Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Cool granny

I had a coffee with a coworker, also childless not by choice.  She told me that she recently visited her granny who is 90. Granny started to ask her how long had she been married (10 years) and if she had children. My coworker simply replied "No".

Granny then said: "Good. Children only take your energy and money." 

I laughed so much when I heard this story.

My coworker is lucky, having such a cool granny :)

Infertility Etiquette 101

It is lovely to start a new day by reading a great article:

Monday, September 29, 2014


I remembered how much I enjoyed movie dates with my best friend. How many beautiful movies did we see in the past!

I went for a long walk with her on Saturday, it was lovely. She invited me for a movie Boyhood.

I know it is a beautiful movie. IMDB's rating is 8,7.

But I am too damaged to see the movie like this.  I don't belong to the "normal" world.

A friend of mine has a little boy of her own. So this is just a perfect movie for her.

But not for me.

I had 10 beautiful embrios. So I guess half of them were boys. My 5 boys are in heaven.

Since I couldn't watch my own boys grow up, I never ever want to see that movie either.

This is just a fact of life. Infertility scares you for a lifetime. Even when I think I am healed, there is something that reminds me that I am not and that I will never be. At least not completely.

I read this on Lisa's blog today:

“There is no right way to grieve, and you have to let people grieve in the way that they can. One of the things that happens to everyone who is grief-stricken, who has lost someone, is there comes a time when everyone else just wants you to get over it, but of course you don’t get over it. You get stronger; you try and live on; you endure; you change; but you don’t get over it. You carry it with you.”

So true!

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Accepting my childlessness-for-good state

I've been very busy at work lately. It is good. I almost do not have time to think about being sad for being childless.

I had business dinner with two coworkers and some potential business partners on Friday evening, until very late. It was very nice. Chatting & laughing with people I have only met.

There was a topic who will be doing what during the weekend.

And I told them that I would spend some time with my favourite child. And then I added that since not having my own children, I am entitled to say out loud who is my favourite child*. Parents are never supposed to say that.

I was surprised how easily I told it.
It was a huge step for a woman, who is accepting her childlessness-for-good state.

*(to be frank, who is my favourite child, changes. And I am careful that I never say that loud in front of the children).


Monday, September 15, 2014

Making your own destiny

I watched Forrest Gump for tenth time with my DH on Sunday. It is one of our favourite movies. There are so many beautiful lines that warm my heart. Always.

This is my favourite dialogue:

Well, I happen to believe you make your own destiny. You have to do the best what God gave you.

What's my destiny, Mama? 

You're gonna have to figure that out for yourself. Life's a box of chocolates, Forrest. You never know what you're gonna get. 

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Forever / Per sempre

Per sempre

I was really glad to find a new novel written by my favourite author in the library. I read it yesterday.

I loved the main character, Matteo. I loved the story about eternal love. The story is beautiful and heartbreaking.

The novel hasn't been translated to English yet, I hope it will be soon. Because this is a novel everybody should read at least once.

A quote from the book (translated by me, so the English is not perfect):

"Yes, a tragedy has happened to you. A tragedy, that has changed your life. But I have to ask you - why did you let the tragedy to change you? Haven't I been showing to you all my life, that it is possible to handle things differently? "

I still think that it is a tragedy that if you wish to have children and can not have them.
I loved that question - why did you let the tragedy to change you?
Why did I let the tragedy to change me?
Yes, my infertility has changed me.
But I am learning the ways of getting my  happy life back. Piece by piece.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Thwarted dreams

I saw the link on Loribeth's blog today (thank you!):

I loved it. Especially the quote.
"But an intriguing new study from the Netherlands suggests that not having children only makes infertile women unhappy if they are unable to let go of the idea of having kids." 

So true!  And I know what I am talking about. I could get back my old happy me only after I let go the dream of having a child.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Sweet little princess

Every year I get an extra cute invitation from my cousin, to attend birthday party of her daughter. I never go. Attending birthday parties where there are tons of families with cute little children is just too hard. 

My cousin was angry at me for the first two years, she didn't understand. But now she accepted me for whom I am and we are OK. 

She still invites me, but she knows I will not come. 

I draw a first happy birthday card in 30 years and sent to cousin's daughter. I invited her for a fun Saturday this weekend (that includes reading books, baking pancakes with Nutella, being outside doing fun things together). I phoned her after she read the card, wished her happy birthday and asked her if she would come.

Her reply was: "Very gladly." 

I love that little 5-year-old princess.



“Look to yourself. You free. Nothing and nobody is obliged to save you but you. Seek your own land. You young and a woman and there's serious limitation in both, but you are a person too. Don't let Lenore or some trifling boyfriend and certainly no devil doctor decide who you are. That's slavery. Somewhere inside you is that free person I'm talking about. Locate her and let her do some good in the world.”
Toni Morrison, Home

I read this book during the weekend.  I like Toni Morrison's novels. They are hard to read and beautiful. And sad.

Though, I did not like the part where she describes feelings of a woman who found out she would remain childless. I guess no mother could describe those feelings in a way that suits me. 

Saturday, September 6, 2014

My actionable resolutions for this year II

I read this article in January, I really liked it:

And after reading it I wrote this post: 

I am happy to report that this is the first time ever that my new year's resolution actually worked out! Thanks to the Time's article.

My actionable resolutions for this year were:
  • I will eat more vegetables.      Rezultat iskanja slik za ticked
  • No more late evening snacks.  Rezultat iskanja slik za ticked
  • I will walk every day for 1 hour.  Rezultat iskanja slik za ticked
  • I will start jogging in spring. (I started and stopped, when jogging more then 10 minutes, my knees start to hurt)
  • I will go swimming once a week to the olympic swimming pool. (I started and stopped, I can easily catch ear infection)
  • I will cycle 1.000 kilometers this year.   Rezultat iskanja slik za ticked (Already 1.400 kilometers cycled so far!)

I just calculated what is my average sport activity per day of the first 249 days of this year.
It is: 1 hour 20 minutes of walking / cycling / working in the garden / swimming / jogging.

And I lost 4 kilos.

Happy :)

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

You don’t suddenly become a great person because you have a child

The short interview that I saw on KT's post early in the moring made my day:

(I am so sorry - the commercial begins with extra cute baby - can't avoid commercials)

I am not sure if the link is working, so I am attaching another article:

I loved Tamron Hall's atitude and opinions. One of her sentences:
“You don’t suddenly become a great person because you have a child”.  

So true!

I am glad that Tamron spoke up for all of childless women.