I only count the happy hours

Thank you for your kind comments and emails. I really appreciate them.

I've recently read Hilary Mantel's Giving up the ghost. I loved the quote "I only count the happy hours" so much. In situations like this, I need to focus on the happy hours.

And this is one of them - see the attached photo. Swimming with beloved Wolfie in my favourite alpine lake: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lake_Bohinj
3-hour walk around the lake is my favourite walk ever. I can't wait that Wolfie grows up, so he will be able to walk the whole circle.

***
I am only 42 but still, owning a little house is very important for me. Also for DH.
It is our financial security for old age.
When the time comes,  we could sell it and buy nursing care for us.
It is awful that I think about aging now.
We are way too young to think and worry about that now.
It just plain sucks, to be childless-not-by-choice.
If I had children, I would be calmer regarding aging.
Now I just know that this is the time that we have to build our financial security for old age. There will be nobody for us then.
We will have only each other.

Our new plan for the next few years:
Work more. Earn more. Save more. Spend less. No more travelling.
Start the new process of buying something smart somewhere in the future.

Regrets

I remember writing this post:
http://thenext15000days.blogspot.com/2012/05/tennant-creek-i-never-regret-things-i.html

How I miss the time, when I regretted nothing.
I still don't regret swimming at that pool and loosing my fertility.
It is just damage done when travelling. And I love travelling so much.

***

Lately there is one regret that paralyses me.
Me and my DH bought small piece of land few years ago in order to build a house.
We were dealing with bureaucratic issues for the last few years.
And now it is clear that it will be impossible to build there for at least 2 -3 decades. Perhaps even more. Which means that we had thrown away 70.000 EUR. Which is huge amount of money considering that an average nett monthly pay in our country is 990 EUR.

We are angry at ourselves. Mad. Bitter.

We regret throwing that money away.

We regret not having any other option right now. And we need to do something. We really can not stay in the flat we live now (it is higher floor, lots of stairs, no elevator - we just can not stay old and childless in that flat).

I am having a bad day today. It will be a new day tomorrow.

Summer

I love hot summer days. There are so much things to do. I always lack time in the summer. 

I am very well. Most of the time I am feeling happy, positive and just enjoying life. But then there are some events that remind me that I am not healed and I will probably never be.

*** 
I went cycling with my best girl-friend few days ago in the evening, when the heat was easier to handle. We both enjoyed our cycling & talking date a lot. I was telling her how lovely it is to have her back. When her kids were little, it was impossible for her to escape on Sunday evening for two whole hours. We talked, we laughed. Then, we passed by her parents' house and her mom was outside. My friend greeted her: "Hi granny."  It made me sad and angry. Why can't she address  her mom as she always did, as mom?  She is, after all, her mom. Her grannies died long ago. 

I didn't say anything. After all, I can't always give her instructions and limitations. And I know, I probably hurt her during the years of struggling with infertility (never on purpose, but I know I did, like declining to visit her when she was pregnant).

***

Opening the magazine and there was a title on it: "Kids change your black&white world to a colourful one".

I resent to accept any person with children to address my world as a black&white.

*** 

I met in the supermarket an ex co-worker who retired more then 10 years ago. I always liked her. I greeted her and asked her how she was. She proudly showed me her shopping chart - it was full of diapers (obviously I hadn't noticed that before). She said happily and proudly: "As you can see, I am very busy."   

It hurt. Not only that I will always miss having children. I will also miss having grandchildren. 

***
I recently read an article about a famous person, who was describing one of her dearest friends how lovely person she is.  "She is so kind that she asks everybody if they have children, even taxi drivers. And she wants to know the kids' names."

And you are calling that nice - bothering all the childless people if they have children??  I know people with kids love that question. But - we don't.  

***

Some days of working and then it is time for my favourite place on Earth: island Brač, Dalmatia, Croatia (one of the photos from previous years attached). 

Czech Republic & New beautiful memories made

I spent wonderful five days traveling around Czech Republic with my husband, Pamela & her husband.

How great it is when you turn bloggie friends into real friends! Czech Republic was already our fourth traveling together in the last five years. It is so nice to have traveling buddies!

Here are some of the best photos:


Karlštejn

Plzen

On the road

Žinkovy Hotel Castle

We just loved staying in this hotel:

Zinkovy Chateau & Hotel



Klatovy

Česky Krumlov

Česke Budejovice

Tabor

On the road

Kutna Hora

Goodbye until the rain comes

I am fully enjoying warm summer days. We are having 30 C. I even took one day off work and I went swimming to the Adriatic sea. It was just perfect. 

Otherwise I am very busy raising stubborn puppy (akka land shark), working in my vegetable garden. I lack time for reading and writing and  for my beloved cycling.  

And - most of all - I lack the time for any infertility thoughts. Which isn't bad thing at all.

I will be back in one month, when the rain comes.

Have a lovely month.

xo,

Klara

La dolce vita dopo infertilita'

I could copy the same text that I wrote few weeks ago:

I just returned from a short business trip to Italy.
I took a photo of my delicious dinner. It was nice, dinning alone, after talking all day.
This was again one of those business trips that also my other coworkers could cover. But they are not motivated to go since they prefer to stay at home with kids.

Silver linings of infertility :) 



On the photo: warm chocolate muffin with delicious vanilla sauce. 

How lovely. Now also you have children.

I was a baby sitter on Sunday morning for almost two hours. I took for a walk my cousin's  3-year-old son. It was lovely. I took him to a beautiful bridge that he had never seen before.  

When walking across town center, I met my schoolfriend from Italian classes. We visited the same classes for few years, almost a decade ago. I hadn't met her for some years. 

When we met (she was with her husband and three kids) she said: "How lovely. Now also you have children." 
(btw: it is just silly to assume that if a woman is walking with ONE child, that there are some additional children somewhere else).

I wasn't surprised. I wasn't hurt. I just said: "No, I don't have children. Sometimes I just borrow one or two." 

She looked puzzled. So I just explained who the beautiful little boy was and nothing else.

It is really none of her business, finding  about my blocked tubes / lousy ovaries / broken uterus / broken-but-now-healed heart. 


*** 

I guess I really came to the point in my life where I cherish the things that I do have in my life. 
Regreting the things that I don't really doesn't make sense.