I am not normal

Today I got an email from an ex school friend with whom I spent 4 years together in secondary school. She sent invitation to 25 school friends, she is organizing 20th anniversary since finishing the school.

I have lovely memories of my class. I spent 4 happy years with my shool friends. I was a good pupil, with lots of friends.

So - normal reaction would be: So great! I will be able to see al my school friends! We will be able to talk about all the naughty things we did together. And we will be able to share what happened in the 5 years since our last meeting.

But, I am not normal. I guess I will never be. I just deleted the email. Can't bear to go to that meeting. There will be 23 people showing the pictures of their little ones. And there would be another friend, who just never found the love of her life, so she is single and childless . And then there would be me. No way.

My DH has a witty expresion for situations like that: he would say: I would rather have my knees shot :)

If somebody will contact me again, I will just lie . I got so good at lying in the last few years! Just to avoid all kind of possible events that would break my heart. Again. I have only one hearth. So I have to look after it!

Adopting? No, thank you.

At the beginning of our infertility path I was sure that if IVF treatments didn't work out, we would adopt. My DH was actually always against the idea of adopting, but I didn't really argue with him since we were SO sure that IVF treatments will work out eventually. But even after all failed IVF-s I never tried to persuade him. Adopting a child is too huge thing to try to persuade somebody into it.

Some years ago we bought pure-bread 7-week-old puppy and brought him home.  (I know that you think - what possible connection can a dog have with adopting a child - but I promise - it has!) We were very happy to have him (The Wolf) for the first two months, but then our nightmare began. He started to grow up and show his extremly dominant character. And my DH & me are not dominant at all. But I was the weaker of the two of us, so The Wolf decided to attack me. And he was attacking me for whole year - it was terrible. We couldn't sleep for many nights. And all we wished was to be alone. For good. Without him. And we kept talking - isn't it great that this is only the dog that we regret of having... how horrible feeling would it be that we adopted a child and then regreted our decision.

I read studies that told that many adoptions go wrong because character of the child is completely different as the character of parents. And adopting a baby you know absolutely nothing about child's character. And I believe that 80 % of everything is predominated by genes.

There are only 5 kids available every year for adoption in my country (and aproximately 300 certified couples waiting for a child). And we have a law saying that 1 year after adoption a birth mother can change her mind and take the baby back. It would break my heart... I am just not willing to take this risk.

Many couples from my country go to Russia to adopt a child. Total cost is aproximately 30.000 EUR (huge amount for us, since everage nett wage in our country is 980 EUR per month). But to tell you the truth, I do not trust Russian system. If even in Spain they kept stealing babies untill 30 years ago - how can I be sure that there wasn't some unjustice done to  parents that had their children taken away?

We have been in the train of wishing & hoping & having our heart broken for million times for the last 9 years. We are just done with wishing & hoping.  We just want to live. Now. Life. Our life.

I know myself. I just know that adopting a child wouldn't erase my desire to have our biological child.
I love so many things about my husband. I would love to have his child. A child with his bright smile. His great mind. His kind heart.  No adoption can give me what I really want. His biological child. Our child.

*****
With the help of Cesar Millan (Dog Whisperer) we learned how to deal with The Wolf. So our life togehter now is a happy now, we love him so much!  But - it is not necessary that also our story of adoption would have such a happy end. And we are just now willing to take any chances...

Having a beautiful family of two with a dog is also a great thing :)

EI

Some people have no Emotional intelligence at all.

If I am with a colleague my age that is single, I never ever talk about my husband and how happy I am with him. Because it does not seem nice thing to do. Because you never know (if you do not know the person well) - if this was a choice or not to remain single.

If I talk with a person who has multiple sclerosis, I do not boast about long walks that I do with my dog.

If I talk to a person for whom I know that earns only little, I do not boast about buying flight tickets to other continents.   Or about buying really good (and expensive) bike.

***
So - why do people constantly talk about their kids / pregnancies / deliveries / difficulties with raising kids  etc. to me??? It is not stuff I want to hear or know about.

I just had a hard weekend (as you see). I had to work whole weekend, I was away from home from three days. I was with a group of 15 women, mostly my age, that I have known (through work) for the last few years.

And since we don't know each other that well, the only common thing that all women have (well, all except me) - are children.   So - this was the topic that went on and on...

My coworker is the only one who knows my story (well, not all details, but generally). She is nice girl, my age. And I love her. And hate her at the same time. For the complete lack of EI.  She was the one who constantly brought our conversations to the topics I hate the most: conception / birth control / deliveries / pregnancy anouncements...

Just an example.

Morning. Hotel breakfast room. She eating breakfast. Me coming to the room.

Me: Good morning. Did you sleep well?
Her: Yes, until 2 am when I got an sms from my distant relative, who just got a baby boy. Oh... I am so happy for him. ..... (followed with all details about this family)

Do I fucking want to hear this for the start of a new day? No! Do I want to hear this story at all? No! And she knows that my husband will never ever be able to send that kind of SMS to anybody. 

Anyway, I am happy that weekend is over I can get back to my old, cosy life. I am looking forward to a long walk with The Wolf today after work.

4 children & 1 hour

I just came back home from two short afternoon visits (it is so great that spring is here: I can move around with my bike again). First of all I visited Mattie and her two children. And then my two nieces. All four children are aged from 0 to 6.  It was nice to see them. But very laud and vivid.

So it is quite nice to come to our pieceful home. And enjoy our quiet evening.

***
One really cute question from my four-year-old niece. She asked me: "Klara, what's the name of your daddy?".  I was surprised by the question since I always thougt the family relationships are clear to her. I answered "The father of your daddy is  also my daddy.". She was completely shocked and she just said :   "Noooooooooooooooooooo". 

I showed her our family photo (when me & my brother were her age)... but according to my niece that photo does not mean anything. She understood that on the photo there were her dad and daddy's mum and dad and next to his dad a little girl who just happens to be Klara, but this does not mean anything

:) :) :) :) So cute!!!  I have been laughing whole afternoon because of my niece.

Infertility suchs

 

I wathed a beautiful movie March of the Penguins with my husband yesterday. It was really lovely. But seeing it made me sad. There was a scene with a couple of penguins that accidently broke their precious egg. How lost they were when they realized that their egg was broken. It made me think of our 10 unsuccessful IVF treatments. And  all of our broken eggs...

 Infertility really sucks. You never are the same after it.

Spring has come

Do you know the name of this flower in English? I do not know it... but these flowers are now everywhere.... the sign, that spring has come. Slovenian name for them is "zvončki".

I love spring. And I feel good. I have just booked a room for us in a nice bed and breakfast in Kuala Lumpur (for the first two nights and for the last two nights). It costs only 33 USD / room / night.  This BB has great reviews on Tripadvisor.

I finished reading a novel "The memory keeper's daughter" that I took from Mattie's rich library (thanks, Mattie!). I liked it. I like novels that describe complicated family relationships.

I came home yesterday from a short, two-day-business trip with a coworker who is my age and has two kids. I like being with her, she is really nice. And she explained how exhausted she always feels, working full time and then coming home to two small kids and she feels she just doesn't have any energy left most of the time. She envied my time that I spend on travelling, reading and long walks. And of course I envy her two beautiful daughters. It is just fact of life that it is impossible (for most of the people) to have it ALL.  But, I wasn't sad or anything. It just made me appreciate the things that I do have in my life.

I have to stop writting.... I have a date in one hour with a friend of mine (single, childfree) and with a dog of mine :)  We will go for a long walk.