinic. 

He was so happy when we picked him up in the evening.

Get well, my beloved Wolf. I need you!

For five summers our Sundays were always going on really long hikes - sometimes up to 20 kilometers per day. And this year our Sundays were sitting in the garden together, reading and cuddling. He can not walk more then 1 kilometer per day. Wolf's illness made me think that health really is everything.

PS: The photo was taken few years ago, on one of those long hikes around the lake.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

First day of school

It was the first school day yesterday. It is always a day that I would prefer to stay in bed all day, covered by warm blankets and not expose myself to the world.

But I had to go to work and it was hard. All the coworkers that have small kids had a free day either to take their children for the first time to kindergarten or they took their children for the first time to school.

In the office there were left only:
  1. coworkers with older kids who loved to tell their memories - how was the first day of school each year for their children
  2. younger coworkers who loved to listen to those stories - because they are looking forward to taking their future children for the first time to kindergarten / school.
  3. me
I tried to focus on my work and ignore all the talking.

I didn't feel good when coming home. So the first thing that I did was putting my sneakers on and I went jogging - for the first time in months. I felt great afterwards.


Today I will have to listen all day how expensive school is (by the way: the schools in my country are free of charge - financed by high taxes that we all (including me) pay, parents need to buy only books).

I hate this complaining. I would give anything in the world to be able to buy schoolbooks for our children.

(our children are safe in heaven*. They do not need any books). 

*I am not really religious. But somehow I have chosen to believe that our children do live somewhere.

I am attaching a photo of a church near Ravenna that we visited few years ago. I loved the mosaic. It is just wonderful.