Sunday, October 31, 2021

Autumn colours

I went for a drink with  some friends. It was a nice evening, we were listening to a concert of a local band.

I noticed that also the father of the two members was listening to the concert. While listening to the concert I observed the father, he is already in his late 70s.  I know him - during the student years he and his wife stopped many times and drove me to university or back while I was hitchhiking. They were always very kind to me.

His face was shining - he looked so proud and happy when listening to his two sons. His eyes were full of love. He looked like someone who has everything that matters - right there in that moment.

Observing this intimate moment didn't make me sad. I know I will never have exactly that. But I refused to compare my life to any other life. I refuse to do injustice to my life.

I am attaching a photo that I do today on our walk with my husband and our dog. I love warm autumn colours.  I love walking through our beautiful forests so much.

Thursday, October 28, 2021

Who deserves my kindness and my time?

I have been thinking a lot lately - who are people that deserve my kindness and my time? 

I thought of the very first blog post that I wrote 11 years ago:

I remember suffocating feeling when I was with my girlfriends. I had the feeling that their lives are picture perfect, they are all blessed with two children. 

I just couldn't attend our usual Friday evening coffee dates any more. My sadness (and looking back - I know that now, I didn't know then - my depression) didn't fit into the lives of happy young mothers. I understand that.

But I don't understand how easily 3 girl-friends abandoned me when I sent them an email explaining that I can't attend our Friday dates any more since it was too heartbreaking for me. 

(Ony one of the friends stayed and supported me through the darkest times, I will be forever grateful. I would literally do anything for her). 

Back then I was so sure that all others have picture perfect lives but me. I was very wrong. 

One of the friends who left got terrible autoimmune incurable disease. She hasn't been able to walk for the last two years any more.

I recently  came back to this group of friends, but mainly to meet couple of times a year with the ill friend who really needs us. 

I forgave her (and the others). But I didn't forget (and I never will) - how easily I was abandoned when I was in need.

I haven't come to any conclusion yet.

But this is always in my mind - who deserves my kindness and my time?

I may be childless and  I may have some bit of extra available time. But this doesn't mean I don't have the right to choose how I spend my precious time.

Saturday, October 23, 2021

Eternal Firenze

How I missed travelling! I have just returned from a first business trip in the last year. 

I loved walking around beautiful medieval streets & squares of Firenze / Florence.  I just wish I had more time. I didn't have enough available time to visit masterpieces of  the Gallery Uffizi... so I hope to return there one day again.   

Walking alone around the city centre and admiring the masterpieces that were left behind by a wealthy Medici family made me think - what will be my mark on the world? 

I hope to still have plenty of time to figure this out.

But for now - what means a lot to me are the beautiful scarfs that I've just got from my mom's cousin's husband. 

My mom's cousin was fighting cancer for many years. Once she asked me if I could bring her some books from a local library - she knew I love to read. I did bring her books and since I saw how much it meant to her, I visited her with new books many times for three years.

I loved visiting her and talking to her. She told me how much she appreciated my visits and the books I brought. She told me that most of the people disappeared from her life. Since people didn't know what to say they just stopped visiting / phoning.  

She passed away this summer. I miss her!

I find it beautiful that her husband brought some scarfs to me... to have something hers to remember. 

Me making my mom's cousin's final years more beautiful isn't something tangible to be seen in the centuries to come. But it really doesn't matter.... It only matters that my acts made her life nicer and my life richer.