Some advertisments are not meant to be seen by infertiles

I am just reading the Time. I like the Time.
There is only one thing that I absolutely hate in the Time.
Advertising of this company:



and its slogan:
“You never actually own a Patek Philippe. You merely look after it for the next generation.”

As an infertile & childless person I would never ever buy this watch.

I say a little prayer

I am listening to music before going to work. I love the lyrics:

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you
While combing my hair, now,
And wondering what dress to wear, now,
I say a little prayer for you

Forever, forever, you'll stay in my heart
And I will love you
Forever, forever, we never will part
Oh, how I'll love you
Together, together, that's how it must be
To live without you
Would only be heartbreak for me.

I run for the bus, dear,
While riding I think of us, dear,
I say a little prayer for you.


And... thinking of my beloved Wolf. We have a new appointment at the vet tomorrow.
One day he is better, another worse. We will see, but we are still hopeful.

I had rough two weeks at work. There are talks of new reorganization of the department where I work and possible downsizing. Coworkers worry a lot. I don't. At this moment I only need my job in order to pay for vet visits and expensive diet food (we have some savings for our "little house" project, so it is not a problem).

(PS: economic situation in our country is really not good. But it is a topic for another time)

J. Edgar

I watched this movie yesterday.
I loved it!
I love Clint Eastwood's movies.
And I love the movies where I can learn something new about the history.

To take each day as it comes

First of all - thank you for all your kind wishes. My DH does not read my blog, but he did read your comments and he was touched. I guess he didn't even imagine how many kind readers his wife has.

I learned some new things in the last few days.

Creatinine is the most specific test for kidney disease. When creatinine is elevated above the normal range (usually 141 µmol/L), this generally means that there is a problem with the kidneys.

Early Renal Insufficiency: In general, creatinine values up to around 177 µmol/L
Moderate Kidney Disease: Values from 177 to 442 µmol/L
Severe Kidney Failure: Values above 442 µmol/L

Wolf's values were 850  µmol/L three days ago and after the treatment 700  µmol/L.


***
Those tests reminded me on the times when I was on a crazy IVF-roller coaster. When I had tons of different tests. How I always hoped for a miracle to happen, but it never did.

***
The vet said that based only on tests (without seeing the dog) he would recommend euthanasia. But looking at the dog, he still sees joy and willingness to live. And he has good appetite, which is good. We decided to continue the treatment. The vet said that there is still a hope for him.

I spent the afternoon cuddling him, sitting with him and reading. It was lovely to be with him.

We decided to take each day as it comes. To enjoy every moment with him that we can.

My beloved Wolf, please get well, I need you!

It seems like yesterday, when we brought a little, 2-month-old puppy home.
The wolf was always healthy, only the last week he wasn't feeling well.
DH took him to vet, they made lots of tests yesterday.
Today we got back the results.
Renal failure.
My sadness can not be expressed by any words.
The vet prescribed him three days of treatment.
After three days they will be able to tell us whether his condition is curable.
Can't write any more, I am crying too much.
I just can not imagine my life without my beloved Wolf.

I regret nothing...

Post for Wolfers - meet my Wolf

dear Wolfers,
thank you for your kind comment.

Here is my beloved Wolf:
http://thenext15000days.blogspot.com/2012/02/master-of-living-in-moment-meet-wolf.html

I finished earlier at work today, so I took him for a long walk. It was magical.
Lots and lots of snow and a beautiful forrest.

Clever little girl

Not many families with children visit us.
 
There is one couple of friends that regularly visit us, always together with their 7-year-old daughter. She draws us a drawing each time when they visit us. Drawings have always the same motive: there is a sun, me, my DH and our Wolf. I am keeping the best of her drawings since she was 4.

Not long ago they visited us and it was really nice. To be frank, we don't really feel comfortable with families, but with this one we do. It comes so naturally- they have a child. We don't. No big deal. 

I showed for the first time all the drawings that I kept during last years and the little girl was thrilled to see them.

My friend (her Mum) looked at the oldest drawing and she commented: "Oh, it is lovely. What is here. I see the Sun, I see Klara, I see Klara's husband and what is here - oh yes, this is a brown baby stroller."

The little one was angry and she said: "Mum, can't you see? It is the Wolf!!!"


I could hug the little one. She is so clever. She knows exactly what belongs to a picture of our life.
Yes, our beloved Wolf.


(by the way: yes, I still wish we could have a daughter as perfect as this little girl. Not all dreams come true, it is just the fact of live. And I am OK with that. At least most of the time.)

Feeling sad

I visited my brother's family yesterday. I love my nieces. But I try to limit the family visits as much as possible. Reason?
I really can not stand my brother who always addresses his wife as "mommy" even when the kids are not around. How can we have normal conversation?

I am OK with being childless, at least most of the time. But I am not OK with different social situations when I am constantly reminded of what I am missing.

***
I just finished reading the last book of Grey trilogy. It was OK, I quite liked it. Although description of making love described by pregnant woman... was hard limit for me. I feel sad after reading those pages.

***
Vanilla Early Grey tea & Nutella will help lift my spirit!

You Can't Always Get What You Want

There are almost 30 of us sitting in the same office, so it is hard to concentrate sometimes. Sometimes I listen music (when it gets to loud in the office). Yesterday I listened to beloved R.S.

I listened to these lines:

You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes well you might find
You get what you need

Yes, it is true. I didn't get what I wanted.  (and this does song not make me sad any longer, it is just a fact of life) 
So I made a though: what do I need today for a perfect day? A long walk with my Wolf!
So I finished working at noon* and went on a 15-kilometre-hike with him.

Just a perfect day!



*my boss is probably wondering why I have appointments at the dentist each month :)
(I don't really care. Other coworkers with children leave earlier on weekly basis - picking children at kindergarten / school is a lovely excuse)

Harry P.

Me & DH had movie evening... the last two movies of Harry P.
We already watched the first five parts years ago.
I love everything about Harry P. Except the last 5 minutes of the last movie.

The last 5 minute-part is  titled with: 19 years after.
Guess what. All main caracters have children of their own that are exactly the same age.

Boring! So ordinary!

11 years

Exactly 11 years ago I met my DH, the love of my life.
Can't believe how years flew by...
I fell in love in the moment he smiled at me, he has a beautiful smile.
We married one year later.
This year we will be celebrating 10 years of our marriage.
Which means that this year there will be 10 years since we started making love without protection.
10 years of unfulfilled dreams.
Not all dreams come true. (writing this down doesn't hurt any more).
I am one of the lucky ones.... to find my soul mate!

Fake friends & how lucky I am to have the Wolf

I wrote many e-greeting cards for New Year to my friends, ex-coworkers, ex-infertile friends. I got many nice wishes back.

One of ex-childless friend (she is a mom now to an adopted son from abroad) who lives only few kilometers from my home wrote me back that she misses me and that she would love to meet me again (this is one of friends that was part of my support group through IVF treatments).

I responded (naively) that I would love to see her as well and then I wrote down all dates in January where I am available (basically all days except 3 days).

And the respond was that January will be so full of activities in local kindergarten and besides that her little sunshine has birthday, so she will be without any available time (=just a note: I work full time and she took some years off work). So perhaps she would have time for me in February.

Am I meeting her in February? Definitely not! In March? Definitely not!
I prefer to be alone or spend time with my beloved Wolf.

I am taking the Wolf for a really long walk  (approx. 14 - 17 kilometers) now.
The Wolf has ALWAYS time for me :)

A secret

Have you read my description:

I am a 40-something European woman doing what I once thought wasn't possible: finding happiness after infertility. While it's been a long, difficult and emotional journey (10 unsuccessful IVF treatments), each day I take another step down the path toward a fulfilling new life. This is my story of reinvention.


Everything there is true except one thing: I am not 40 yet. I will be in few months. ***
I don't want to hurt anyone who is over 40 and still TTC.... but for me personally, 40 is the limit for having a child.

So I guess this year will be quite hard for me.



***I wrote it like this since I knew it would be painful for me to change it from: almost 40 to 40-something... I like to make things easier.

Not healed yet

I just returned from a local library. Since having a tiny apartment, I don't like to buy books (exception: books in English, since I can not borrow them), I prefer to get them from library.

On another corner of library I saw an ex-colleague (we dated two brothers almost two decades ago). I haven't seen her for quite some years. And today - there she was, exactly 9 months pregnant (my guess).

What I did? I pretended not to see her, I quickly took books and just left.

So - yes - I know. I am not healed yet.

This is the way of  handling things. I prefer to avoid awkward small talk. In my language,  a very common greeting is: "So, how are you, any news?"

***
What could I respond to that? No, no news.

3.1.13

For the last few years I never watched my weight since it was only important to survive all failed IVFs.  I am not fat. But I really hate the fact that I can not zip beloved jeans from the year 2009. I hate all the fat on my belly.

Today is beautiful date: 3.1.13.  So here is my New Year's Resolution:

• I will eat more vegetables and fruits.
• Limit  sugar intake.
• Do more sport.
• Start with pushups & excersises for arms.
• Write a dairy of eaten food & sports... great way to analyze.

Today's weight: 71.6 kg.
Wish weight: 64.0 kg.  (I had that many kilogrames for my Honeymoon and felt great. Well, not only because of my kilogrames :)

I know that most of New Year's Resolutions don't work. But, is there any harm in trying?

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to all my bloggie friends!

I am already back from 2-day-holiday in  Zagreb, a capital of Croatia. It was nice to discover a new city. We waited for New Year on open air celebration in the main square of the city.

And... now I am off to work, after a long holiday.