A whole life

I just loved Mel's today's post:
http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2016/06/a-life/

Cycling to Austria

I cycled 194 kilometers in 2 days, including a very steep mountain pass between Slovenia and Austria. Here is a map of my cycling trip (in Austria I followed Drau Cycling Path):

More info at: http://www.drauradweg.com/en.aspx/Home/Index/24.06.2016/to/24.06.2017


I loved the first part of the cycling trip (beautiful mountains in Slovenia) and the last part (beautiful mountains in Tyrol, Austria) the most.

Here are some photos:

Slovenia:

 Austria:

I loved the freedom that I had for two days. I had no worries for the future. I had no regrets regarding the past. I enjoyed in the present. It was sunny and very hot, it was at times difficult path to cycle. So I focused all my energy and thought on the cycling path & beautiful sights I saw when passing through the landscape.  My pack had very limited space, so I had to think very carefully what to take with me. I had very few things, but I had everything I needed. I felt rich actually. To have the freedom to go wherever I wish. And to have health to be able to do things that I like. 

 

Sad because of Brexit results

I am sad that British are leaving EU. This is the end of the EU as we know it. And most of all, this is the end of dreams that there will be ever strong United States of Europe.

I don't blame British, I blame incompetent and bureaucratic and soft leading of EU.

In moments of disappointments like this I think that I am glad we don't have children. If we had had children, we would have really wished for them to grow up in United Europe. 

Goodbye for few days

Do you know what is a true beauty of owning a blog? You can put whatever you wish there.

I am attaching a trailer of the movie Brooklyn since I forgot to do it yesterday. The movie is so beautiful that I just can't put it out of my head. It is made differently as most of the movies lately, I loved it and so did  my husband.   

I am saying goodbye for few days. I am leaving tomorrow to go cycling alone for few days, to a country that is also on the list of 11 safest countries of the world. I will be back with plenty of beautiful photos.

The 11 safest countries in the world

I am very lucky to be born in a country that belongs to a group of 11 safest countries in the world:
http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/the-11-safest-countries-in-the-world-a7089106.html

What we lose and what might have been pales against what we have

A dear pen-friend of mine suggested me a book "An invisible Thread", so I read it. It is beautiful true story, about friendship between childless woman and a young boy. I understood writer's feeling, when you are childless, you need to matter in someone's life.

"An invisible thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, and circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle. But it will never break."
- Ancient Chinese proverb

The part of the book that touched my heart most is the part where the author writes about her dreams (she wanted to have children of her own, but her husband, who already had 2 children from previous marriage, was firmly against it).

"When I turned forty-two, I realized I'd all but run out of time to have two kids. Even if I could somehow miraculously convince Michael to change his mind, I'd probably only be able to have one child. It struck me that this would be selfish - that I'd be thinking only about myself and not about the child. I don't remember when exactly it happened. Maybe there wasn't a single moment, or day, or week. But over time, the dream that for years had been a nearly consuming passion simply ceased to be.

All of our stories, as much as they are about anything, are about loss. And, perhaps, they are about what might have been. I wanted happy, loving parents who danced waltzes in the living room. I wanted children of my own, desperately. We all want relationships that are healthy and resolved, and sometimes that simply doesn’t happen. But the beauty of life is that inside these disappointments are hidden the most miraculous of blessings. What we lose and what might have been pales against what we have.” 
- Laura Schroff, An Invisible Thread

Had I not created my whole world

"Had I not created my whole world, I would certainly have died in other people's."

I just loved Anais Nin's quote that I found on Elaine's latest post: 
http://www.elaineok.com/die-eigene-welt-erschaffen/ 

 
I loved Elaine's post, it is worth putting her text in google translate and read it. Just beautiful written. I felt as reading my own feelings from 10 years ago.

Brooklyn

I was reading one of this month's Times, on the cover was beautiful actor Saoirse Ronan. I remembered watching her movie Atonement that we both liked. So we found a new movie that she plays in it as well, Brooklyn and watched it tonight. We liked Brooklyn as well. 

I am a gift?

I got an excellent news this week. The 16-year-old boy whom I taught English & German this year got good final grades. I didn't really like that boy at first, when we started, more than a year ago. He was a terrible rebelious teen. But during the last year he changed, I really like him now. I guess that during 100 hours of learning together I got used to the kid. I won't see him now for three months and it is silly, but somehow I miss him.

I got a beautiful text from the boy's mother (only two years older then me)  few weeks ago, saying "You are a wonderful gift for our family." I was deeply touched. And since then, this thought hasn't left my mind.

This was always the concept how I envisioned my life: I always did the right things, was hard working, finished with good grades secondary school and then university. I started to work (and have been working now without a break for 18 years). Met the love of my life, got married. And somehow I just expected, since everything always went so smoothly, that I am just entitled to get a gift. Our child.

I got it all wrong. There isn't such thing as being entitled to a gift.
But, perhaps I can be a gift to someone?
Perhaps I already am?

(I definetely was a gift for the snail that I saved from a road today, when cycling : )

Childless sister & aunt no one cares

Somebody googled today "childless sister & aunt no one cares " and found my blog.

As always, I wonder who this visitor is and where she comes from. I hope she found some comfort in my writing. 

Grey hair

Not that long ago, whenever colleagues at work were discussing problems with raising kids they usually commented something like "You will see when you have kids."  I never commented anything, I just smiled (I guess it was either a sad or a bitter smile or both).

This week, two coworkers were discussing how was their night. Both children were vomiting so they slept very badly. One coworker looked at me and said: "We should stop talking about these details, Klara never needs to hear about it, it is boring."

Her comment was so matter of fact. We never discussed anything really personal. But she just said it - between the lines - matter of fact - that I will never have children. Since I am too old to have children. This is absolutely true. But it still hurts to realize that somewhere between waiting for a child that never came I got old.

All coworkers of course know I am over 40. And they see my partially grey hair (somehow I can't decide to start colouring it, perhaps I don't want to look younger than I really am).

There was no malice in my coworkers comment. It stung a bit. But it didn't really hurt. It is what it is.

A day later,  I went with this colleague (32, mother of a 2-year old child) to a business event for two days. We had a lovely time together actually.

Since I was driving this time, I drove her home with company car. She invited me to go to her home to meet her husband and a baby. My first instinct was that I should decline invitation. But somehow that seemed impolite, so I went. I played with her beautiful daughter for ten minutes, it was nice. In the darkest days of infertility I couldn't play with someone else's kid. But now, that I am almost cured, I really know and feel that because what my colleague got (=a picture perfect little kid) I didn't loose anything. There is no such thing as limited number of babies.  But there are something as broken tubes because of swimming in polluted swimming pool in Australia and ovaries that got too old to produce anything.

Precious life

My mom's best friend, who recently lost her daughter in a car accident, gave a photo of her daughter to my mom, to give it to me.  I was deeply touched. 

Photo of a pretty young woman is now on my fridge, reminding me how precious life is. It will be there for  a while, I will put it in my album later on.

On Hope (written by Elaine)

In general, hope is considered as a positive concept. In my country (Switzerland) we say: "Where there is hope, there is a way". I do think it is often true, but not always.

Actually, I even think that hope can become destructive. Especially when this hope has not been fulfilled for a very long time. It somehow turns bitter. At least that is what it did in my case when we could not have children after years and years of trying.

Towards the end of infertility treatments, I realized that continuing treatments would have kept the hope alive, but it would never have been a guarantee for holding a baby in my arms. Before that, I kind of thought I paid that price (i.e. the operation, the treatments) for the baby itself. But all we got was the hope. And honestly, that hope got smaller with every cycle and every disappointment, while the price seemed to rise higher and higher. I even came to the point where I caught myself thinking "Why should it work this time? It didn't work last time either."

So when we said goodbye to hope, it was a relief in some ways. Giving up this hope also meant that we had to grieve. And that was no fun at all.

Thankfully, I got through the worst of the grief. I started to feel better. Then, something unexpected happened. I wonder whether others have experienced the same? While I had given up hope, a very close friend of mine would not. She continued mentioning that she still believed I would be a mother one day. She would look up alternative treatments, natural medication and things like that. I told her that it was okay if she wanted to keep that hope for me, but that she should please understand that I had to let it go. It was a question of survival. She said she understood. But she kept mentioning it all the same. Again and again. Until the day I told her that this was doing no good to me.

Then there was my aunt. I have not seen her in years, but we do write each other for Christmas and birthdays. Last December, I wrote to her that the year 2015 had been a tough year for us because we had to let go of the dream of having a family. I am sure my aunt meant well. She answered "I would not give up just yet". As if that hope had only been there for a short time. As if it had not been honoured the way it should.  

I never responded to that. I do not expect her to understand. Some people do not realize that by the time you are able to tell them that you will never have children, a lot has happened. Years of hoping, of treatments, tears and continuous disappointment. It is not like we got our diagnosis and accepted it right away.

Somehow, in our society, people think that hope is always the right answer. It is not. Sometimes hope is just plain wrong.

I still think that the healthy kind of hope exists. The hope I have now is completely different: I hope for a fulfilled life, even without children. It's the kind of hope that makes life better, not worse.

written by guest blogger Elaine 
http://www.elaineok.com/ 

Photos on mobile covers

I have been doing very well lately.  But then out of the blue there is something that hurts me.

We had a whole day meeting in the company; I was sitting with colleagues that I don't see very often. Since the meeting was a bit boring from times to times, all of us were checking from time to time our mobiles. At one point I realized that literally all people around me have on mobile covers photos of their kids. It is like an unwritten rule, if you have a child, he/she is always on your mobile cover. 


Once again, I felt very different. No photo of a cute kid on my mobile cover.

After sitting for 10 hours, I came come, changed and went jogging.... just to shake sad thoughts away. It helped.