Seriously? Really?

Luckily I had a busy day in the office yesterday, I was working for 12 hours. It was good. It kept my mind off my beloved Wolf.

We are encouraged to use Skype with our business partners. And I use it also for chatting in private purposes sometimes.

I was online with a coworker from another department who lost a brother few years ago because of a cancer. I wished her quiet and not too painful holidays: 1st November is all Saints Day, it is a holiday in our country. Most of people visit the graves of their relatives.

My coworker wrote me how she misses her brother. And that she explains to all her friends / coworkers / people she knows that they should get along better with their siblings.

I wrote back that I appreciate my brother more since I know that she lost hers.
And I added that sometimes I remind my close friends that they should appreciate their children more.

And guess what was her reply back? I am quoting:
"Klara, I really hope you will change your mind regarding the adoption. You would be so much happier if you adopted."

****
Seriously? Really? 

If I were mean, I would write back that she can borrow my brother from time to time. Let's say once every two weeks (this is how often I see my brother). So she would have a brother too.

Nobody can replace her brother. I know that.
And nobody can replace our children that were not meant to be born. How can she not accept that? 

***
And yes. I am and was extremly sad for the last few days. But it is because I lost my second best friend. Not because I am childless.

Sweet eternal dreams, my beloved Wolf

Today early in the morning I kissed my beloved Wolf and said goodbye.
Then my DH (=his master) took him to the vet for an euthanasia.  

My heart is broken.
My only consolation it that our beloved Wolf is not in pain any more.
I miss him terribly.


PS: the photo was taken few years ago, when he was perfectly healthy.

IVF: 'Where's all that grief going?'

There may be five million IVF success stories, but for many millions more women, the treatments have failed. So why do we never hear from them?

***

I loved this article from the Guardian:
http://www.theguardian.com/society/2013/sep/27/ivf-where-all-grief-going



Especially this part is really interesting:

"It's always this superhero patient who wins the jackpot. But if we look at the data from Europe, 77% of treatments fail. The Centre for Disease Control has it at 70% failure. But you never hear from the people who failed, which makes you think there's something wrong with you. The reality is that the science is fragile. It is amazing that five million babies have been born because of IVF but there must be at least 10-to-15 million couples whose treatments have failed."


For some years I really felt that I am such a looser. That IVF works out for everybody else except me. But me and my DH are only one couple in the crowd of 10-to-15 million couples whose treatments have failed. It seems selfish, I know. But it is comforting that we are not alone...

Hugs!

Stars

Good friends are like stars.
You don't always see them but
you always know they are there.

Priceless & heartbreaking

Coming home and seeing the beloved Wolf's explosion of joy & happiness when he sees me: priceless.

Seeing how our beloved Wolf is dying slowly, day by day: heartbreaking.

If I had a gold fish that my one wish would come true?
Having a child? No.
Getting beloved Wolf's health back? Yes.

***

How I miss our long walks together! Now I go jogging almost every day, in the evening, for at least 15 minutes, alone. It is lonely without the Wolf.

Home sweet home

Is there anything better as coming home to my husband and watching a great American movie together?

No other life would I like to have more

Thank you Annie for commenting the post that I wrote more then three years ago.

My favourite part is this one:
And I really hope that one day (when I am old and grey) I will be able to say: this is not the life that I planned, but no other life would I like to have more.

This thought is always there in my mind- and after the darkest days of my infertility I can really say that I think that I might feel like this when I am old and grey.

***

I am saying goodbye untill Sunday, I am going on a business trip, aprox 6 hours of driving away. Hint: if you ask our friend Mali  - the best dishes on her European trip she had there. I am so looking forward to some delicious dinners!

Yes. This is definetely one of the advantages of being childless. I can afford to travel a lot for work.

The sun is shining. Life is good.

Memories

I used to spend all Friday evenings and 5 weekends per year with a group of girlfriends. We were together from aprox. 18th birthday to aprox. 34th birthday. 15 full years! We spent so many great moments together. So many adventures.

But - my infertility was too much for our friendship to handle. A bit of it is described:
http://old.silentsorority.com/2010/05/03/speaking-a-common-language-2.aspx 
(I wrote the guest post under the name Lucy... Lucy was the name that was always chosen for our baby girl (that lived only in our dreams).

Today I remembered one event from our friendship (it was after their first 5 children (of the total 8) had already been born). Two of friends suggested that it became to complicated to buy birthday gifts for all of us and all the children. Because that meant 10 birthday presents per year. So they (=the two dominant friends) decided that from that moment on we should buy only gifts for the children. The third friend agreed with them.

Another friend (my BFF then and now) and me disagreed, but it was already decided since the votes were 3:2.

Looking back I still can not believe, how selfish the other friends were. Did they not think about what this decision meant? Or they knew and they just didn't care?

They expected that I buy 5 gifts for their children every year (or 8 in the next two years to follow). And not to get any gift ever again?

Don't get me wrong... I am not not a materialist. Our birthday gifts were always small and cute (for example, 4 of us would gather money to buy a beautiful skarf. Or a book.) I always enjoyed discussions what gift would make someone else happy. And I loved getting a birthday present.

So, after no-birthday-presents-for-the-adults policy I was deeply touched when my BFF gave me a small birhdays present without the others to know.

Infertility tought me that is much better to have one or two good friends. As a large group of fake ones.

My beloved Wolf

It was a beautiful warm sunny autumn Sunday today. One year ago DH, me and our beloved Wolf would probably be whole day outside, on a walk that would be from 15 to 20 kilometers long.

Today we managed to walk only 2 kilometers and it made the Wolf really tired. Then we rested and read newspapaers & magazines together.

Wolf's illness made me realize, how everything in life passes by. And that we have to enjoy each moment as it is, too the fullest. 

My beloved Wolf - I hope you will stay with us for many years. I can not imagine my life without you.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

^”

^{Max Ehrmann, "Desiderata".}

Do you know Nutella? Have you read this article?

Reminder for me. Do not start dieting on the day:

1.  When new big jar of my beloved Nutella is opened:

2. When it starts raining cats and dogs and continues for the next week

3. On the first day of the period


***

Great article for good night:

http://womensenews.org/story/reproductive-health/131008/grief-born-when-fertility-drugs-dont-deliver#.Ulb6TWy2gpE

Fit route 65

I woke up this morning and decided that I do not feel comfortable in my skin. Before all 10 IVFs I used to have 65 kilos.  Now I have few more. Not a lot more, but just enough to not feel perfectly fine.

I decided that I need a new project in my life, so I created a new blog for getting fit:
http://fitroute65.blogspot.com/

My plan is simple. Eat a bit less. Excersise a bit more.

(it will be a boring blog. It is actually not meantt to be read by anybody but me.  I need something to track things down).


PS: I feel great after 15 minutes of light jogging.

The eternal son

I 've just read the first 70 pages of this book. It is about a man whose baby son was born with Down syndrom. I love the brutally honest style of the author's writing.

Emotions in my heart

I just came back from a four day work trip to Italy. I went with my coworker, to visit some key clients.

It was lovely. We both love Italy & Italian cuisine so much.We had three delicious dinners together. 

The only hard part was talking for 4 days to a coworker (my age, mother of two).  I don't necessarily need to know all details of her kids. And she spent lots of time talking about all the fun things her family does during the weekend with their friends* who have kids.

*Just a remark: those aren't her real friends. They are just parents of children that go to school together with her children. She and her husband used to spend lots of time with parents they met in kindergarten, but since the kids don't go to the same school... they changed ALL friends in one year.
Real friendship? Well, not according to my opinion.


A childless coworker recommended me to read one of the books that was written by the best psychologist in our country 4 decades ago. I was reading it, few pages, every evening. I really loved it.

One part that I really loved was that there are always good things and bad things that are happening in life. But, it is up to us to decide, what kind of emotions we will let live in our heart.

I decided to have room only for positive emotions. So I didn't let my coworker to spoil perfect days in Italy.

Another proof that I definitely am on a road to recovery. We visited yesterday a key client that became a friend through working so many years together. She had given birth few weeks ago to  Riccardo. I envied my coworker how easy was for her to chat with Riccardo's mother. I didn't really want to go there, but we were invited so it would be unpolite not to go.

I dealt with my emotions and decided that it is just fact of life. Some women have children. Some don't. And I did not let bad emotions enter my heart.
(BTW: Riccarrdo is just a perfect little baby, in a way I am glad to have seen him).

Wishing you all a beautiful weekend.