I've just returned from holiday to Croatia with my mum. We went there to celebrate being already 15 days after the second dose of the vaccine against covid19. It is just awesome to have at least a bit of freedom back.
We took many lovely walks along the seaside, we were reading, we were eating wild cherries and we even swam every day (briefly since the sea has only 19 C for now).
People whom you love can hurt you the most.
I have a friend with whom I can talk almost about everything. I like her. I try to be a supportive friend whenever she needs someone to talk to (someone in her family has been dealing with mild depression).
Two weeks ago we had a vivid discussion just about everything over the phone. She shared some stories about her almost adult daughters. I am fine with that - as long the conversation isn't only about children.
But then - out of the blue - she started to tell me about the article that she had read. The main message of the article was that people who have grandchildren, live longer. Because they see the purpose of their living.
I remained speechless for a moment.
Once again, I was giving so much into the friendship and receiving so little back.
In the old days I would have remained silent. Not now. I am done being quiet. I stopped her and asked: "Are you trying to put me into depression?".
She was embarrassed. She apologized and said that she was truly sorry, that she just got carried away and forgot about my story. She commented that this is obviously not true, she was just reporting what she had read.
I said to her that it is very possible that this was true. But that I refuse to believe that. That I need to believe that each of us - regardless of having children/grandchildren or not - needs to find his/her own happiness and the purpose of life. And that it isn't necessary that this purpose is something huge. Each of us has to figure out the way.
I took a photo of the flowers on the meadow very close to our home. It made me happy, watching the flowers. Not many countries around the world have meadows as beautiful as ours. Or - perhaps I am wrong and I just never traveled at the time of blooming meadows.
I have been using the pandemic free time to literally go anywhere I can with my bike instead of taking the car. We had a long and cold winter so many times it wasn't possible. But still, so far I've cycled 373 km this year.
My goal for the 2021: to cycle at least 2021 km :)
PS: the photo above is from last autumn: Alpe Adria Cycling Trail
I am so happy - I've just got the first vaccine against covid19. My age group isn't entitled to get a vaccine yet, but an older person didn't show up for his or her appointment so they had one vaccine available. I got a phone call that if I can come immediately, I will get the vaccine. Of course I came immediately :)
I haven't been working due to the pandemic for whole six months. And another month of non-working luxury is in front of me. I will start working again in the first week of June.
So I thought I could share with you my favourite things that I've been doing during the pandemic. Things, that I always wanted to do but never had enough time. I will write one activity each day. First I wanted to write one post, but the post would be too long :)
So here it is, a pandemic activity Nº1: Daily walks in the nature. I went for a walk almost literally every day (the only exception were few days when it was raining cats and dogs).
I installed on my mobile a step counter, my daily average number of steps for the last 180 days: 10.750 steps. All those steps were done in the nature, there are many beautiful walking trails very close to our home.
It feels just great, having enough time for a daily exercise.
There are some gifts that mean a world to me. This is a story about my beloved box of coloured pencils.
It was 18 years ago when I just moved into a new flat with my husband. We went on a first shopping together in a big supermarket. While shopping for food I noticed a huge pile of boxes of coloured pencils, each box contained 24 coloured pencils. The brand was Jolly... it is an Austrian brand that has been hugely popular since my childhood. When I was a child it was impossible to buy them in my country (=ex-Yugoslavia), so once my parents drove to Austria and smuggled them (together with coffee and all other stuff that was impossible to buy here). I got a box of 12 Jolly coloured pencils when I was 7 years old and I had those pencils for more than 10 years.
I told this story to my husband. And I told him that all my childhood I wished to have a larger box that would contain 24 coloured pencils, not only 12. But I never got them since they were to expensive.
My husband took one Jolly box and put it into the shopping charts. I asked him what was he doing. He told me that he wanted to buy me the large box of coloured pencils that I wished my whole childhood.
I was deeply touched. I told him that I didn't need the coloured pencils. And he replied that it didn't matter, that he wanted to buy them anyway.
I think this is the gift that means the most to me.
And it wasn't true that I didn't need the big box of coloured pencils. I needed them, I just didn't know I needed them :)
There was something beautiful that I noticed today. My husband and I planted 15 lavender bushes last year, this winter was very cold so I wasn't sure if lavender survived.
I noticed today that all our lavender already have some little fresh green leaves. This means that they live! I admire their resilience and the determination to live.
I want to believe that I am like lavender.
***
This is our lavender (with a bumblebee) last summer:
The topic about childlessness has become less and less important to me as the years are passing by. Writing this blog has helped me infinitely. Sometimes I wonder - does my writing still help anybody? I am not sure, but then sometimes something unexpected happens.
I see that someone reads (almost) all my post from the last 9 years within few days. I am deeply flattered, when I see that...
Or I get an email from a young woman, a decade younger then me, who has just quit all infertility treatments and is accepting their childless life. And she says that writing to a real person, who went through the same feelings ten years prior, helps her.
I love that. This means I am still a needed part of this community. I may not be a mother... but I love the idea of being a big sister to someone who is in the hardest times of accepting childless life.
I see that as paying forward... I will be forever grateful to all the women who had walked this path before me and have helped me.
***
I have heard a beautiful sentence recently. "I'm not here just to be a mother, I'm here to be me."
Sometimes I overthink - what is my role in this world since I am not a mother?
Being me is just enough!
