My Christmas wish

I have the same Christmas wish as the last year and the year before.
I would love to get an email from you.
To learn who you are. 
Where you come from.
Why you read my blog.
What my blog means to you. 

I promise I will not publish your emails, nor misuse them in any way.

My email: klara.soncek (at) gmail.com


I am looking forward to Christmas :)
I loved receiving emails last December from literally all around the world!  


PS: on the photo: our capital, Ljubljana, with Christmas lights. It is very pretty! Photo was taken few days ago when having mulled wine (=tradition here) with coworkers.

December

Since I try to save as much money as possible for "our little house" project, this year my husband and I didn't spend a lot for our holidays. The only overnight stays that we paid were 2 nights while cycling in Austria.

And yet, I am fortunate to have a job where I can travel often. I have just returned from Italy. Italy in December with all the Christmas lights is just beautiful! 

I have been doing really well this December. Not that many years ago, when in the darkest years of my infertility, I really suffered in December. Now I am getting my life back which means I am enjoying December.

There are moments that hurt (and there always will be).  Like feeling trapped in work lunch where all women are in the age group 30 - 45 and all they can talk is about their children's school and homeworks. Not long ago I would be depressed for days after.

Now I just thought it is sad for them if they are not capable of any other theme than this.

Me for example:
- I don't even mention my beloved Wolf to people who are dogless :)
- I don't talk about my husband, about beautiful things we did together previous weekend to my girlfriends who are single
- I don't talk about nice afternoon that I spent with my brother to a friend whose brother passed away or to a friend who lost her brother because of possessive sister-in-low
- I don't talk about beautiful gardening days that I spent in summer with my mom to friends whose mothers sadly passed away
- I don't talk about my plans to travel to a) Paris and Normandy and Provance and b) New Zealand as soon as the house is built and at least partly paid off  to friends who earn very little and can't ever afford any holidays
- I don't talk about my sport projects to a friend who has multiple sclerosis and who hardly walks
- ....


If infertility didn't come to my life, I would probably be the same as most people. But now I am not. I am glad to have this feeling what to say (or not to say) to people. I like to be compassionate. But sometimes it makes me angry - why can't the rest of the world be compassionate with me?  

What not to say to men who can’t have kids

I just love those three guys!
http://www.bbc.com/news/av/uk-42286561/what-not-to-say-to-men-who-can-t-have-kids

After many years of waiting, I have wonderful news!!!

We got a building permit!!!
We are very very happy :)

There are many things I am looking forward to. Most of all is having more spacious living room & a guest bedroom. The first overseas friends have already booked their stay for 2019 :)

A granny

I just love this FB find. So, I plan to be a Granny one day :)

For now I am only an awesome auntie. Few days ago I took five nieces and nephews (aged from 4 to 10) with train to the capital (kids love train rides) and took them to museum of natural history. The mission there was to see the mammoth skeleton and touch its tooth.

Then  we visited the national gallery. The kids had a mission to ask someone working there where is one particular painting is and then find it (=a painting of a famous painter who lived in our town 100 years ago). We did find it.

On the way there one of the kids noticed this painting and asked me why why the baby was lying on the floor. Then all the kids started to ask me this question. So I said to them to sit on the floor, in front of the painting and I told them the story about the judgement of Solomon. The kids really listened.  I loved that moment, it was just priceless.

Then, before going home I showed the kids also this painting that I love so much:

The title of the painting is "Kofetarica" which in our language means "a lady who loves drinking coffee".  I asked the kids how does this lady look like. And they used great adjectives: happy, smiling, content. Then I asked them why was she happy. They thought for a while and then a boy, aged 5 replied: "Because she doesn't have kids." It was such a funny answer... I am sure the answer was based on the painting "Judgement of Solomon".

So I explained them my version of why she is happy. Because she loves small luxuries like driking coffee and since she has it, she is happy. If you know how to enjoy small things, you will always be happy. 

Letting go

I am currently reading a book written by this author:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alojz_Ihan

I found there a sentence that I just love:
"If you know how to let go, you make room for something new, something that you might never expected nor planned."

So beautiful and so very true! 

I guess I have written more then once that I really like to talk with old people. I can learn so much from them.

In September, I spent a day with an almost 80-year-old lady from Australia and her three children (one of her children is my bloggie friend).  There were moments that it was only me, walking the streets of a beautiful city and talking with the old lady. And she was explaining me how she doesn't need a lot of her stuff so she is giving all away. She gave a beautiful set of cups to one daughter, a vase to another daughter, a painting to her son etc..

This made me think. If you don't have children of your own, whom do you give things?  In that moment I decided that the best solution for me is not to buy unnecessary things.

And in the little house we are planning to build, there won't be any large storage unit.

I just loved Infertile Phoenix's post: https://infertilephoenix.blogspot.si/2017/11/facing-my-stuff-part-ii.html

I met the old Australian lady (and her children) few days after our first meeting. When I arrived, she was just finishing writing a postcard to her priest. And she showed me the postcard where she wrote: "we were in Slovenia where we met my oldest daugther's lovely friend, Klara".

It was touching to see that meeting was not special only to me.

Lago di Garda / Lake Garda

On weeks like this I just love my job. Here are some photos that I did on my latest business tip. Lake Garda is one of my favourite parts of the world (that I have seen so far). 

I had some time off so I phoned the man that I met almost three years ago:
https://thenext15000days.blogspot.si/2015/03/i-can-see-that-you-dont-have-children.html

and I invited him for a walk. It was a lovely walk, we talked a lot.  It is so nice to talk to somebody who is much older and wiser.

He got back the medical results one day after we met so I called him yesterday, just to check.

He said: "The results are not good, but they will have to be good." Meaning it is what it is and he has to make the most out of life he has.

Just like the rest of us. 

When walking and talking with him I realized (once again) that time is all we have.

30 places in Europe you must see in your lifetime

I have read this article:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/destinations/europe/galleries/europe-top-best-places-and-destinations-to-visit/

and we visited with beloved Wolf the number 17 from the list:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/destinations/europe/galleries/europe-top-best-places-and-destinations-to-visit/bled/

It was a picture perfect autumn day.

Loribeth's beautiful sentence

I just loved Loribeth's thought from her latest post:

"A childless life is not just about childlessness;  it's also about having a life and making the most of it, regardless of the hand we've been dealt."

http://theroadlesstravelledlb.blogspot.si/2017/10/10-years-down-road-less-travelled.html

Dear Loribeth, Congratulations on 10th anniversary of your blog! 

Orcas and menopause

Most of the days I am doing fine. From time to time I catch up some silly remark, but I brush it off from my memory. But sometimes I can't.

I spent a nice evening with two girl-friends, talking and drinking tea in cosy cafe. We talked about the menopause that awaits us in not that distant future.

Then a friend started to talk about National Geographic programme that she watched recently. She learnt there that only orcas and women go through menopause, all other mammals die as soon as they stop reproducing. Scientists are not sure why, but their explanation is that in orca world and human world older females are grannies and as grannies have vital role in raising up grandchildren. That's why we live also in the menopause.

What should I add to this story? Absolutely nothing. I remained quiet for most of the evening.

The two friends (are they friends really??) didn't notice anything.

But this silly story has been haunting me for the last few days.

I won't have grandchildren. And yet, I do have a role in this world, the role that I will define.

Beautiful autumn

I have been busy lately with:

Being in Italy for work. Highlight: their delicious sweets.

First photo: apple strudel. Second photo: Sicilian cannoli.


I have enjoyed lots and lots of lovely autumn walks with my beloved Wolf.

 

And I have been very busy organizing all the paper work for our building permit. We have just filed everything, now all we have to do is wait.  Do keep your fingers crossed!

Lonely Planet's Top 10 regions to visit in 2018

I love Lonely Planet's list "Top 10 regions to visit in 2018":
Lonely Planet

If you wish to have coffee with me, choose number 3 from the list :)

One of us

How I love reading! It takes me to countries that I have never visited and it takes me to times before I was born.

Have you heard of Alma Karlin?   Probably not, so I am attaching a short article about her:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alma_Karlin

She was born in 1889 in a town that is less then one hour driving from mine. She was the first woman to (with a typewriter) travel the globe. The most fascinating fact is that she didn't have any money, she earnt money by teaching languages. 

I am now reading her book that was written in 1928, it is about her 8-year-travelling around the world that she started in 1919. The book was originally written in German language: Einsame Weltreise / it hasn't been translated to English as far as I know (Lonely/Alone Travelling around the World).

I just love her. Sometimes when reading her thoughts I think - those are my thoughts! And she was born almost 100 years before me. 

I love the quote from her book:
 “Alone and abandoned walks through life he who thinks only of himself; but he who knows how to lovingly adapt and turn everything for the better, who always knows where to offer a helping hand and gives himself to others, his life is a blossoming meadow, and traces of his work remain, even after he is gone.”

She was childless, just like me. And yet, she left something very powerful behind.

I loved reading the article about where I found out that a German painter Thea Schreiber Gamelin loved the book "Einsame Weltreise" so much that she decided to write to Alma. They started exchanging letters, after a while Thea visited Alma and they became good friends.

This made me smile. I love when someone who reads my blog (and likes me) sends me a letter (well, an email :)

This way going through life isn't lonely any more.

Saturday

Sometimes I let a silly remark ruin my day.

I went for a work lunch, there were seven women all 5-15 years younger then me. One of them was highly pregnant and I met a new girl that will replace her for a year.

I was the only one that did not know the new girl and I had met the pregnant one only twice before.

So I used opportunity to congratulate both of them - one for getting a new job, the other for a beautiful reason why she is leaving the company for a year.

The pregnant one replied: "You can congratulate me when this one comes out. For now there is no reason for congratulations - everybody can get pregnant. The problem is how to push the baby out!"

All of them laughed.

I guess it is funny. When you equal getting pregnant = sleeping with a man and when it happens as soon as you wish it to happen, yes, then it is funny. Otherwise not.

I try not to let silly people ruin my day. That stupid woman did ruin it, luckily only for one day.

Today I had a therapeutic walk & talk date with my beloved dog and with a friend of mine (who is childless because she never found the love of her life).  I made this photo on our walk through the forest, it was just lovely.

The desire to have a child never goes away

I loved this article:

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/oct/02/the-desire-to-have-a-child-never-goes-away-how-the-involuntarily-childless-are-forming-a-new-movement

I love when an article like that inspires discussions all around our beautiful blogging community:

http://nokiddinginnz.blogspot.si/2017/10/childless-articles-and-their-comments.html

https://differentshores.com/2017/10/03/the-desire-to-have-a-child-never-goes-away/  

https://inconceivable.wordpress.com/2017/10/03/i-am-the-one-in-4/


The ending of the article is just brilliant:
“Surely a mother is more than someone who has children? And I’m more than someone who doesn’t.”

Exactly! That's why I like to write on my blog also about other things. I am so much more then just a childless woman!

I am for example also a woman who loves to learn and discover new things. For example - I learnt  that this is one of favourite songs of the little princess from France. It is beautiful:

I love listening to music.

What the internet can do!

I am back from beautiful Paris. Everything was just perfect (I only wish I didn't have to work, so I could have more time for sightseeing).

Highlight of Paris was meeting a friend of mine that I met through blogging.
(this is what I wrote after our first meeting in the winter:
https://thenext15000days.blogspot.si/2017/02/meeting-beautiful-little-princess-and.html )

I loved having lunch with her and an afternoon walk through the city on the first day. And I loved the evening spent with her family on my last day. It was awesome to be able to speak French with the little girl. I understand a lot of French, but I can not speak - only the basic. The little girl is so clever - she understood my French completely!

When saying goodbye to Kaymet she said: "What the internet can do!".
Yes, indeed!

Good bye for a while

I don't have any time for writing and I have an excellent excuse: I am packing for another trip, this time I am taking the plane.

I am meeting a dear friend that I met through my blog. Can't wait to meet her again!

Will be back in 10 days with lots of lovely photos :)

The best things in life ...

One of the best silver linings of my infertility is connecting with kind souls all around the world. I met this week already my 4th bloggie friend! And she is all the way from Australia.

It was awesome - we spent one day in our capital: 

And few days later I drove to Italy, to meet them in this city:

My friend was travelling with her mom and siblings. It was touching to see how kindly the children (who are around my age) are looking after their mother. My new friend and me didn't have a lot of time where we could talk alone - but we did agree that we have to travel now since there won't be anybody to travel with us when we are old.

We saw somewhere this sentence:

and we all agreed.

Rolling Stones

My husband and I had just a perfect day in Austria yesterday. We were at the Rolling Stones' concert. It was awesome!

How do I admire them for their zest for life, despite being 70+.   

How great it felt singing with them those lines: 

They are so very true!  My life isn't as planned, but I love it anyway. I have to make the most out of it.

Bad karma?

There is a really nice couple our age that I met through husband's work. I want to make a long story short, so I will tell you only that they did something really kind for us (that not many people would do).  I am sure we could become friends if they didn't get their first child very soon after we met.

You know how it goes. I was very happy for them - they were almost 40 and got a beautiful healthy baby boy (and sad for us at the same time). We sent a card with a small gift to congratulate for the baby.  But I never saw a child. Once they visited us (they live in neighbouring country, 6 hours driving for us) - but there was only my husband to host them, I was on one of the business trips (and to be frank, I was glad I could avoid meeting them with a baby). When visiting, they told my husband that they are expecting the second child.

We never got the birth announcement for the second child, but since we weren't in contact any more, I didn't think it was strange.

Then, almost two years later we needed some advice regarding building the house so I wrote to him. I started an email by how are they doing and if I may ask - did the first boy got a little brother or a sister?

I got back immediately a reply: "yes, our son got a little brother.  But he was born with (name of disease) so he never even got the chance to leave the hospital. He died in our hands when he was two months old."

When I read the email, I started to cry. I just couldn't stop. I was so sorry for the little baby boy who didn't even have the chance to live. I was sorry for his parents. I was sorry for their first son who will never have a sibling. And I was sorry for us two - infertility took from us possibility to  make & keep new friendships.

Later that day I met a friend very close to me and I told her the story.

She (mother of two) said: Yes, it is sad. But I guess they just have bad karma and they had to pay.

I was furious, what bad karma??

She explained that she truly believes that in their previous lives they had to do something bad and had to pay in this life.

I remained speechless.  I don't believe in nonsense like that.

My friend had cried with me and for me - during the horrible years of all the failed IVFs.

Later that day I realized that she probably thinks that my infertility is punishment for something I did in my previous life.  Just plain silly. I did not have a previous life. And I did nothing bad in this life. 

Up and Down

I loved Infertile Phoenix's latest post: https://infertilephoenix.blogspot.si/2017/08/up-and-down.html
so I borrowed her title. Up and Down.... this is (at least) for me exactly how life after infertility looks like.

I survived another 1st of September, first day of school in my country. All the talks everywhere were about it.

When I was a kid I was always looking forward to the 1st of September. I liked the rituals like buying new books and notebooks, wrapping them, putting stickers with my name on. I loved glancing through the books, curious of all the things I would learn.

1st of September is now only a hurtful reminder what I will never be able to experience with my children.

It is cloudy cold and a bit rainy day. I never work on Saturdays, so I took my bike and did some errands. Nowadays almost everybody uses cars to go anywhere, even if it is only short distance away. I always cycle (and walk in winter). It takes longer, but it is good for my body and for my soul.

I went to the library and took one book for me and lots of books for my mom's cousin who has terminal cancer. She has always been one of my mom's closest friends. And her mom (my mom's aunt) was my favourite aunt of all. The kind of aunt you cycle when you are 12 for a cup of tea and cookies and for a chat (when everybody else in your world is too busy to take time for you).

My mom's cousin asked me two years ago if I could bring her some books from the library from time to time. I started bringing her books and she loves reading them. They mean a world to her. With books, she can travel anywhere she wants to go.

My annual membership to the library recently expired and as a gift she gave my mom money to pay for my membership. I really appreciated her kind gesture. 

It makes me think - who will be there for me, when I will need books when old or ill? 

I've decided not to worry about it. There will be a way for me to get the books. After all, also my mom's cousin couldn't know 25 years ago, who will be the person to help her with the books.

When cycling back home I felt good. It is a nice feeling, being able to help somebody.

On a way home a car passed by and stopped. It was a friend from my youth. Not a close one, but we did spend few beautiful summers together, walking in the mountains, there were lots of us. 

She was very happy to see me. I was actually glad too, to see her after 15 years. But it was ackward - she in the car with two little girls. Me alone on the bike. I knew it was coming, the question: "So, how are your kids? How old are they now?"
I replied that I don't have kids.
She was surprised - like - it was the first time ever that she heard of an adult woman without children. She said: "I don't know why I thought you have kids?"

I was tempted to answer - Because everybody has them. Well, everybody but me.

Being different is hard.

Living after infertility is not for sissies.

1000th cycling kilometer this year

I've just returned from beautiful one-day-cycling tour to Italian lakes (Laghi di Fusine).

I made today the 1000th cycling kilometer this year!  I have always loved cycling.

The best birthday gift

I've just had my birthday and my husband bought me a wonderful birthday gift. The Danish police series "Forbrydelsen", season 3. We had already seen the season 1 and 2 together and had been looking for season 3 for a long time. Yes, on Amazon they have everything :)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0826760/

We have just finished watching it, we loved it.

Feeling empty

Friends who live abroad and have one child visited us. It was nice evening. Since we haven't see each other for almost a year, there were lots of news also from our side. We showed them the plans for our future little house.

They were looking at the plans of the rooms and then she explained - "Great, you have even one child's room upstairs!".

I quickly corrected her that that will be our office, with 2 desks and place to store all of our papers.

Nothing further was said on that topic.

The evening left me empty. Why do I even bother spending time with people who don't bother to understand me? I have known this friend for 25 years (we were in university together). And she knows about all the failed IVFs.  How could she think that now, aged 44  (when we will move to the house I will be almost 46) we need a room for a child?

Just let life decide and fall in love with our destiny

How lovely it is to have penfriends. They can send you links to awesome articles that you would otherwise miss.

Dear Elaine, thank you for this link, I just loved the article!
http://www.lennyletter.com/health/a956/garance-dore-failing-ivf/

"Truth is, life is not fair, and life has no rules. Life is much better than that. We're not at school. It's not the hardest working or the wealthiest or the most virtuous that succeed at "perfect" happiness. Sometimes, the most we can do is nothing. Just let life decide and fall in love with our destiny. That's what we chose to do, for now.

We're complete even if we don't check all those stupid boxes. We're complete without a shiny job. We're complete without a shiny wedding. We're complete without a shiny baby."

Never having grandchildren

I was having a busy day at work, attending a whole day meeting. I felt good - until I let one silly coworker ruin my day.

To make a long story short - she is approx 10 years older then me and has just got her second grandchild. She just couldn't stop showing newborn's photos to various coworkers - some of them are grandmothers, some hope to be soon, most of them are younger and have small kids.

If you have children - how easy it is to participate in small talks like this.

It is still hard to me. It is way easier to talk work related stuff.

This experience left me worried.  How will I handle arrival of grandchildren of people I know? I am afraid that I will be hurt all over again.

My original plan was to write a blog for few years until I am healed and then stop. But I guess I will be needing my blog in the years to come.

***

The next day I was having lunch with group of younger coworkers (they are all around 30 - 35, they all have two kids) and one of them started to talk about a woman we all know who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer.  They told how they check their breasts every month (so do I).  I added that I had already had two mammographies. They wanted to know why and I told them that because I am in endangered group so I was sent already now (not when 50 as usually in our country). They wanted to know what I meant by endangered group and I replied that it was because I had never given birth. It was easier to say this then to say that because I never breastfed.

The young coworkers were kind and intelligent, talking to them didn't make me sad.

It is what it is.  Now it is up to me what I make out of my life.

Summer photos

The latest two photos, from the walk with DH and our dog. I just love the nature in our only national park.

I am beautiful and I am not old :)

Some highlights from the last few weeks:

Swimming with  beloved Wolf in my favourite part of our country, in the crystal clear lake.

Today, when going for a walk, Wolf found wounded little hedgehog. He was stuck in hot sun, on the road, so I took him with me  to my vegetables garden and put him in the shadows, together with water and food. When I returned home it was gone... I was so happy! I hope it gets well soon (I think it will, it was very vivid).

 And here is the cutest story possible. I was walking to the library when I saw a young mother with two little daughters, twins, aged around two. As I was passing by one of the girls said something to her mother and pointed at me. I didn't really hear well, but then a mother repeated after a child: "Yes, the aunt is beautiful."  I smiled at the baby, thanked her and returned the compliment. (a note: a lot of times with young children they use word aunt instead of Ms./Lady/woman). Perhaps the child only liked my white dress with flower ornament. But since she was looking directly into my eyes I prefer to think that she liked my smile. Her comment made my week. Because I know that only few years back I could not smile to any child and now I can.  It feels good. 

Another kids' story.  The other day I took three kids to the swimming pool. Cousin's daughter is now eight and as I was in my swimming suits she was observing me. And she asked: "Klara, are you pregnant?"   (a note: yes, I should do push-ups more often then twice per year). 

"No, I am not." 

"But don't you want to give birth to a baby?????"

"Well, I am just too old to have a baby now." 

The child remained speechless. For the very first time she heard that there is such a thing as being too old for having a baby. 

The niece who is 9 said nothing. She just listened. 

But the cutest was the girl's little brother, aged 5. He asked with disbelief: "So Klara, you are old???". For him - his granny is old. And his great-grandmother is old.  And I am not :)

The Magic of Not Giving a F***

Obviously I can't survive without my blog the whole summer :)

I loved this TED talk so I am sharing it:

Goodbye for now

As always, I lack time in the summer. So I will say goodbye and will be back with the first rainy days at the end of the summer.   I am attaching some photos from Croatian seaside, it was lovely to swim for couple of days. 

I am busy growing my vegetables:

My favourite sweet is terragon potica, here I backed half of potica terragon, half with blueberries:

The traditional potica is with walnuts, but I like to be creative.
News from few weeks back: the pope asked American first lady about potica, it was nice to see how many articles were published on this topic, here is one of them:
Potica

I have spent many beautiful walks with husband and Wolfie. This Sunday we were lucky to pick up these:

Spagetti with porcinis were delicious, so was the jam that I cooked.

A new highlight of this summer: I love to swim and  my nieces and a nephew love to swim, but their parents not so much. I love taking them to huge open swimming pool for a swim. I love being their aunt.

There were also some moments in July that I felt my childnessness again.

I was invited to an uncle's barbecue and nobody bother to tell me that also a distant relative was invited with her newborn, aged 4 weeks. It was aweful, all conversation involved talking about the baby, memories of giving childbirth, breastfeeding etc. Did I have to contribute anything to the conversation?   Social gatherings like that remind me that I don't fit and that I never will.

I spent some lovely moments with our distant family from Australia. I loved talking to them. We were talking about something and I know that I was thinking how easily I bond with some people. But then there was a comment (said by couple 15 years old then me, with 3 grown up children): "Yes, the wheels of life are turning." (the remaining of the sentence had to do something about their children and grandchildren).  I don't have children, so what are my wheels of life?


I love the impact that my pen-friends have on my life. I got a book recommendation from my beloved pen-friend, I just love this book:



 

Some quotes from the book that I liked: 






“We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.”


“The key question to keep asking is, Are you spending your time on the right things? Because time is all you have." 


“Time is all you have and you may find one day that you have less than you think.”


“When we're connected to others, we become better people.”


This is all for now... enjoy the summer! (or if you are from the opposite part of the world, enjoy the winter ;)