Monday, October 1, 2012

If only she knew II

I have a new resolution. I will try to avoid multiple dates with mommy-friends for the next decade. I can handle only one mommy-friend at once.

Reason: if there is topic that I do not like, I can get our conversation to another, safer path.  For example - if I was only with one mommy friend, I would just stop participating in conversation with a topic "all details from the last school gathering of my first grader". But when two friends have a need to discuss every single detail in front  of me, it is impossible. I hate being invisible.*****

I was invited to celebrating a birthday of a friend. We went for a delicious cake, there were three of us. 

One of the girls is a good friend.

Another is a friend from the past, our friendship was seriously damaged because she did not know how to handle my infertility issues (her way of dealing of unpleasant issues: Let's stay positive & Do not even mention anything  at all. If we do not talk about, it means everything is perfectly fine.).

But she is kind and I still wanted that she knows me better.

So when there was a topic of why it is so popular to moan about husbands, I told them this story:

My real friend understood the point.
But my distant friend's comment was: "Oh my God. Children should bring couple closer together!" She completely missed the point of what I was actually trying to say.

Anyway, I really really love to spend my time with my DH. and our Wolf. They never ever hurt my feelings.

*****Why people do not get it which topics are safe area for somebody who has invisible scars? Few days ago I went for a long walk with another friend and my dog. We spent many beautiful hours together. This friend is single, childfree. She is single because she never met the love of her life. And I know she is a bit sad about it (she is two years older then me). Anyway, whenever I am with this friend, I am careful that I do not say something that might hurt her. Why can't other friends do the same for me?


  1. I know what you mean totally.... I do have some friends who 'get' me, and it helps that some of 'em are childless, some have kids, but already adults (and having no plans to get grandchildren anytime soon.) Unfortunately none are in town, so that sucks.... I used to have one child-free friend but now that she is pregnant (that type of "oops" pregnancy which IMO is the worst of all) so I'm very much like looking into the window, looking at the Christmas lights and decorations, and no way to get to them... that sucks, so I know..
    I wonder for the single friend you have- have you talked with her about what she'd like to talk- might surprise you that she might like to talk fantasty and suppose ifs, about finding someone (I certainly do, and i don't feel sad despite that I'm in my early 40's- just that I'm not in any hurry to find someone- if it happens, great, if not..perhaps later on.. I'd not want to marry someone quickly to find that it a mess (and divorce is co$ty!)- or you could set up road trips or vacations with the single friend- there's always things to talk about, not marriage, on vacation (of what to see, to discuss over, debates, etc)... For other friends- you do respect 'em..but sometimes they can be... ..well...if you know the answer, I'd like to know too. :-/

  2. HUH?!?!?!?!?! That's what she said? I'm SURPRISED!!!

    And here I am thinking that children would actually (esp. when they're still very young) "get in a way" of the quality time between hubby and wife. If they're not careful and if they focus too much on the children, the relationship between man and wife will suffer.

    But anyway, if you know that you can only handle one mommy friend at a time, then it's a wise decision for you. Only you know your own limits. :-)

    When it comes to choosing safe topics...I used to feel frustrated about it, too and on my moody days, I'd even write a wall post in Facebook encouraging people to THINK FIRST before they say/write something, esp. when it comes to delicate topics like marriage and children (or the lack of them) 'coz in Indo both are really considered "normal" chit-chat topics for ANYONE. But at the end of the day when I'm not moody, I realize that it's better to just lower my expectation and try to put this into my head: "Don't expect anyone to understand. Those who are willing to understand WILL understand. Those who aren't will never understand no matter how much I try to inform them about me."

  3. My husband and I sat at the dinner table a few weeks ago and he said, "we need new friends". It is sad, but like you, unless there is just one of them...I can't take it.

    I have a group of college friends that either are not married, or don't have kids. One of them more recently added a baby to his family, but when in the company of the rest of us...he goes with the flow and never directs conversations towards kids. I suppose when this group wants to get together, we drop everything - because it is not that often you can find such a gathering.

  4. I wish everyone were as kind and self-aware as you. What you're asking for isn't anything extreme. In fact, it's really quite simple, you want only to have your life acknowledged. While you are willing to do this for another friend, clearly some people are unwilling or unable to oblige in return.

  5. The whole "children should bring couples closer together" has been shown to be completely wrong. Like people who have kids to try to "save the marriage."

    These days I would debate that with the person. But in the early days/months/years I wouldn't have.