Monday, March 26, 2012

Adopting? No, thank you.

At the beginning of our infertility path I was sure that if IVF treatments didn't work out, we would adopt. My DH was actually always against the idea of adopting, but I didn't really argue with him since we were SO sure that IVF treatments will work out eventually. But even after all failed IVF-s I never tried to persuade him. Adopting a child is too huge thing to try to persuade somebody into it.

Some years ago we bought pure-bread 7-week-old puppy and brought him home.  (I know that you think - what possible connection can a dog have with adopting a child - but I promise - it has!) We were very happy to have him (The Wolf) for the first two months, but then our nightmare began. He started to grow up and show his extremly dominant character. And my DH & me are not dominant at all. But I was the weaker of the two of us, so The Wolf decided to attack me. And he was attacking me for whole year - it was terrible. We couldn't sleep for many nights. And all we wished was to be alone. For good. Without him. And we kept talking - isn't it great that this is only the dog that we regret of having... how horrible feeling would it be that we adopted a child and then regreted our decision.

I read studies that told that many adoptions go wrong because character of the child is completely different as the character of parents. And adopting a baby you know absolutely nothing about child's character. And I believe that 80 % of everything is predominated by genes.

There are only 5 kids available every year for adoption in my country (and aproximately 300 certified couples waiting for a child). And we have a law saying that 1 year after adoption a birth mother can change her mind and take the baby back. It would break my heart... I am just not willing to take this risk.

Many couples from my country go to Russia to adopt a child. Total cost is aproximately 30.000 EUR (huge amount for us, since everage nett wage in our country is 980 EUR per month). But to tell you the truth, I do not trust Russian system. If even in Spain they kept stealing babies untill 30 years ago - how can I be sure that there wasn't some unjustice done to  parents that had their children taken away?

We have been in the train of wishing & hoping & having our heart broken for million times for the last 9 years. We are just done with wishing & hoping.  We just want to live. Now. Life. Our life.

I know myself. I just know that adopting a child wouldn't erase my desire to have our biological child.
I love so many things about my husband. I would love to have his child. A child with his bright smile. His great mind. His kind heart.  No adoption can give me what I really want. His biological child. Our child.

With the help of Cesar Millan (Dog Whisperer) we learned how to deal with The Wolf. So our life togehter now is a happy now, we love him so much!  But - it is not necessary that also our story of adoption would have such a happy end. And we are just now willing to take any chances...

Having a beautiful family of two with a dog is also a great thing :)


  1. Me too, when I was first confronted with infertility, adoption was plan B in case the IVF failed. However, after our last and final IVF, I wasn't sure anymore. I was too emotionally tired to go through all the process required to adopt. Also, since we are not married, it's even harder to adopt internationally. I know a couple who has been waiting for 4 years with no success. I cant put my like on the back burner again. Like you, I was eager to reclaim my life.

    So happy things work out with your dog !

    1. dear Nadine,
      nice to read your comment! Yes, I also know couples waiting for years for adoption with no success. I am just not willing to loose any more additional years with waiting.

      Another thing - if we adopted, that would mean that we have to deal with difficult teenager when we are 60+. And all teenagers are difficult. And however I still regret of never having a small child. I do not regret of never dealing with any teenager :)

  2. Adoption can be a wonderful thing, but it's also a very complex situation (nobody "just adopts"), and it's not for everyone. There are many valid reasons why a couple might decide adoption is not for them, and they are very personal to each couple. I think it's great that you & your husband thought things through and decided what was best for YOU. : )

    1. dear Loribeth,
      thank you for your comment. So nice to hear from you!
      I agree that adoption can be a wonderful thing. I admire people who decide for this path.

      Yup, we had lots of years to think things through :)

  3. People just don't understand that it's not as easy as it sounds in their heads until they are faced with the situation and soul searching that this decision brings. Thanks for sharing this.

    1. I love sharing things with you...
      It really helps me.
      I read on Amel's blog today that Blogging is THE BEST kind of FREE therapy ever!!!! I agree!

  4. Hey, Klara!

    Honored to be mentioned here he he...I'm glad that now the Wolf is under control and the three of you live a happy life together. :-D Hubby and I are also not dominant types and when we started TTC I also had this worry that if we got a dominant child, then we'd have so much trouble. But anyway, now we don't need to worry anymore he he he he...:-D

  5. I also thought I would adopt. Still haven't ruled it out entirely, but it looks unlikely. I recently heard a story about a friend of a friend who adopted. The woman in question has a biological child and an adopted child, but she is having a lot of issues now with her biological child, who seems to be suffering from some severe adhd. A big fear that I'd had about adoption is precisely that fear that I might not bond with my child. I have a niece and nephew who I love with all of my heart... but I'm not exactly one of those people that is in love with all children and all babies. For me, it really depends on the kid... like adults, I really like many, but certainly not all.

    1. dear Iris,
      I completely understand you. With some children I can have a bond in a second. And some children are just annoying and I do not really want to have anything with them. But it is completely the same with adults.

      Everything might work out well with adoption. But it could be a disaster. And I really do not wish to gamble with it.

      Another example. At my job I meet quite a lot of new people every year. But out of 100 people - how many do I really really like?