I have just read Lisa's latest post: http://lifewithoutbaby.com/2013/06/03/children-in-my-future/
Her post really touched my soul. I haven’t thought much about it – but the psychic is so right. My head is already OK with being childless. So is my heart – at least most of the time. But my soul is broken and I don’t know how to fix it.
My cousin visited my parents yesterday and I also came for a visit. We were chatting and then the cousin mentioned that his wife had pregnancy control. And I didn't even know she was pregnant (=obviously nobody wanted to tell me).
Another pregnancy in the family. This really sucks. It is not that cousin is a close family. But this cousin lives in the apartment together with my granny. So whenever I will visit my granny, I will have to see his pregnant wife. And it sucks.
I felt so down yesterday. I went cycling, but it didn't help. Then I went jogging (for the third time this year). This finally helped. I felt better afterwards.
Infertility really scars you for life. I guess I will be 80 and whenever I will hear another pregnancy announcement, I will feel a heartache. And I will be mourning for something I never had.
(It didn't help either that yesterday was the first day of my period. This time it is really strong. It is the period number 130 since TTC. I was heartbroken for the first 100 of them. I am now OK with it. Just yesterday I was really not OK).
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Feeling fine
Sad days come and go.
I just feel it is important that I write something also when I am feeling down. So that the other bloggie friends who are also in childless-not-by-choice situation see that they are not alone when the sad days come...
I am fine today. Yesterday I visited my best friend's kids for five minutes and then I went for a long walk with my friend. It was nice to be with her.
She told me something extra sweet. A month ago I took for the very first time her 7-year-old son for the afternoon. We went for an ice cream and then for a really long walk in the forest (he adores being in forest). It was fun to be with him. I thought him how to count to 10 in Italian (all kids start to learn English at an early age in my country, so a new language besides English was something interesting for him). And yesterday my friend told me that for the last month her son insists that they count to 10 in Italian every evening, while cleaning his teeth. How cute is that!
I will never have a child. But I love the idea that I have many children in my life where I can leave small, positive marks.
***
I am fine today. I am reading a book (The Great Gatsby). I will make some home made pasta with sage on olive oil & parmesan cheese. Then we will take the Wolf on a short walk. How I wish the Wolf could make 20-kilometer-long walk as he used to. Now 2 kilometers are his maximum.
Have a beautiful Sunday!
I just feel it is important that I write something also when I am feeling down. So that the other bloggie friends who are also in childless-not-by-choice situation see that they are not alone when the sad days come...
I am fine today. Yesterday I visited my best friend's kids for five minutes and then I went for a long walk with my friend. It was nice to be with her.
She told me something extra sweet. A month ago I took for the very first time her 7-year-old son for the afternoon. We went for an ice cream and then for a really long walk in the forest (he adores being in forest). It was fun to be with him. I thought him how to count to 10 in Italian (all kids start to learn English at an early age in my country, so a new language besides English was something interesting for him). And yesterday my friend told me that for the last month her son insists that they count to 10 in Italian every evening, while cleaning his teeth. How cute is that!
I will never have a child. But I love the idea that I have many children in my life where I can leave small, positive marks.
***
I am fine today. I am reading a book (The Great Gatsby). I will make some home made pasta with sage on olive oil & parmesan cheese. Then we will take the Wolf on a short walk. How I wish the Wolf could make 20-kilometer-long walk as he used to. Now 2 kilometers are his maximum.
Have a beautiful Sunday!
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Feeling blue
It has been 30 years since the first baby conceived by IVF was born in my country. In the past two weeks articles about magic IVF were literally everywhere. Most of them included data that 5 million of babies were born with the help of IVF. There were interviews with many leading doctors from this field.
And guess what - nowhere was it mentioned that IVF can not help everybody. That is not a magical solution for every infertile couple.
***
In the middle of black week I got an email from a colleague that used to be in my IVF-support group. She sent an email to lots of us. There was a photo of a baby (1year old toddler) that she just brought from Russia. Then there were lots of other - congratulations emails from ex-IVF-support group that just made me feel a real outsider. I belonged to that group. I don't any more. (just a note: is she not afraid that she might not bond with this child?).
***
Yesterday my 5-year-old niece phoned me. Her voice sounds on my mobile so cute, so gentle... it reminds me on the sound of a little kitty. She invited me for a show that she is a part of, in a local theatre (dancing & singing). I thanked her and then I lied. I said I had to go to work. How I wish I had my own children, then I would love to attend all that stuff. Now I just can't, it would be too hard (not watching my niece, but small talk of all the other parents from our little town).
On majority of days I am pretty OK with being childless. On majority of days I am happy living my childless life. But not today.
PS
This black day will be continued now and then. Until December, when I am officially 40. Saying goodbye to my 30s is not that easy.
PPS
Has anybody seen this movie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TaBVLhcHcc0
I can't wait to see it!
I just borrowed a novel (I haven't read it yet), I will start to read it in the evening.
PPPS
Reminder. After I go on a long walk in the forrest, I will feel much better!
And guess what - nowhere was it mentioned that IVF can not help everybody. That is not a magical solution for every infertile couple.
***
In the middle of black week I got an email from a colleague that used to be in my IVF-support group. She sent an email to lots of us. There was a photo of a baby (1year old toddler) that she just brought from Russia. Then there were lots of other - congratulations emails from ex-IVF-support group that just made me feel a real outsider. I belonged to that group. I don't any more. (just a note: is she not afraid that she might not bond with this child?).
***
Yesterday my 5-year-old niece phoned me. Her voice sounds on my mobile so cute, so gentle... it reminds me on the sound of a little kitty. She invited me for a show that she is a part of, in a local theatre (dancing & singing). I thanked her and then I lied. I said I had to go to work. How I wish I had my own children, then I would love to attend all that stuff. Now I just can't, it would be too hard (not watching my niece, but small talk of all the other parents from our little town).
On majority of days I am pretty OK with being childless. On majority of days I am happy living my childless life. But not today.
PS
This black day will be continued now and then. Until December, when I am officially 40. Saying goodbye to my 30s is not that easy.
PPS
Has anybody seen this movie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TaBVLhcHcc0
I can't wait to see it!
I just borrowed a novel (I haven't read it yet), I will start to read it in the evening.
PPPS
Reminder. After I go on a long walk in the forrest, I will feel much better!
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Looking forward to August
Only nice things are happening to me lately.
My dear bloggie friend, Mali, is coming to my country in August.
Can't wait to meet her in person!
The year that I am turning 40 will be full of beautiful meetings. It means a lot to me. To really talk to women who walked the path of leaving their 30s behind them and realizing & accepting that motherhood will never be a part of their lives.
It is a beautiful Saturday morning. It is cold and it is raining cats and dogs. I am home alone. So I have time to visit my two nieces.
One luxury that aunts can have (and mothers can't): I can have the favourite child. It is my youngest niece, who is a year and a half. She starts to scream with joy, whenever she sees me.
My dear bloggie friend, Mali, is coming to my country in August.
Can't wait to meet her in person!
The year that I am turning 40 will be full of beautiful meetings. It means a lot to me. To really talk to women who walked the path of leaving their 30s behind them and realizing & accepting that motherhood will never be a part of their lives.
It is a beautiful Saturday morning. It is cold and it is raining cats and dogs. I am home alone. So I have time to visit my two nieces.
One luxury that aunts can have (and mothers can't): I can have the favourite child. It is my youngest niece, who is a year and a half. She starts to scream with joy, whenever she sees me.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Life is more than good: meeting friends in Dalmatia
We spent a wonderful week in Dalmatia. I am attaching some photos of Zadar, Dubrovnik, island Hvar and Split.
The best part of our holidays was meeting our friends. It is hard to imagine that 2 years ago we didn't even know each other. And now we are like dream team – having so much fun together. Some deep conversation. Lots of tasty Croatian beer.
We feel safe with them – nothing that they say can hurt us (majority of the people we know have kids and even if we know it is not intentionally, we are hurt sometimes). For example– it was lovely to watch both men discuss their nephews & nieces (all four are approximately the same age). Proud uncles! You can not discuss nephews & nieces with people who are parents –unintentionally they give you the feeling that nephews don't really matter. But for us – who don't have children of our own – nephews and nieces are the closest to our genes that will remain when we are gone.
We feel safe with them – nothing that they say can hurt us (majority of the people we know have kids and even if we know it is not intentionally, we are hurt sometimes). For example– it was lovely to watch both men discuss their nephews & nieces (all four are approximately the same age). Proud uncles! You can not discuss nephews & nieces with people who are parents –unintentionally they give you the feeling that nephews don't really matter. But for us – who don't have children of our own – nephews and nieces are the closest to our genes that will remain when we are gone.
While driving back home we kept seeing cute billboards with commercial for Karlovačko beer. And whenever we saw it, we thought of our friends & all the lovely moments we had together.
Slogan in Croatian says: "Ništa ne može razdvojiti prijatelje & Karlovačko"
Translation: "Nothing can separate friends & beer Karlovačko"
Dear P&A: we are already looking forward to our next meeting!!!
ZADAR:
DUBROVNIK:
ISLAND HVAR:
SPLIT:
Friday, May 3, 2013
I would rather puke
I needed a gift for my beloved nieces (1 and 5 years) today. I wanted to buy something small and nice for them so I went to a shop for babies.
I used to have problems with entering to baby shops years ago. I overcame this and now I usually really enjoy looking for things for them. Not today.
Before entering to the shop there was a huge sigh in front of the shop saying:
1st Friday of the month is the day of lucky pregnant bellies
10 % discount
I remembered The Catcher of the Rye and his famous sentence "I would rather puke".
I did not enter the shop.
I will never enter that shop again.
Luckily there is Bookdepository so it is always very easy to order a book online.
Another 7 days until our main holiday for this year. I can't wait!!!
I used to have problems with entering to baby shops years ago. I overcame this and now I usually really enjoy looking for things for them. Not today.
Before entering to the shop there was a huge sigh in front of the shop saying:
1st Friday of the month is the day of lucky pregnant bellies
10 % discount
I remembered The Catcher of the Rye and his famous sentence "I would rather puke".
I did not enter the shop.
I will never enter that shop again.
Luckily there is Bookdepository so it is always very easy to order a book online.
Another 7 days until our main holiday for this year. I can't wait!!!
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Seriously, how many?
Seriously, how many Mothers' Day are there in a year?
I just got a newsletter from the New York Times with a special offer:
30% off a subscription for moms who love to be in the know
I did what I always do when I get a special offer for moms: I block that sender for good!
(message to marketing department of the New York Times: not all women are moms!!! I just thought I might let you know - just in case you haven't heard that before)
I just got a newsletter from the New York Times with a special offer:
30% off a subscription for moms who love to be in the know
I did what I always do when I get a special offer for moms: I block that sender for good!
(message to marketing department of the New York Times: not all women are moms!!! I just thought I might let you know - just in case you haven't heard that before)
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