Two days off

Today is a national holiday in my country and so is tomorrow. It is really great not having to go to work for whole 2 days!

DH had to work, so I made myself a beautiful day. I went for a long walk with my beloved Wolf, we walked 16 kilometers (10 miles). We had a great time together. He enjoyed it a lot... going to far away places that we usually do not go.

I did not take any photos today, so I am attaching a photo taken in the summer, from our walk to the mountains.  Isn't my Wolf handsome?

***
This week all schools have a week off. So literally all coworkers with kids took the whole week off. It was quite annoying - all the talking about different activities / holidays etc.  I stopped counting how many times I was asked where I would go for holidays this week. I invented the sentence: "I never go on holiday when EVERYBODY else goes." Without explaining any further. None of nobody's business.

Monday

The beginning of the day was really nice.  I had a cup of coffee with a business partner from the USA that I haven't seen for three years. She is a in her late forties. I don't know her that well. I know she is happily married (for 20 years), without children. I guess they could not have them, but we never talked about it.

They have been living in Europe for the last few years. I asked her whether they are planning to stay in Europe for good or they are planning to return to States. And she said that they do not know yet - that all possibilities are open for them.

Suddenly I felt so happy for them - literally all possibilities are open for them. Being childfree make them free.

And I felt good for me & my DH. We can have exactly the life we want to have.

***

Then I had lunch with two colleagues from another department.  Everything went well at the beginning, until the moment they started discussing pregnancy of another coworker and this encouraged them to awake their memories about their pregnancy some years ago.  I had to listen to every details... But I did not feel that bad.  It just proved my theory on how low EQ some people have. Unbelievable! And they didn't even noticed that I didn't open my mouth for 20 minutes. I swear - I am not and I was never as rude as that - to completely exclude another human being from the conversation.  

***

Then I had a long walk with my beloved Wolf. I love him so much! Can not imagine my life without him.

***
And then my Mattie dropped by in the evening, for a cup of tea. I know she is busy, combining demanding job & two demanding little children. So I really appreciate time that she takes to be with me, even if only for half an hour.

***
I am just watching the news.... I am keeping my fingers crossed that Sandy will not be as bad as predicted.

Afraid

I got a letter from the hospital back, after the mammography.

The letter was short. No results. Only an invitation for some further tests (ultrasound of breasts).

I have to go back to the hospital in the first week of December.

Such a long wait!

I am afraid.

I went for a walk. I met plenty of people, some with children.

I wasn't envious of extra cute babies that I met with their parents.

I was just envious of all people that I met with a smile on their face.... without the heavy burden.  

I am not funny

I realized already a while ago that I am already OK with being without children (at least most of the time). The only thing that I am not OK is small talk with the Others (=non childless people).

I spent the last two days at the seaside, working on some project. There was also another company, in which I have two work friends:
friend A:  my age, mother of 2
friend B: my age, childless, just lost a baby (at 17week pregnancy)

*note: those are not my good friends, just women I know through work and had spent quite some time in the last few years when working on different projects. Both of them know about my 10 failed IVFs. 


This time I was working on a project together with friend A. We were working, but there was still plenty of time for small talks.

Friend A was explaining that her company got new general manager and that she didn't have a meeting with him yet, but a friend B did. I asked him what was he like. And friend A explained that he was really nice, that he had even shown photos of his four children to a friend B.

Here is the conversation:

Me:  It is really unprofessional of a general manager to show photos of his children to his employees!
Friend A:  Klara, you are so funny! Isn't it nice that he is proud of his children????

long silence

Me: I am not funny. I just consider that a general manager has to know the difference between his business and private life. And how do you think that a friend B felt? She had nothing to show in return, except perhaps two photos of her two dead babies.

long silence. Then friend A changed the subject.


***

I am declaring that from this moment on I will not try the Others to understand us. Because they can not.

Exception are only our good friends who show genuine interest in us and our feelings. And there are really only few of good friends. I am lucky to have some.

Please, keep my fingers crossed for me!

I spent many sad days in the last 10 years because of my infertility. There were lots of sadness, grieving, anger, envy...

Today I had a moment when I realized that all those negative feelings do not make any more sense. I do not want them in my life any more. And that I am really really OK by being without children. As long as I am healthy nothing else really matters.

I had mammography today. First of all the doctor checked my breasts manually (sorry for the expression, I don't know the right one). And she could feel something suspicious, she said that it could be tumor and that mammogram will show.

Then I had mammography. It hurt. The doctor was unfriendly and rough.

I will get the results within 3 - 4 weeks.

I guess everything will be OK. But I am still scared a bit.

Please, keep my fingers crossed for me!


***

I felt really down when leaving hospital.
A really long walk with my beloved Wolf helped me.

Silent Sorority & my sister

Have you read Silent Sorority? There just aren't enough words for me to describe on how many levels this book helped me with accepting my childless life. During the winter I am looking to re-read the book, I will write more then.

Once I was describing this book to my sister and I was explaining that no book could describe how I feel better then this book. So she said she would love to read the book.

One evening she phoned me, I picked up the phone and she was just crying. I got scared that something bad happened to her baby girl. But my sister was just crying on the phone: "It is so sad that Pamela can not have children. It is so sad that you can not have children." So I also started to cry and we were just crying together... No words were needed.

Mammography

The last time that I went to see my gyn, she told me that since not giving birth, I have increased possibility of breast cancer (obviously I knew that already). She sends all her childless patients to mammography when they are 40. And at 50, if they have children.

I got a date for the test yesterday, but I have to reschedule it (few days of a new business trip are waiting for me at the end of October!).

Arranging an appointment at the hospital brings many memories back. And they are not nice...

Alone But Together

How beautiful it is to wake up, have a nice breakfast with husband and than notice a kind blog post from one of my dearest friends:
http://blog.silentsorority.com/2012/10/02/alone-but-together-.aspx?results=1

I am attaching two photos, taken on two excursions that I had with you, Pamela. I am really so happy that we met!

And - I am so happy to have found a support group that has members all over the world!


Explanation for others:
- the first photo is taken in the north of Slovenia, in alpine part
- the second photo: the most beautiful castle in Slovenia: Predjama castle

If only she knew II

I have a new resolution. I will try to avoid multiple dates with mommy-friends for the next decade. I can handle only one mommy-friend at once.

Reason: if there is topic that I do not like, I can get our conversation to another, safer path.  For example - if I was only with one mommy friend, I would just stop participating in conversation with a topic "all details from the last school gathering of my first grader". But when two friends have a need to discuss every single detail in front  of me, it is impossible. I hate being invisible.*****

I was invited to celebrating a birthday of a friend. We went for a delicious cake, there were three of us. 

One of the girls is a good friend.

Another is a friend from the past, our friendship was seriously damaged because she did not know how to handle my infertility issues (her way of dealing of unpleasant issues: Let's stay positive & Do not even mention anything  at all. If we do not talk about, it means everything is perfectly fine.).

But she is kind and I still wanted that she knows me better.

So when there was a topic of why it is so popular to moan about husbands, I told them this story:
http://thenext15000days.blogspot.com/2012/02/if-only-she-knew.html

My real friend understood the point.
But my distant friend's comment was: "Oh my God. Children should bring couple closer together!" She completely missed the point of what I was actually trying to say.

Anyway, I really really love to spend my time with my DH. and our Wolf. They never ever hurt my feelings.



*****Why people do not get it which topics are safe area for somebody who has invisible scars? Few days ago I went for a long walk with another friend and my dog. We spent many beautiful hours together. This friend is single, childfree. She is single because she never met the love of her life. And I know she is a bit sad about it (she is two years older then me). Anyway, whenever I am with this friend, I am careful that I do not say something that might hurt her. Why can't other friends do the same for me?