Saturday, May 28, 2016

Silver lining of childless life / Belissima Sicilia

Do you see the photos above? This is for me true silver lining of childless life. Having flexibility to travel.

I found out very last minute that I can go to Sicily on a business travel and so I went. I returned home yesterday. My time for sightseeing was very limited, but it was awesome, I enjoyed every minute of it.

I am attaching some photos. Some beautiful photos are missing, since I didn't have time to take them. Photos of fresh and delicious fruits that I bought on market. Photos of very sweet sweets (I love sweets, but Sicilian sweets are too sweet for me). And also poor and dirty streets 15 minutes away from Unesco city centre. 

I visited a church of Saint Agatha. As usual, I sat down and prayed. And then I made a wish. Not that long ago, my wish was always the same. I begged God to give us a child.

I am wiser now. When I pray, I wish health and happiness for me, my husband, my parents and all people that are close to me. I ended my prayer with a thought: "God, when I am very very old, I really wish to look back to my life and think: This is not the life I planned, but no other life would I love to have more." 

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Meet Elaine, new blogger who writes about life after infertility

Do you remember what I wished for Christmas? I got many kind emails that made my December meaningful. One of them was from Elaine, here are the kind words that she wrote me:

"I am still in recovery. One of the things that help me is your blog (and other blogs). It makes me feel less alone in my struggles. That's why I want to thank you for writing about infertility. It does make a difference. For me and many other women, I am sure."

I got a new email from Elaine today, I learnt that she started to write her blog and I am happy to share the link with you:

It is in German. The ones who don't speak German, don't let the language barier to prevent you reading the blog. It is great fun to follow the blog in foreign language with the help of google translate.

Dear Elaine - wishing you all the best! And since you live a driving distance away from me, I do hope we will meet one day for a coffee somewhere.

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Approved for adoption / Colour de peau: miel

I recently watched really great movie "Colour de peau: miel" . I think that it is translated in English as "Approved for adoption".

It is an autobiographic movie, combination of cartoon and movie and videos from adopted boy's childhood. It is just perfect.(and I enjoyed listening to French a lot).

There are tons of things what I liked about it. Usually when I read something about adoption, it was from parents who adopted. And here it is a story from the boy who was adopted.

The sentence that the adopted boy heard from his grandmother: "Sorry, I keep forgetting about your little Asian." hurt even me.

Years back, when adoption was still an option, I though about it, whether my parents would love my adopted child in the same way as they love my brother's children. My conclusion was, that they wouldn't.

Monday, May 16, 2016

The Reader

The Reader 

Having time to read: this is for me one of the biggest silver linings of my childlessness. 

I have just finished reading Bernhard Schlink's The Reader (I read it already a decade ago, I also watched the movie). It is brilliant. 

Don't ask me why I tend to choose novels about Holocaust lately. I don't know. Perhaps on some subconscious level I want to be reminded how dark world is and how easily it is to manipulate crowds to do evil things. When you see world as such, perhaps it is a blessing not having a child.
(and no, evil things aren't something from deep past. My uncle was kidnapped, tortured for two months and then murdered in the war in Bosnia. Only because he was muslim and because he was defending his village. It was heartbreaking to see my granny, she lived another ten years after loosing her youngest son, crying each single day for the last ten years of her life).

Saturday, May 14, 2016

100,000th pageview

My blog reached  100,000 pageviews today.

My dear readers - thank you for reading me (since it is no fun to write if nobody reads and nobody comments). Writing helped me a lot.   It is wonderful to connect with soulmates from around the globe. It is lovely not to feel alone. 

Thursday, May 12, 2016


I recently got an invitation from my cousin to attend her son's 4th birthday party. And some months ago I got an invitation to her daughter's 6th birthday party. I didn't go. I never did. Which means that there were already 8 kids parties that I skipped. I just couldn't attend. It is too hurtful to be in a room together with 10 other couples that all have kids. Except us.  

My cousin knows I will not attend. What I love about her is that she still invites. She doesn't delete me from her invitations guest lists as majority of other people.

I don't want to be an aunt who buys expensive gifts. I want to be an aunt who invites for adventure days. On Saturday, I invited the boy for a train ride to our capital. As soon as his sister heard about the invitation she wanted to join as well... so I invited her as well.

It was a lovely morning. We went for a walk. Visited a beautiful church. Attended kids' workshop outside. Went for an ice cream. Went to an awesome park for kids.

I took plenty of photos. Since my new plan is that for each niece & nephew I will make for his /her next  birthday a  special photo book, with photos that include moments with me.

Perhaps these future  4 photos books are my way of preventing fading memories.

I loved the quote I read today: 
I have no children. No grandchildren. I have many sweet relatives, but the memory of my life will fade for them quickly. I love them and they love me, but I am on the periphery of their lives. Children make your life important. But I have none.  
From a beautiful post The meaning of life:

Thursday, May 5, 2016

You're not You

We have watched the movie You're not You. It is brilliant, I loved both main characters.

ALS is a terrible disease, I am not comparing my struggles with main character's struggles. But still, parts of it sound familiar. How her wish about having kids was never realized. How she felt like an alien, coming to a friend's 5-year-old kid's birthday party or meeting a friend's newborn.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

The Room

I recently watch the movie The Room.
It is very good, I liked it a lot (I also read the novel couple of years ago, I liked it too).
This is actually the first movie about mother-child relationship that I truely enjoyed watching in the last 13 year.
(just a note: that's how much infertility damaged me; I can watch mother-child relationship only when the woman who is a mother had to experience something very difficult).

Monday, May 2, 2016

The Storyteller

The Storyteller

"Love isn't the only word that fails.
Hate does, too.
And hope. Oh, yes, hope.
So you see, this is why I never told my story.
If you lived through it, you already know there are no words that will ever come close to describing it.
And if you didn't, you will never understand."

I used the rainy long weekend for reading a beautifully written novel by Jodi Picoult.