I was not even seventeen when I left home for the first time, for three months. I got my first job abroad, as an Au-Pair in Dublin. It was great experience. I remember taking my first flight ever and sitting next to an old lady. She said to me: "How lovely. We are flying over the clouds." My English was so bad that I understod the sentence only when she repeated it ten times. After three months I got so good in English that I even started to dream in English!
I bought a little card with Serenity prayer in Dublin. And I still have it, more then 20 years later.
During my 10 IVF treatments I alway stuck only with the line: God, give me the Courage to change things. I was so sure that I could change my infertility.
Now I am already in the next level: having Wisdom to know the difference. And having Serenity to accept my infertility (since I know now I can not change it).
My thoughts echoed yours when I read the prayer just now.
ReplyDeleteYou were so brave to move for 3 months to a different country when you were 17. I moved to Alaska for a few months when I was 18 but I had my older sister there with me. I can't imagine doing it on my own!
I definitely was brave when I was young.... I miss the days when I was so sure that ANYTHING is possible, if I decide so.
DeleteI remember crying almost everyday for six months - because my mother did not want to sign consent that I am allowed to go abroad to work. At the end she was fed up with my tears so she just gave up. Well, and having Dad on my side also helped :)
I was a good pupil so I was allowed to finish school a bit early and start a bit later.
And the next year (when I was 18) I went to London, also as an Au-Pair. I liked London better because I had nicer family there and nicer family.
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Alaska must be lovely - I hope I will see it one day
Do you ever wonder what will be the turning point? I ofter wonder if I will ever find acceptance of my infertility. Will I be old and grey and still feel the loss? People tell me I will be happy again - I want them to be right but it feels like it will be a forever roller coaster. I guess time will tell.
ReplyDeleteI promise - you will find acceptance. It might take some years, but acceptance will come. You will be happy again.
DeleteI have two nieces, one is 4, another is 6 months old. When my first niece was born I was just after unsuccessfull IVF treatment number 6. I was heartbroken. And my brother getting a daughter made everything even worse. Of course I was happy for him / his wife / my parents. But I just couldn't bear all the happiness. I avoided their house as much as I could, since each visit was a torture for me. There are some photos (I did not develop them): me holding 6-week-niece. I can not bear to look at my eyes. They are so sad.
But now, after coming to decision to stop crazy IVF-train of 8 years, I did find my peace. Of course I am not completely healed yet (otherwise I wouldn't need this blog which is actually my therapy). But when I got my second niece, it was great. I was really happy. It is nice to watch her and her bigger sister growing up.
I've always loved this quote, but IF really made this quote become much more meaningful than it could have been. I also have a fridge magnet with this quote on it. :-D
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