Thursday, May 31, 2012

Goodbye, my lovely bathrobe!

I made a huge step forward today. I got rid of my beautiful purple bathrobe.

I bought it few year ago, when we changed the clinic for our 5th IVF cycle. And the new clinic requested to bring your own bathrobe. I didn't have any, so I went shopping and bought it. I wore it only twice, for egg retrieval and to embryo transfer. We were still so hopeful then. I remember my DH & me joking that we would have for sure a baby daughter since bathrobe was not blue :)

I hate throwing beautiful things to garbage. And I couldn't wear it again, because just seeing it in our wardrobe always brought so many sad memories back.

Today I visited my parents and I took a bathrobe to my mum and asked her to give it somebody. My mum has millions of friends and she always knows somebody who needs something or she knows somebody who knows somebody who needs something.... so I am sure my beautiful bathrobe will end up in good hands.

And I feel relief. One object less in our little apartment that reminds me of all the IVFs.

Small step towards living a happily-ever-after-infertility life.

Otherwise  I am fine... I went for a short cycling tour today, I love cycling, I just wish I had more time for it.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

František & Eliška

I spent most of the years 2009 & 2010 & 2011 thinking about using an egg donation. It was a tough decision, but after 9 failed IVF it felt that this was an option that we should consider.

We have chosen a clinic in Brno, Czech Republic. And we really liked it - they were really professional. My donor was 23 years old (so young!!). I had transfer of two expanded blastocysts. When they were implanting the embryos, there was this song:   

We were so sure that our 10th IVF (and 1st using donor eggs) will work out. Everything was magical. We spent one wonderful week in Czech Republic and fell in love in a country. There we saw the most beautiful castle (attached photo) - Karlštejn, near Prague.

We had even nick names for our babies - old Czech names - František & Eliška.

Whenever I hear Led Zeppelin's Stairways to Heaven it reminds me of an old dream that never came true.

If František & Eliška had decided to stay with me, they would be born within few days. Can't believe that less than 9 months passed since then. Seems likes ages ago!

I know that if  František & Eliška were born, I would love them more then anything in the world.

But after thinking about everything for additional 9 months, I saw some further negative sides of an egg donation (list became quite long in the last few months). And on the top of it - the drugs that you have to take really have so many side affects. I just do not want to take any infertility drugs, never again.

It makes me sad - thinking about all the embryos that I carried under my heart (only for few hours or days, since I never ever saw the magical plus). There were approximately 10 that were genetically ours (I don't really want to count the exact number, it is just too sad). And then František & Eliška.

Goodbye, my babies!  Sweet dreams!

Monday, May 28, 2012

Friendships after infertility

I went out with two ex-coworkers on Saturday evening.  The beginning was nice... we were talking about all the things that happened since our last meeting. We ate delicious banana-chocolate cake. Drank tea.

After a while there was a new topic: difficulties with raising kids. As you can imagine, that's a topic that I really do not have much to contribute. They both have children, the oldest is already 13. And she is already a teenager, trying to emotionally separate herself from her mother. And trying to find her own path. And because of that a friend really suffers.

Anyway, at the end of our date I felt really bad. Both friends know my infertility situation, but none of them really asked me how am I doing. They just used me to listen to ALL their problems. Not fair! I hate it, when I feel lonely among people.

That's why I avoid dates with friends with kids. There are only two friends with kids, that really feel my soul. And they do not hurt my feelings. I like being with them. Otherwise, I prefer to be alone.

Infertility really influences friendships, doesn't it?

Sunday, May 20, 2012

I love Sundays

I love Sundays. Because I always spend them with DH and our beloved Wolf.   We spent today's Sunday at Lake Bohinj, a beautiful alpine lake on the north-west part of our country. I am attaching the photo, taken today. We walked around the lake (13 kilometers).

It is always so great to spend whole day outside, on fresh alpine air (by the way: in Europe only Finland has more forest as my country).

At the end of the day the weather became really windy. And suddenly all families with  kids disappeared (=went home). And only we, adults, majority with dogs, remained. Perfect world :)

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Tennant Creek & I never regret the things I have done

The last and only time that I had any infection was almost 15 years ago. I was travelling for one month around Australia, alone. 

I visited Uluru (it is really beautiful) and afterwards came to small town of Tennant Creek and wanted to continue  my bus trip to Cairns. But there were some awful floods somewhere before Cairns, so I had to wait for 4 or 5 days in Tennant Creek that the floods would stop and that they would open the road (it was quite funny, because it was so hot and sunny in the middle of Australia and I was stopped because of the floods).

Tennant Creek is a small town (population 3500, almost half of them are Aborigines). There really isn't much to do. To avoid boredom I became a member of Tennant Creek public library. And I went to swimming pool every day, to survive hot days.

I loved swimming there. I have some nice photos from the swimming pool in my album. I made so many new friends - all of them were Aborigines, under the age of 12. I was actually one of few adults in the pool. And the only white person. So I was an attraction for the children. They had lots of questions for me.

1. Where do I come from?
2. Did I walk or came in the car from Europe?
3. How come I didn't have husband?   (can you imagine - this question hurt me at the time, since I was just after break of long and bad relationship)

In that pool there were some bacteria that my spoiled body (living in sterile environment) was not used to. So I got really bad vaginal infection (the only one till now). I didn't really know where to find medical help in Australia, so it remained untreated. And by the time I returned home, I was OK already. But later I found out that this was the infection that destroyed and blocked my tubes. So this is how my infertility began, 15 years ago. And I wasn't even aware of it.

But the interesting thing is that I never regret going to Australia. I do not regret swimming in that pool.  I never regret the things that I have done.  Everything is just part of my life. All this made me the person I am today.

Dear google search engine:  this is a post about LIFE AFTER INFERTILITY
(I want to avoid all visitors that search info about tourism in A., but do not know how)

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Life is not fair

When you write a blog, can you actually write anything?  Even if it is a bit embarrassing and not nice at all?

I hate going to gynecologist. I had seen thousands of infertility specialists in the last few years, but I hadn't seen my gynecologist for the last two years. But I had to go there this morning, since I got an infection. This one:

And, no, no matter what is written on wikipedia, I didn't have any new S. partners  in the last decade :)

But the point what I wanted to whine about today (after all, it is Lisa's Wednesday) is: in the waiting room there were lots of pregnant women. Three of them were with husbands. One was with her mother. I was alone and not pregnant.

Why ALL the other women came to see the gynecologist because of the baby? And I had to come because of f***ing  BV???

Monday, May 14, 2012

It's a boy!

I visited few days old nephew in the morning. Since my infertility journey this was the first time that I was actually looking forward to meeting the baby for the first time. I held him for couple of minutes - he was so tiny and warm and beautiful! I played with his older sister. When leaving them I thought - how great, I am healed!

But couple of minutes ago I received the photos from my sister (with me & nephew). It was sad to see the photos - my eyes look so sad! Eyes are reflection of the soul. I thought I was OK, but I am obviously not. I guess I will never be OK.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Home, sweet home

How nice it is to be back home! To breath fresh air. To drink tap water. Not to worry about passports, credit cards, money... To take our beloved Wolf for a long walk.

We had a nice holiday. It was great to have my DH for almost three weeks just for myself.

We loved Singapore. Originally we  planned to spend there 2 days, but just couldn't leave the great city, so we stayed there 4 days. But to be completely honest, we did not like Malaysia that much. It was OK, but perhaps we expected too much. 

The part of Malaysia that we really liked, were Cameron Highlands. We visited tea plantations, they were beautiful.  We drank the best tea ever - Boh tea.

I was really looking forward to Perhentian islands, but we left them after one night. The only room we were able to book was full of insects (mosquitoes, millipedes and even one cockroach). We tried to find another accommodation, but everything was booked out. So I enjoyed crystal clear sea only for one afternoon and one morning - but this was still better as no sea at all. South China Sea is so warm - it has approximately 27 C. So it is actually too warm to feel fresher after swimming. 

It was really great feeling, for 3 weeks not to feel as an infertile couple. We were couple, enjoying life. Enjoying museums, new food, new experiences.

We saw so many young Muslim mothers in Malaysia. Majority of women my age are already grand mothers in Malaysia. And there are so many big families. But seeing all those young women with their extra sweet babies did not make me sad. To be frank, I wouldn't like to have three children by the age of 24. When I was 24, I was just finishing university, I was in the middle of long and bad relationship. And it lasted for another few years to find my Mr. Right.

On the photo above is the best hotel I have ever seen - Marina Bay Sands, in Singapore. It is (unfortunately) way above our budget, so we just visited observation deck on the 56th floor. The view from there is magnificent! 

So, no more holidays for me for this year. I still have 10 days off work and I still have to make plan how to make the most of them.

I am looking forward to finding some time next week to read all the new posts on your blogs... to see what I missed in the last three weeks.