My Christmas wish

I have the same Christmas wish as the last seven years.
I would love to get an email from you.
To learn who you are. 
Where you come from.
Why you read my blog.
What my blog means to you.  
Did it help in any way?

I promise I will not publish your emails, nor misuse them in any way.
And I promise I will write back :)

My email: klara.soncek (at) gmail.com


I am looking forward to Christmas :)


PS: I took this photo in the city center of our capital - Ljubljana - few years ago.

The kids & fitting in

 

I love taking photos. I took my  nephews and nieces for a photo shooting. The light wasn't that great so the pictures aren't perfect. But they are beautiful anyway.

I don't have many opportunities to have kids just for myself, this opportunity was rare so I took advantage of it.

Everything was so easy and perfect. I drove to my home town to meet the kids. We went for a walk into the town centre and there was an event for kids so we stopped a bit to watch. I took the photos, we ate the cake. I didn't have any particular plan for that day, but everything came together just perfectly.  

I noticed that while attending the event, there were many people looking at me, nodding and greeting (nobody had as many kids as I did that day ;)  It was so easy to be a part of the town life. The town, that made me feeling invisible in the last two decades since I just didn't fit it.  

The youngest niece is now almost three and a half. She asked me where I live so I explained. I told her that I live less then one hour driving away from the rest of the family. She thought a bit and said: "Then you are probably very sad." I asked her how she meant. She replied: "Because we live all here and you live far away." 

I loved her for her comment. She isn't even four and yet she is thinking about how someone else feels. I saw so much of me in her. 

I explained to the little one that I am not sad since I have a car so I can visit them whenever I want.

****

I can't share the photo of the beautiful kids. So I am sharing a photo of the beautiful Slovenian mountains. I went hiking to 2.000 meters+ with my parents in October. My resolution for the 2023: to do many more hikes (hopefully my knees will agree with this plan).

 

When everything magically falls into place where it belongs

 

Someone has written how good it is not to know what lies ahead. It is not only good, it is excellent and necessary. Does anyone's life go the way they imagined it would when they were in their twenties? Probably no one. But that is not tragic at all. Life is varied, it is interesting, and we need to be aware of everything that is happening to us all the time. The whole art of life is to be able to face what is coming at every moment, even if it is sometimes unpleasant and something we would have gladly avoided.
At least for myself, I can say that I find that everything that happens to me is part of my life story, and I would never have planned it that way. If we had known what was coming, we would have been afraid of it all along. But in this way, at the right time, step by step, we are gaining the strength to face it. For me, that is a true miracle.

Written by: Metka Klevišar

There is so much wisdom in books in many different languages around the world that never get to be translated into English or any other important language. So I am sharing this beautiful text with you.

I have recently read a book in Slovenian language (it hasn't been translated) by a Slovenian doctor, Ms. Metka Klevišar. The title of the book is "Everyone has their own story, this is mine". I loved the title and I loved the book! After that I read another book, I translated one page from it so you could read as well. 

Ms. Metka Klevišar was born in 1944.  She got MS already when studying medicine, but she didn't let her disease define her. She worked all her life as a leading oncologist, she was active also in many other areas of life. She is childless (but this doesn't define her either).

Here is her blog in Slovenian language:

https://www.jozef.si/kategorija/blog-metke-klevisar/

With the help of translater: https://www.deepl.com/translator

it is very easy to read it! 

Childless aunts & Grandchildren & Paris

When I work something in the house I like to listen to radio where they cover wide range of topic. Yesterday there was a topic about inheritance and a lawyer was answering questions.

I am not joking - but half of the questions were about a childless aunt who died and who will inherit everything she owned. 

I hope at least some of the nephews and nieces who had many eager questions regarding inheritance were kind to their aunts. 

***

I attended a new language course today (it's French of course). There were 10 of us. We had to present ourselves. All the others have at least two children and at least one grandchild. 

They talked with such love about their grandchildren. 

But somehow it didn't make me sad. 

It is their life.

And mine is mine <3

*****

I am attaching a photo of a beloved city where I caught covid few weeks ago. Luckily I got sick only two days after coming home, so I could enjoy the days there.

Waiting too long? (btw: my 1000th post!!)

I stopped counting how many times have I heard a comment about childless woman who waited too long with decision to start a family and then it was too late. The comment was never addressed directly to me, but in conversation. 

What does it actually mean waiting too long? I had to wait until finding the love of my life. And this can take some time (and some luck!). 

This is the 1000th post of this blog and I am dedicating it to my husband, the love of my life. I am very grateful to have met him.  I am glad he proposed me on this beautiful Dalmatian island (photo above). 

I am sharing a post that I wrote 10 years ago: 

https://thenext15000days.blogspot.com/2012/09/my-favourite-song.html

I still feel exactly the same as I did 10 years ago, when writing those lines <3 

I get you

 

I visited the biggest stud farm in our country, I took a guided tour. I loved the horses & the autumn colours.

In the barn where only horses are, there was only one mare. I asked the guide why there was only one mare. She was too small so she never had a foal of her own. So she has been separated from other mares with foals, who can be outside on the pastures all days. 

The foal-less mare luckily has a job (she rides the carriage). But most of the time, she is inside.

I felt sorry for her.

It made me sad. How different and excluded she is. 

I stroked her fur and  looked into her beautiful eyes. 

When everybody left I whispered in her ear: "I get you."

I don't have to justify my existence with anything

 

I met a dear friend of mine. We met while going to the IVFs at the same time. She was one of the lucky ones, I wasn't. 

Our paths parted, but whenever we meet - it feels like yesterday. I can't imagine going through the hell of failed IVFs without her. I have always loved her.

We went for a walk together and it was nice. But then, out of the blue came her comment that one doesn't need to have children of his own in order to leave a mark in this world. That I could decide to help someone in need. 

In old times I would just take the comment and wouldn't say anything.

But I am done being quiet.

I said that me as a childless person don't have to justify my existence with kindness. If I choose to help someone, it would be my decision as a human being (where it really doesn't matter your reproduction status). 

I live. I am a decent person. I am kind (most of the time). But to be frank, the world many times isn't kind with me.

Will comments like that ever stop to hurt? I guess not.

But what is a good thing: they don't hurt a lot and they don't hurt long.

And as always: a long walk in the forest helps me feeling better. I love autumn colours. 

First covid

I was doing such a good job protecting myself from covid19 for the last 3 years. But I had to go on a business trip for few days, I met tons of people and I came home with covid. 

I was very ill for two days (almost 39 C & severe headaches). Today is the day number 5 of the illness and I am feeling already much better.

Luckily I have been vaccined 3x so far, so I hope that the worst part of the illness is behind me.

I am not afraid of anything any more

I have a friend whose teenage daughter died of cancer few years ago. When talking to her for the first time after the death of her child, she told me: "The most terrible thing that can happen, has already happened. And now I am just not afraid of anything any more." 

I am not comparing my childlessness to the loss of friend's child.

But only recently I thought about our conversation again and I realized, how devastating the childlessness was for me. In how many different ways it affected my life. I could say just the same. 

The most terrible thing that can happen, has already happened. And now I am just not afraid of anything any more.

Nobody should go through this alone

 It is a rainy Saturday and it is lovely to have time for reading the stories on World Childless Week.

I love Rianna's video story:

https://worldchildlessweek.net/mon-12-2022/nothing-could-have-prepared-me-for-this-sudden-silence

Exactly, nobody should go through this alone!

Our stories

 

Our stories:

https://worldchildlessweek.net/our-stories-2022

 

My story "The letter to you":

 https://worldchildlessweek.net/mon-12-2022/a-letter-to-you

 

 

Dalmatia, Croatia

 

 I have just come back from a lovely week in Dalmatia with my husband. I know many of you love seeing my holiday photos, so I am sharing my favourite three photos with you.

One day we went on a walk around Lovište, half island Pelješac and we came across a beautiful tombstone. There it was written in Croatian:

Ovdje je pokopano moje milo zlato, koje preminulo od kužne bolesti na 5.11.1918. Ožalošćeni otac Marko Popović postavi

Translation would be:

My sweet girl, who died of infectious disease on November 5, 1918, is buried here. Grieving father Marko Popović 

(moje milo zlato / is such a beautiful expression, I can't translate it good enough).  

We were admiring this beautiful tomb in the most wonderful nature you can imagine in silence. I was thinking about all the sadness that there once was. And how everything ends, also sadness.  

We were alone on that spot when suddenly an old couple came along. The man told us that he is a  nephew (or great-nephew) of a girl who is burried there. Her name was Ursula Popović, she died when 11. 

***

Second photo: our beach in Pelješac, opposite is town Korčula, island Korčula (according to some theories Marco Polo was born here).

Third photo: island Hvar, view from the balcony of our rented apartment.

Some new beautiful photos from sLOVEnia

 

First of all: thank you to all of you, my dear readers, who took time to leave a condolences message / email. They meant the world to me in those difficult times. 

The first three photos were taken on a difficult day, I had troubles concentrating at work so I just took a day off work and took a bus ride to spend a lovely day at Lake Bohinj (which is by the way my favourite place of all).  I was swimming whole day, the alpine lake is crystal clear and warm.

I read this book: https://www.bookdepository.com/Comfort-Book-Matt-Haig/9781786898296 and I liked it a lot. It was a beautiful gift from a friend of mine.

The third photo: Lake Bled. I stepped out of the bus just to take this photo, just before the storm came.

I can't do anything about changing the past. What I can do is to find energy to pack my things and go to the nature at least for a whole day... to see how many beautiful things this world offers. To forget the sadness just for a day.

I can't do anything more to help the older nephew. What I can do is to help the younger nephew and my husband. Few days ago I invited them for a beautiful long hike to the forest plateau Pokljuka (above those two lakes).

Peaceful eternal dreams, my dear nephew

 

I am very sad.

My husband is heartbroken.

His nephew died.

Suicide. 

I met him when he was not even 9 years old. He was such a perfect little boy. 

I loved him for 20 years (and so did everyone in the family). 

I will never forget the last sentences that I had with him, two days before he died. Could have I noticed something? If I sensed that something was wrong, could I say something that would make the difference?

The nephew was a wise old soul. I am sharing with you a beautiful birthday email that he sent to my husband when he was only 11.  I kept two letters from his childhood, they are both priceless.

"Happy birthday to you. I wish you many happy years and may as many of them as possible be with you Klara and all those you love. Love Klara because she is a good woman and she loves you too. May you be accompanied by kind people, love, warmth and joy. May God be with you and protect you and shower you with happiness."

Peaceful eternal dreams,  dear nephew.

***

On a photo: it is a mountain in Julian Alps, just over 2.000 meters high. We went hiking there yesterday, we invited also the younger nephew (who lost his brother).  Despite all the sadness, it was a beautiful trekking.

Happy 31st birthday, sLOVEnia!

Today my country celebrates 31st birthday. 

It seems like yesterday - when we declared independence and immediately after that the Yugoslav army attacked our country. Luckily the war in Slovenia lasted only 10 days. I will never forget watching the images of the bombing and tanks and crying so much, I was scared for my family (I wasn't at home during the war - I was an Au Pair in London that summer). I was just a scared teenager 31 years ago.

But the horrible war in neighbouring Croatia and Bosnia lasted 4 years.

Since the Russian attack on Ukraine I appreciate living in the free independent country even more. 

I wish from the bottom of my heart that the people of Ukraine will live in peace and freedom soon again.

***

A photo: cute ducklings at a beautiful Slovenian alpine lake, photo taken by me

You are competing only with yourself, not with the others

Have you read my previous post?

http://thenext15000days.blogspot.com/2022/06/done-skipping-life.html

I wanted to share with you the moment when I decided to attend the anniversary.

I have a friend who has a wonderful 10-year-old son. He got cancer when he was 3 years old and for many months it looked that he won't survive. Luckily we have good hospitals and they were able to cure him. He is completely healthy now.  But all the drugs left him with some minor learning difficulties. 

He has a silly teacher whose hobby is to make a special list: she sorts all her 25 pupils according to the average grades in the school year. This perfect little boy always comes in the last third of the list. 

I heard his mom encourage him before one of the tests: "You are competing only with yourself, not with the others." 

Exactly! 

I though to myself - if this brave little boy has the courage to go to the class every single day, I can have the courage to attend the anniversary once a year.

***

What made me happy today: fresh cherries picked up by my mom.

Done skipping life

We have a beautiful tradition with school-friends from high school (we were together from the age 15 to 19 years). We meet every year - first Friday in June. 

But for the last 15 years I didn't attend the anniversary. I dreaded all the baby talk & children talk & unwanted questions. 

This year I just decided that I am almost 50 and that I am done with skipping life.

I went and it was nice. 

It was lovely to talk about old memories.  

There were only three moments that I didn't feel comfortable.

1.  One school friend greeted the group when entering to the restaurant: "Do we already have any grandchildren??".  

2. One school friend boasted with his first two kids who are in early 20s and how he and his wife got a surprise third child and how a newborn is enriching their lives.

3. One school friend - a mother of two - asked me: "So Klara, how old are your children now?" She asked me the very same question in the last 10 anniversaries that I attended.

The remark 1 and 2 didn't make me angry nor sad - they weren't addressed directly to me. But remark 3 was. 

I am very glad that I did find the strenght and went. Why would I have to miss any more of the life?  I have missed - because of my infertility - already way too much.

A prayer

 

How to put million thoughts into few lines? I'll try. 

Yesterday  when I was cycling with my husband we passed by a church that had beautiful roses. I don't pray often but yesterday I stopped for a minute to say a prayer. 

I deeply admire the courage of Ukrainian people fighting for their country and for their freedom. The first prayer was for Ukraine and its people.

The second prayer was for me. I have just had minor surgery, skin cancer removal. I'm still waiting for the results of pathology. 

Hallein, Austria

 

My husband had to go to Austria for one day and he invited me to go with him. It was a lot of driving, but I am very glad I went with him. On the way back we visited this beautiful medieval town: Hallein (very close to Salzburg). 

This one day road trip reminded us how much we love travelling!

The seaside photos

I have spent 10 years of my life writing a blog about life after infertility. I am glad I've been writing about that - it has helped me with the healing. But now I think I am done with it. The infertility took away too much from me. Now I want to focus on the life that I have and enjoy in small things.

But even if I don't want to mention  that I don't have children, the fact is still there. I had a week off work and I wanted to go somewhere... just to change the scenery and have a little break. And I literally had no one to go with (my husband was very busy with work and all the rest have lives of their own that do not include having time for a holiday with me). 

Instead of regretting being so alone I just booked the room at the seaside and went alone. I had a lovely time! I did a lot of walking and I even swam in the Adriatic for the very first time this year. I also took a first cycling tour, the ice cream was delicious!

Invitation for a cup of coffee :)

 

I am sharing with you pictures from the favourite part of my country. I took a day off work to go for a walk here. It was just picture perfect (despite the cold wind). 

More info about this lake: https://www.bohinj.si/en/ 

More info about my country: https://www.slovenia.info/en 

Additional advantage if you choose my country for your next holiday: You can have a cup of coffee or tea with me :) 

The war in Europe

I love Lilly's latest post... her thoughts about the war in Ukraine are exactly the same as mine. I don't have anything to add, so I am just sharing her post:

 https://ablanknewpagebl.blogspot.com/2022/03/are-topics-i-wanted-to-write-about-in.html

 

 

Ukraine

I live in a tiny European country. From the our most eastern part of the country to the closest Ukraine town there are only 5 hours of driving by car! 

The war in Ukraine. How horrible. I worry.

I checked the statistics of my blog and it was visited 237 times by visitors from Ukraine in the last 12 months. 

I imagine who are they,  who were reading my blog. I wish you all the best, my dear readers from Ukraine. Stay safe. 

Happy & Healthy New Year!

 

I hope this post finds you well. I wish you, my dear reader, a happy and healthy 2022! 

The photo: was taken on the first day of the year, on a lovely walk with my husband. We did a short trekking in a beautiful valley Tamar in Julian alps. 

I recently celebrated 10 years of writing my blog. The writing has helped to heal my broken heart and soul. 

Here is the very first post:

http://thenext15000days.blogspot.com/2011/12/living-new-happy-life-after.html

Thank you for all of you who were there for me, supporting me with your kind comments / emails...