Monday, January 5, 2015

5th of January

I was doing very well during the holidays. I was glad, this means that the darkest years of infertility are already gone.

But then something happened today. I take it as a reminder that I am not OK and that I probably never be OK, at least not completely. 

A colleague at work invited for a short coffee & cake celebration of her birthday. There were 10 of us, only women. As it often happens in gatherings like that, when people do not have much in common, they start to talk about children. Today's topics:
  • which fairy tales are good and which not
  • detailed description of New Year's celebrations with children
  • counting how many of the 10 women has a perfect pair of children (=meaning one daughter and one son).
All I wanted was to scream and leave the horrible torture. 
I didn't leave. Since it would be just to obvious that I left.

Interesting part is how other people don't care. Nobody noticed that I didn't speak even one word. Nobody noticed that my soul was dying.


One of this year's resolutions is that I will try to focus on the positive things.

So today's positive thing: 
Me and my DH are celebrating today 13 years since our first date. He is the love of my life. I am really happy that we met. I can't imagine my life without him.


  1. My heart is broken for you right now. It is so hard to sit there with a smile on your face and pretend that nothing is wrong when all you really want to do is run away and cry. Sending a huge virtual hug to you.

    I hope you and DH have something fun planned to celebrate your first date anniversary!

  2. Those conversations are always hard. I think it is a topic that is perceived as being one that most people can talk about (except for those of us who cannot).
    I used to think that it was funny (quirky) that in the UK people talk about the weather all the time, and in Japan they talk about the food, but now I realise that those are safe subjects that allow everyone to participate in a group conversation, or one where you don't tknow the other person very well...
    And happy celebration of meetings!

  3. Happy 13th date anniversary!

    I'm so so sorry you felt your soul was dying. These days, I try to participate in these conversations, using my own experiences, either as a child or as an aunt. I do think the "perfect pair" conversation was particularly obnoxious though. I suspect one or two did notice you didn't join in - but I'm really sorry they didn't speak up for you. Hugs. This sort of thing gradually hurts less and less, I find. Healing is a long process.

  4. Eeeekkkk...I'm so sorry that they left you out like that and they didn't even notice/do anything to involve you.

    Anyway, happy 13th date anniversary! Wishing you many more lovely years together!