Dedek Mraz

This is a post I wrote exactly one year ago: http://thenext15000days.blogspot.com/2011/12/ded-moroz.html 

This year I invited two of my nieces to the celebration of Dedek Mraz. My brother's daughter (5 years) didn't want to go (she prefered to stay with her parents). But my sister's daughter (3 years) was hardly waiting for it.

I had her for 4 hours and it was picture perfect. We took a train to the city centre. We had a walk around beautiful Ljubljana. We went to McDonald's for a Happy Meal (yes, I know it is not healthy, but aunts are alowed to spoil nieces). And we saw Dedek Mraz and all magic & kind creatures.

On the train ride back home I asked her which thing she loved the most and she said very loudly: "Klara!". What a beautiful compliment! She really is a picture perfect kid.

When I had the first few really dark years of dealing with my infertility I never thought it would be possible for me to go on a event, dedicated strictly for kids and their parents and to really really enjoy it.

It was beautiful afternoon. But now I am really tired. Can't wait for my DH to come home, so we will enjoy a quiet evening in front of TV.

Adoption? No, I will stay childfree, thank you (part II)

I spent few days working on a project together with a colleague from other company a month ago. I knew she was my age before meeting her. When spending so much time together it is hard to avoid any personal topic so very soon came the inevitable "Do you have any kids?". I briefly replied that we tried and couldn't.

It turned out that both of her two sons were conceived by IVF. 

The next topic that she opened was: "So, have you thought about adopting?". 

I replied briefly that adoption is not something we consider.

She started to make lots of really long arguments why we should adopt. She explained that is she couldn't have her own children, she would adopt.

I explained that this is also what I thought & felt few years ago. And now, when I am facing either living childfree life for ever or making a decision to try to adopt, I chose (together with my husband) the first option.

Because now I feel differently as I did few years ago. And this is something that ex-infertiles can not understand. Feelings & emotions change. 

The other large discussion that we had was the nature versus nurture debate. I strongly believe that genes determinate the vast majority of someone (and with this belief it is really hard to decide for an adoption).

Anyway, this discussion took place a month ago, before my decision not to discuss adoption issue with anybody, who has children.

***
Have you ever heard about stolen babies in Spain:
http://edition.cnn.com/2012/04/25/world/europe/wus-spain-stolen-babies/index.html

Thousands of babies were stolen... up to the year 1990.  How could something like that happen in Western Europe, not long ago? 

Foreign adoption was not really an option, not for us.
How could we be sure that a child was not taken from her/his mother in an illegal way?

Home, sweet home

I have some great news to share.

Few days ago me & my DH bought a small piece of land. We were looking for it for more then 5 years, but couldn't decide for before we found the right one. It is sunny, in a beautiful village, close to the capital and really close to beautiful forrest for long walks.

Now we are living in a small apartment. It is OK since we are not home much. But we would both love to live in a house.

It will be a huge investment (and it will take up to 10 years before we finish it). I love discussing all the aspects with my DH. And we both agree, that since not having children, there will be no one to look after us when we are old. So owning a house represents a financial security for us.  Our plan is to sell the house when we are 80 and go to a home for elders.

Now we are in the middle of thinking whether to decide to build a house or to buy a prefabricated house. I would love to hear, how it is in your country. Regarding new houses: are there more prefabricated houses or built houses?

PS: I am attaching a model of a prefabricated house that we both like.

Argentina

I spent quiet Christmas, just the two of us and beloved Wolf.  We went for a really long walk. Walking the dog is the best therapy ever.

I was thinking about the best moments I had so far with my DH. A lot of our best moments happened while travelling... so I hope there are lots of travelling is waiting for us in the next few decades.

I am attaching some photos from Argentina. We just loved Patagonia and lakes around Bariloche. We went there after second failed IVF, as a therapy for my broken heart.

A merry Christmas & a happy New Year

My dear bloggie friends,
I wish you all a merry Christmas & a happy New Year.

When I was younger, I loved to add in my Christmas cards a sentence: "May all your wishes come true." I don't use that sentence any more. I learned that not all wishes come true. And it is OK as well.

I am enjoying my 9-day-holiday. It is lovely.

Christmas greeting cards? No, not this year.

I went shopping for Christmas greeting cards and I picked the ones above.
I liked them, because they are happy & full of colors.
Just before paying I realized that on all of them there is the same motive: mother & father & 1 or 2 or 3 kids.
I returned the greeting cards and walked out of the shop with empty hands.

No Christmas cards, at least not this year.

Adoption? No, I will stay childfree, thank you.

I had two quite unpleasant conversations about adoption in the last month. Both with colleagues from work.

First, the second conversation (since it was more disturbing), from last week (it happened after a client commented very rudely that it was high time that I had children).
(the post about it: http://thenext15000days.blogspot.com/2012/12/this-is-my-favourite-time-of-year-to-be.html )

Anyway, when we went from the client, my colleague asked me: "So, did your husband change his mind about adoption?" 

I: "I haven't changed my mind. Nor did he."
She: "I think you should adopt."
I: "Why should we?"
She: "You would be happier".
I: "I am happy. It just pisses me off when I get comments like now. And it pisses me of, when everybody thinks that adoption is magical solution for everybody. It is not."
She: "I think you should adopt."  
I: "We decided not to adopt (=quick list of all the reasons why we do not wish to adopt, among them is also a reason that there literally are no children available in our country and we do not feel like going to Russia and buying a child for 30.000 EUR since we doubt that everything is legitimate there.") .... Besides that, we have all together 6 nephews / nieces, so we have company of children when we want to."
She: "But - having nieces & nephews is not the same".
I: "Neither is adopting. I just know that deep in myself an adopted child could never heal the desire of having our own child. "

..... lots of lots of discussion, already forgot a lot of it

She: "I think you should adopt. Or take foster children"
I:   "Why don't you?"
She:  (shocked by the question) "But - I do have my own children!"
I: "And - this is exactly what I wished for. If I couldn't get them, it is my choice to stop there and live happily childfree ever after."
She: "But - you are supposed to do something good for someone."
I: "Really? Just because I am infertile, I am expected to be a Samaritan?"

(just a note: the most horrible thing is to take foster children and then have a broken heart when you have to return them)

***
What is wrong with people? Why can't they leave me alone?

If I was really mean, I could hurt this coworker really badly. She just lost her brother two years ago. She knows what grief is (but is only able to understand her own grief).
I could suggest her to borrow (for example) my brother once every month - so she would have a brother too. 
I am not mean. I did not comment anything about her brother. I just asked her politely to appreciate my decision. Because, my life is mine. And my decisions are mine to make.

First New Year resolution: I will never ever discuss adoption with anybody.
Exception: childless friends.

First Blog Anniversary

It is exactly one year since I started to write my blog. Here is a my first post:
http://thenext15000days.blogspot.com/2011/12/living-new-happy-life-after.html

Writting a blog has really helped me!


I will be happy to get your comments also in the future. It is nice feeling - not to be alone!

And - I would be happy to get some emails from you:

klara.soncek   (at)   gmail.com



Looking forward to your comments & emails :)

Life after infertility

I got my period today. My first thought was: Great! I will be without it on 31st of December (I am planning short holidays with DH). It will be more romantic without it :)

Then I remembered of all the pain and grief that the first day of period caused me for many long years, each month.

How happy am I that those dark years are over! 

*** 

For the ones who are not there yet: Life after infertility does get easier and more beautiful.

Looking forward to May

Two days ago I got  wonderful news. A dear friend of mine is coming with her DH to Dubrovnik in May. Can't wait!!! We are taking some days off to meet them there.

Dubrovnik (on the photo) is one of the most beautiful towns that I have ever seen. It lies approx. 700 kilometers from our home, so it is more then a decade since I visited it the last time.

More info about Croatia: http://croatia.hr/en-GB/Homepage 
(I had seen some seas... and the most beautiful sea (at least for me) is Dalmatia.)

Emilie

This is the first photo of a child that was killed in Newtown that I have seen. Beautiful child. How could anybody harm any child?

***
Compared to tragedies like this, my dealing with infertlity really seems like a piece of cake.

***

Sweet eternal dreams to all baby angels!

Omar

 

 

I read this article on BBC: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-20466027 three weeks ago and just can't forget about it.

 

Omar was really a picture perfect baby. How sad that he is gone.

It is sad to think how many children die around the world every day.

 

Not long ago I read a good book of a war journalist. He thinks that it is emotional stealing - if tragedy happens to other people and you pretend that your pain is the same as the pain and grief of the people who lost beloved ones.  

 

***

So I think that it is actually really very selfish of all  parents who have their mouths full of words that you can undesrstand pain and grief only if you are a parent. Really selfish!

 

Only Omar's parents (=and all other parents arounds the world who lost children and beloved ones in tragedies) can understand what parents in Newtown feel.

 

 

I feel the grief. And - I am not a parent.

I regret that a tragedy in Newtown happened. I feel deep sorrow for the ones who lost their children and beloved ones.

I watched Obama's speech and he made me angry. Here is his quote:

"I know there is not a parent in America who doesn't feel the same overwhelming grief that I do."


A question for Mr. Obama:
Do you REALLY think that you have to be a parent to feel grief?

This is my favourite time of year to be childless

Isn't it a wonderful picture? I found it on Facebook, on my cousin's page. What a brave girl she is, my cousin!

I had a tough day. I visited with my coworker some clients (=bringing them presents for Christmas / New Year). The last meeting that we had was with women few years younger as me. I have known her for almost a decade. Once I even met her little boy and her husband. We meet once or twice a year. We do business. We chat, but never anything really personal.

Anyway. Today, after we wished each other good wishes for a year to come, she asked me: "How about children?".

I was shocked about the question (since I thought she knew I didn't have any). I just answered, very politely: "I don't have any children."   (=full stop).

(If her further question would be - why not?  - I would answer that I tried and I couldn't have a child.)

But -  her further comment  was: "I know. It is high time you had one."

This comment REALLY made me angry. How dare she comment anything? I answered: "I have 10 dead children."

But she didn't give up. Her comment was: "Well, you are still young, you can still have one."

And I answered: "I am not young, I am 40."

Then I just quickly said goodbye and just left.


After few hours when my anger already got smaller, I got a kind SMS from a rude client:
"Carissima Klara, scusa per prima, sono stata senza cuore. Un bacio."

Translation: "Dearest Klara, sorry for before, I was without heart. Kiss."

Lovely apology, isn't it? Italians really do have a style!

Martha & Ernest

It is too cold outside (-10 C and lots and lots of snow) so  it is time to watch movies in cosy & warm living room with my DH.

I just loved the movie about Hemingway & Gellhorn. I really love movies where I can learn something new.

Looking back on a life  Martha Gellhorn once confessed: ''I'm overprivileged. I've had a wonderful life. I didn't deserve it but I've had it.''

I hope to be able to say the same when I am 90 :)

I am not sure, but I think Martha Gellhorn was childfree.





PS: The movie reminded me to read some of Hemingway books that I haven't read yet.

Finding a new dream

Don't get me wrong - I am happy that Kate & William are getting a baby. But please, could this not be news anywhere? December is hard enough without it...

I just came back from Italy (I spent 3 beautiful days working there). Have I told you that I just LOVE Italian cuisine? I am practising there ordering dinner and enjoying my own company. I was reading an Italian regional newspaper (Il Piccolo) and there they had really stupid article about royal baby arriving. The literate translation would be something like that: "Yes, they are able to reproduce. Thanks Heavens for that...." In the article there was word combination "in dolce attesa" (=in sweet expectations) like zillion of times. I tried to skip the article but I just couldn't. Luckily the dinner was delicious so my moods improved.

***

I had a coffee with one of my school friends from high school last week. It was nice to see her and catch up (she is also childless). Today in the morning I wrote her just saying that I had great time and that I would love to see her again sooner then in one year (this is how often we usually meet). And she wrote back immediately that she was dreaming about me previous night. In her dream I was holding lots of medical papers, I was very happy and was explaining to her that I am finally pregnant and that I need to make final test to confirm it.

I wrote back that I just burnt ALL my medical reports that I had after 10 IVF treatments. And that with the papers I also burnt my old dreams. And that now I am on a pursuit of finding a new dream.

It felt liberating to put it down!

Tons of documents from the hospitals

Only a woman that went through one IVF treatment knows, how much medical documentation there is for one treatment.

So you can imagine how many documents I had after 10 IVFs? Tons!

I just packed everything, my DH will burn everything tomorrow. It feels good!

The only thing that I could not throw away is a photo of our two embryos (we got the photo only once). This is the closest thing that we have to a photo of our children.

I put the photo of our embryos in a beautiful big box, where are plenty of nice memories. I can't say it is a nice memory. But it is a memory of a beautiful dream we once had.  I just couldn't force myself to put the photo away...

I don't feel sad. It is, what it is.

I  just know that I have to (and I wish to) make the most of the life I have.  It is not the life I planned for myself. But it is beautiful as well.

A toy

I love my sister. But sometimes she has absolutely no clue how to handle my infertility.

A while ago (I was in the darkest days of my infertility journey) she went to Australia for a holiday. She brought me a small present: a toy - koala with a baby koala.

I hated the toy from the moment I got it. I didn't want to be impolite, so I put it on our shelf in the living room.  Whenever I looked at koala it made me sad since a koala has something I will never have.

I was cleaning  the  living room today. I threw away many things that I did not need nor want anymore (for example some stupid books that I loved to read when I was 20).

And - I finally got the courage to throw away the koala as well.

I feel free!!!


***

Had a long walk with my Wolf today, in the snow. It was cold and beautiful.

Childless?

How can you call me childless if my life is full of children?
Well, the children are not mine, but they still belong to my life. 

Usually I see my nieces only 2 - 3 times per month, but this week I spent two afternoons with them since we are having a visit from Australia (two girls in their late twenties).

It was lovely to watch my two nieces (3 and 5) trying to communicate. They learned the words Hello and Goodbye. And they know how to count in English to 10... they were so proud that they could show their knowledge to Australian girls.

I enjoyed it so much! I am happy that my nieces have opportunity to speak English at such an early stage.