I am done being quiet

Thank you for all your kind wishes. They really mean a lot to me!

I still haven't got the date of operation, hopefully I will get it soon.

I spend lots of time walking my beloved dog. And I try to eat as healthy as possible.

One question for you - do you know and eat these two plants (in my country we eat them a lot in spring, we believe they are very healthy):

Dandelion (I prepare it as salad):

Nettle (I cooked delicious nettle & potatoe soup):

A coworker of mine asked me this week how was I (she hadn't heard the news before). I replied that
cosidering that I have cancer I am doing really well. She looked deep to my eyes and simply asked: "May I hug you?"

How lovely it would be to get an occasional hug during hard and long years of my infertility.

I appreciate the hugs and all good wishes perhaps now even more.


But then there were also the first silly comments and questions.

We were driving to the meeting with a dear coworker of mine, I told her about the cancer. And then, few hours later she asks: "So, are you taking now in May any holidays? Will you do some travelling?".  I looked her in disbelief and asked: "Weren't you listening to me? I have cancer.".
She said: "Yes, of course I know you have cancer. But I just thought it would do you and your husband good... to go some new place, relax, enjoy and forget."
I simply replied: "I can go to the other part of the Earth, but the cancer would go with me, it is on me and perhaps also inside me. I can not forget and relax."

I felt good and strong afterwards. I wasn't quiet when listening to really silly comments.

I had my share of silly comments during my infertility suffering. But I am now done being quiet.

BCC

I wanted this post to be a happy one. I wanted to tell you that the reason I haven't been blogging for a while was that I was just too busy living a happy life in our new home.

I wanted to tell you how lovely it felt hosting a second pyama party in our new home. There were five nieces and nephews, all under the age of 11. Needless to say it was a very vivid house for two days. And yes, I was exhausted afterwards :)

A nephew aged 6 asked me for few times that weekend why I didn't have any children of our own. The question didn't hurt. I explained that when I want to have kids, I just borrow them from their parents.

I wanted to tell you about my travellings (all for work).

I wanted to tell you a silly coworker  who - despite knows about my infertility - needed to share the story how profound beautiful is the moment when you get the child into your lap for a very first time and how awesome is the feeling nursing a child for the whole year. No, she isn't mean... just lacks emotional intelligence.

I wanted to tell you with how many incredible people in my life I was influenced to make a decision: to completely change my profession. I applied to study again at the faculty, I will know at the end of July if I am accepted.  It isn't that I don't like my work. After all, I am greatful for it - with the money I earnt I could pay my share of the cost for our beautiful new home. It is just that I don't want to do office work for another 25 years.

But this post won't be a happy nor a light one.

I went to the main hospital in our country yesterday.  And I got a diagnosis: basal cell carcinoma (with a nick name BCC).  I know it is very unlikely to be fatal. But still... I worry. Especially since it is on a spot that is very difficult to remove.

After the visit in the clinic I cycled back to my office. It was the most beautiful ride you can imagine - I was seeing everything from a new prospective. It was a warm sunny spring day and all I could think is that I want to live.

When I got back to the office two coworkers asked me how it went so I told them. They were so nice - one of them even hugged me.

People are so good at handling the news regarding cancer (at least early stages when there is still all the hope that everything will go well).

In all the years when suffering because infertility it never ever happened that somebody would hug me (except my beloved husband).

A dear friend of mine also went through BCC and I will have her in my mind when dealing with it. Afterwards I will have a cool scar that will tell a story of surviving... just like she has.

Invisible

I have quit going out with some friends where I felt invisible. But then there are people you can't escape - like coworkers.

I often go for work lunch with a group of coworkers. They are all nice, kind and intelligent women. And they are also all mothers of children aged 2 to 14.

I don't mind some talk  about children. I understand that - the children are the most important part of their lives.

Today's lunch talk was plain awful. One started to talk about her birth control - she uses an intrauterine device that contains the hormone. And than she asked 5 of us at the same table casually: "I guess all of you use this method?"   

What could I reply to a silly question like this? I remained silent.

They all confirmed and started to go into lots of details.

I sat there for a while and felt completely invisible. 

I was envious. Not of their healthy children. But of how easy it is to connect with everybody if you have a "normal" life.   And once again it made me realize what an awkward person must I  seem to the rest. 

When I had enough, I thought of how to excuse myself. But I was so fed up, that I just didn't care. I just slipped from the table and went back to work. 

***

That's why I love coming home. Here I am safe.

A compliment

My dad has a colleague whom I have known since my childhood. During the construction works he also visited me and my husband to help some minor construction works done.

Today I met him again in my parents home. He asked me how is living in our new home. And then he asked me when there would be any news about our offspring. 

I politely replied that I am way too old for that now. 

***

Really? My 46th birthday is only weeks away and I was asked this silly question.

But then I thought about this question a bit further and decided that it is actually a compliment, when you are asked this question when 46. I guess I look younger than my actual age : )

A gift

It is lovely to start a morning by reading a beautiful Pamela's post:  
https://blog.silentsorority.com/darkness-musings/
that includes a link to the post I had written exactly seven years ago.

I just love a poem that Pamela included in her post:

“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.”
by Mary Oliver  


This year so far I got only one email as part of Christmas wish (thank you!). There are 11 days until Christmas, so you are not too late :)
http://thenext15000days.blogspot.com/2018/12/my-christmas-wish.html

My Christmas wish

I have the same Christmas wish as the last three years.
I would love to get an email from you.
To learn who you are. 
Where you are coming from.
Why you read my blog.
What my blog means to you.  
Did it help in any way?

I promise I will not publish your emails, nor misuse them in any way.
And I promise I will write back :)

My email: klara.soncek (at) gmail.com


I am looking forward to Christmas :)
I loved receiving emails last three Decembers from literally all around the world!  


PS: I took this photo yesterday, in the heart of Ljubljana. If you haven't visited it yet, you do have to add it on your travelling list for the future, it is so pretty!

Living with infertility does get easier as years are passing by

Yesterday at work a group of my coworkers discussed how terrible it is that they had forgotten almost all English. They were all fluent when they finished university, but because they don't use it they forgot it.

I just listened. I couldn't actually boast how awesome it has been writing an infertility blog in English for the last seven years and how my English has improved by writing my own blog and by reading other blogs :)

***

I really wanted to see the moment when the Christmas lights are lit in the capital yesterday, so I went to the city centre after work.  I phoned a kind woman who was my boss in my first job and I invited her for a coffee and for the event. She gladly accepted.

I have always liked her, she has  always been nice to me. I always appreciated her advice - it was easy for her to be wise, she is 20 years older then me.

Well, I appreciated all of her advice but one.  She insisted that even when I was 40+, I still have plenty of time to have a child and that I shouldn't give up hope. She viewed this topic from her standing point - she had her first and only child when she was 43.  

That's why I just didn't want to meet for her for the last few years.

Yesterday's meeting was really nice - we had so much catching up to do. And this was the first time that she didn't bring up the topic of not giving up the hope.

Living with infertility does get easier as years are passing by.

It felt awesome, claiming my life back.