Wednesday, July 29, 2015

I only count the happy hours

Thank you for your kind comments and emails. I really appreciate them.

I've recently read Hilary Mantel's Giving up the ghost. I loved the quote "I only count the happy hours" so much. In situations like this, I need to focus on the happy hours.

And this is one of them - see the attached photo. Swimming with beloved Wolfie in my favourite alpine lake:
3-hour walk around the lake is my favourite walk ever. I can't wait that Wolfie grows up, so he will be able to walk the whole circle.

I am only 42 but still, owning a little house is very important for me. Also for DH.
It is our financial security for old age.
When the time comes,  we could sell it and buy nursing care for us.
It is awful that I think about aging now.
We are way too young to think and worry about that now.
It just plain sucks, to be childless-not-by-choice.
If I had children, I would be calmer regarding aging.
Now I just know that this is the time that we have to build our financial security for old age. There will be nobody for us then.
We will have only each other.

Our new plan for the next few years:
Work more. Earn more. Save more. Spend less. No more travelling.
Start the new process of buying something smart somewhere in the future.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015


I remember writing this post:

How I miss the time, when I regretted nothing.
I still don't regret swimming at that pool and loosing my fertility.
It is just damage done when travelling. And I love travelling so much.


Lately there is one regret that paralyses me.
Me and my DH bought small piece of land few years ago in order to build a house.
We were dealing with bureaucratic issues for the last few years.
And now it is clear that it will be impossible to build there for at least 2 -3 decades. Perhaps even more. Which means that we had thrown away 70.000 EUR. Which is huge amount of money considering that an average nett monthly pay in our country is 990 EUR.

We are angry at ourselves. Mad. Bitter.

We regret throwing that money away.

We regret not having any other option right now. And we need to do something. We really can not stay in the flat we live now (it is higher floor, lots of stairs, no elevator - we just can not stay old and childless in that flat).

I am having a bad day today. It will be a new day tomorrow.

Thursday, July 9, 2015


I love hot summer days. There are so much things to do. I always lack time in the summer. 

I am very well. Most of the time I am feeling happy, positive and just enjoying life. But then there are some events that remind me that I am not healed and I will probably never be.

I went cycling with my best girl-friend few days ago in the evening, when the heat was easier to handle. We both enjoyed our cycling & talking date a lot. I was telling her how lovely it is to have her back. When her kids were little, it was impossible for her to escape on Sunday evening for two whole hours. We talked, we laughed. Then, we passed by her parents' house and her mom was outside. My friend greeted her: "Hi granny."  It made me sad and angry. Why can't she address  her mom as she always did, as mom?  She is, after all, her mom. Her grannies died long ago. 

I didn't say anything. After all, I can't always give her instructions and limitations. And I know, I probably hurt her during the years of struggling with infertility (never on purpose, but I know I did, like declining to visit her when she was pregnant).


Opening the magazine and there was a title on it: "Kids change your black&white world to a colourful one".

I resent to accept any person with children to address my world as a black&white.


I met in the supermarket an ex co-worker who retired more then 10 years ago. I always liked her. I greeted her and asked her how she was. She proudly showed me her shopping chart - it was full of diapers (obviously I hadn't noticed that before). She said happily and proudly: "As you can see, I am very busy."   

It hurt. Not only that I will always miss having children. I will also miss having grandchildren. 

I recently read an article about a famous person, who was describing one of her dearest friends how lovely person she is.  "She is so kind that she asks everybody if they have children, even taxi drivers. And she wants to know the kids' names."

And you are calling that nice - bothering all the childless people if they have children??  I know people with kids love that question. But - we don't.  


Some days of working and then it is time for my favourite place on Earth: island Bra─Ź, Dalmatia, Croatia (one of the photos from previous years attached).