Merry Christmas

Wishing Merry Christmas to all my readers who celebrate it. 

Thank you to all who took time to write to me. I got 6 very kind emails from France, Canada, New Zealand, Australia, New Mexico and from north of the USA.  They mean a world to me!

But the first email that I got, wasn't  really nice. The reader from the north of Europe told me that my blog is often very bitter.  Guess what? I know it is bitter (sometimes). I don't need anybody telling me that. 

***

I was working very hard lately. I worked yesterday until the evening and then I cycled to Ljubljana's city centre... which is just magic with Christmas lights. I took some photos for you.

I loved walking around the city centre. Enjoying the moment. 

***

I am now 6 days off work. What a luxury! 

What I wish for Christmas

I have only wish for Christmas this year.
I would love to get an email from you.
To learn who you are. 
Where you come from.
Why you read my blog.
What my blog means to you. 

I promise I will not publish your emails. Nor misuse them in any way.

My email: klara.soncek (at) gmail.com


I am looking forward to Christmas :)




PS: photo above was taken in Perito Moreno, Patagonia, ten years ago. How I miss travelling! 

Who won?

I noticed that people who have their own kids, don't mention their nephews and nieces a lot. When they do, they usually mentioned them as playing buddies for their own children.

For childless people nephews and nieces are important.  They are the closest to our genes in the next generation.

One thing that was on my mind lately and it was never said before. So I will say it.

If you are a childless woman and you have a sister that has her own children - then you really have nieces and nephews.

But if you have only a brother who has his own children - you really don't have nieces and nephews. Since those children belong much more to  their mother's family then in yours.

How I looked forward to all the fun things I will do with my nieces one day (like teaching them English, reading stories, going to the zoo)!  My younger niece is already 4 and I didn't have her in her entire life not even for five minutes. My older niece is 8 and basically I can have her only once per year, for one afternoon, to visit Santa Claus carnival. All the other times I asked to have them, their mother found some kind of excuse why not. So I stopped asking.

Who won? Not me. And certainly not the girls.

Sad

Today it is one of those dark days that come when at least expected. I feel that I don't really live my life. All I do is ticking of tasks from my long to-do-list at work and from my to-do-list at home.

When did I have the last unplanned day, just for myself? Can't remember.

I guess happy-get-together with business partners did not help. I met a really nice colleague that I haven't seen for ages. We had two IVFs at the same time.  I knew that her first was unsucessful. But I didn't know if her second worked out or not, since she changed work and I never met her again.

I met her again today.  She has twins, aged 7. And soon after the twins were born, she got a surprise baby.

She is a nice girl, I am happy for her.
But at the same time I feel sad for myself.
I know. I am over 40. I should get over it. Most of the time I am doing pretty well. Just not today.

The beautiful scarf

Not many women in my age group (40+) are still lucky enough to have a granny.
I am among the lucky ones.

I have been working very hard lately (each day 10 hours+, including Saturdays). I have literally no time. Since I know the long hours are temporary, I don't really mind. But one  thing has been on my mind lately.

Everything will wait. But what if something unpredictable happens to my granny? I would forever regret for not taking time for her.

I visited her today, it was lovely.

She is now knitting a beautiful colourful new scarf for me. I can't wait to get it! I love scarfs. And I know this will be my favourite.   The things that I love I never throw away... so this scarf will  be mine always.

Christmas Lights

The Christmas lighst in our capital are beautiful. They are already lit and I can't wait to see them.
(the attached photos are from the last year).

Finding bits of happiness

Lately I have been quite happy at work. Especially since my work brings me to places that I wouldn't visit otherwise. I spent majority of this week at beautiful Lago di Garda / Lake Garda. Attached  photos: the Lake / Sirmione Castle (at the Lake) and from a small village closeby.

Have you read this post from March?

http://thenext15000days.blogspot.si/2015/03/i-can-see-that-you-dont-have-children.html

The old kind man from March's post invited me for a long walk, but I declined then since I didn't have time because of fixed meetings. I promised that whenever work brings me to Lake Garda, I will phone him. So I did. 

He took me for a short visiting tour of the lake, for a walk and for dinner. 

It felt good, talking. 

At one point, during the dinner, he said: "We are the same, you and me. Neither of us has kids." And then he started to talk about his regrets because he is childless. 

Later on, I still kept thinking about his comment. And what I really think is that we aren't the same at all. 

I spent a whole decade regretting not having children. But now I am done with regrets. I did my best to get a child, but it wasn't written in my destiny. It was not meant to be. What should I regret? 

While he... this is another story. When he was young, his girlfriend got pregnant. And he told her that he wasn't interested in having a child. So she just disappeared from his life. She moved to another country. He always assumed that she had an abortion and moved. But he isn't sure.  He never tried to find her (until now).

But if the girlfriend didn't have an abortion, his child would be more or less exactly my age. Perhaps I remind him of a daughter he never had.      

I really like him. But  I am afraid he is slowly loosing his battle with the cancer.

I am sad for him. But in the meantime I was reminded (again) how fragile life is. And how I have to grab bits of happiness wherever I can find them.

Perfect day at the lake

Enjoying warm Indian summer day with DH and Wolfie at the most beautiful lake.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lake_Bohinj

IVF Addiction

I have been so busy at work lately that I didn't have much time to follow anything online. So I read this brilliant post only today:
http://blog.silentsorority.com/ivf-addiction/


This is my comment to the post: 

I used to gather all the needles from my second round of IVF. It was a long protocol and I gathered all the needles and took a photo. Then, I was so sure that the IVF will work for us. I wanted to have a photo as a memory to show to my child one day.
I deleted the photo, after the negative result. But the photo is still very vivid in my mind.
Addiction. I couldn’t agree more. This is what I was, addict, in the first decade of my infertility.
I knew IVFs can leave me damage. But still, I just could not stop. I was so depressed that I literally did not care if I die. The word seemed so dark that I did not want to live if being childless.
The state fully paid for 6 rounds of IVF (also for ALL the drugs). But still, I wasn’t offered any counseling that I obviously needed much more.
I paid additional 4 IVFs by myself.
So yes, here I am. Living my life again, after 10 failed IVFs.
Breaking point for me was when I went to Czech Republic for the 10th round of IVF and the drugs caused me horrible side affects. I was so swollen – I gained 5 kilos in few days – it was water, I was all swollen, I had problems breathing and walking. That was the moment when I realized that I do love life. And that I want to LIVE.
That was the time I quit ALL fertility drugs for good.
And then I lived with my DH happily ever after :)

15th October

Infertility took a lot from me.

But on the other hand, it gave me so much. So many exciting, wonderful memories that will stay for me forever.

Exactly one year ago we landed at San Francisco airport for our 3-week-travelling around California & Nevada. Happy times.

Dear P&A: we are looking forward to many more travelling together in the next decades!

Good news II

My gyn has just made another ultrasound.
The cyst has gone, completely.
I am really happy.

(Now all I have to do is to put under control the reflux that has been bothering me for the last three months and then I have no further wishes).


PS:  This year I had 40 sunflowers on my garden, they were beautiful. The photo was taken a month ago.

Wolfie at the lake

Wolfie loved our first walk around the most beautiful lake.
So did we.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lake_Bohinj

The results are a relief

Thank you for all of your kind wishes!

I am going back in one week, for monitoring the size of the cyst. But I am not worried any more.

Angels with wet wings do not fly

I had an annual pelvic exam today. I entered to the waiting room and it was a huge relief to see that nobody is waiting. Usually the waiting room is full with pregnant women.

There were tons of different posters, commercials, fliers for pregnant women and women with infants. Then I had noticed small fliers with a title: "Angels with wet wings do not fly." I liked the saying, so I opened the booklet, since I was so sure it was something about infertility. No, infertility does not exist in that waiting room. It was info regarding postnatal depression.

I was called to a nurse, it is the same one who is handeling me for the last two decades. Her first question was: "Any delivery?"  I felt like screaming. I didn't scream. I just replied quietly "No".

She could only open my documents - it is all there. That I had 10 failed IVFs. No delivery. No baby.

Writing about it sounds silly. It hurt then. Now I couldn't care less.
If you get a big problem, you forget about the small ones.

My gynecologist was very kind, as always.

She found a cyst, almost 5 cm long, in my ovary. She said that it could be nothing. But it could be cancer.

Till today I didn't even know that a test with a name CA 125 exists.

 

Now I know.

One week of waiting before I get the results.

Do keep your fingers crossed for me. Please.

Veggies

Today's dinner, freshly picked from my vegetable garden:

Wolfie adores vegetables too:

Two for the price of one

Some of you might remember when I wrote about Teaching little Daisy:
http://thenext15000days.blogspot.si/2015/04/teaching-little-daisy.html

Daisy passed her final English test with 55 % and this was enough for positive mark. I was very happy (obviously also she and her parents were).

I kept meeting Daisy and her younger sister (one year younger) all summer, they live very close by. And also the younger was very interested in me- she started chatting with me whenever we met, she is also very cute.

I offered their mother that I can teach both girls, together.  And since the younger one is so eager to learn, they agreed. So now I always have both girls together. It is fun. They bring colours into our flat.

Photo was taken today. I gave them a little test. They had to write colours of the balloons and a prize (one balloon) was promised if they write well. Obviously they wrote well, so they could choose a balloon. And I gave two extra balloons for their baby sisters. It is lovely to see joy caused with such small gifts.

I love that I can use my creativity. For example. They love movie Frozen, they always watch it in our language.

They loved hearing it in English.

I am never sad when they are here. And I am not sad when they leave.

I just wish that I had two little girls of my own.... I guess I will always wish that.

One year ago...

I was planning our California & Nevada travelling.
Happy times!

How time flies!

This photo was taken 4 months ago (I loved reading with little Wolfie):

This 3 months ago (he adores driving, he understood the sentence "Let's go for a car drive"even at that early age):

And this few days ago:

Wolfie is an awesome dog. And I am still his favourite person of the pack.

1st of September

It was the first day of school today.
I am always a bit sad on this day. 
I think about all of our children who were never born.
I think about kids school books that I will never be able to buy.

I know. I should be grateful for the things that I do have in life and not regret the things that were not meant to be. It is easy to write down sentences like that. But it is harder to really feel that way.

My vegetables

I am so proud, I am really getting good at growing my organic vegetables. 
The eggplant, tomatoes, basil and zucchinis: were already part of our dinner. Delicious!

Meet my Wolfie

Photo of my Wolfie was taken on Sunday walk through the forest. He is only 5 months old, so he gets tired very quickly.

He is a very nice puppy. The cutest thing - he has chosen me as his favourite person from his pack. 

Wolfie isn't lucky with health - he has some terrible skin allergies (his belly and legs are in bad rashes). Summary of our 3 months together: 12 visits at the vet, 3x 10 days of antibiotics, 1 x steroids, now daily antihistamines.

We hope it is only food allergy, they are the easiest to handle.

Vet said that the tests for allergy are reliable only when dogs are at 8-12 months old... so we can not test him until now.

We are now buying one of the most expensive foods available:
http://www.petcurean.com/for-dogs/now-fresh/grain-free-puppy 

(only Canadian food is good enough for Mr. Wolfie, he refused English, German and Swiss dog food :)

He is already a bit better. But it was so sad few weeks ago, he had so many side effects from antibiotics that he looked so ill as our previous dog, few months before passing away.

I love Wolfie. But I am really sure that he is the last dog of my life. Too many things can go wrong, too many worries... 

Accept childless life

I have just noticed that somebody new searched for "Accept childless life" and found my blog.
It makes me wonder, what did she (or he) think of the read posts?

Outsider

My favourite cousin invited me to the seaside, to spend some days with her and her two kids in camping, in a mobile home that she rented for the whole summer. 

It was lovely to get some extra days of sea & lots of swimming.  

It was nice to see her and the kids (aged 3 and 6). But at the same time it was just bitter-sweet. To see the life I could have and will never have. I felt just an outsider, being in a camping which is very family oriented which means sharing beach with 1000 toddlers. I tried very hard to do some reading on the beach, but I just couldn't .... too much screaming. 

I was looking a lot to spending some quality time with my cousin (who felt like my sister for almost all life before infertility). I know my cousin still loves me. But she was way more interested in talking with all new mommy-summer-friends that she needs in order to provide her children socialization. 

I understand it, but it doesn't mean I was not hurt.

***
There were some so cute moments that I just want to lock them in my memory and have forever. Like 3-year-old boy, coming in his cute pyjamas every night into my bed, asking if I could read his favourite book. I love this story too. I guess it is the best kids book for little kids that I know.
But, as always, it was bitter sweet. Knowing that I will never be able to rad this book to my kid.

I only count the happy hours

Thank you for your kind comments and emails. I really appreciate them.

I've recently read Hilary Mantel's Giving up the ghost. I loved the quote "I only count the happy hours" so much. In situations like this, I need to focus on the happy hours.

And this is one of them - see the attached photo. Swimming with beloved Wolfie in my favourite alpine lake: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lake_Bohinj
3-hour walk around the lake is my favourite walk ever. I can't wait that Wolfie grows up, so he will be able to walk the whole circle.

***
I am only 42 but still, owning a little house is very important for me. Also for DH.
It is our financial security for old age.
When the time comes,  we could sell it and buy nursing care for us.
It is awful that I think about aging now.
We are way too young to think and worry about that now.
It just plain sucks, to be childless-not-by-choice.
If I had children, I would be calmer regarding aging.
Now I just know that this is the time that we have to build our financial security for old age. There will be nobody for us then.
We will have only each other.

Our new plan for the next few years:
Work more. Earn more. Save more. Spend less. No more travelling.
Start the new process of buying something smart somewhere in the future.

Regrets

I remember writing this post:
http://thenext15000days.blogspot.com/2012/05/tennant-creek-i-never-regret-things-i.html

How I miss the time, when I regretted nothing.
I still don't regret swimming at that pool and loosing my fertility.
It is just damage done when travelling. And I love travelling so much.

***

Lately there is one regret that paralyses me.
Me and my DH bought small piece of land few years ago in order to build a house.
We were dealing with bureaucratic issues for the last few years.
And now it is clear that it will be impossible to build there for at least 2 -3 decades. Perhaps even more. Which means that we had thrown away 70.000 EUR. Which is huge amount of money considering that an average nett monthly pay in our country is 990 EUR.

We are angry at ourselves. Mad. Bitter.

We regret throwing that money away.

We regret not having any other option right now. And we need to do something. We really can not stay in the flat we live now (it is higher floor, lots of stairs, no elevator - we just can not stay old and childless in that flat).

I am having a bad day today. It will be a new day tomorrow.

Summer

I love hot summer days. There are so much things to do. I always lack time in the summer. 

I am very well. Most of the time I am feeling happy, positive and just enjoying life. But then there are some events that remind me that I am not healed and I will probably never be.

*** 
I went cycling with my best girl-friend few days ago in the evening, when the heat was easier to handle. We both enjoyed our cycling & talking date a lot. I was telling her how lovely it is to have her back. When her kids were little, it was impossible for her to escape on Sunday evening for two whole hours. We talked, we laughed. Then, we passed by her parents' house and her mom was outside. My friend greeted her: "Hi granny."  It made me sad and angry. Why can't she address  her mom as she always did, as mom?  She is, after all, her mom. Her grannies died long ago. 

I didn't say anything. After all, I can't always give her instructions and limitations. And I know, I probably hurt her during the years of struggling with infertility (never on purpose, but I know I did, like declining to visit her when she was pregnant).

***

Opening the magazine and there was a title on it: "Kids change your black&white world to a colourful one".

I resent to accept any person with children to address my world as a black&white.

*** 

I met in the supermarket an ex co-worker who retired more then 10 years ago. I always liked her. I greeted her and asked her how she was. She proudly showed me her shopping chart - it was full of diapers (obviously I hadn't noticed that before). She said happily and proudly: "As you can see, I am very busy."   

It hurt. Not only that I will always miss having children. I will also miss having grandchildren. 

***
I recently read an article about a famous person, who was describing one of her dearest friends how lovely person she is.  "She is so kind that she asks everybody if they have children, even taxi drivers. And she wants to know the kids' names."

And you are calling that nice - bothering all the childless people if they have children??  I know people with kids love that question. But - we don't.  

***

Some days of working and then it is time for my favourite place on Earth: island Brač, Dalmatia, Croatia (one of the photos from previous years attached). 

Czech Republic & New beautiful memories made

I spent wonderful five days traveling around Czech Republic with my husband, Pamela & her husband.

How great it is when you turn bloggie friends into real friends! Czech Republic was already our fourth traveling together in the last five years. It is so nice to have traveling buddies!

Here are some of the best photos:


Karlštejn

Plzen

On the road

Žinkovy Hotel Castle

We just loved staying in this hotel:

Zinkovy Chateau & Hotel



Klatovy

Česky Krumlov

Česke Budejovice

Tabor

On the road

Kutna Hora