Thursday, October 28, 2021

Who deserves my kindness and my time?

I have been thinking a lot lately - who are people that deserve my kindness and my time? 

I thought of the very blog post that I wrote 11 years ago:

I remember this suffocating feeling when I was with my girlfriends. I had the feeling that their lives are picture perfect, they are all blessed with two children. 

I just couldn't attend our usual Friday evening coffee dates any more. My sadness (and looking back - I know that now, I didn't know then - my depression) didn't fit into the lives of happy young mothers. I understand that.

But I don't understand how easily 3 girl-friends abandoned me when I sent them an email explaining that I can't attend our Friday dates any more since it was too heartbreaking for me. 

(Ony one of the friends stayed and supported me through the darkest times, I will be forever grateful. I would literally do anything for her). 

Back then I was so sure that all others have picture perfect lives but me. I was very wrong. 

One of the friends who left got terrible autoimmune incurable disease. She hasn't been able to walk for the last two years any more.

I recently  came back to this group of friends, but mainly to meet couple of times a year with the ill friend who really needs us. 

I forgave her (and the others). But I didn't forget (and I never will) - how easily I was abandoned when I was in need.

I haven't come to any conclusion yet.

But this is always in my mind - who deserves my kindness and my time?

I may be childless and  I may have some bit of extra available time. But this doesn't mean I don't have the right to choose how I spend my precious time.

Saturday, October 23, 2021

Eternal Firenze

How I missed travelling! I have just returned from a first business trip in the last year. 

I loved walking around beautiful medieval streets & squares of Firenze / Florence.  I just wish I had more time. I didn't have enough available time to visit masterpieces of  the Gallery Uffizi... so I hope to return there one day again.   

Walking alone around the city centre and admiring the masterpieces that were left behind by a wealthy Medici family made me think - what will be my mark on the world? 

I hope to still have plenty of time to figure this out.

But for now - what means a lot to me are the beautiful scarfs that I've just got from my mom's cousin's husband. 

My mom's cousin was fighting cancer for many years. Once she asked me if I could bring her some books from a local library - she knew I love to read. I did bring her books and since I saw how much it meant to her, I visited her with new books many times for three years.

I loved visiting her and talking to her. She told me how much she appreciated my visits and the books I brought. She told me that most of the people disappeared from her life. Since people didn't know what to say they just stopped visiting / phoning.  

She passed away this summer. I miss her!

I find it beautiful that her husband brought some scarfs to me... to have something hers to remember. 

Me making my mom's cousin's final years more beautiful isn't something tangible to be seen in the centuries to come. But it really doesn't matter.... It only matters that my acts made her life nicer and my life richer.


Tuesday, October 19, 2021

Juliana trail


If you are looking for new ideas for a walking trail, here is an excellent article in NY Times about Juliana trail: 

Thursday, September 16, 2021

Why I blog?


When I started writing my blog (almost ten years ago!) I planned to write it only for a while, just to overcome the hardest times of accepting our childless life. 

Why am I still blogging? Shortly  -  I like it :) 

I could write many reasons what I like about being part of the blogging community. Let me just tell you what I like the most. 

I just love if there is someone reading the lines I write and she (or he) feels that just reading my thoughts help ease her (or his) pain.   

There is a kind girl (well, I can say girl since she is few years younger then me) who came across my blog few months ago and started reading it. She decided to send me the first - just to say hi - email. And since she was travelling with her husband in our parts of the Europe, I invited them for coffee and pancakes. It was just lovely meeting them. 

It felt great talking. She could say nothing that could hurt me. And I could say nothing that would hurt her. We know the same pain and sometimes even the words were not necessary, we understood each other. 

I love that with the help of my blog I have met some of the kindest people. 

What will be my legacy?  Even if I could help only one person to overcome the hardest times of the infertility, it is enough. 


I am attaching few photos from my favourite part of my country: Lake Bohinj. The first few photos  were taken on the cycling tour with my husband. The lake was warm enough so we even went swimming. And the last two photos two were taken over the weekend, I went trekking with my dad.

Sunday, August 29, 2021

Beautiful photos from the Slovenian seaside

I am enjoying a long weekend with my DH at Slovenian seaside. It is already too windy for being whole day at the beach, so we took a lovely hike from Izola to Strunjan. I can't believe we hadn't done this walk ever before, it is so pretty. 

Sunday, August 15, 2021

A beautiful afternoon in the forest


I took one afternoon off work and went to the beautiful forest to pick up delicious blueberries & strawberries. I even found some ripe cranberries already. 

I should do this more often - taking time for doing something I enjoy deeply.  

I was alone in the forest in the middle of Triglav National Park - this part has also some bears and wolves! I was completely alone, but I wasn't afraid - I was close to hiking trails. 

I am sharing some photos with you since I know that many of you enjoy the beautiful photos from sLOVEnia <3

Another highlight: having a delicious blueberry&strawberry jam in the morning :)

Monday, August 9, 2021

A blank new page (A new blog!)


I have exciting news! 

Lilly has decided to start writing her own blog.

Here is the blog:

I am looking forward to reading it.

PS: I have chosen a photo of Yosemite National Park since I know we both love it :)

PPS: I took the photo in 2014.

Saturday, August 7, 2021

2000 meters+

I had a lovely day in the mountains with my father today. After 20 years I reached 2000 meters+ again!!! I had no problem going up, but my knees weren't that happy with going down. But I still loved the 6-hour-hike.

I am attaching some of my favourite photos, taken today in the Julian Alps. 

Guess what I am doing right now? Cooking my favourite blueberry jam.

Finding joy and meaning in life

Have you read Lilly's guestpost?

If you haven't, do read it, it is a beautiful post. And do leave a comment... it is so important for someone who has just started thinking writing her own blog. Comments mean to the writer of the blog that her thoughts are heard and that they matter.

I love all the comments that you left (and so did Lilly!!). 

What I also loved was this 14-year-old post that Pamela attached in her comment. I don't remember reading it then. Since 14 years ago I was in the middle of IVF treatments and wasn't even thinking that this is actually possible that you end up without a baby (no matter how hard you try). 

It is a beautiful post, do read it:

I love Pamela's conclusion of the post: "Finding joy and meaning in life is what I would have wanted my son or daughter to do."



Wednesday, July 28, 2021

New rooms: A guest blog post from Lilly from Germany

 New rooms

written by:  Lilly from Germany

If you look at it from the outside nothing has changed from the Before. We are still here.  We are still two. Everyone around us became many.

I somehow assumed that it was kind of natural that at some point, we would be three or four or even five. But the past has thought me that nothing can be taken for granted. Now it is us, trying to feel home in the new Two.

For quite a while I assumed I could just keep going and life would still be and feel the same. Like it was during the Before. During my time in ICIS treatment, I answered once to one of my doc’s questions, why I seem to go through this so rationally and clear, that one reason could be, that I am familiar with being just two. Many people say that they “cannot imagine being just two”. Well, I can, because that’s the only thing I know, the only constellation I am familiar with. Being just two.

Over the time I realized, that being two in the After isn’t exactly the same. I know being two in the Before and the In-between with the perspective of becoming three. But to be honest, I don’t have a clue how it is to remain as two.

We are not the same either. We have changed, I have changed, my perspectives on life, my feelings, suddenly new rooms open up, rooms I don’t know yet, empty ones. It feels like moving into a new house without even owing any furniture for it. Everything is new, different, there are even rooms without a name yet.  Now it is up to us to decide how we want to “furnish” ourselves.

There is the new room Friday night for example. In the time of the Before a Friday evening was predestined to going out for dinner, meeting with friends, going out at night, and probably sleeping the next day. Or having tons of things to do.

During the In-Between Friday night meant for me going to bed early, taking a breath, trying to get through everything somehow, to recharge my batteries for what would be coming up the next week. Sadness, hope, worrying, again sadness. I kind of dived into standby mode every Friday night.

And now?

Being in the After?

I'm not as exhausted as I was for weeks, months, almost years in the middle of it all. I don't need that many rest breaks anymore, because the greatest of all efforts, the hamster wheel has been over for some time, and I slide into what is the After.

But the After is not like the Before.

I ask myself, what do other people do Friday night? Bring the kids to bed, think through the upcoming weekend? The older one needs to go to soccer training, the little one wants to meet a friend, the next children’s birthday will come up soon and the grandparents also want to be visited. One is busy.

I could keep myself busy, the bathroom needs to be cleaned again, I need to get groceries, but besides that?  The perspective of going out to eat with friends hardly exists, because our friends are almost without exception busy with the fact that the little one doesn't feel like brushing her teeth and the older one wants to hear a bedtime story.

It feels so empty. That new Friday night room.

The Friday nights from the Before fell so shallow, so little colored. Do I really just want to go out to eat, drink wine, party? And if I wanted to, who would join?

I try to think about little things on Friday night. I feel that I regained my ability to concentrate on just one thing again. During the In Between that wasn’t possible.  I discovered books again. I enjoy going for a long walk at the river, riding my bike through town or sitting outside on balcony in the sun so much more than I did during the Before.

Most important of all, I feel how wonderful and precious the time is, I spend with my husband. The two of us, having dinner together on Friday night, telling us about our week, how we feel, what makes us happy. We have this new thing now, every night and especially on Friday nights, we tell each other at least one thing that was good that day and made us smile.

I try to consciously feel the moment, the free time I am having with the luxury that I do not have to fill that time with organizing family members or others. I have the freedom to do nothing. Or anything.

I can just try to be. In the moment.

In the Now.

What luxury.

Well, by saying this over and over again, it might actually feel like real luxury someday. 

With the little things, the big ones might follow. The Friday night room is getting some colors.

I will just keep going.