No new job & travelling

I was sad today... I did not get a new job :(

But looking on this from the bright side: I do have an old job. It is much easier to look for a new job if you have already one... much less stressfull. 

Unemployment rate is our country has been very high for the last few years (as in majority of the world), there are really almost no new job openings. So I guess it is not really likely to find anything soon (especially because I am looking for a job that is not less paid as my current job).

So I can easily take few weeks off work and go somewhere travelling in May with my husband. I will have an interesting week:  checking out different flights to different countries. I love travelling so much!

Survey

I just returned from the supermarket and a kind girl stopped me to make survey for super market store / chain.  I haven't been asked to participate in a survey for ages and since I did the same job as a student, I agreed to participate.

Everything went smoothly until demographic data.

Q: How old are you?    
A: 39

Q: Marital status?         
A: Married.

Q: Number of the family members?   
A: 2

Q: So you haven't got any kids yet?
A: No

Isn't it funny - I am 100 % sure that the question should be: Numer of the children in the family. But the student asked it in her own way.

All I know is that I am done with surveys for another decade. Because there is always demographic section with the question I do not want to hear.

My sister is not talking to me

Well, she is actually not my sister. She is my cousin, but always felt like sister. She is a mother of a beautiful two-year-old girl who adores me. And I adore her.

Last week we met at my parents house and her daughter was obviously sick (she had all the simptoms of a flu). In the last few years I caught a virus on several occasions from different kids - and that's why I do not want to be in the same room as sick kids. One of the benefits that childfree people have! 

Anyway. I explained that I really can not afford to get sick again (I already took some sick days in January) and that I prefer to meet when her daughter is well again.

And my cousin got really mad at me - accusing me of being selfish.  And left. And now she isn't talking to me.

To be frank, I do not really mind. It is her choice. She will come back, eventually.  I hope she will not come back before early summer. She will have her second baby then. And it is great not to see her too often during her pregnancy. I love the babies when they are born. But I am still not good at dealing with pregnancies.

Infertility does leave demage. I guess I will never be a good friend to a pregnant woman. It will always bring too many sad memories back.

The wrestler

As I already mention, one of great advantages of being childfree is to have plenty of time available for watching movies. I love movies!

I watched Mickey Rourke's The Wrestler some days ago. I really liked it. Sad & beautiful story.

There are two things that really stuck with me:

• having a child is not always source of hapiness. There was so much sorrow in the relationship between dad & daughter
• scene where the wrestler gave himself hormon injections was so sad. It made me think of all the hormons I took in the 8 years and how much damage I did to my  body. 

This movie has absolutely nothing to do with infertility. But I see the world through the eyes of infertility-survivor. So I see connections everywhere...

I wish you a beautiful day!

Forrest

Forrest is a great place to hide. Me & my dog have our favourite walk through beautiful forrest, the walk is aprox. 10 kilometers long. We normally do not meet even one person during the week. 

This week all newspapers, TV... have only two topics:
- all schoolchildren have a week off, which means that also majority of people with small kids take one week off ... so families are everywhere.
- today was the  the carneval, all children were dressed in costumes - similar to Halloween in USA, when children are ringing on the doors and asking for sweets and money (when I was kid, we asked for sweets, modern children now ask for money).

As you can imagine, I did not want to spend my afternoon admiring all other people's children, so I escaped to the forrest with my dog. It was a great plan, we had a lovely walk, as always. Fresh air & activities do wonders.

You can't move forward...

I like this lesson a lot!

I am sticking my neck out: I have my second job interview on Friday. Can't wait! Now they have chosen top five candidates so I have 20 % chance of winning.

The 20 % chance made me think of the IVF treatments. So please keep your fingers crossed for me that I have higher sucess in finding new job as in beating infertility.

Lessons of a Turtle

I read this little book written by Sandy Gingras yesterday and liked it a lot.

My blog bio

here is my new blog bio:

I am an almost 40-something European woman doing what I once thought wasn't possible: finding happiness after infertility. While it's been a long, difficult and emotional journey (10 unsuccessful IVF treatments), each day I take another step down the path toward a fulfilling new life. This is my story of reinvention.

I love it :)

Pamela - thank you for your help!
BTW: how I wish I could be with you in the plane this moment.... I love love love Australia! Enjoy!!!

Serenity Prayer

I was not even seventeen when I left home for the first time, for three months. I got my first job abroad, as an Au-Pair in Dublin. It was great experience. I remember taking my first flight ever and sitting next to an old lady. She said to me: "How lovely. We are flying over the clouds." My English was so bad that I understod the sentence only when she repeated it ten times. After three months  I got so good in English that I even started to dream in English!

I bought a little card with Serenity prayer in Dublin. And I still have it, more then 20 years later.

During my 10 IVF treatments I alway stuck only with the line: God, give me the Courage to change things. I was so sure that I could change my infertility.

Now I am already in the next level: having Wisdom to know the difference. And having Serenity to accept my infertility (since I know now I can not change it).

High temperature... again

It was lovely day outside: sun & blue sky & lots of snow. Unfortunatelly I spent it inside, I woke up with high temperature.



I did not go to see the doctor since I know what's wrong. My body is fighting the remaining of the infertility drugs that I received in August / September. I will get my period in few days and then I will be OK (at least for some weeks). How I wish that all those drugs leave my body!

And how happy am I to come to the decision to stop ALL infertility treatments. I have only one life. I can not play with my own life any more...

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

*********************************************************

One of the great things of being childree is luxury of having time. It was freezing cold morning outside, so I spent it with my husband watching Clint Eastwood's movie Invictus. We loved it!



I can not get these lines out of my head: I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul. So true!

If only she knew

We still have freezing temperatures in this part of Europe. I just had breakfast with my husband and he's already gone to work. But I like to stay a bit longer in my pyamas, drinking tea... I don't feel like living cosy warm home.

I have three coworkers who have the habit to start each day with a cup of coffee and complaining about their husbands. The list what the bad husbands did in the last few years is really long. The compaints are really about everything: not helping in the kitchen, not helping with kids, not attending school activities, spending too much time with friends in bars or doing sports with male friends, nightmare stories about mother-in-laws...

Luckily I do not share an office with those women, but I an quite often in their office since  we have copy and fax machine there.

One morning I entered their office and they were, as usual, in the middle of complaining. And then a woman, who was just telling a story, stopped and said: "Girls, I just realized something. Klara has never ever said anything bad about her husband in all those years!"

It was  nice to hear that and I also realized, that this was completely true. I just laughed and explained, that this was because we were truely happy together.

The coworker just sighed and said: "Well, just wait untill you  have kids. It changes everything."

I did not comment any further. I only thought "If only you knew!".

Freezing cold

It is a national holiday in Slovenia, so I have a day off to do whatever I want. My husband is working, so the day is completely mine.

When I do not feel like cooking for one ( and today I don't) I always phone my mum and invite myself for lunch. My nieces live in the same house as my parents and it will be nice to see them.

After lunch I have a date with an ex-coworker, it will be nice to see her again. We will have a short walk and then some  hot tea at my place. It is so freezing cold! In the morning we had -18C (-0,4 F) and during the day there will be -10C (14F). Soooooo cold!!!

Yesterday after work I took my dog for a long walk. It was lovely despite the cold. Volk loves Sibirian temperatures! And we haven't meet even one person outside.... we felt as the last survivors on Earth.

So, as you see, my life is nothing glamorous. But I like it the way it is. Cosy, peaceful life. My life.

Du fehlst mir

DU FEHLST MIR:
Du hast kein Gesicht,
aber Du fehlst mir.
Du hast keinen Namen,
aber Du fehlst mir.
Du bist mir nie begegnet,
aber Du fehlst mir.
Je länger Du nicht da bist,
desto größer wird die Leere in mir.
Je länger Du nicht da bist,
desto größer wird die Angst,
Dich nie im Arm halten zu können,
Dir nie die Welt zeigen zu können,
Dir nichts geben zu können außer meiner Tränen

******************************************************

When going through infertility treatments I read lots of different forums in neighbouring countries. And couple years ago I read this song. I thought it was beautiful. That reflects exactly how I feel. I remember reading it for hundred times. And crying my eyes out...

I read it today again, after not reading it for at least three years. Now all this sadness is just a memory. I really think that my infertility made me stronger and better. I would be another person without this experience.

If you don't speak German - google translator does wonders :)

Honeymoon

A comment from my reader from Canada - Nadine - made me think of our wonderful honeymoon almost a decade ago. Most of honeymooners go to something romantic - like 10 days of Maldivi or some Greek island or anything that includes lying on the beach and relaxing. Well, this is not exactly our style.

We bought Northern American Rail Pass (sadly it does not exist any more) and here is our perfect tour: New York - Niagara Falls - Toronto - Jasper National Park - Banff National Park - Vancouver - San Francisco - Glenwood Springs - Chicago - Washington - New York.

It was the best trip we ever made. We loved it!!! And the most beautiful places on Earth we have ever seen are Jasper & Banff National Park. You can see beautiful Maligne Lake (the picture is taken from internet, we did not own digital camera then). We are still dreaming of returning there one day.

We loved all the energy that New York have.
Niagara falls are fascinating.
Can't forget tasty burritos on Mission Street in San Francisco. And the beautiful warm day in November, walking across the Golden Gate.
We spent 4 days in Washington, visiting all Smithsonian museums. Loved them!
So much more...

We had video camera with us. I haven't seen the tapes for a while. They are lovely - I was showing off my wedding ring all the time. I was so proud to be married to the love of my life. At that time I was so sure, that everything that I dream of, will come true.

Well, actually.... all my dreams came true, except the one of having three children. Luckily I am already over the grieving process (or at least almost over) so I can focus on all the great things I do have in my life. And not to focus on one only thing that is missing.

BTW: can you guess what is our favourite American restaurant? McDonald's, of course :)

Master of living in the moment - meet the Wolf (Volk)

If I had to choose one thing that helped me overcome my infertility the most, that would be for sure my beloved dog. He has many nick names, my favourite one is the Wolf (=Volk in our language). He came into our life as 6-week-old puppy. And now he is already 5 years old. We love him so much!

I remember that after all failed IVF treatments (especially the ones at the beginning) I was so heartbroken that I just couldn't bear all the sadness any more. But, taking the Wolf for a long walk through the forrest always did miracles. He helped me to gain strenght from the happy moments we had together. Because with my dog I realized that not everything is black. That I just have to focus on all the happy moments that I can get. And getting plenty of physical excersise really does wonders!

The Wolf is really a master of living in the moment. He doesn't have any regrets or sorrows for the past. And he doesn't have any worries for the future. All there exists for him is: NOW.

So, who says that humans are the most advanced living beings on the Earth? I still have so much to learn from my Wolf!

Please, keep your fingers crossed for me!

I just came back home, from the first job interview in 10 years. Can you imagine? I have worked for the same company for 10 years.

The posibility that I will get this job is not that big since I am just one of many candidates. But it is nice to think about new opportunities that may be waiting for me.

I like the work that I do. But I do not agree with the way that our management runs the company. I wasn't really happy there for the last few years, but I kept it, because I needed it for social security (please read it: to easily have one year of 100 % paid maternity leave). Since now it is cristally clear that I will never ever take maternity leave (at least not in this life), I can easily start looking for a new job.

To sum it up: so happy!

I have a child. I have everything.

This is of course not my sentence. And it will never be mine. . I just heard it yesterday, from my coworker. She is not on permanent contract, so she will probably lose her job. And it was just a sentence to make her feel better. Since it is not a close coworker, she does not know my situation ... so I was not really hurt. I just found my way out from this conversation (I already master it!).

It just got me thinking... is having a child really everything?  Can you let your happiness to depend on  another human being?  I didn't have a choice actually. But it is quite nice feeling to be independand. Only I am responsible for my own happiness.

There are still days that I am dreaming how beautiful would be to have a beautiful baby girl. Who would look exactly as Angela (for example): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7UFm6ErMPU

But I know that majority of children are average looking, avarage smart, average... in everything. But my child will always be exceptional in everything... in my dreams.

Not all dreams come true. It is just fact of life... Getting older (and I hope wiser)... helps to embrace whatever future brings to me.