I don't have a life of my own?

I have already got the third dose of the vaccine against covid19. I am glad that I live in a country where the vaccine is available. 

I was upset that my granny (she is almost 90) was already 8 months after the second dose of the vaccine and nobody really bothered whether she gets the third vaccine or not. For me it was really important that she gets the vaccine (the hospitals are full so I strongly believe that each of us has to do everything to prevent putting an extra burden to the hospitals).

Long story short: I persuaded granny that she takes the vaccine and I am glad she got the vaccine yesterday. 

But what bugs me is what my uncle told my mom. He commented that I am sticking my nose into the things that are not my business just because I don't have life of my own. 

Come on? Really? I don't have a life of my own? Just because I am childless, I don't have life of my own?  

The other thing that bugs me is why mom had to tell me his comment? 

It is not only what my uncle said. It is actually what many people think (just don't say it loudly and directly).

His comment hurts.

But I refuse to believe his comment. 

I do have a life. 

It is not a typical life.

But it is mine.

It is the only life I will ever have.

I love it.

It is mine. 

It is quiet, peaceful and at the same time full of life. 

It is mine.

And I don't allow anybody to judge it.

That is the miracle of life

I have just finished reading an excellent book: Bill Bryson's The Body. I have learnt a lot just by reading it. 

I came across this quote:

“I’ve said it before in another book, but I believe it’s worth repeating: the only thing special about the elements that make you is that they make you. That is the miracle of life.”
― Bill Bryson, The Body

It was the moment I realized that I spent way too many years on focusing on the sadness of not being able to have children of my own. By doing that I completely forgot that I already had been blessed by a miracle of life - it is just wonderful that I was born and that I live. Now! 

Sometimes it is really necessary to read something so you are able to see your own life from another prospective. 

It is a beautiful sunny Sunday & off I go to enjoy another lovely walk in the forest. 

*** 

Photos above: were taken yesterday in the beautiful Lake Garda. I spent almost a week there (for work) but I did find some time for walks.

 

Autumn colours

I went for a drink with  some friends. It was a nice evening, we were listening to a concert of a local band.

I noticed that also the father of the two members was listening to the concert. While listening to the concert I observed the father, he is already in his late 70s.  I know him - during the student years he and his wife stopped many times and drove me to university or back while I was hitchhiking. They were always very kind to me.

His face was shining - he looked so proud and happy when listening to his two sons. His eyes were full of love. He looked like someone who has everything that matters - right there in that moment.

Observing this intimate moment didn't make me sad. I know I will never have exactly that. But I refused to compare my life to any other life. I refuse to do injustice to my life.

I am attaching a photo that I do today on our walk with my husband and our dog. I love warm autumn colours.  I love walking through our beautiful forests so much.

Who deserves my kindness and my time?

I have been thinking a lot lately - who are people that deserve my kindness and my time? 

I thought of the very first blog post that I wrote 11 years ago:

https://www.blog.silentsorority.com/speaking-a-common-language/

I remember suffocating feeling when I was with my girlfriends. I had the feeling that their lives are picture perfect, they are all blessed with two children. 

I just couldn't attend our usual Friday evening coffee dates any more. My sadness (and looking back - I know that now, I didn't know then - my depression) didn't fit into the lives of happy young mothers. I understand that.

But I don't understand how easily 3 girl-friends abandoned me when I sent them an email explaining that I can't attend our Friday dates any more since it was too heartbreaking for me. 

(Ony one of the friends stayed and supported me through the darkest times, I will be forever grateful. I would literally do anything for her). 

Back then I was so sure that all others have picture perfect lives but me. I was very wrong. 

One of the friends who left got terrible autoimmune incurable disease. She hasn't been able to walk for the last two years any more.

I recently  came back to this group of friends, but mainly to meet couple of times a year with the ill friend who really needs us. 

I forgave her (and the others). But I didn't forget (and I never will) - how easily I was abandoned when I was in need.

I haven't come to any conclusion yet.

But this is always in my mind - who deserves my kindness and my time?

I may be childless and  I may have some bit of extra available time. But this doesn't mean I don't have the right to choose how I spend my precious time.

Eternal Firenze

How I missed travelling! I have just returned from a first business trip in the last year. 

I loved walking around beautiful medieval streets & squares of Firenze / Florence.  I just wish I had more time. I didn't have enough available time to visit masterpieces of  the Gallery Uffizi... so I hope to return there one day again.   

Walking alone around the city centre and admiring the masterpieces that were left behind by a wealthy Medici family made me think - what will be my mark on the world? 

I hope to still have plenty of time to figure this out.

But for now - what means a lot to me are the beautiful scarfs that I've just got from my mom's cousin's husband. 

My mom's cousin was fighting cancer for many years. Once she asked me if I could bring her some books from a local library - she knew I love to read. I did bring her books and since I saw how much it meant to her, I visited her with new books many times for three years.

I loved visiting her and talking to her. She told me how much she appreciated my visits and the books I brought. She told me that most of the people disappeared from her life. Since people didn't know what to say they just stopped visiting / phoning.  

She passed away this summer. I miss her!

I find it beautiful that her husband brought some scarfs to me... to have something hers to remember. 

Me making my mom's cousin's final years more beautiful isn't something tangible to be seen in the centuries to come. But it really doesn't matter.... It only matters that my acts made her life nicer and my life richer.

 

Why I blog?

 

When I started writing my blog (almost ten years ago!) I planned to write it only for a while, just to overcome the hardest times of accepting our childless life. 

Why am I still blogging? Shortly  -  I like it :) 

I could write many reasons what I like about being part of the blogging community. Let me just tell you what I like the most. 

I just love if there is someone reading the lines I write and she (or he) feels that just reading my thoughts help ease her (or his) pain.   

There is a kind girl (well, I can say girl since she is few years younger then me) who came across my blog few months ago and started reading it. She decided to send me the first - just to say hi - email. And since she was travelling with her husband in our parts of the Europe, I invited them for coffee and pancakes. It was just lovely meeting them. 

It felt great talking. She could say nothing that could hurt me. And I could say nothing that would hurt her. We know the same pain and sometimes even the words were not necessary, we understood each other. 

I love that with the help of my blog I have met some of the kindest people. 

What will be my legacy?  Even if I could help only one person to overcome the hardest times of the infertility, it is enough. 

**** 

I am attaching few photos from my favourite part of my country: Lake Bohinj. The first few photos  were taken on the cycling tour with my husband. The lake was warm enough so we even went swimming. And the last two photos two were taken over the weekend, I went trekking with my dad.

Beautiful photos from the Slovenian seaside

I am enjoying a long weekend with my DH at Slovenian seaside. It is already too windy for being whole day at the beach, so we took a lovely hike from Izola to Strunjan. I can't believe we hadn't done this walk ever before, it is so pretty.