Sunday, January 28, 2018

Count your blessings

Most of people deleted me (and my husband) from their invitation lists. I can't blame them. We have skipped countless kids' birthdays and other events that included mainly families with kids.

But there is one exception, my cousin. I declined her invitation to 13 birthday parties of her two kids and yet, she still sent us an invitation. It wasn't kids' birthday, it was family occasion. So I thought we could go, just to show gratitude for not deleting us from their lives.

We went and it was OK. Yes, there was some silly comments that I hated. Like -  now you have to make the third child!  (it was said by the mother of three to my cousin).

There were approximately 10 kids under 10. When I couldn't listen to adults any more, I just accepted kids' invitation to play outside (hide & seek) and it was great fun!

I am still not 100 % functional among adults (and I guess I will never be, I am already having some issues with new "grannies" who are only like few years older then me). But among children - at least the ones above 3 years - I feel perfectly fine.

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Count your blessings is the expression that I love. One of my blessings is time spent with my mom's cousin who has cancer. I have been bringing her books from the library for the last few years. I am also keeping list (well, it is copy-paste from the library system) where she marks me all the books she loved the most. So far I brought her around 300 books.  I love talking to her. About books. About life.

The last time I visited her  she said that she knows how much I wished to have children of my own (=I never talked about my infertility with her), but that she just wanted me to know something. She said that once an older friend told her something and it stayed with her because it is so true: "When your children are little, they drink your milk. When they grow up, they drink your blood."

She knows what she is talking about. She has a son who hasn't spoken to her for more then a decade.

We both had tears in our eyes when we talked. Me because of my unfulfilled dreams. She because of the pain caused by her son. It was a therapeutic for both of us.

Sunday, January 21, 2018

The hardest thing I've ever done

This Christmas / New Year period I got only two new emails from readers of my blog. Since they were so few I appreciate them even more. Thank you for taking time to write to me.

One of them wrote that giving up the dream of her children is also the hardest thing she has ever done.  I couldn't agree more. This was the hardest thing I've ever done.


Friday, January 12, 2018

So everybody’s kids could be mine

I really liked the latest interview on LWB:
http://lifewithoutbaby.com/2018/01/12/our-stories-teresa/

I tried to leave a comment, but I couldn't. I might try later. 
Teresa's thoughts reminded me of my feelings when in the darkest days of my infertility.

She wrote that she had given up on God. I know, I had given up on God for many years.

I loved the article that I found on Pamela's blog this week:
https://www.liftable.com/marybeth-bittel/dolly-parton-says-never-kids-god-plan/ 

I really liked this part:
Dolly Parton explained that although she’s been married to her husband Carl Dean for over 50 years, she feels that not having children was part of God’s larger design for her life. “I think it probably was his plan for me not to have kids,” she said, “so everybody’s kids could be mine.” 

If someone told me this when in the darkest years of my infertility I guess I would try to smack him/her. But nowadays most of the days I feel like that.

Thursday, January 4, 2018

A candle for a friend

I got an email  today from a husband of a friend (from the time of IVFs). He wished me a happy new year and then wrote that sadly his wife passed away few days ago, leaving him alone with their son. 

I am so sorry for him. And I am so sorry that a 7-year-old boy will have to grow up without his mother.

I had an amazing support group during the times of all infertility treatments. But one by one they were getting babies (in a country where 6 IVFs are completely free of charge most of the women do get what they wish for). I no longer belonged to their group. They were still nice, inviting me to their events, but I could not - in the darkest days of my infertility - go to meetings where there was only one topic: pregnancies, newborns, toddlers...

So I stopped going to their reunions.

This friend even wrote to me couple of times after the birth of the child. I said congratulations and best wishes for the baby. She invited me to see the baby. Can't really remember what I replied, but probably that I am not ready for meeting the child and that I will get back to her when I am ready.

I wasn't ready for many years and when I was ready, I forgot about her and she forgot about me.   But yet ... my email was somewhere there for her husband to find and let me know about the tragedy.

If you didn't go through infertility you probably think I am selfish b****.
If you did go, then you understand... it is self-preservation. Without it I literally could not survive accepting childless life after the infertility.

I sent email with condolences to her husband and their little boy.

And I will lit a little candle in her memory now.

I can't do anything else.



Monday, January 1, 2018

Happy and Healthy New Year!



In my country we never wish only for a happy new year, good wishes should be always in combination with health.

So, my dear readers, I am wishing you a very Happy and Healthy New Year! 


PS: photo was taken almost 12 years ago, while travelling around Patagonia (on the photo: breathtaking beautiful glacier Perito Moreno). My therapy during the years of failed IVFs was travelling. Always when heartbroken the only thing that worked for me was buying a plane ticket and fly far away for few weeks together with my husband. Since we had 10 failed IVFs we have seen quite some of the world :)  One of these days I will make "best of" travelling photos from that time.