Friday, March 28, 2014

Why doesn't Klara have children?

I spent the last few days in Italy, visiting some clients. I was alone. I had really lovely time. The more I am discovering Italy, the more I love it. 

I have learned so much from Italians. For example: 
- only Italians know how to prepare the cappuccino
- extra virgin olive oil is essential part of every dish 
- the best dishes are very simple ones (photo was taken in summer: delicious bruschetta) 
- when you meet people you know, kisses are essential part of greeting 
- hanging out with family and friends is the most important part of life 

There is one hotel where I usually stay when being in Friuli Venezia Giulia. I feel like at home there. Recently I discovered that they have a nice jogging path close by. It is lovely to start the day by jogging! 

I was already in the office yesterday and my favourite coworker (few years younger, also childless-not-by-choice) told me about the lunch she had while I was absent.

There was group of coworkers that went to lunch together. And there was also one student (aged 26) that joined them. They were eating and then suddenly the student said: "I never asked Klara, but how come that she doesn't have children?". My favourite coworker just responded "I don't know." One another joked (I love him for this joke!) that she probably listened to another coworker who constantly complains what a hard work is having children and she decided not to have them. The others just looked at her at the odd way meaning like - can't you know what is appropriate to ask and what isn't. But the student didn't give up and kept asking how long had been Klara married already. And somebody just replied that for all detailed marital information she has to ask Klara :)

At the end of the lunch this stupid & rude student followed my childless coworker and she asked: "Well, I didn't ask you, how come that you don't have children?"

And my witty coworker just replied: "Well, you didn't ask." And with that she ended conversation.

My childless coworker told me this story yesterday evening, when we shared a bus ride back from the office. We laughed about it. It is good, when infertility doesn't hurt that much any more, when you can already laugh about it. 

Now I have some time to get prepared for some witty answer when the rude student decides to ask me directly. Ideas welcome :)

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Chère Irouwen & chère Kaymet: Merci beaucoup de tout mon coeur!

I was deeply touched this morning when I discovered that one of my bloggie friends from France posted this on her blog:

Somebody from France has seen it (and she happens to be a good photographer) and offered to visit the grave, lit one candle and take a photo. 

I have just written the first email in French in my life (I was learning French in high scool for 4 years, so I understand quite a lot, but I am not really able to speak), I sent coordinates of the grave. 

My father-in-law will be so happy. 

chère Irouwen & chère Kaymet,
beaucoup de tout mon coeur!


Saturday, March 22, 2014

The hardest part about not having children

I read a guest blog post on Life without a baby yesterday:

A wonderful interview! I felt like reading my answers few years ago. 

Especially I liked the answers to a question:  What’s the hardest part for you about not having children? Everything is so true for me (except number six).


I am two days late, but anyway.

I love the videos (I even spent some time dancing alone in our living room yesterday evening and today in the morning, it felt good). There are so many cities that I wish to visit one day.... 

Friday, March 21, 2014

Home, full of children's laughter (but only for 2 hours)

This is a photo of our table, taken yesterday. Yes, our living room was yesterday full of children's laughter and fun for two hours. It was lovely. 

I finished work early. And then I had my best friend's kids for two hours (aged 6 and 8). Our schedule was like this: 
1. half an hour of doing homework 
2. cycling to local bakery and each of us choose one delicious cake
3. eating a cake at home (them: in 2 minutes, me: in 5 minutes)
4. one hour of doing homework

The best compliment that I got was from the little girl. At the end I asked them if they want to repeat this in the future again. They both immediately said yes. I was glad, so I said that I will arrange with their mother in 14 days time or perhaps in 3 weeks time. Then the little girl immediately responded: "I want in 14 days!". I wasn't really sure if a child of 6 years understands what comes before: 14 days or 3 weeks. But the little girl is clever, she knows :)  

The kids enjoyed drinking tee from our cups with the photo of our beloved Wolf (otherwise they are afraid of dogs). When outside we met neighbors' dog (that resembles my Wolf). The boy asked me later if the dog has had any babies (he used this word). I said no. He asked, if she would have any babies. And I said no. His eyes got surprised and sad and he asked: "But why not?".   (just a note: when I was his age and also much older, I was also very sure that every living creature has babies). What a difficult question to answer. 
I explained that the dog is mixed breed, that she has one of the best homes possible (the owners really adore her), but if she had pups, it would be difficult to find good homes for them, because  a lot of people do not want dogs like that, so it is better that she does not have pups. 

Those two children are for me a symbol of how long, hard and painful my path of infertility was. When I learned that their mother is pregnant, my heart was crushed. When they were born, my heart was broken. The first few years when seeing my friend with the little ones, were really hard. 

But now I am OK. I am glad that they are here. And I am glad that they are mine, even if only once in a while.  

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Missing beloved Wolf

There were two pair of gloves in the box for dirty clothes, waiting to be washed from October on. I used them in winter or sometimes on cold mornings when walking beloved Wolf.  

The gloves were the only thing left that still had a smell of him. I wasn't ready to wash them until yesterday. Now they are dry already, so I kissed them, said goodbye and put them in the drawer. So sad!

With my beloved Wolf I learned how short and precious life is.   

My favourite post all times is this one: 

Yes, he really was the Master of Living in a Moment.

I miss him terribly. 

PS: the photo was taken in the nort-west of my country, the lake is in the middle of the national park. If / when you wish to learn more about the lake, I will be happy to tell you more:   klara.soncek (at)

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Happiness Is Just a Jog Away

What is the happiest moment of your childhood? 

Mine was when I was six and my cousin was born (we lived in the same house). She always felt like a sister to me. I loved her more than anybody else.

She was not really that close to my brother. 

So it really hurts to see that nowadays she visits my brother all the time and me hardly ever. I get it. They both have children similar age so it is perfect for them to hang out together.

I admit it. I am jealous and envious. I can imagine how many nice afternoons could I spend with her and her kids, if I had kids of my own.

Today I let myself to be miserable about it for fifteen minutes. Then I dressed my brand new Nike jogging wear (it is lovely) and went for a jog. Now I feel great.

This is my recipe for happiness: lots and lots of long walks / jogging / cycling. 

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Sunday photos

Some photos from today's walk in the capital, with my DH.

Our life is different as planned, prayed and hoped. But beautiful anyway.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Do I have any reader from Normandy?

to: my dear reader from Normandy 

My father-in-law is 85, and is very ill. It was only few days ago that we were able to locate the exact coordinates of the grave of his brother, that he lost during WWII.

I was there when he got coordinates. It was sad to see the pain in his eyes. He lost his brother almost 70 years ago, but he never forgot him. He told me how sorry he was that he never was able to lit a candle for him and visit the grave.  

If you live near Caen, I would be happy if you could lit a candle for my husband's uncle (it would be the first candle lit in 69 years) and send me a photo. 

my contact: 

Merci beaucoup!



My husband and I would love to visit Normandy one day, but it will not be for another couple of years.

Monday, March 10, 2014

So, be yourself. And be happy.

A dear pen-friend of mine recently sent me this article. I read it and I was deeply touched. It is beautifully written. 

The Rat Race

“Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!”—Dr. Seuss
It was about a year after I had gotten married, and I was hopelessly desperate to get pregnant. I looked around me at all the friends who already had children or were pregnant, and I felt despondent. I know it sounds dramatic, but I felt I could not handle the pain. I was certain I would sink into depression if I would not receive my personal redemption soon.
Around that time I was invited to dinner by one of my sisters-in-law, a mom to several adorable kids. After sitting at the dinner table for a few hours, our topic turned to me—specifically, to the fact that I wasn’t pregnant yet. She reassured me that I should just relax, enjoy my time with my husband, and in I could not handle the paingeneral not be stressed about it.
Then she told me that she, too, felt pressure every single day.
“Pressure? Pressure from who? Pressure for what?” I asked.
“From people around me. I walk in the street and feel inadequate. There is always something new out there to try, always something someone has that I don’t.”
I was bewildered. It was quite a frightening thought. I understood that societal norms push people to shape their lives in a certain way and in a certain timeframe. For example, in the community I live in, you are prepared to date and marry at quite a young age, and then to start a family shortly thereafter. However, when does it stop? I always believed that at some point you break free of what society expects of you, to live your life as you please. But apparently, this is not a given. Some people never stop reaching for more. Does the pressure ever stop?
Are we living in one long rat race?
It was a sobering thought. I got engaged at what society deemed an appropriate age, got married four months later, and then—and then what? Nope, pregnancy did not follow shortly thereafter. Others were sprinting ahead, while I was lagging behind.
That conversation forced me to dig deep into myself, reflect on what I thought was pain, and realize it was something different that I was experiencing.
We are brought into this confusing, fascinating, infuriating world for such a short amount of time, and it’s our mission to accomplish what we can for the several decades we are allotted. It’s like children released in a field strewn with candy, told they can keep any candy they find. The children run, desperate to find more and more and more candy. One is not enough, and neither is ten—because, look, one child has 20 already! Even if they are tired, even if they couldn’t possibly eat all that candy, they run, desperately seeking more.
Have Others were sprinting ahead, while I was lagging behindour lives been reduced to a rat race? Why are we always running, running, running? Always racing, scrambling, snatching? We should be slowing down, taking a second look at what we do have. Those silly children in the field don’t even get to eat their candy, so busy are they collecting more and more. We need to relax, take the time to unwrap our candy, eat it, savor it.
From that moment, I vowed not to continue the rat race. I would savor my life. I would take what I was given and enjoy it, and if I got more, I would praise G‑d for His kindness.
And I have. Oh, I have.
In the beginning, it wasn’t easy. It’s tough to kick a habit. Especially one that has been cultivated since I was born. But since I’ve made the effort to get out of the rat race, my life has gotten so much easier. I can honestly say I am in a much better place right now than I was a few years back. I’ve reached an inner peace that comes with being my own person, running my own program. I can also proudly say that I love my life, thank G‑d. Do I want a child? Of course I do. But I know now more than ever that it is because I want it, not because it is expected of me.
The Kotzker Rebbe once said, “If I am I because I am I, and you are you because you are you, then I am I and you are you. But if I am I because you are you, and you are you because I am I, then I am not I and you are not you.”
I think that’s a brilliant line.
So, be yourself. And be happy.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Just do it

For the last few years a friend of mine (mother of two) always invited me for a mini mini marathon (5 kilometers) organized by largest cosmetic store. I always declined invitation, with the same reason. I hate this event - since it is very popular with mums who get in shape after having a child. Some even jog with a toddler in a buggy. How horrible is that for an infertile woman? 

My friend tried with the invitation also this year, but I declined, as always. Then she tried another tactic - she invited me for a marathon that is at the end of October. It has three categories: 42, 21 and 10 kilometers. And I said yes - to the 10 kilometers. 

So far I have always jogged in cotton clothes. This week I spent  in Italy (for the first long business trip this year) and one evening I went to Nike's outlet shop and bought 9 different articles for running. Everything in black / pink / white  combination.  I paid almost 300 EUR, which is more than I earn per a week. But I felt really really happy about it. 

I am looking forward to lots of jogging this year! Today is a beautiful warm spring day, so it is just perfect for the first long jogging.

And 5 consecutive springs when March meant time for a new round of infertility drugs (having at least 40 injections) is just a horrible memory. I am so happy that it is over. For good.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

A new passion

Me and my DH have a new passion in life.
Watching the House of Cards.
We both love it! Kevin Spacey is really great.

A quote that I heard yesterday from the main character:   "I'm not going to lie. I despise children. There. I've said it."

I love children, well, at least most of them. But it is so refreshing to watch something  that really doesn't focus on children.