Monday, January 30, 2017

My beautiful doll

It is interesting how memory works. I completely deleted from my memory the fact, that when leaving my parents' house I left there (among the other stuff) my favourite doll that I got when I was six or seven.  

My mom found it the other day, washed it and asked me if I wanted to give it to my little niece (who is 5). I said to my mom that I would love my niece to have it, but that she should give it to her since she will see her sooner.  My mom did give it to the niece and the little one just loves it. 

How do I feel? 
The doll was meant for my daughter.

If this happened few years ago, when my older niece was little and when I was still in the middle of unsuccessful IVFs, it would break my heart.

But now? It is what it is. 
And I am somehow glad that there is a little child playing with my doll. Much better option then that I would put the beautiful doll someday to a trash bin.

Saturday, January 28, 2017

Being offended

I had such a weird conversation yesterday. I was invited with 10 coworkers to attend a special course, we learnt some new skills. 

There was our teacher for the day from another company, a guy in his late twenties, early thirties.

Before the course started we chatted a bit. Everybody started to ask me about Nina (=my coworker), if she did fly to New Zealand. I started to explain that I was so happy for Nina - since it was her first travelling outside Europe.

Obviously the young specialist did not know who Nina was, he wanted to be nice and to be part of the conversation so he asked me: "Who is Nina? Your daughter?"

I remained speechless for a second, but then I said the very first thing that came on my mind. I said to him: "Now you offended me."

He looked puzzled and said: "I don't understand."

I replied: "Yes, you are very young, so you don't understand."

Needless to say that my reply created a really awkward atmosphere. Silly me, why couldn't I just reply "No, she is my coworker"?

The reality is that even if I am 43, I still mourn the babies I never had. I still imagine myself with toddlers. And it is very cruel to be reminded that I don't look young any more.

When I told this to friends my age one of them replied that I really could have a daughter who would be travelling the world already. If I had her when I was 20, she would be 23 now.

But my calculation was different: the average age of woman in my country when she has a firstborn is 29. When the child  can afford to go travelling to the other part of the world, he/she needs a regular income, which is after the graduation from university, which is like 24. So whoever tells me that I look 10 years older then I am, offends me.


New Zealand has been on my top favourite travelling wish list, especially since I met Mali. This is such a lovely way to travel - when travelling includes meeting people that are close to your heart.

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

My veggies

I was so busy in the summer that I didn't even have time to post my beautiful veggie photos. I am attaching one summer photo.

Since I had so many zucchinis and peas, I put lots of it in the freezer; so I am enjoying in lots of veggie winter soups (and they taste so much better since I know that I grew the veggies, completely without any chemistry).

Thursday, January 19, 2017

All I want is...

I have been listening to this song a lot lately:

How I hope to listen to this song with my husband also when we are in our 80s.

My husband has had some changes on the skin, it is possible that he has skin cancer. He will get the results back within one month.   

I know that even if he has skin cancer, it is highly treatable. But I still worry....

It is just silly, to think about the silly things I worry sometimes. Being childless? Not a problem at all. All I want is to  have my husband in my life for many decades to come. 

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Invisible and unheard

I had a lovely support group during the times of IVF. I met some girls online and few of us started meeting. I really liked them, I don't know how would I go through all the difficult times without them. We hang out together for approximatelly five years.

We all went through at least 3 IVFs.  2 of the friends gave birth to children, 2 of the friends adopted internationally. I am the only one who remained childless.

As years passed by, all of them got very busy raising kids. They didn't have time for me. And I didn't have the strenght to remain in contact, their happiness was breaking my hearth and soul (I know that it sounds selfish, but I am writing the way I felt it).

One of friends sent an email to all of us this week, after not being in contact for few years, inviting us all for a dinner next week. All of them were happy of the invitation and confirmed the date.

I was also happy to get the invitation, but I couldn't confirm. I can't go there and listen to four friends updating each other about the last 5 years of their children's lives.

I politely replied that I would love to meet them, but that I prefer one-to-one meetings. Since whenever in the company of more mothers at once, I feel like an alien. 

Did anybody bother to reply back? No.
I felt so invisible and unheard.

I don't regret my decision of not going to dinner. I prefer to be alone then lonely among people.

Why I don't have children?

An adventure day with both older nieces (aged 7 and 9) was great.  We did lots of fun things together in just 4 hours.

When driving home suddenly the oldest niece asked me: "Klara, how come you don't have children?"
I replied that I will tell them about it when she is older.
Then also the little one became interested and wanted to know when would I tell them. I replied that when they are 12.
They protested - since it is impossible - they will never be 12 at the same time!
So I promised to tell them when one is 12 and the other is 14.
The older girl wasn't happy with the solution since it means she will have to wait 2 years longer.
I explained that - starting from now - they will both have to wait exactly the same time :)

The conversation didn't make me sad. But I just didn't want to open that topic with them, they are too young.

If I replied that I couldn't have children, they would insist to know why I couldn't have them.
One girl still believes in Santa Claus and the other still wants to believe....
I just didn't want to tell them that not all dreams come true.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Writing Your Way to Happiness

First of all: a Happy New Year to you, my reader! Wishing you good health, happiness, and success in the coming year and always.

I came across this article again:
Writing Your Way to Happiness

and I just love it. I agree with it completely.

How cool it would be if I read a sentence: 
In another study, researchers focused on childless women who were struggling to adjust to living without children. The study found that the women who took part in the writing felt much better  than those in a control group.
It is not written in the article, but it could easily be. 

PS: If you ever decide to start writing a new blog about childless living after the infertility, do share it with me please.