I have 7 aunts & uncles all together and I don't feel connected to them at all. I wasn't connected even as a child. So -- no bad feelings.
One of my aunts visited my parents couple of days ago. She is Dad's younger sister who lives couple of hours drive away so I haven't seen her for few years.
We spent some hours together: aunt, her husband, her two sons in early 20's, my parents, my brother & his wife & their two daughters and me & my DH.
It was frustrating to see how uninterested my aunt was in me. I tried to have a conversation, but was not successful. She didn't ask me even one question - like where I work now, if I like my work, whatever. But she had millions of questions for my brother & sister-in-law. Of course all related to child-bringing.
I know there are women that are actually able to talk only about babies & children. It is just sad to see that my aunt is also one of them.
***
I have a special programme in cases of people like my aunt. I just don't see them. Ever again. So that they can not hurt me again.
The programme works perfectly fine. It is just that I have every year less people. Which is fine by me.
Infertility has learned me to appreciate the people that I DO have in my life.
I had to re-read your post to process it right and to think long. It just hadn't entered my mind that there are family that'd even alienate you for other reasons but deafness. I'm deaf, so many relatives don't talk with me (either not seeing point in talking with me if I can't "speak", or they use someone else (other relative) to translate, never mind that I'd write back and forth. Some relatives even expressed dismay when I'd approach them and sit down with a smile, and write something on paper- they keep conversation very briefly, while chatting for hours and hours with other relatives. So that's what I had learned all my life, so reading your post made me realize something; connections doesn't mean communication alone, but of finding similiarites (as in your case, having children and childbearing, and for my case, having expectation for everyone to share the same language.) Interesting thought- thanks for helping me realize that. :)
ReplyDeleteI do know that some relatives are relieved that I don't have children- oh they DON'T say it... but they visually are relaxed around me after my surgery- I might be deaf, but I ain't blind.
I'm glad that you already are aware of the aunt's limitations, although hurtful she had caused you during your trying to connect with her. It's her flaw, not yours. You know?
Like you, I have found folks who really value my presence in their lives without expecting me to be *LIKE* them 100%.
GEEZZZZZ...I can't believe an aunt can be like that, but I agree with Wolfers about her limitations, though I would like to think that if I were in the aunt's place, I'd at least make the effort.
ReplyDeleteI'm GLAD you've found an efficient special program to handle cases like your aunt, though. :-)
I REALLY REALLY LOVE your last sentence. Here's to the people who accept us the way we are, who make some effort to understand, and those who actually do understand!!!
I love Wolfer's response. I don't think it's that she's personally rejecting you or uninterested. It just sounds as if she's one of those people incapable of talking about anything else other than children. My relatives (on one side) weren't ever that interested in me before I tried to have kids as an adult. I'd travelled, been to university, worked in the big city, worked overseas etc. They couldn't relate to anything in my life. And it rendered them incapable of having much of a conversation. Still would.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you appreciate those who are in your life because they love YOU.
dear Wolfers & Amel & Mali,
ReplyDeletethank you for your comments.
It is beautiful to wake up in the morning, have cofee and find kind comments from USA, Finland and New Zealand. Internet did widen horizonts of my world !
hugs!
I ditto Mali, Amel and Wolfers... It got me thinking that I have/had two (one of them passed away a few years ago) childless aunts who have been second mothers to me. My other aunts/uncles had children, and either because they lived overseas, or because they were just focused on their own kids, I was not as close to them as I was to my childless aunts. I'm really, really close to my nephew and niece, especially my niece, and I think childless aunts make really awesome second moms!
ReplyDeleteI have found this same situtation in extended family situtations also. I figure if their range of connections with other people is that narrow they are the ones truly missing out.
ReplyDeleteA very similar scenario that I face now with my own mother in law. She cannot communicate with me unless it's to ask me to go to the store on my way home and pick up a jumpsuit for one of my nieces (you get the idea... completely oblivious to my situation and feelings). I have gotten to the point where all I see are my own family demanding I be the perfect Aunt, but have no idea that they have never been the perfect sister, or sister-in-law. Apparently it doesn't go both ways with them. Suffice it to say, I too have found the only way to deal with ignorant family members is to be away from them. Less is best in some situations. Thanks for sharing this, it really resonates with me.
ReplyDeletedear Jen,
DeleteI love the expression: less is best!
I couldn't agree more!