Saturday, August 29, 2015

Horizons of my world

I have read an short version of the article "What You Really Need to Know About Egg Freezing" when it was put online in July, but then forgot about it.

I have had one habit for the last 15 years: I always borrow in my local library Time magazine. Disadvantage is that I always read magazines that are 1 or 2 weeks old. But huge advantage is that they are free of charge. I love sitting in the couch, going through the pages of the magazine.

It was lovely to see Pamela's name in the magazine.

This made me think that it is true that infertility took away so much from me. It took my dreams. It took happiness out of my life for whole decade.  It took many old friendships.

But it also brought me so much.
The horizons of my world are so much wider now.

Here are some of the favourite memories:
- Pamela: all the wonderful moments from our travelling together in four different countries on two continents
- Mali: starting my Saturday morning with another great post from her . And remembering one lovely afternoon spent with her and her husband two summers ago.
- thinking of all kind emails in the last two years that I exchanged with my best pen-friend from the state of New York. I have learnt so much from her!
- Friendship with BentnotBroken:  I love reading her blog and I love exchanging emails with her. Exciting: she is planning to visit Europe (including my country) in 2018. Can't wait!!!
- Kaymet and Irouwen from France who helped me with pictures from Normandy that meant so much to my father-in-law (and also to my husband)
- exchanging emails with Lara who did interview with me:
- ....

 I am grateful and happy that you are part of my life.

A random thought on egg freezing. Do woman really think if they freeze 10 or 20 eggs that this is a gurantee for 2 healthy children for later?

I made a quick calculation. In 9 cycles of IVFs my body produced the total of 45 egg cells.
45 egg cells resulted in many embryos. And none living child.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

My vegetables

I am so proud, I am really getting good at growing my organic vegetables. 
The eggplant, tomatoes, basil and zucchinis: were already part of our dinner. Delicious!

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Meet my Wolfie

Photo of my Wolfie was taken on Sunday walk through the forest. He is only 5 months old, so he gets tired very quickly.

He is a very nice puppy. The cutest thing - he has chosen me as his favourite person from his pack. 

Wolfie isn't lucky with health - he has some terrible skin allergies (his belly and legs are in bad rashes). Summary of our 3 months together: 12 visits at the vet, 3x 10 days of antibiotics, 1 x steroids, now daily antihistamines.

We hope it is only food allergy, they are the easiest to handle.

Vet said that the tests for allergy are reliable only when dogs are at 8-12 months old... so we can not test him until now.

We are now buying one of the most expensive foods available: 

(only Canadian food is good enough for Mr. Wolfie, he refused English, German and Swiss dog food :)

He is already a bit better. But it was so sad few weeks ago, he had so many side effects from antibiotics that he looked so ill as our previous dog, few months before passing away.

I love Wolfie. But I am really sure that he is the last dog of my life. Too many things can go wrong, too many worries... 

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Me, selfish?

How I miss the times when my older niece was little. When she took me for who I am, without any judgement.

Random fact: I never ever talked about my infertility with my parents nor my brother. They never asked anything (out of politeness). So I just didn't tell anything. It is awkward: how do you start talking about infertility with your parents?

But they do know, since somebody from distant not-blood related family met me at the fertility clinic years ago and told person A who told person B who told...

Back to my oldest niece. She is now almost 8. Until now it was always the most natural thing: that in my life there is my husband, we live together in a small flat. Alone.  And this was always the most normal thing. This is the way our life is.

Here is conversation that she started out of the blue, on the stairs of their house, also my parents and my brother were present.

Niece: "Klara, so, are you planning to give birth to my cousin or not?"
Me (very shocked by the question): "Not."
Niece: "But - you mean not now or not ever?"
(I started to laugh since the situation was just so absurd, my parents and brother pretending to not hear anything  and also - because the girl really does not know that her aunt will be 50 in 7 years and that at this point questions like this are just silly.)  
Me: "Never ever!"
Niece: (who is - as most kids -not used to not getting what they want-started to scream): "But this is so very selfish from you!!!"
(Me, walking away from the conversation and finding excuse of going home early).


I guess now is time for my beloved Rolling Stones.
You can't always get what you want.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Accept childless life

I have just noticed that somebody new searched for "Accept childless life" and found my blog.
It makes me wonder, what did she (or he) think of the read posts?

Saturday, August 8, 2015


My favourite cousin invited me to the seaside, to spend some days with her and her two kids in camping, in a mobile home that she rented for the whole summer. 

It was lovely to get some extra days of sea & lots of swimming.  

It was nice to see her and the kids (aged 3 and 6). But at the same time it was just bitter-sweet. To see the life I could have and will never have. I felt just an outsider, being in a camping which is very family oriented which means sharing beach with 1000 toddlers. I tried very hard to do some reading on the beach, but I just couldn't .... too much screaming. 

I was looking a lot to spending some quality time with my cousin (who felt like my sister for almost all life before infertility). I know my cousin still loves me. But she was way more interested in talking with all new mommy-summer-friends that she needs in order to provide her children socialization. 

I understand it, but it doesn't mean I was not hurt.

There were some so cute moments that I just want to lock them in my memory and have forever. Like 3-year-old boy, coming in his cute pyjamas every night into my bed, asking if I could read his favourite book. I love this story too. I guess it is the best kids book for little kids that I know.
But, as always, it was bitter sweet. Knowing that I will never be able to rad this book to my kid.

Front cover

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

And still no kids, all these years later?

I have a new passion: reading Rowling's new books. I have already read The Cuckoo's Calling and now I am reading The Silkworm. I just love Cormoran Strike and his assistant.

I love Rowling's way of writing. A quote from  The Silkworm:

"And still no kids, all these years later?" asked Greg, smug father of three sons.
There was the tiniest pause. Strike knew that Nick and Ilsa had been trying for a child, without success, for several years.
"Not yet", said Nick. 

 The only time that infertility is mentioned is here.  I love the dialogue. 

How well do I know the tiniest pauses. And pauses that are not that tiny.