250 beautiful photos

I just finished organizing 250 photos from the last 5 years in the albums.  I am a bit lazy so I develop photos only once in 3 - 5 years.

It was a lovely thought - how many wonderful moments did we have - me & my husband - in the last five years! 250 moments are there - on the photos. And there were plenty more.

When I am thinking of the last 8 years, when we had 10 failed IVF, I often see only all the pain and dissapointment and sorrow. But watching the photos today, I realized that there were also tons of wonderful moments.

I am attaching our small teddy bear, who went with us to Patagonia. He loved the glaciar Perito Moreno. So did we :)

Dr. House

You will never ever get a new post from me on Tuesday night. Why?
Dr. House is on TV.
I love love love watching him. So does my husband.
We haven't missed even one sery. And lots of them we watched more then once.

Wathching Dr. House I always dreamed about finding a perfect infertility doctor, who would be so genious as he is. Who would find what's wrong with my body. And would find the right treatment.

But, that was just dreaming.... in reality, I was only a number on the paper, nobody was really focused on solving my mistery. So it remained unsolved.... for good.

Kindergarten

I have a coworker who I like a lot. We spent quite a lot of time together in the last two years, working on some projects. She lives in another town, so I never met her outside work.

Some days ago I had a meeting in her town, so she invited me to meet her family.   Since we were early, I went with her to a kindergarten to pick up the kids. I was in the kindergarten for the first time in my life. It felt awkward. I did not feel comfortable (I felt like I did not belong there, which is of course true), so I went outside to wait.

But meeting coworkers girls (aged 3 and 5) was lovely. They were so proud that mummy's friend came with their mummy to the kindergarten. The little one even yelled to her little friends: "Come on all and see who is here to pick me up!!!". It was a lovely moment.

I spent then  afternoon at their house and it was really nice.

I felt good afterwards. Because even a year or two ago.... I would felt devasted not having children and ALL the others have them. Of course even then I realiazed that not all have children, it just felt that way.

Lucija & Oskar / Maks

Our chosen name for our baby girl was Lucija.
My chosen name for our baby boy was Oskar. 
But my husband did not like this name, his chosen name was Maks. 

As Heather commented in previous post, she never offer her chosen names to anybody. Nor did I.... I just felt like writting them down before letting them go....

I had a long day at work, so I have to go out for a quick walk. It is 0 degrees Celsious and slippery (we had bit of snow in the morning).... so I will not go far.

František & Eliška

More then two years ago, after the 9th failed IVF treatment me and my husband decided that it was time to try something new. Then we spent the whole year whether or not to decide for an egg donation. It was easier to decide that for my husband, since the child would have his genes. At the end I decided that I would love a child no matter what, so we booked a treatment in Czech Republic, Brno, clinic Reprofit. 

We spent whole year joking about our František & Eliška (working names for our future children, those are old Czech names, I guess nobody names children so any more). We talked about them so much that we were really sure that this time everything will work out.

My donor was 21-year-old girl (so young!!!),  on the day 5 after egg retrieval I got two expanded blastocists. We were so happy. And so sure that everything will work out. We were so looking forward to meeting František & Eliška in 9 months.

But my womb rejected them....  So obviously motherhood is really not something that is written in my destiny. 

As much as I regret that our dream did not come true, I will never ever try another treatment again. The last infertility drug I took in September, but I still have side affects now, before my period.

My New Year resolution was to take greater care of my body (eating healthier, get more excersise). And regarding no-more-infertility-drugs I decided already in autumn. I have to take care of me, otherwise you will not be able to read me for another 15,000 days :)

USA - Canada - UK - New Zealand - Russia - Germany - Australia - Finland - Ireland - Netherlands

I just checked statististics of my blog and you - my readers come from 10 countries:

1. USA
2. Canada
3. United Kingdom
4. New Zealand
5. Russia
6. Germany
7. Australia
8. Finland
9. Ireland
10. Netherlands

I feel so happy to find my own community. And to see that I am not alone in the life after infertility & that I have soulmates all around the world.

Life without baby

Only nice things are happening to me lately. I saw yesterday that Lisa included me in her blog:
http://lifewithoutbaby.wordpress.com/2012/01/12/your-next-15000-days/#comment-3142

Lisa - I am honoured. Thank you so much!!!

***
And now I have to pack my bags... I will go on a business trip for the whole week. I will miss my husband. And I will miss my blog. I will not be able to read it since I have only my company laptop and I do not want that my employer knows any personal stuff about me...

I do have an advantage of being childfree. Another coworker with two small kids was supposed to go to this business trip (to a beautiful city, aproximately 500 kilometers away). But her child got flu, so she had to stay at home. So the employer asked me if I have time to go. I always have time to go :)   Isn't it nice to be so flexible? And I get some extra money for travelling abroad, which is always nice.

I isn't a dog :)

Not one day goes by that I don't wish I had children. But I am getting better and better. I manage to find at least one positive thing about being childfree each day. So, today's positive thing: I have enough free time to spend it for people I love. For example for my mum. She started to attend English classes couple of months ago. And to help her, I give her some extra classess once a week.

I wrote lots of different sentences in our language to traslate them to English some days ago. And one really cute mistake: she translated a sentence:
I haven't got a dog
to:
I isn't a a dog

Isn't it cute :)

No other life would I like to have more

the first blog I have ever written was guest blog on Pamela's blog:
http://blog.silentsorority.com/2010/05/03/speaking-a-common-language-2.aspx 

I remember writing this guest blog almost two years ago, I cried for the whole week while writting it. It hurt so much to write it. Now all this pain is just a memory. I never imagined that then, but it does get easier. 

I used the name Lucy. The Slovenian version of the name Lucy is Lucija. And Lucija is for me the most beautiful name. My heart still hurts a little, when I find out of a new baby girl that was given "my" name. Luckily, there aren't many of them.

I still like this sentence:
And I really hope that one day (when I am old and grey) I will be able to say: this is not the life that I planned, but no other life would I like to have more.I still hope this.  But luckly there are still many years in front of me, before I am old and grey. And it is my job to make the most of them.

Midnight in Paris

Few days ago  me & my husband had 10th anniversary from our first date. To celebrate it we went to the cinema and watched "Midnight in Paris". We really loved it!  Woody Allen really knows how to make a good movie.

We already spent in Paris 5 hours when we were between flights some years ago. Now we can't wait to return to Paris once for at least few days. 

This is how I see our life now: full of small beautiful moments.

By the way: one thing that I really loved about the movie is that there isn't even one single baby in it. How rare is it?

Empty nest syndrome - never ever my syndrome

Few weeks ago I had business lunch with a coworker (30 years, two small kids) and a business partner and his wife (both around 60, two daughters 20 - 22 years).
The younger coworker started to talk how she enjoys all the Christmas activities with the kids.
And then the wife of business partner suddenly became very sad. And then she told us that she also loved Christmas period when the daughters were still little. But now they left home to study in the capital and she is always just lonely - without daughters (and with husband working all the time). She explained that she just does not have any joy more in living. 

I felt sorry for this woman. I know it sounds selfish, but it made me happy - I will never ever have to suffer empty nest syndrome when I am 60!  So, being childless has also some advantages :)

I am feeling already a bit better, headache has almost gone, so the world seems nicer.

High Temperature & Headache

first of all: Happy New Year to all my readers! May new year bring us lots of health and hapiness.
I remember that in previous years I always wished to my sisters in infertility that all of our wishes may come true. But now I know - sometimes  the wishes do not come true. That's reality of life.

I spent my New Year Eve with my husband at home, I had high temperature and did not feel well. But it was nice anyway: we watched lots of good movies. Our favourite was The Millennium-trilogy that consist of "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo", "The Girl Who Played With Fire", and "The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets' Nest".... in original, Swedish version.

Anyway, I went back to work after holidays, but had horrible headaches and high temperature, so I went to see my doctor yesterday (I really really like her, she is so nice to her patients). She tested my blood and everything is perfectly fine. I am just suffering the side effects of all the infertility drugs that I took in August and September (and side effects still hit me, some days before I get my period). How horrible is that? I am soooooooooo happy that I stepped out of the IVF-train.  

I took some days off work, to get better.