So, how many children do you have? Two?

I got a phone call today from one of the members of the board of the company where I work. I was surprised - big bosses never contact me directly (they actually never talk to me).  It turned out that he needed a little help - I went to his office just to make a phone call, using a foreign language that nobody in the top management speaks.  Purpose of the phone call was to buy a present for his wife (5 year anniversary of the wedding, already two lovely kids - I saw their photo on the screen of his computer). 

We started to talk a bit about life outside the offices and we discovered that we both like the same type of houses. We discussed advantages of prefabricated houses and then suddenly came the question.

He asked: "So, how many children do you have? Two?"
Me: "No. We don't have any kids. We need a house just for the two of us."
He (meaningfully): "I see... you decided to wait a bit."

(total shock: it really is a course if you are aged 40 and look like 35.... he thought that our plan was to build a house first and THEN have children).

Me: "No, we are too old for that."

He was confused first. Then he looked into my eyes and instantly realized that this is a subject I do not wish to discuss further. So he just changed subject to a safe subject. And I was grateful for that. 

I really admire this man's IQ and EQ. Not many people have both of them.

Klara is coming!!!

My brother told me an extra cute story today.

He told his daughter (aged 5) few days ago that somebody would visit her later on in the afternoon and that she had to guess who was coming.

My niece said she needed some extra help.

My brother described the person: "It is a girl that you like a lot."

My niece than said (without thinking): "Klara is coming!!!"

***
She guessed wrong, some other relative came that day. 

When my brother told me this story, my heart melted. It is lovely to have a niece.

Growing my vegetable

I haven't written a lot lately. Reason: I am very busy with planting everything on my vegetable garden. It is hard work, but I love working in the garden anyway.

The majority of my friends / colleagues with kids do not have vegetable garden since they literally do not have any available free time.

It was not my choice to be childless. I am taking the advantage of using my free time well.

One thing that is my top favourite to grow is basil. I love basil. I can not imagine my cooking without fresh basil. I grow it on the balcony and also in the garden.

Our favourite dish in summer is: spaghetti with home made pesto genovese.
(recipe for pesto genovese: http://www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/vegetables-recipes/pesto)

Bike

It was a great sunny day yesterday. I went cycling for the first time this year and it was lovely. I made the first 24 kilometers.  

It was lovely to be on fresh air, doing something good for my body. 

Who is next?

A coworker of mine had a good-bye party since she is leaving for one year (she is having a baby at the end of May). 

I was happy for her. I really was. She never said or did anything that would hurt me.

But what I hated is the small talk at parties. The question that different people asked (as part of a joke / part of something that is usually asked at good-bye parties like that):

So, who is next???

How I hate this question. I am not the next. I will never be the next.

I excused myself from a party as soon as I could. I went to my desk to pretend to work (I couldn't really work since the office was overcrowded) and listened to Rolling Stones. 

One life & taking care of my body

I literally did not have any time for infertility thoughts this weekend.

I worked whole weekend in our garden, together with my DH (garden is completely my "project", the only time I need his help in early spring, to prepare the soil).

I love watching Croatian TV show "The gardener" - file attached. I learned so much! And I still have so much to learn.

I already bought The juice master. I just can not wait to start juicing my Swiss chard and spinach and carrots and other vegetables.

I have only one life. And my body is the only place where I can live. So, I am planning to take good care of my body.

The Hundred-Year-Old Man: Who Climbed Out of the Window and Disappeared

I just finished reading this book and really loved it.

The main caracter lived more then 100 years. He never had kids. Kids or regret-of-never-having-kids do not appear in this book. So, the book is completely safe to read also for childless person like me. 

I love author's intelligent & witty style of writting.

I read the book in English - it costs 9 EUR, I haven't actually bought it, my friend lent it to me. The book was just publised in our country, the selling price is 29 EUR (disadvantage of living in a country with population of 2 million that has unique language. So, I am really lucky to speak English :) 

Forbidden question

I attended a workshop today. There I met a colleague (works on same area of work as I do, just for another company. My age. 3 children under 7). We have known each other for 15 years, she is my age. I used to meet her on different work related events more often in the first 10 years, now I haven't seen her for the last few years. We sat together during the workshop and were talking lots of different work related topic when she suddenly asks: "And - how are your children?"

How I hate this question. It has been a while since I last heard it, but it makes me angry anyway.

I replied: "Why are you asking me this question?". And I was staring her directly in her eyes. If she made me feel awkward, I was entitled to do the same.

She asked (very very confused): "But - you do have children, don't you?".

Me: "No. I hate being asked this question."

Then she apologized.

*****
I know she will always think that I am weird. But I don't care. Really. 

Why couldn't she ask: "Do you have children?". It is so easy to reply no and that solves a problem.

Please please God - can you make sure that nobody ever again asks me how my children are.

***
(Because the next time somebody asks me that I will tell that 10 of them lived for couple of days and now they are all dead.)

Not all dreams come true

We bought our beloved Wolf after 2nd failed IVF. That was time that we were still 100 % sure that IVF treatments would work for us, we just have to try few more times.

The Wolf was never meant to be a replacement for our child. We imagined our life this way:

First comes love,
then comes marriage,
then comes dog,
then comes baby
in a baby carriage.

Few years ago, when I was in middle of IVF treatments, I watched hundred times the attached video. I loved it. I imagined how lovely would it be to watch our dog and our baby play together.

Not all dreams come true.

Old pregnant celebreties and feeling sorry for my broken eggs

I hate when celebrities aged 45+ are announcing their pregnancies (I don't want to attrack attention of Mr. Google, so I won't write down any names).

It just gives wrong impression to the society - that anybody can get pregnant at any time.

If my eggs weren't good enough to get pregnant when I was 30, it for sure won't happen when I am 40.

The way back

After two years of waiting to find this movie, we watched this movie yesterday. It is splendid! I really recommend it.

I love movies that make me think.  

To start with - I am happy that the days of communism are over (at least in my part of the world). Hopefully for good. How horrible was it to live in that times!

How easy is my life compared to the lives that main characters of the movie had.

My dealing with infertility? Really - no big deal! 

If those man could walk 4000 miles from Siberia to India.... I will be able to walk out the black hole of my infertility, back to the happy life I used to have.

***
I just returned from a short walk with my beloved Wolf. It was lovely. I am so happy that he is still around.

Living happily ever after (after stepping out of crazy IVF-train)

I spent 6 whole years for 10 IVF attempts, so you can imagine I spent lots of time reading various forums that have only one topic: how to make IVF work out.  As years were passing by, I felt heartbroken & cheated. Why did it seem that IVF works for everybody except me?

For me the important step to recovery was that I stopped reading those IVF-forums. It was not easy to stop. Luckily I found also some great blogs (living happily after infertility) and they really helped. 

I never ever have a wish to check "old" forums any more. I just don't want to know about all the babies born with IVFs. I am happy for all the parents who found their happiness.

I am on a way to find my own happines. It will be different, but not less beautiful.

Think...

This will be my motto for today!