Pain & Happiness

Me & my best girl-friend married in the same year, only a month apart. We were so excited - we were both sure our first children would be born in the same year. 

I don't really want to remember the darkest days of my infertility. Let me just say that it was really hard for me to accept the fact that she was going to have the first child and I am not. It was really difficult to visit her new-born son for the first time.   But, accepting the news of her second pregnancy was even harder.

Her boy is now 8. Yesterday was the second time that I had him for whole afternoon. And it was the first time that we were doing his homework together. It was lovely. He was very motivated (I admit - I used a bit of bribing - we went in between for a walk to the shopping centre, to buy delicious chocolate&vanilla donats. Yummy!)

When his dad picked him up, I talked to the boy and the dad when could I have him for the next time. We all agreed that it would be perfect occasion in 14 days. Then I suddenly noticed that his little sister (aged 6) stares at me sadly with her beautiful blue eyes. I asked her what is it. And she replied: "I want to come to you to do my homework too." 

How extra cute is that? So - I am getting two children in 14 days :) :)

*** 

I love life. It is full surprises. I never thought I would be able to look forward to my time with other children again. 

Maybe you will have children. Maybe you won't.

I got the link to this song from a dear pen-friend of mine.
I haven't known it before.
It is just perfect!

I loved the line: "Maybe you will have children. Maybe you won't."
So true!

Flights of Love

Few years ago I read Schlink's Reader and loved it.

This weekend I read his Flights of Love. Beautifully written!  There are 7 stories, main characters are always men. Most of the men are married and have children and are unhappy. So, once again I got a confirmation that there is no such equation as: to have a child = to live happily ever after.

Each of us has to find his/her own happiness.

The sun is always shining

The elegance of the Hedgehog

I have just finished reading this novel. A while ago I have already read it, in English. Since English is not my native language I reread the translation to my language.

I like novels, where the main character is a childless woman over 40. I find it comforting.

Exploring the shades of grey

I found this link on Loribeth's blog (thank you Loribeth).
I read the article and just loved it:

http://www.thestar.com/news/world/2014/02/15/fertility_the_hardest_border_ive_ever_tried_to_cross.html

Today is a gift

Just a brief reminder - the present is all I've got. 
And I am not willing to loose any more day regretting being childless.

I am off to read a good book.... 

A book, laughing at me

 

One of my favourite hobbies for the last 36 years was visiting local library and choosing books. And almost whenever I go there, I see this book, laughing at me. How much do I hate this book!

Few years ago, when I was in the middle of IVF cycles, I borrowed this book and read it in one weekend. Not that I really liked the style of author's writting, but I loved the story and the message of the book: after failed IVF you have to just keep trying and then one day the luck will be on your side. I guess that the message was completely something else - it is just how I understood it. 

Now, whenever I see this book, I feel as it laughing at me. 

How come that I was so desperate that I thought that after 3th failed IVFs the 4th will work out? 

Or - how come  that I was so desperate that I thought that after 9th failed IVFs the 10th will work out?

The answer is simple. I was so desperate. 

I am happy today. Reasons: 

• after 14 days of not feeling well I am finally OK. 
• after many many long and dark years of infertility I am happy that I am not desperate any more. I am happy to be able to see things as they are. And reality is that I have many things to be grateful for, so I am not willing to spend any more time on regreting the things were just not meant to be. 

Always wanted a child of her own

My bloggie friend sent me this link:

http://health.clevelandclinic.org/2013/03/empathy-exploring-human-connection-video/ 

 It is about empathy in healthcare, and I also think that it's beautiful and applies to life in general.

I was deeply touched by seeing another woman who Always wanted a child of her own.

And I was touched by seeing a perfect dog - he looks almost exactly as my beloved Wolf.

For Mali: Pasticcio di verdure (Lasagna di verdure)

Dear Mali,
I have baked this today - my own lasagna with vegetables.
Just to let you know that I am already practising for our Italian cooking course in the year 2030 :)
kind regards,
Klara

Rick Steve's Europe

Thank you Kelly for telling me about Rick Steve.

Here is a link to the show of my country:

http://www.ricksteves.com/watch-read-listen/video/tv-show/slovenia


Enjoy!

Final ride with the wind

 

 

There has always been one topic I wanted to write about, but on the other hand I didn't want to. The theme is too dark.

 

Today my mood is dark - I literally haven't slept for the third night (=hard coughing prevents me from sleeping).  I am still very ill. And in the middle of the dark lonely night dark thoughts come to my mind.

 

I was in Ireland for the first time when I was 17. I loved it. I spent there 3 months, working as an Au Pair. I had one day per a week free, it was Sunday and I used my Sundays to discover either the centre of Dublin or for cycling around outskirts of Dublin.

 

One thing that I loved in Ireland were old cemeteries. Ordinary people, who died few hundreds years ago and they still have their own grave. Beautiful & peaceful. I could spend hours there, thinking...

 

This is not the case in my country. You literally can not buy the grave, you can just rent it. So normally it is the children who pay the rent of the grave for the parents each year. 

 

Who would pay the rent for the grave for us? We wouldn't want to be a burden for our nieces and nephews.  The thought that eventually our grave would be destroyed and a non related new person would get our grave, is terrifying.

 

So yes. I know what I want for myself. When I am gone (hopefully not for another 50 years) I want to be the ash that wind takes with it. I like the idea - to be free as a bird for eternity.

 

 

 

 

 

 



A granddaughter

I just got a personal message on my FB.  My ex-boss (I worked for her ten years ago) sent me a message saying:
"So how are you? Anything new***? Nothing much new with me except that  my granddaugher is growing up so fast."

***she does know of my infertility issues. Or better said: she knew and probably forgot or just did not care.

What can I reply to a message like this? We  haven't been in touch for the last five years and all she can say are news regarding her granddaughter.

What can I reply?  I am still infertile. Still childless. And of course, grandchildless for good. 

***)/&%#! == (=lots of ugly words, they help to send away the anger).

I did what I do the best: I deleted the message. And I will just pretend that I never read it. So yes, a problem easily solved. My way.


I just hope that one day, when I am old and grey, my messages to younger excoworkers will be witty, inspiring and not hurting.  They will include the news as:
- how good was my Italian cooking 3-week-course in Tuscany
- the best moments from walking the El Camino
- I will invite them to stop by and try my homegrown vegetables (my zucchinis will be amazing) 
- how lovely it is to be the oldest student in a language school, learning for the first time Japanese / Arabic / Portugese / Spanish / Mandarine / ...
- hundreds of ideas to follow

The Sound of Music

I have a high temperature, so I took a day off work.
Can you imagine having an afternoon better spent then watching The Sound of Music for the 20th time in the last 30 years?
If I had to choose my favourite movie of all times, I would chose this one.
I was so sure that my home will be full of children's laughter one day. 
Not all wishes come true. It is just the fact of life. I am not sad about it any more. It is what it is. Or as my bloggie friend Savannah wrote today:
You take what life gives you and you make it your own kind of happy.

Have you watched this movie?

Holiday idea

Are you still looking for this year's holiday destination?
I have an idea.
Choose my country.
This week's article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/03/slovenia_n_4696458.html

My Own Happiness Project

I started to read this book.

At the beginning I quite liked it.

I liked the begining:
"Whad do I want from life, anyway?" I asked myself.
"Well, I want to be happy."

But it was hard to read the whole first chapter. You see, the writer is a mother of two little girls.  So much of her advice did not belong to my life.

I stopped reading at the second chapter, after reading the first sentence:
"One alarming fact jumps out of research about happiness and marriage: marital satisfaction drops substantially after the first child arrives."

It does not matter what researches say. I know me and my DH would be much happier if we had a child.

I closed the book and returned it.

I have to write my own Happiness Project. 

Ice

A photo taken out of our living room.
My country has been frozen in ice for the last two days.

Belle et Sébastien

I hope to see this movie one day...