You are on earth to be the sun

You are on earth to view the sun.

You are on earth to track the sun.

You are on earth to be the sun

that shadows always shun.

 

Na svetu si, da gledaš sonce.

Na svetu si, da greš za soncem.

Na svetu si, da sam si sonce 

in da s sveta odganjaš sence.

 

Tone Pavček, Slovenian poet

It is a beautiful Saturday morning, I have just returned from a long walk in the woods. And I felt like sharing a beautiful Slovenian poem with you.

What can I tell you about a childless life after infertility? Not much, obviously, because I haven't felt the need to write for a long time.

But there was one brief, beautiful moment in the swimming pool that I wanted to share with you.

My 50th birthday is coming up and I've decided that I'm not going to just think, read and write about things. I will try to live and do things more actively.

I went (alone) to a local swimming pool to have a swim. I love swimming! I was swimming when a little girl (she was about three years old) noticed me wearing a pink hat and said to me: "You have a hat." I smiled at the girl and replied, and she smiled back and asked, "Why? For the next hour, whenever we met, she smiled. And I smiled back.

It felt so good to smile at the child.

For a whole decade I was so heartbroken that I couldn't smile at anyone. Especially not a child.

The pain of childlessness hasn't gone away. It will always be a part of me. But the good thing is that it doesn't hurt anymore. It has become a vital part of me.  It has made me softer, gentler, kinder and wiser.  


PS: I took a photo in Paris a few days ago. It is so good that I can travel for work (again)!

Silly people, silly questions & some beautiful photos

Have I ever told you that I live only a 3-hour-drive from Venice? Lucky me :) 

***

I wish to share a silly story with you.

At the toilet in our company a coworker asked me out of the blue: "I never know - do you have children and not?"

And replied: "Not."

She stared at me so I added: "Unfortunatelly not."

She said to me (she is around 45): "Well, not yet."

I guess I looked at her pretty angrily since this is the stupidest thing one can say to an infertile childless woman who is almost 50. 

The coworker added: "Nowadays this is trend, celebrities getting children when 50."

I didn't comment. I didn't want to go into discussion that I am not a celebrity and that surrogacy and things like that do not interest me.

And the silly woman couldn't keep her mouth shut. She asked me: "You never thought about adopting?"

Today's moments are tomorrow's memories

 

Highlight of any trip to Italy?  A cappuccino & brioche! 

I loved the quote in the cafe! 

***

I talked to an ex-coworker, a mother of two teenage girls. I love her but at the same time she was the most annoying of my coworkers - talking constantly about all the lovely time she has with other "mommy friends" - friends, she met through her daughters. 

Long story short - yesterday she was pretty desperate. Her daughters don't get along with the friends from their childhood so slowly also friendships with the mothers of those friends are drifting apart. My friend is desperate about this. 

I just listened.

But I didn't feel sorry. If only she knew how many times I was excluded just because I am childless and I don't belong. 

I looked back to my life and felt proud. There are many friendships I cherish and treasure. They were made because I am me and not because I am someone's mom. 

 

A letter to me and a hospital car park (written by Patricia Faulks)

In my day, as a young girl, child, I had no idea of where babies came from, I'd played with dolls  but I knew I'd have them.  I went on assuming I'd have kids. They'd materialise.  So to stop and prepare for the world crashing down when we found out we, my ex partner and I, couldn't have them.  I wish someone had said something like the following to me after we'd done weeping in the hospital car park after learning our childless fate and being left 'to it'. 

Some time later, I'd say -I know how much you love children, babies.  Well then, you must hear this, continue to love them but don't be needing them. Many folk don't nowadays - need them.

So you see, although babies are necessary to keep the  world turning,  not all of us need to or be able to have them.  And it will not matter one bit.  It will not matter because we childless will be indispensable.  We're very useful when we have no kids.  YOU will be in quite a priviledged position.  You will grow with the freedom of being able to be just you and not just someone's mother.  YOU.

There'll be pressure. No children? Why not? Not having kids? Why not? And you will answer - we couldn't have children. You won't fudge it. We couldnt have children. No discussions, no shall we shan't we. None of that.  Your decision'll be made for you and that decision may well be made for a reason. Not simply it wasn't meant to be, but it was meant to be.  Take your message to the world - it's not compulsory to have babies, children.  It's not compulsory to think that's the only way to fulfillment. Sometimes it's not possible. And see it as a responsible thing A caring thing.

You may decide to  be a warrior for the childless and childfree.  The message of responsibility to yourself, the unborn child, the planet.  Your wellbeing. Taking the message of childlessness out to the uninformed. That'll be you.  You're childless so listen up world.   You'll love being a voice won't you? See how you can fill, nay, use that 'gap'? See how so many of your childless 'sisters' and indeed 'brother's' are working hard to unite that voice? The childless are coming eh? YOU..

Learn everything there is to learn.  Without children.  Learn to be independent. Love being independent.  Without children.  You will be free to be you.  Not defined by being mother, not defined by having three kids, but YOU.  Having no children will make you very special in your own way.  Some inspiring people will tell you that. In turn You must tell lots of people.

You will matter and you'll matter because you don't and couldn't have children. But you will be special.  You will hear that message. Your childlessness does not define you.  Special -

Believe it.  Because it will be true. 

written by Patricia Faulks, author of the blog:  https://www.justmeandlilley.co.uk/ 

***

During Christmas holidays I listened to Gateway Elderwomen: https://gateway-women.com/childless-elderwomen/ 

I loved listening to it, there is so much wisdom there! I came across Patricia's letter to her younger self and I loved it so much that I asked her if I was allowed to share it here. 

 

Baking a traditional potica

 

I bought myself a wonderful new year gift: a traditional round baking tray made of clay. 

Baking potica is part of every Slovenian holiday. It was delicious!

The books

I love having time for reading books. 

I have just read the novel Violeta (I loved it), written by one of my favourite authors, Isabel Allende. 

I found a beautiful quote there: 

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" 

Mary Oliver

And here is a quote from the novel:

"I only regret that you didn't have children, but we can't always get what we wish for in this world."

Exactly! 

(the novel isn't about childlessness at all)

Happy & Healthy New Year!

I wish all my readers a very Happy & Healthy New Year! 

I had nice December. I decided I am done skipping life so I attended almost all the parties I was invited to. It felt nice, being part of life.  

I found new strategies to avoid small talk that hurt (like parents starting a topic how you don't know the real meaning of life until you have children). I slipped away from that conversation and joined colleagues on the dance floor. I love dancing! And nobody can hurt me with words there! 

I sent also a lot of holiday greeting emails and texts and I got many back. Most of them were lovely. One wasn't. It was a group text written by a friend (but not a close one):

... I wish you a happy new year. May your children be healthy and I wish you are never lonely...  

I was a bit angry (for few minutes), but I didn't let that this silly text spoils my day.

*** 

Have you heard about Chatgpt? 

I logged into the chat and asked: What can I say to a childless woman?

Here is AI advice:

It's important to be sensitive and respectful when speaking with someone who is childless. Here are a few suggestions for things you might say to a childless woman:

• "I'm here for you if you ever want to talk about anything."
• "I can't even imagine how hard this must be for you."
• "I'm here to support you in any way that I can."
• "I understand if you don't want to talk about this, but please know that I'm here for you if you change your mind."
• "I'm so sorry that you're going through this."

It's also important to remember that everyone's experience is different, so it's okay to ask the person how they are feeling and if there is anything specific that they need or would like to talk about. It's always okay to show your support and concern, but be sure to respect the person's boundaries and preferences.

 

So - here is the proof. AI is way more sensitive as my friend is! 

 

*** 

I am attaching few photos from Ljubljana city centre, I went for a walk on the last day of 2022 with darling husband. It was a lovely walk, the city centre of Ljubljana is just magical with all the Christmas lights. 

 *** 

I got only one email this year (as per my Christmas wish). 

I will be glad to get an email also in January. Or February :)