I used to spend all Friday evenings and 5 weekends per year with a group of girlfriends. We were together from aprox. 18th birthday to aprox. 34th birthday. 15 full years! We spent so many great moments together. So many adventures.
But - my infertility was too much for our friendship to handle. A bit of it is described:
http://old.silentsorority.com/2010/05/03/speaking-a-common-language-2.aspx
(I wrote the guest post under the name Lucy... Lucy was the name that was always chosen for our baby girl (that lived only in our dreams).
Today I remembered one event from our friendship (it was after their first 5 children (of the total 8) had already been born). Two of friends suggested that it became to complicated to buy birthday gifts for all of us and all the children. Because that meant 10 birthday presents per year. So they (=the two dominant friends) decided that from that moment on we should buy only gifts for the children. The third friend agreed with them.
Another friend (my BFF then and now) and me disagreed, but it was already decided since the votes were 3:2.
Looking back I still can not believe, how selfish the other friends were. Did they not think about what this decision meant? Or they knew and they just didn't care?
They expected that I buy 5 gifts for their children every year (or 8 in the next two years to follow). And not to get any gift ever again?
Don't get me wrong... I am not not a materialist. Our birthday gifts were always small and cute (for example, 4 of us would gather money to buy a beautiful skarf. Or a book.) I always enjoyed discussions what gift would make someone else happy. And I loved getting a birthday present.
So, after no-birthday-presents-for-the-adults policy I was deeply touched when my BFF gave me a small birhdays present without the others to know.
Infertility tought me that is much better to have one or two good friends. As a large group of fake ones.
Oh dear...that's really harsh (the suggestion, I mean). And I totally get what you mean about it's not the gift that matters, but the thought behind it. Here's to lovely true friends!!!
ReplyDeleteI get it too, Klara... "this year, presents only for the kids... because Christmas is for kids, you know!" :p No, I didn't -- I thought Christmas was for everyone. I have spent thousands of dollars over the past 30 years on baby shower, birthday, baptism, first communion, confirmation & Christmas gifts (plus Halloween, Valentine's Day & Easter treats -- and later wedding showers, stags & bachelorettes, weddings & new home gifts) for our nephews & dh's cousins' kids. For the most part, I enjoy shopping for gifts & wrapping them up & making them look nice. But it's hard not to be just a teeny bit resentful that I'm so rarely on the receiving end myself.
ReplyDeletethanks for your comment! It is lovely to see that I am not alone in my feelings.
DeleteHow incredibly self centered of them :( Of course most people are self centered. I guess it shouldn't take infertility to see that
ReplyDeleteI can SOOOOO relate to this. My SIL decided for everyone that there would be no more gifts for adults. So I've spent years buying presents for easter, christmas, birthdays etc and rarely getting anything in return. After all, it really started to piss me off. As you said, I didn't care about the money or the fact that I was buying presents for children that I loved. It was the one sided nature of it all.
ReplyDeleteNow my eldest niece (25yo) and I exchange gifts outside of this arrangement. It is lovely!
I really like the sound of your BFF!! I am so glad that she thought to buy your gifts away from your circle of friends. You really do find out who your true friends are as you go through such a difficult time as infertility. I agree that one or two amazing friends are so much better than a large group of casual friends!
Much love to you
xx
I just read the article you wrote. I can't believe they didn't notice for two hours that you weren't talking! Even though there is sadness in the loss of something that was so good for so long - good for you for leaving.
ReplyDeleteI really love the last two paragraphs. Just beautiful!
xx