Monday, January 27, 2014

Here comes the Sun

This is how I feel today.
I love Beatles' song Here comes the Sun.
So symbolic.
In the darkest years of my infertility I never thought there will be any Sun for me, ever again.
But there is.
The pain went away.
And I learned something out of it.
To appreciate little things that mean a world to me.
Today morning cuddling with DH.
Hot chocolate & tiramisu with my best friend in the afternoon.
Long walk alone.
10 minutes with my parents, drinking tea together.
The best is yet to come: good night cuddling with DH :)

Falling in Love

A beautiful movie!

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Missing the Wolf

I wasn't in the mood for the last few days to write anything related to dealing with life after infertility. I am neither bitter nor sad because of my infertility. It is what it is.

I am just terribly sad because of my beloved Wolf.  I miss him terribly. Today it is exactly one year since vet told us his diagnosis.  

I went to the garden (approx five minutes of walking away) to pick up delicious field salad yesterday. Literally whenever I went to the garden the Wolf went with me. It was sad to walk the way alone.

My beloved Wolf taught me that life can be so short. That it is precious. That I have to live each day to the fullest. To enjoy.

Here is the plan for today:  reading a good book / baking lasagna / long walk with DH after lunch / good movie with DH in the evening.

Saturday, January 25, 2014


I can have my oldest niece (6 years) for myself only once a year. My brother and his wife are not happy if I ask to have her, so I just don't (except for the Santa Claus carnival).

I was bitter about it, now I am not any more.

And that's why I appreciate my dear cousin even more - she lets me have her 4-year-old daughter whenever I want. Last Saturday I spent some lovely hours with the little one visiting my best friend and her two kids.  The visit reminded me how lovely my weekends would be if I had kids. Full of joy, laughter and play.

I wasn't bitter about it either. It is what it is. 

I appreciated lovely last Saturday.

And I also appreciate today. I just returned from a long walk in the nature. 

Friday, January 24, 2014

Movie Calendar

I have just seen those photos with my DH:

Cool photos!
(I wish and prey that we will live to be very old together and still full of joy and new adventures).

Thursday, January 23, 2014

My actionable resolutions for this year


I really liked this article: 
My actionable resolutions for this year:
  • I will eat more vegetables.
  • No more late evening snacks.
  • I will walk every day for 1 hour.
  • I will start jogging in spring.
  • I will go swimming once a week to the olympic swimming pool.
  • I will cycle 1.000 kilometers this year.

(PS: after the death of my beloved Wolf I gained some extra weight. I do not feel comfortable in my skin, I have to do something about it).

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Love actually

Love Actually (2003)

One of my favourite movies to watch during Christmas period was always this one.

I read today that one of the actresses from this movie gave birth for the first time at the age of 49.

I am happy for her. But I am not happy for me - since this means that there is a general opinion in society that there is literally possible to have a baby at any age.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

To Women Without Children

Thank you for your courage.  Your courage to live in a society that will judge you for your decisions and your lifestyle (whether or not you had a hand in those decisions), a society that will condescend and exclude, sometimes consciously, often ignorantly, a society that will never value you as highly.

Thank you for being positive role models, showing that there are many ways to live a good life, and that you don’t have to fit in to accepted norms to be accepted, happy, and indeed, normal. 

 Thank you for loving our children, caring about them and for them, for being in their lives.  Thank you for showing them that there is good in the world, that they can rely on more people than their immediate family, that more people love them. 

Thank you for paying taxes that fund my children’s schools and cover their medical costs (including all my maternity costs), and the tax breaks given for families.  

Thank you for taking up the slack at work and in extended families, neighbourhoods and communities, when everyone else is focused on their nuclear families and schools. 

Thank you for being a good example of survival, of resilience, and of acceptance.  
Thank you.

written by: Mali

I loved Mali's todays post so much that I just had to share it with you.
Mali - thank you for writing it.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Sunny Sunday

Photo from today's walk with my DH.
We both love long walks through the forest.  

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Swim more, blog less

New Year's Resolution: Try to spend less time on blogs. Try to swim at least once a week.

I went swimming after work, to the Olympic swimming pool nearby (I haven't been there for more then a decade). I swam for an hour. I feel great now.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Maybe it it not too late for me to have a good life

This story warmed my heart this morning:

At the end of the song Rose says:

You have to move.
You have to fight.
You have to make your best.
Maybe it it not too late for me to have a good life.

Lovely! Wishing her all the best.

(those lines are 100 % true for me as well)

Monday, January 6, 2014

Spuren im Sand

This is the postcard that I bought many years ago (even before I met my husband), while on holidays in this convent in Germany:

(you can book a room there and spend some days / weeks there as a guest, upon payment).
I really recommend it - I was always filled with positive energy, whenever leaving this place.

And this thought really helped me to overcome the darkest years of my infertility. I imagined a kind God who is holding me in his arms. And taking me to a safe place, where infertility demons will not haunt me any longer. 

Saturday, January 4, 2014

4 great-grandmothers & 4 great-grandfathers

Have a Little Faith: A True Story

I have just read this book in my language. I really wanted to publish on my blog a part of the book that meant a lot to me, so I asked a pen-friend of mine from New York to write me that part of the book in English (thank you!).

How then, I asked the Reb, can you avoid the second death?
"In the short run," he said, "the answer is simple. Family.  It is through my family that I hope to live on for a few generations.  When they remember me, I live on.  When they pray for me, I live on. All the memories we have made, the laughs and the tears."

"But that, too, is limited."
How so?
He sang the next sentence.
"Ifff....I've done a good jobbb, then I'll be re-mem-bered one generation, maybe two.....but e-ven-tu-alllly....they're gonna say, "What was his naaame again?"

At first I protested.  Then I stopped.  I realized I did not know my great-grandmother's name.  I'd never seen my great-grandfather's face.  How many generations does it take, even in close-knit families, for the fabric to unravel?

"This is why," the Reb said, "faith is so important.  It is a rope for us all to grab, up and down the mountain.  I may not be remembered in so many years.  But what I believe and have taught----about God, about our tradition - that can go on.  It comes from my parents and their parents before them.  And if it stretches to my grandchildren and to their grandchildren, then we are all, you know...."

"That's it."

I had 4 great-grandmothers & 4 great-grandfathers. And out of 8 names I know only one of them (I know the name of my maternal grand-mother's mother).
So - no big deal actually if my name will be forgotten sooner as normally.

2014, welcome!

I had lovely holidays. But in a way I am glad they are over. I don't like the pressure that Christmas - New Year holidays is supposed to be the happiest time - everybody checking and asking what special things did I do over holidays. 

My DH gave me a beautiful Cannon EOS camera as a new year gift- with instructions that I have to learn how to use it before September - so that I will be able to take lots of wonderful photos on our trip to the USA. 

It is a bit complicated, so I am attaching a photo taken by the old camera. A motive: my youngest niece (sitting in my lap),  admiring her new year's gift.

An opportunity for all of you - to learn the first word in my language :)

Wishing you all a beautiful weekend.


Wednesday, January 1, 2014

No. Of course not. I want my own children.

Match Point (2005)

Have you already seen Woody Allen's Match Point? I saw it already in 2005, but then completely forgot about it. I even forgot that there was one of the main caracters that was dealing with infertility.

I watched it again yesterday and liked it (as the most of Woody Allen's movies).

I found the scenes with Chloe and her dealing with infertility sad, but I was sad for her, not for me. When Chloe was asked if she would ever consider adoption, she answers: "No. Of course not. I want my own children."

An interesting answer.