Seeing My Story Reflected Back

 

I entered some information into ChatGPT, and this is how it represents accepting childlessness.

I quite like it!

 

My Christmas wish

 

I have the same Christmas wish as the last nine years. 

I would like to receive an email from you. 

To know who you are. 

Where you come from. 

Why you read my blog. 

What my blog means to you. 

Has it helped you in any way?

 I promise not to publish your email or misuse it in any way. 

And I promise to write back!

 My email: klara.soncek (at) gmail.com 

I am looking forward to Christmas :)

 

PS: on the photo:  Piran & Christmas lights

Investing in my own health

 

I have been thinking a lot about financial stability in old age. I think I worry a lot more than my colleagues with children. I don't think any of them are planning to rely on children. But emotionally they feel much more secure.

I know that for me and my husband - that we can only rely on ourselves.

I have been discussing investments with some of my friends. One of them said that she thought the best investments were investments in your own health.

I loved her point so much!

I never thought about it - but I have invested a lot in my own health over the last few years.

Two photos from this summer 🌞:

1) Swimming in the crystal clear sea in Dalmatia is really good for my health!

2) Picking strawberries, blueberries and chanterelles during a long hike in the Julian Alps.

Madrid

 

I am reading a book written by a young woman who had a stroke ten years ago when she was only 25. I loved one of the sentences in her book. She said that it took her many years to see herself for who she was and not just as a person who had had a stroke.

It made me realise how much infertility has defined the way I see myself.  I am so much more than my infertility. There are so many wonderful things in my life. I just don't want to focus on my childlessness any more.

I would like to show you some beautiful things that I experienced in 2023 that I haven't had time to share with you yet.

I visited beautiful Madrid. I stayed there for a few days for work. And although I had almost no free time, I managed to visit the Prado again. I love the beautiful paintings of the Prado so much!

You hold them close to your heart

 

I have just returned from a two-day teambuilding and New Year's Eve party with my colleagues. It was OK for the most part, but there was one thing that really bothered me.

Part of the team building was a talk (by a hired professional) on how to make the most of our time. And to start with, each of us had to answer two questions: What are we most proud of in our lives? What will we be most proud of in 2023?

If I were with a group of close friends, I would have no problem answering.

My husband and I have gone through the dark years of infertility with 10 failed IVFs and it has made our love for each other even deeper, stronger, gentler and more beautiful.

Regarding 2023 (and 2022): I am proud of my husband. He went through a hell of a time grieving the sudden death of his beloved nephew. On top of that, his elderly mother became very ill and he lovingly cared for her. She died in her sleep a few weeks ago.  And through it all, he has remained strong, living each day to the best of his ability and solving all the problems that come up day after day. I admire his strength and his love. And I am proud of myself. I have been there for him every step of the way.

But these things are very personal and I am not prepared to share them with random colleagues.

Most of my colleagues responded / were proud of / included something about their children. And almost all the answers received warm applause.

My answer was that I was proud of myself for learning to make time for things that are important to me, like going for a walk every day.

My short speech didn't get any applause.  

Not that it really mattered, but it still bothered me. Until yesterday.

Yesterday I was looking at the latest:  https://gateway-women.com/firesidewisdom-rolemodels/

and came across a beautiful thought by Donna Ward. When I heard it, I suddenly felt at ease, at home.

"When you get to a certain age, you realize what your achievements are, and you have done those things. No one else has done those things. And your friends who are living a life that is of the mainstream will never understand the achievements you have done. You hold them close to your heart and that is what makes you walk well in the world, those achievements." 

PS: on the photo: our capital, Ljubljana, in Christmas lights

Waiting too long? (btw: my 1000th post!!)

I stopped counting how many times have I heard a comment about childless woman who waited too long with decision to start a family and then it was too late. The comment was never addressed directly to me, but in conversation. 

What does it actually mean waiting too long? I had to wait until finding the love of my life. And this can take some time (and some luck!). 

This is the 1000th post of this blog and I am dedicating it to my husband, the love of my life. I am very grateful to have met him.  I am glad he proposed me on this beautiful Dalmatian island (photo above). 

I am sharing a post that I wrote 10 years ago: 

https://thenext15000days.blogspot.com/2012/09/my-favourite-song.html

I still feel exactly the same as I did 10 years ago, when writing those lines <3 

I don't have to justify my existence with anything

 

I met a dear friend of mine. We met while going to the IVFs at the same time. She was one of the lucky ones, I wasn't. 

Our paths parted, but whenever we meet - it feels like yesterday. I can't imagine going through the hell of failed IVFs without her. I have always loved her.

We went for a walk together and it was nice. But then, out of the blue came her comment that one doesn't need to have children of his own in order to leave a mark in this world. That I could decide to help someone in need. 

In old times I would just take the comment and wouldn't say anything.

But I am done being quiet.

I said that me as a childless person don't have to justify my existence with kindness. If I choose to help someone, it would be my decision as a human being (where it really doesn't matter your reproduction status). 

I live. I am a decent person. I am kind (most of the time). But to be frank, the world many times isn't kind with me.

Will comments like that ever stop to hurt? I guess not.

But what is a good thing: they don't hurt a lot and they don't hurt long.

And as always: a long walk in the forest helps me feeling better. I love autumn colours. 

Bread by Klara

Since I got some emails / comments / compliments regarding my bread I decided to share my recipee with you. If you wish to see a video (in my language) from a lady who bakes her bread, just send me an email to: klara.soncek (at) gmail.com  ... and I will happily send you the link.

INGREDIENTS

·         500 g flour (usually I put 400 g white wheat flour and 100 g spelt flour, but you can put any flour you wish)
·         13 g fresh yeast
·         1/3 teaspoon sugar
·         2 teaspoons salt
·         about 0,33 l of lukewarm water
·         1 or 2 tablespoons olive oil

Grid the yeast into a cup, add a 1/3 of teaspoon of sugar and a little lukewarm water. Stir and allow the yeast to rise in a warm place.

Sift flour by dumping it into a strainer over the mixing bowl (this gets air bubbles into the flour). Make a little space in the middle of flour and put there risen yeast. Mix with electric mixer for 1 minute. Then add the water, salt, olive oil. The exact amount of water depends on the flour itself.

Using an electric mixer, knead the dough until you get an elastic dough that just deviates from the bowl.

Then knead it by hand into the desired shape and leave it to rise in the rising bowl until it almost doubles in volume (aprox 40-50 minutes).

When it has risen enough, shake it on a floured surface and knead it with your  hands again.

I love to decorate the bread with the help of flour, thread and Swiss knife***.

Leave the bread for another 20 minutes to rise on a tray covered with baking paper (cover the bread with cotton cloth). Place the model in a warm place so that the dough rises again. I leave the bread in the kitchen and I make sure that no window is open.

I  always use my steam fan oven: 180°C for 50 minutes. 

(other advice is: bake it for 15 minutes at 220°C and then another 20 minutes at 200°  in ordinary oven where you add a pot with water – this creates steam that makes bread crunchy and delicious).

Using the baking paper, take the baked bread out of the oven and place it on the wooden desk to cool, covered with cotton cloth.

Dober tek! Bon appetit!

***Swiss knife was a gift from my bloggie friend from Switzerland. So baking bread in a way always reminds me how beautifully I am connected with many kind souls around the world who – just like me – are trying to find their own version of happiness in a life after infertility.